Re: 54 - Stormbringer
And suddenly he was there. Another side of the figure they were creating. Dorian. Hands open, staff nowhere in sight. The Purpose howled in fury, and her hand tighened further, white-knuckled on the Deathiron's hilt. But she raised it not.
Left remained a whirling cloud of debris some five paces distant. She twitched in her trench, but waited. Something had come - she could sense it, from the General's reaction. Something she could not see, but it did not threaten. Not...physically.
Cyan's eyes, like gleaming hematite, stare into Dorian's as he steps forward. Gurthang still sits with uncaring tip against the soil. And now his hands raise, and he proffers a gift.
Her sketchbook.
Simple. Virtually unadorned. One could likely buy one in a thousand stores through the Myriad Worlds, yet to Cyan, coming from a land where paper was dear, and inks the moreso, it is a treasure beyond compare. Within it are memories of her life, of people, of everything in this quest.
Something shines on his cheek, catches the light. A tear? From Dorian?
He drags out the broken-glass words, stumbles over his lines like an amateur performer. But with feeling. With life.
With feeling.
Another memory stirs.
I would spend hours watching the sunlight move." James points again, this time indicating a brilliantly-coloured oval of light. At the moment it seems cramped and awkwardly-shaped because it lies across an angle of the floor and the right-hand wall of the apse. It is possible to follow the light backwards to a huge stained-glass rose window set into the wall behind the balcony on which James and Cyan stand. "Daydreaming about my parents."
And the Choir begins to sing.
Aaron's crumbling dissolution before her. Jonnee's disgust and pity. Now Dorian's agony, barbed wire less painful than the words in his throat. But he offers.
As they all have.
He said some things, last time. His own words. She struggles with the memory.
"I promise I won't fight you. I won't hurt you. I'll never manipulate you."
"I give you everything; all that I am."
Shall she listen? Cyan stares into his forlorn features, his sorrowful eyes, and suddenly there's a song in her mind, heard on a radio far, far away. Heard in a car driven by Jonnee Kay, with her head out the window, wind in her hair, wild laughter spilling from her lips. The quiet chime of a piano, and the woman's voice, slowly rising.
How can you see into my eyes
like open doors?
She glances to Aaron, blinks at the blood. He looks...stronger, now. Alive. Ilsefravnir is in his hand, and he flings it with a twitch of the wrist - her eyes divine the target before the blade leaves his hand, and she does not move. He stands, and paces toward her. He speaks of things...ever the optomist, Aaron, to assume he could not be broken. But perhaps he does not lie. Perhaps he might have held, where she failed. Perhaps...the Purpose hammers at her, and Cyan blinks. Her shoulder twitches, held back, not in preparation. If Gurthang strikes, it will be without warning. But she keeps it still. Did he say I am a leader? I have never led...have I? Did he say he loved me? Why? How?
"And I choose to love you, lady," he said to Cyan. "Because I can."
"When everyone else said 'she's gone' I STILL believed in you."
The Voice battles the Purpose, hands locked about each others' throats. The balance is precarious, driven to the edge by memories and words. And Dorian holds out the book like a sacrifice. Aaron's hand extends.
...take it...please...
leading you down into my core
where I’ve become so numb
Her hand reaches out, carefully, wavers between them. But the book calls from her past, and while her other hand twitches about Gurthang's hilt, it cannot easily release to clasp Aaron's. The steely gauntlet closes around the book's cover, oh, so carefully. Not to tear, not to rip. To hold.
"Thank you, Cyan. I am moderately more informed than I used to be... on many levels. I will try to be less expedient in the future. Forgive my weakness, but I am not used to oiling my conversations since I have been away from Amber for so long. However, if you feel it is necessary, I can guide you to an entire shadow just teaming with polite people where you can feel quite special; but they cannot help you save Amber. I can, and I have offered my assistance freely, unhindered by hints of either politeness or insult."
He gritted his teeth in anger and shame, not at Cyan, but at himself for indulging in such digression. It was unnecessary, and likely only to cause more emotional bantering, which he would have to work twice as hard to extricate himself from. However, he could not let her dictate to him how he should act and speak, just so she could feel more loved. He was not responsible for her emotional wellness, no matter how hard she tried to lay it on him.
And the memories explode within her, bursting from the book into her spirit.
If it were another member of the party, he might let them make their own choice. He'd worry about the cause of the feeling later. He only knew he wouldn't let them touch Cyan.
.....
Cyan. Perhaps it was their first conversation, back in Fiona's presence, or perhaps it was the Ancient One, Berd, but he always found himself treating Cyan differently than the others, gentler, perhaps. Strange, since he'd been so harsh to her in that first meeting....
....And then here he was, performing sorcerous acrobatics trying to see to Mum's needs and baby-sit the redhead's emotions, as well. Why?
.....
Yet, she was somehow different from the others; soft, but not weak; sensitive, but not vulnerable. He certainly couldn't say that of the others in their group-- excluding the newer ones, maybe.
No, it was more than those things. It had begun back with Mum and the cabin. It felt like a need being fulfilled, but in a distant way; like home, or a letter from a sibling. In an odd way, one he almost hated, she evoked the same feeling as Mum's food.
There was no need for differences. She was an ally in a battle. He loathed that he had grown to see her different than the others. He would squash it.
His memories, a whirling, immersive gyre of them. Of her. Cyan's head comes up, and she stares blindly into space.
A slow knot formed in his stomach, apprehension. It caused the frown to grow and expand. Somehow, he guessed there wasn't any trouble. She'd come to speak to him about something, but he couldn't fathom the topic. Oddly, in the deepest recesses of his mind, for a fleeting moment, that thought made him feel somewhat like a child about to be scolded for his uncharacteristic behaviour earlier. He felt somehow caught.
.....
It was because she'd taken the time to offer the invitation that he found himself grasping for an explanation. It was there again, her sincerity, the gift she didn't know she had. How many others, he asked himself, would have bothered to confront him in this way?
.....
Rambling indeed, but.... Dorian nods slightly. Why did he suddenly have trouble expressing what he wanted to say? Perhaps it was too many things fighting to be spoken, and he didn't trust any of them to do so-- not without thinking first. He felt he'd already said too much, as it was. Better a fool hold his tongue than reveal himself a fool. He felt very much a fool, too.
.....
The portal, Aaron's connection. The world was fading. The portal collapsed because it no longer had a destination. Logically, she couldn't still exist. Part of him couldn't accept that, the part he didn't like. The part that believed the impossible.
He couldn't let her go without trying.
"I'm going."
.....
In his mind, thoughts of mum's house, of the room above the inn, casual glances, brief words, all imploded. A cold, stiff wind swept them away into a bottomless chasm, where they tumbled, abandoned and forgotten, for the rest of his life.
He should, he knew, honor her memory-- of what she suggested in the room above the inn-- be that man. Be warm, take time to dine among friends, trust, love.... Never! It hurt. It felt like betrayal; it felt like being stabbed in the back and heart at the same time, by the same person. He should be the man she encouraged him to be, but he can't. It hurt too much. He would never open himself up like that again. He was vulnerable, foolish and weak-- like all these fools who stood here with him.
His heart was a maniac in his chest and his throat felt swollen. With a quiet sniff, he brushed something from his cheek and pulled the hood of his cloak up over his head.
Memories, fading into nothingness. They fought, struggled with tooth and claw, to rise from the pit. He wouldn't let them. With wrathful curses, he beat them down into nothingness. He wouldn't let himself dwell on such emotions. He would never be weak again. He would never be the fool again.
.....
He turned slowly, eyes narrowed. His black eyes swept her body up and down quickly, wildly. He suppressed a shudder that ran through his body. This was a trick. Was it Drusilla?
He pressed his lips tightly together and swallowed, trying to decide on which of the thousand things running through his mind to vocalize first.
Who are you?
Who sent you?
How dare you...
Is it really you?
Of all the things he wanted to say, the one thing he didn't want to say came out. "Cyan," he whispered. "I've missed you."
.....
His pulse skips a beat as she touches him. He wants more. He wants to be held. He takes it as an invitation and moves closer to her, looking deep into her eyes, searching for answers that she isn't giving.
He should be doing so much right now. He should be getting answers. He should be trying to penetrate that psychic cloak. He should take her back to… no.
Never!
It was enough that she was here.
And I don't want to lose you, again.
.....
Her hand is on his chest, and he can feel his heart beating against it. He looks deep into her, searching for the young woman in the upstairs room. Where was the smile that melted the iciest of hearts with an invitation to dinner, a tray balanced on her hand and a flourish of something he couldn't explain? He steps closer to her, soaking up her pain and softness. He doesn't want to hurt her, but he has one final javelin to throw. This one will strike them both. He opens his mouth, and it's dry. He inhales. The words are hard to speak. He's not sure he's ever said these words before. He's never said them to her. He never meant them before, no matter whom they were spoken to. He told Berd, but he meant something not quite so...
"I love you, Cyan."