reaccuring illnesses
Im tired of not having the atrength to live up to myself. Its like, in my minds eye, theres this golden filter, i see the things i can and sgould do, i have these noble thoughts and feelings... but then when it comes time to do these things, its like theres a crap filter, i f* shizz up, i let down not only myself but others, i keep doing the things i know i shouldnt... i try not to revile myself, to use the dislike that is generated to leverage myself into a better position, but its like i cant find anywhere to place the lever... when youre cauhht in the gap between youre ideals and acrualities, youre hanging yourself on your own weight as you try to climb up... but letting go isnt the answer, because then yoire for sure getting strangled... in my mind, i know that life is a struggle, that good things come with a fight... but when youre oitmatched three times over, getting pounded into the ground, unable to put up any real reaistence, and youve been cursed with the ability to take a beating, to wherw you Just Wont Knock Out? And when your enemy is ceaseless, unrelenting, and tireless?
I try and take things easy, but i cant gelp but feeling like im dithering while rome burns... but the city is way too big, and theres no way i can get enough water to put it out... so i try and write, exploring metaphysics and philosophy, ever trying to peirce my innermost core... which is where my handle comes from, my desire for clear understanding and my resolve to fight for it to the end... Even if i should never make it to the goal with my dying breathe... i cant stop, wont stop, but i feel like im torturing myself. Its better than what would happen if i didnt rry at all, but with all this effort and practoce i put in, i should be an expert by now but more and more i come to realize im still just fumbling aroumd in the dark...
^And whem i try to pull myself out of all this mess^ i end up slipping back into it.