I Just Want To Scream
Sometimes I lay awake at night just so I can pretend that I'll wake up somewhere else in the morning.
I know that my life isn't the worst one to wake up to. I have a loving and generous family, a cat that tolerates me most days, and despite my egregious personality flaws and my looks, even a woman in my life who thinks I'm pretty amazing. I have no mobility issues, or communicable diseases, and I've never broken a bone in my life. I eat well-enough, have a roof over my head and steady internet access, my job is pretty good, my schoolwork isn't too hard, and gods help me I even have some luxuries like a PS4 and a flatscreen TV. It's not a bad life. It's a good one.
But it's not perfect. And problems are problems, regardless of who has them. Just because I haven't been held in prison doesn't mean I can't feel trapped with no hope of escape. Just because I haven't starved or lost an arm doesn't mean I can't be hungry, or that it doesn't hurt when I bleed. I try not to judge anyone for their little issues just because they talk about them like they're big ones... and so I guess I'm starting off this way in hopes that I won't be judged too harshly for what I'm about to say. I know this is already a safe space, so I don't have to, but... but I sometimes have to convince myself it's okay to talk, and this is how I'm doing it this time.
So, yeah, I guess I should get to the venting part.
Hi. I'm Tyr and some days I wish I was anyone else. Today, in particular, I want to be someone else just so I can stop with the stupid arguments and making poor decisions. I know I can be antagonistic. I'm a Devil's Advocate; it's what I do. I think that people possessing and only discussing one side of an argument is a mistake. Whether or not I agree with another side of something, I will argue it sometimes because I just hate complacency with ideas. When people say "You roll a d20 because it's the easiest way to decide an outcome" I just feel compelled to step in and say something. When they say "The holocaust was a terrible thing. I don't see how anyone could support it" I respond with "Yeah, but..." and I get why people might not like that. I do. But I don't want people to judge game systems based on their dice or people because of one thing they once believed in.
Today I spent the better part of an hour arguing that magic that aimed itself at a set value wasn't as logical as magic that assisted your own aim to a set value. Not that it wasn't logical, just that it wasn't as logical, mind you, and I was accused at least once of "entirely missing the point" despite their follow-up explanation of how I didn't get it being a point I'd already made. And sometimes, like today, it's ends up okay with people agreeing on things, or choosing to go their own way with it because of ambiguity, and sometimes an entire group of people remains convinced that you can't teach a horse to react to your split-second commands despite them having no evidence on their side. But no matter which way it ends up I get... upset, more often than not, because it's usually not my mountains of evidence or otherwise that turns the tides. It's someone else saying something I've already said, or something silly like a person going "You know, it turns out I meant something else this whole time." And I just... I took years of debate, philosophy, psychology, and what has it all amounted to?
What am I doing with myself getting wrapped up in these conversations and arguments about things? Even if I'm right, like the horse thing (ask people who train horses), I feel like I'm wrong. Like I've wasted my time. But if I sit back and watch ignorance or misinformation blossom then I'm part of the problem. But am I a worse one by becoming an antagonist for the truth? What if people stop believing me just because it's me who said something?
Some of the players in my games I think are reaching that point. I can be exacting when it comes to rules, and I have preferences and a forceful personality when I want to (and sometimes when I don't want to), and I think they've decided I'm not a good person. That maybe I'm a decent GM, but that I'm not worth talking to, including in discussions, or anything other than just playing with. And that's something, I guess, but it doesn't help my feeling isolated from my own game.
Take another conversation today. Some of my players are having group discussions about how they're going to get around this little IC issue that's come up. Now, I'm terribly against using OOC to fix IC problems, but that's where they jumped because they didn't want it to take time to solve the problem through normal posting. And part of me wants to toss them out on the street for just so blatantly ignoring one of my cardinal pet peeves with gaming, but part of me is just tired, and another part of me doesn't want to be a raging apple about them trying to fix problems their way, even if they've almost completely left me out of the conversations. And when a player approached me about their solutions I kind of... blew up a bit. I told him the issue was dumb and that if they were going to solve IC problems with OOC stuff they might as well have just taken a more direct path instead of getting into secret talks and stressing everyone out over it.
Who does that?
So, I'm isolated, as I said. I feel like I'm isolated from everyone because no matter what the situation or group, I seem to find a way to cut myself off from people. My family all lives far away and I forget to call or write, but they still love me. Or they say they do. And they prove it well-enough whenever I visit, but... but the people I chat with seem to think I'm a flying orange peel because I like to tease and argue. And my players don't think I'm worth including in their conversations about how to solve problems. And I don't even have friends outside of those two groups because... well, no, I have one. I have one friend, and some of his friends don't think I'm the worst person ever, but that doesn't mean we're friends. We don't talk, and we don't hang out, and...
And let's just make a list, huh?
-I use proper spelling and grammar even when I'm in instant messengers, or talking to people, or when I'm texting. I stopped expecting this from other people, but it does make me feel disconnected from everyone who doesn't do it.
-I don't drink. At all. Ever. Not even a little bit. Never have, never will.
-I don't do drugs. No, not even weed. I don't think it's fun or amusing or anything.
-I don't like sports. I pretend to sometimes, but I don't.
-I do like video games, but I don't really like MMOs or MOBAs or traditional Shooters.
-I speak several languages, and don't mind if people speak in a language I don't understand so long as they're patient with me when I fumble through it.
-I don't do religion, despite my entire family being religious (which is as far as I'm taking that one because of forum rules).
-I'm a teacher, but I have weird ideas about teaching.
-I have burn scars covering the most-visible parts of my body.
-I don't wear jeans. I barely wear shirts with collars. I think appearance shouldn't matter 1/10th as much as it does. I do sometimes wear a crushed velvet cloak around town. It's comfy, and functional.
-I like a lot of music, but I judge the music based on the individual song, not the artist, or the artist's life. I like some Justin Beiber songs. I like the Backstreet Boys, and AC/DC, and Nickelback, and Fall Out Boy, and Christina Aguilera (sp?), and TLC, and The Who, and some stuff from the 40's and 50's, and Beethoven. I don't like most rap, r&b, country, and most anything heavier than metal.
-I watch Home Improvement and real estate shows like Love it Or List It, but I don't care about the Real Houswives of Wherever, thought Breaking Bad was okay, and Pushing Daisies is one of the best things that was ever cancelled.
-I can't stand spoilers. Not even little ones. Not even people joking about spoilers. And no, I don't mean car spoilers.
-I'm a real hopeless romantic (and I know it's unrealistic, especially given my paranoia and lack of ability to trust people).
-I act like what people imagine chivalry would be in real life (not always, but often enough that I can say that with a straight face).
-I don't use Facebook. Or Twitter. Or Instagram. Or, or, or...
And just... the list goes on. Honestly, I'm running out of steam (and self-esteem!) so... I dunno. I feel like I'm alone. I feel like I push people away and I don't mean to, but I've been doing this for close to 30 years now and I still feel this way. So... so it's me, right? I'm the common denominator through it all (which isn't actually causation, I know, and I'm looking at it through my own lens, I know, BUT) so does that mean it's me? I feel like it's me, and on days like today I just want to scream until I collapse, so I can wake up somewhere else.
You know what the worst part is? I've been conditioned not to open up like this too. So most people don't know most of this about me and won't unless they read this. Even my family, sitting a few feet away as I type all of this... they don't know.
tl;dr: Anyone else feeling broken lately? I know I am.