W0LF0S
 member, 123 posts
Mon 10 Jul 2017
at 15:38
Bad Fantasy Jokes
What do you call a particularly fat knight?

Spoiler text: (Highlight or hover over the text to view)
Sir Cumference


Got any good ones?
orynnfireheart
 member, 91 posts
 Evil will always triumph
 Because good is dumb
Mon 10 Jul 2017
at 16:17
Bad Fantasy Jokes
As you know, creature in groups have their own monikers such as an Inquisition of Illithids, a Flight of Dragons, or a Pack of Direwolves. So, what do you call a group of krakens?


Spoiler text: (Highlight or hover over the text to view)
A Nope of Krakens!

cptcthulhu
 member, 199 posts
 Nuke em till they glow
 Shoot them in the dark.
Mon 10 Jul 2017
at 22:34
Bad Fantasy Jokes
Everyone knows that Bards don't Pun.....they Cant.
ShadoPrism
 member, 1106 posts
 OCGD-Obsessive-Compulsive
 Gamer-Disorder
Tue 11 Jul 2017
at 00:38
Bad Fantasy Jokes
In reply to cptcthulhu (msg # 3):

groaned so bad it caused the audience gas pains.
pitademon
 member, 829 posts
 hi all
Tue 11 Jul 2017
at 00:52
Bad Fantasy Jokes
Dragons do not do Opera.  Only torch songs and scales.
orynnfireheart
 member, 92 posts
 Evil will always triumph
 Because good is dumb
Tue 11 Jul 2017
at 01:06
Bad Fantasy Jokes
Father and son cannibal orcs are walking through a lush forest. Ahead, in a clearing, standing thigh deep in a clear, blue pond was an orc maiden, washing her hair.

"Wow, dad," said the son. "Let's take her home and eat her."

"No, son," says the more experienced father, eyeing the young maiden's luscious curves. "Let's take her home and eat your mother."
orynnfireheart
 member, 93 posts
 Evil will always triumph
 Because good is dumb
Tue 11 Jul 2017
at 01:28
Bad Fantasy Jokes
Here are a bunch of them:

Did you hear about the Knight who fell from the tallest tower in the castle and lived? They called him Sir Vive.

Last night I dreamed I was writing a book called The Lord Of The Rings. I was Tolkien in my sleep.

Why did the druid fail his shapeshift? Because he was unbearable.

What do you call a group of witches in a hot spring? A self-cleaning coven.

What do you call a ranger who can only carry one weapon, has no special animal friends, and no magic powers? A class upgrade.

What do you call a Fighter with no arms and no legs? I don't know, but it's better than a Ranger.

What is the difference between a ranger and a corpse? Three rounds of combat
ShadoPrism
 member, 1107 posts
 OCGD-Obsessive-Compulsive
 Gamer-Disorder
Tue 11 Jul 2017
at 02:24
Bad Fantasy Jokes
In reply to orynnfireheart (msg # 7):

A fighter with no arms or legs ? A Meat Shield
A Ranger with 1 weapon, no special abilities or Magic ? Cannon Fodder
T.S.
 member, 205 posts
 I stand in noone's shadow
 except my own...
Tue 11 Jul 2017
at 13:58
Bad Fantasy Jokes
There were three medieval kingdoms on the shores of a lake. There was an island in the middle of the lake, over which the kingdoms had been fighting for years. Finally, the three kings decided that they would send their knights out to do battle, and the winner would take the island. The night before the battle, the knights and their squires pitched camp and readied themselves for the fight. The first kingdom had 12 knights, and each knight had five squires, all of whom were busily polishing armor, brushing horses, and cooking food. The second kingdom had twenty knights, and each knight had 10 squires. Everyone at that camp was also busy preparing for battle. At the camp of the third kingdom, there was only one knight, with his squire. This squire took a large pot and hung it from a looped rope in a tall tree. He busied himself preparing the meal, while the knight polished his own armor. When the hour of the battle came, the three kingdoms sent their squires out to fight (this was too trivial a matter for the knights to join in). The battle raged, and when the dust had cleared, the only person left was the lone squire from the third kingdom, having defeated the squires from the other two kingdoms, thus proving that the squire of the high pot and noose is equal to the sum of the squires of the other two sides.
Fyrerain
 member, 71 posts
Tue 11 Jul 2017
at 19:43
Bad Fantasy Jokes
In reply to T.S. (msg # 9):

Oh, that's bad. Bravo!

I'm passing that one on to a math teacher friend....
mickey65
 member, 26 posts
 Long-time PbP player
 Love several systems
Tue 11 Jul 2017
at 19:55
Bad Fantasy Jokes
Not sure this counts, but what do you call a Mind Flayer that can't read?

An Illiterathid.
ShadoPrism
 member, 1108 posts
 OCGD-Obsessive-Compulsive
 Gamer-Disorder
Tue 11 Jul 2017
at 21:54
Bad Fantasy Jokes
In reply to mickey65 (msg # 11):

no that is a very bad joke. It counts.
T.S.
 member, 206 posts
 I stand in noone's shadow
 except my own...
Tue 11 Jul 2017
at 23:53
Re: Bad Fantasy Jokes
Fyrerain:
In reply to T.S. (msg # 9):

Oh, that's bad. Bravo!

I'm passing that one on to a math teacher friend....


I wish I could take credit for that one, but I was just sharing it here.
nuric
 member, 2936 posts
 Love D&D,superhero games
 Not very computer savvy
Wed 12 Jul 2017
at 02:33
Re: Bad Fantasy Jokes
Here's a couple I like

First joke:
A young merchant is riding his horse in the back roads of a small village, and wants to get back to the trade road that leads back to the capital.   He saw an old man mending fences on his farm and barked out orders to give him directions back to the main road.
The farmer paused, then gave him a convoluted set of directions, telling him to take a left at this fork, cross that bridge, ride past a certain oddly-shaped tree, and go behind a certain farmhouse, going on for some time.
The merchant listened, then rode off.   Following the directions exactly, he was angered to find himself not at the main road, but back in front of the same old man at the broken fence.
The merchant angrily asked the farmer what he thought he was playing at.   The farm shrugged and responded.
"I'm a busy man, sir.   I didn't want to waste my time giving you directions if you couldn't follow them.  Since I see that you can, I'll tell you how to get to the capital."


Second Joke:

A group of adventurers came down the mountain and through town, heading for the main city to the north.   Their packs were loaded up with treasure and monster pelts from the mountains, and they stopped in town to buy every last pack animal and bit of food another supplies.   They asked the owner of the General Store:
"Can we take that road out there back to the Capital?"
The owner smirked and shrugged.
"You might as well.  I can see that you've already taken everything else."
Khotanos
 member, 5 posts
Wed 12 Jul 2017
at 05:20
Re: Bad Fantasy Jokes
How do you deal with heat based attacks?
You crank up your AC!

Stolen from the bad pun goblin meme.
cptcthulhu
 member, 200 posts
 Nuke em till they glow
 Shoot them in the dark.
Wed 12 Jul 2017
at 17:53
Re: Bad Fantasy Jokes
A group of Lawful Evil Monks had set up shop in the Ironstone Pass. During winter months it was the only passage through the mountains. Despite that, there were few travellers who stopped for the night. Visitors could get a warm meal and a comfortable bed. But once a month, a hapless visitor would get a special tour of the monks' greenhouse, which culminated in the Traveller being eaten by one of the carnivorous plants tended by the monks. The nearby Duchy realised there was a problem when two couriers disappeared after going through the pass. The Duke sent his best woodsman, Hugh, to investigate. Hugh timed his visit with the disappearances and was offered both the meal and the bed. The next morning he was led into the gardens, but Hugh recognized the plants for what they were. He pulled his enchanted axe from beneath his cloak and destroyed the carnivorous plants. He then snuck out to report to the Duke. The next day, an entire troop arrived at the monastery to take the monks into custody.

It just goes to show you. Hugh, and ONLY Hugh, can prevent Florist Friars.

This message was last edited by the user at 17:54, Wed 12 July.

mickey65
 member, 37 posts
 Long-time PbP player
 Love several systems
Wed 12 Jul 2017
at 18:15
Re: Bad Fantasy Jokes
In reply to cptcthulhu (msg # 16):

I wish there were a like button for that one. :)
Khotanos
 member, 6 posts
Thu 13 Jul 2017
at 06:08
Re: Bad Fantasy Jokes
Smokey the Bugbear says, "Only you can prevent forest elves!"
pitademon
 member, 832 posts
 hi all
Thu 13 Jul 2017
at 06:09
Re: Bad Fantasy Jokes
A group of adventurers encountered a purple worm while exploring.  Most died fighting and the ranger was actually swallowed whole.  This smart forest warrior decided to run all the way to the end until he was all pooped out.
----
A king managed to acquire a magic mirror that granted wishes.  Problem was the wishes were some how twisted.  In anger he ripped the mirror from the wall and smashed it on the floor.  Afterwards he sat down to reflect.
----

This message was last edited by the user at 00:12, Fri 14 July.

jpetoh
 member, 352 posts
 As irrational
 as pi.
Thu 13 Jul 2017
at 14:46
Re: Bad Fantasy Jokes
This kind of crosses genres, but:

I was playing a Star Trek RPG, and our group was trapped on the bridge. We decide to set a phaser to 'disintegrate' and burn a hole in floor and drop down into the next deck.

That's when one of the other players asks, "What's under the bridge?"

Without missing a beat, I say, "A troll."

Many dice were flung at me that day. Many... dice...

This message was last edited by the user at 15:57, Thu 13 July.

Eur512
 member, 768 posts
Tue 18 Jul 2017
at 16:56
Re: Bad Fantasy Jokes
A few clerics wanted to open up a flower shop, but the ranger wouldn't let them.

You see, he had misheard his instructions, and thought one of his duties was to prevent florist friars.

** ** ** **
 Back when I worked in a bakery, my assistant was an Ogre.  One day, he was helping me prepare pies and asked what he was supposed to do.  I said, well, this one's going to be gift, so take some ribbon and make up a fancy bow for it.  And while your at it, it needs to be at least four pounds, so weigh it, and if it comes up short let's use another one.

Well, the Ogre put the pie down right where I was working, and started tying the bow!

I said "Not here, I'm working, find another spot!"

So the Ogre picked up the pie and the ribbon, and stomped off, singing...

"Somewhere, Ogre arrange bow, weigh a pie..."

** ** ** **

Things like that got things thrown at me, over the years of DM'ing.  Throwing things at the DM is why I learned to love RPOL.  No risk here, no matter how bad the puns got!

But back in the bad old days I could see the blood in their eyes, when they realized that an entire adventure was nothing but a set up for a pun.

Like the episode with the Witches from the Great Sand Desert of Haminch.  When they were captured, the king wanted them interrogated, and told the players...

"I want these Haminchese Sand Witches GRILLED!"
Tyr Hawk
 member, 296 posts
 You know that one guy?
 Yeah, that's me.
Tue 18 Jul 2017
at 19:23
Re: Bad Fantasy Jokes
Eur512:
"Somewhere, Ogre arrange bow, weigh a pie..."

I died. I just died.
phoenix9lives
 member, 919 posts
 GENE POLICE!  YOU!
 GET OUTTA THE POOL!
Tue 18 Jul 2017
at 20:30
Re: Bad Fantasy Jokes
I think I might want to join one of tour games, Eur512.  If you don't mind someone who drops movie and TV quotes and references every chance he gets.LOL
cptcthulhu
 member, 201 posts
 Nuke em till they glow
 Shoot them in the dark.
Tue 18 Jul 2017
at 20:48
Re: Bad Fantasy Jokes
Or the one about the Paladin reading a book on Philosophy in the park. Despite the blandishments of several 'ladies of easy virtue', he kept on reading, unaffected by their temptations...


Just another case of putting Descartes before the whores.....
phoenix9lives
 member, 921 posts
 GENE POLICE!  YOU!
 GET OUTTA THE POOL!
Thu 20 Jul 2017
at 07:01
Re: Bad Fantasy Jokes
I created this limerick for a game I play in:

There once was a man from the Western Empire,
Who was believed to the world's biggest liar.
One day he told someone the truth,
When suddenly his pantaloons caught fire.