Useless objects that pop off the front of my dress and impale helpless onlookers when I breath in really deeply...

Cleavage is...

Something that people fall into and can't escape.

A Pit trap is...

...a thoroughly impractical home security device.

A ten foot pole is...

...a tall, sharp thing that can cause a lot of blood if you fall into it.

Posters are...

Not very good for trying people up.

Rope is...

...what twine wants to be when it grows up.

A granny knot is...

...a very old knot.

The internet is...

...a technologically updated version of the activities performed by bored clerks in telegraph offices.

A clerk is...

Chickens.  I mean, it sounds visually the same, right?  Cluck, cluck, clerk, clerk.  They're always bobbing their heads and looking up and down at a screen/customer, and the desk/counter.  They can't spread their wings and fly on their own because they're stuck working for the man.  And of course they're stuck either working in a cubicle or behind a counter somewhere, which isn't all that different from being stuck in a pen.

A pen is...

...an inky stick. The primary purpose of a pen is creating marks on paper, but they are also effective weapons against shirts. [see Pocket Protector] A pen is rumored to be mightier than a sword, but lab test results on this study are pending.

A pocket protector is...

Many people don't know that there were many different types of persecuted people in Hitler's Germany.  Jews, of course, but also people with mental handicaps, gypsies, homosexuals, people with physical deformity, and of course nerds.  While the yellow star of judaism is the most well known symbol of persecution, the pocket shield was nonetheless a recognized symbol of an oppressed person, someone that it was ok to kick around.  We still wear that badge of honor with pride, and shout our cry, "This be absurd! I'm a nerd! Word!" Then we flash the n-sign with our fingers.

A finger is...

A finger is an insult, a compliment or have a piece sign depending on which one you use.

Digits are...

The 10 magical numbers members of human society hope to achieve from each other...

A number is...

the act of counting hypothetically.

The Count is...

...my favorite muppet on Sesame Street.


Pyrophobia is...

Something that I've never ever had and likely never will, until I get burned by that lack of fear.

A burn is...

...a better looking Bart! Hoooo dang!

An insult is...

Something that I think but don't say.

A thought is...

What goes through your head!

Toothpaste is...

How you stick your teeth together.

Gamma radiation is...

How you become the Hulk.

Loincloths are...

How you become Tarzan.

Tarzan is..

A pulp hero which most people recognize from the Disney adaptation.

The Star Wars Christmas Special is...

...an unfortunate and regrettable part of Star Wars history.

Sportsball is...

The best sports game of course!

Monster Hunter is..