(Game idea by Despyzer, taken from "Who's Line Is It Anyway")

Things you'd not like to hear ... Someone picks a situation or a place and everyone has to come up with a phrase or sentence they'd not like to hear at the situation or place.

For instance:

Things you'd not like to hear in an operating room:

- I just dropped my contact.
- Hi, I'm Dr. Kervorkian.  I'll be your surgeon today.

I'll give out the first location...

Things you would not like to hear at the olympics:

"The emperor will be swimming the 100 meter in the most aerodynamic of suits.  He says they're invisible, calls them 'The Emperor's New Clothes.'"

It seems like some king of 5 ringed space monster is devouring all the athletes.

You have just won a gold medal for the newest event...

---

Spoiler text: (Highlight or hover over the text to view)
sumo wrestling!

---

ummm yeah....  everybody else forfeited, but since there's no competition, we don't think its fair to give you a medal.

Yeah, so..we know about your steroid use..

why is your piss green?

The good news:  You won the Silver medal!
The bad news: Everyone else got the Gold.

Yes, you do win the gold for throwing the javelin out of the arena...but, when it landed in the parking lot...well, we'll explain it all down at police headquarters.  Oh, and you'll want to call your lawyer.

The gold for Mens Fencing goes to..... Michael Phelps....

Sorry athletes, the hotel has run out of condoms again.

You're looking for a porta-what?
Oh, just use your left hand and a pitcher of water.
You want privacy in there?  Why, what do you plan on doing in there?

Our entire country's team has tested positive for several different drugs and will be barred from the next Olympics.

DUDE, that would suck.

it seems as the the emperor is once again rebelling against clothing, only this time, right infront of our cameras! quick someone blur! someone blur!...

...why is the pool's water so warm whenever I swim right behind Michael Phelps?
This message was last edited by the player at 16:39, Thu 14 Aug 2008.

Why do I have the passport of this "Ima Spy" person?

Zombie Attack!!!

Alright?  Who woke up the dragon?

Was I supposed to secure the rings???

why are those two men pulling out... photon cannons?!?

"OH MY GOSH...He's just pulled his arms off!!"

coming from the commentator of the men's clean and jerk.

I didn't know it was possible to get the pole vault pole stuck there.

OMG!!!!  LOL


There seems to be a strong odor in the air...apparently the men's gymnastics team went out for Mexican last night!

He's dead!

Women's beach volleyball players will no longer be allowed to wear bikinis.

At least it wasn't the men's Greco-Roman wrestling team!

...because coed naked volleyball has just been approved as an Olympic sport!

and so has the men's Greco-Roman wrestling team!

You're banned from the olympics because of your underwear!

http://sports.yahoo.com/olympi...rov=afp&type=lgn

(True story)

"Under the Olympic field hockey rules, shorts and undies must match"

That's a true statement but somehow a little unsettling if I heard that at the Olympics!!

^^% Weidos...

We are sorry to say that the althelt to get gold in Mens Rowing was actually too slow because Michael Phelps could NOT stay out of the water.....

Did you just call us Weirdos, Zeldi???  Take it back!!  :-(

I think he was talking about the people in the article in the link.

Oh, whew...I thought perhaps we were going to have our first fight!

Heath is correct my dear, I was talking about those in th linked article :)

.... And the horses are off from the starting gate, Jamesion in first followed closely by Jiohnson in second and uh oh being passed by a Idoit in Sunglasses! And there they go Idiot in Sunglass in first, Johnson in second and What-the-frak?!.... [SQUEAL] *broken PA system here*

The referee was just impaled by the javelin...and he stumbles back...he's still stumbling...STILL GOING BACK...AND THE JAVELIN HAS NOT YET TOUCHED THE GROUND...HE'S JUST STUMBLED A HUNDRED YARDS TO THE WAITING PARAMEDICS...A NEW WORLD RECORD FOR THE JAVELIN THROW!

...and the winner is... ME!  You guys all suck, so I'm declaring myself the winner.  I don't care if I didn't compete, I'm still better than these losers.

oh god... where are my keys?

Uh... You connected the artery to the vein.. Hm.. I wonder what will happen now. This will be so cool!

Is he supposed to be dying like that?

Doctor: Nurse! Clean up and bandage his leg!

Nurse: Doctor! He's losing alot of blood! You've got to do something quick!

Doctor: Don't you think I know that?  We're not going to lose another one!

Nurse: Doctor! He's flatlining!

Doctor: Quick! Make him eat this lobster!

Nurse: But Doct--

Doctor: No buts nurse! Just make him eat it!  It's his only chance at survival!

Nurse: Amazing doctor! How did you know that would work?

Doctor: I play RuneScape.

Which leg were we supposed to amputate again?  Oh, well, just take both, and we'll blame it on...clotting...yeah, that's the ticket.

(OOC: We've actually done this topic before.)

its good to come back occasionally.

You sure thats the nitrous oxide?  Let me see that mask.

*takes mask and inhales, at the same time a repair man comes round the corner*

Hey doc, I just fixed the pipe.  It had a leak.

No, I said cut off PIA's tentacles! 'Ten...ta...cles.'"

And I say that a monkey CAN do this guy's brain surgery!

Which end is up?

What do you mean the heart is supposed to be in the chest cavity?

So that wasn't an oddly shaped third leg?

Wait...why is he spurting blood now?  Is that supposed to look like that?

Not another sex change operation!

I've killed three patients already today, don't let me do it again!
This message was last edited by the player at 18:29, Tue 26 Aug 2008.

You wanna play doctor?

What do you mean "Out of anesthesia?"  We're only halfway done!

Oops, I think I cut the wrong thing.

Give me a moment to think here...the thigh bone's connected to the knee bone, check...the knee bone's connected to the...what comes next?

OMG, TOTAL nomination!!!  LMBO!!!

Glad to service your funny bone.

(This is both a post in this thread and a response to Kion's nomination.)

No, I said cut of Kions digits!  "Di..gits."

This better be important, I was winning a drinking contest at Heath's Tavern.

this one may be interesting methinks.

Should I put the "stairs to nowhere" by "Hell's Furnace"?

this thing has absolutely NO foundation.  see?

"Luckily, the Indians lost their lawsuit about their ancient burial ground located here."

From the Realtor, "Did you happen to see Amityville Horror?"

Now, I don't want you to freak out but....

"Even the guys on Home Makeover: Extreme Edition wouldn't step foot in here."

"Yeah...that's gonna cost ya."

Umm, there has been a little problem.

Wait, I thought this house was for ME.

You forgot the extra zero at the end of the estimate.

Foundation?  Did we pour a foundation?

Hmm...Now where ARE those blueprints?

No, sir, the model WAS to scale.  It was a dollhouse we're building, right?

In a low voice: "You're building in a dead zone!"

"Look, a termite's nest!"

"And in addition to the Indian burial site, at least 16 violent, bloody murders happened not 10 feet from where you front door is going to be."

All our contractors come from the Home for the Mentally Disabled down the road; it's our way of making them feel..."special."

Ok, so...put the nail marked 'A' on the spot labeled '1' and hit solidly with a hammer....hmmm...ok.  (your contractor while reading the blue prints)

AND I SAY THAT THE OUTSIDE SHOULD BE PAINTED WHATEVER COLOR I HAVE IN MY TRUCK!

There seems to be a shortage of lumber and they have no idea when it will be resolved.  The same goes for hardware and stucco!

Everything I know I learned from Home Depot seminars.

See this certificate?  I tore it out of the back of a DIY book.  see?  I even whited out the original name and wrote my own in.   Pretty clever, huh?

I just declared bankruptcy, and since you're trying to collect a refund from me, I'm going to sue you even though I haven't done any work on your house.  HAHA!

(This is essentially what happened, in a way:  A contractor stiffs the guy out of $85k; the guy gets a conviction against the contractor for larceny; but the contractor had just filed bankruptcy, so the guy was violating the stay and the judge thought the timing of the criminal complaint was "suspicious," so he made the guy who got ripped off pay back the money, plus attorneys' fees and costs!
http://www.startribune.com/nation/29232884.html
)
This message was last edited by the player at 16:56, Mon 22 Sept 2008.

How does something like this even happen?!

1- A guy rips you off.
2- The guy files for bankruptcy
3- The bankruptcy judge issues a stay, meaning that creditors can't get at your assets
4- You don't get the notice (or don't understand it when you get it) about the stay
5- You are ticked off so you file a criminal complaint
6- The guy who ripped you off sues for you violating the stay
7- The idiotic judge who sees that lawsuit believes you might be trying to use a criminal complaint as a form of blackmail to get the guy to pay money even though there is a stay because he sees "suspicious timing" and never even listens to your side of the story.

(It's really only #7 that is the big problem, in my book, but I've seen judges do all sorts of things that I think are pretty crazy.)

Personal Example:  Recently, one of my clients was sued for discrimination because it gave out special hats to "Mothers" on "Mother's Day."  Well, the "man" who sued didn't get one because he is not, and cannot be, a mother.  He filed a similar case in Southern California against other defendants ("double dipping").  The Southern California case was thrown out by the judge.  But our judge in the San Francisco area refused to throw it out despite all the legal authorities pointing in our direction, and his holding is directly contrary to California Supreme Court law.  So up go the attorneys' fees...and down goes our society to hell in a handbasket.

I am sure stuff like that must happen in Canada as well, I just only hear about the cases in the USA.

Either way this is precisely why I don't watch the news, pay any attention to politics or read John Grisham books.  This kind of stuff drives me insane.

I'm happy playing hockey, watching hockey, spending time with my wife and kids, loving my job and eating chocolate.

Well, an interesting case in Canada has also popped up...

A church refusing to marry a gay couple is being sued for discrimination even though the church morally opposes gay marriage.  (Gay marriage is legal in Canada.)

Yeah I figured there were some screwed up cases here as well.

Is there an internet link to that Canadian case anywhere Heath?

It's been a week or so since I read about it, so I don't remember where you'd find it exactly.

what exactly does any of this have to do with building your house??

and I dunno.  Would that be discrimination?

Would you want a builder to say he wasn't going to do the work and then sue you when you had him convicted of larceny?

--The gay marriage thing came up because Doulos was asking about crazy cases in Canada...er...maybe we can say things you wouldn't want to hear when building a House of God???  Yes, we got distracted.  So sue us.  Wait, don't sue us...

*sues doulos, but lets heath slide*

... nice

NEW TOPIC

Over the intercom:  The last of the parachutes have been handed out.  We apologise for the inconvenience for those who did not receive one.

"Anyone know how to dodge a heat seeking missile?"

Window Passenger:  "Hmm I had no idea these jets had removeable wings."

*said by large man entering plane*

Row 123 seat....  E.  Nice!  I'm next to the skinny guy.

Said by passenger next to you:

"Wow my bowels have been REALLY acting up today."

Stop talking, and go get me my extra large barf bag!

WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhh!
  - The baby in the seat behind you on a 14 hour flight.

THERE'S SOMETHING ON THE WING!!!

"Hey, look, a mountain goat!"

"Hi, I'm Kate Austin.  These are my friends Hugo and Sayid.  ("Lost" Reference)

NEW TOPIC


I'm sorry sir, but the computers are down. We've called a technician, and they should be here in an hour or so...


NOOOOOO!!!!! I was SOO close!

I'm sorry sir. This is a blue form. I asked you to fill out a Bloo^TM form. You'll have wait in the red line for a yellow form to requisition a Bloo^TM form I-74.

I'm sorry sir, but our photo center is currently down. We've sent for technicians to come repair it.

How long will that be?

A few hours...

New Topic!

(from the back) "Where the heck did that come from? Someone get the shovel!"

what do you mean 'cockroaches aren't a delicacy in america'!?

"you like swarms of things, right?" (also a great quote from a great show)

(from the kitchen) "5 second rule! 5 second rule!"

"Who crossed the sewage pipe with the sink pipe?"

I lost my glasses.  Is this melted butter or clorox?

"Its pee soup I made it myself."

"That was close, good thing the health inspector forgot to check the fridge..."

"Welcome to Cannibal's.  Can I get you a manwich?"

Today's special: Noodles and Poodles

Todays Special: Cat Man Goo

"Oh, our food is cultivated in the finest sections of Mexico City. Sometimes we even splurge on Mumbaian produce!"

Our special is Montezuma's Revenge.

New Topic

Crap, this is Sprite... Has anybody seen my hydrochloric acid?

Med Guy: Yes, its a new drug. No, I don't know what it is, we're trying this new "double blind" study thing.
This message was last edited by the player at 02:03, Sat 01 Nov 2008.

what do you mean mixing random things produces noxious gas- *thump*

"So what you're saying that is if I flip this switch, just like so, really bad things will happen?"
This message was last edited by the player at 17:46, Mon 03 Nov 2008.

Wait, that's not supposed to go on a Bunsen burn- BOOOOM!

"Oh, ouch... I guess these things really can cut through bone"

Should that be smoking like that?

"So... the alien specimen was here just a few seconds ago?"

Where did that come from?

What is with the secret service guys outside for?

"How long has that red warning light been flashing?"

Didn't we do that before and it didn't work?

Remember the last guy who did that? I miss him.

This explosion is taking too long to start, let's just throw it out.

Bubbles? That shouldn't be bubbling... Or smoking... Or producing foul odors.......

What do you mean that wasn't water?

You weren't supposed to drink that... *thud*

"It's Alive!  IT'S ALIVE!!!"

Somebody (anybody) saying "I'm sorry but the power company just called and said that if we don't pay the bill by tomorrow the lights go off and all that nitroglycerin freezes solid and causes a really big bang"

Who put THAT there?

new topic!

Things you do not want to hear at a summit of several nations looking for peace.

Ummm... my country's nuclear program...

Califonia accent: yeah sure whatever...

...maybe if we just have an intervention with the terrorists, they'll admit that they've been wrong all their lives.

So which country should we nuke today?

...you sunk my battleship!

Actual court records:

Q:  Now, doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, in most cases, he just passes quietly away and doesn't know anything about it until the next morning?

I'm attacking from Eastern United States to Western United states.  I'll only roll 2 dice, because the chance of you beating me is so sm- WHAT!?!  My armies!

You'll pay for this!

"Red Valkyrie needs food badly."

Chinese
Japanese
Dirty knees
Look at these!

"Who ordered the pee in soup?"
"Uh, don't you mean the pea soup?"
"Uh..."

Quick we need a new scapegoat. Everyone draw straws to see who's turn it is.

Our plan for world peace is to marry the daughter of a warring nation to the son of the nation it is warring with.

[news report]

"And after hours of intense negotiation, it would appear that they are bringing in specialist to mediate the negotiations. Their choice? American President George W. Bush. If any man knows about getting peace in the middle east, it's that man."

NEW TOPIC

(The topic is what songs you wouldn't want to hear playing on a commercial for specific products)

Johnny Cash's "Ring of Fire" being used for a hemmorhoid ointment commercial.

"Don't Worry, Be Happy" playing for a home-lobotomy kit

"I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For" from U2 playing on a commercial for a clapper

"Splish Splash" by Bobby Darin playing for a laxative commercial

"Santa Through the Back Door" by 30 Seconds to Mars for KY lube
This message was last edited by the player at 20:08, Mon 08 Dec 2008.

"Happy Days" playing for a funeral home commercial.

"Dr. Online (aka 1-800-Suicide)" for anti-depressants

"Jump" by Van Halen for the music on hold at a suicide hotline.

"You gotta just...jump!"
This message was last edited by the player at 20:39, Fri 12 Dec 2008.

"Freeze Frame" by the J Giles band for a kodak commercial.

its just too cheesy....

"Don't Jump" from "Tokio Hotel" would be better?

==> edit to help our friend pia
This message was last edited by the player at 22:44, Fri 12 Dec 2008.

is that the entire name of the song, or the band?

Cold Seed of Tiamat on a commercial for Viagra...

"Rubber Ducky" by little richard for a JAWS movie.

"Sweetest Thing" of "U2" for a commercial about aid for lepra.

"Mellow Yellow" for a Flomax commercial

"Till My Head Falls Off" by They Might Be Giants playing for a viagra commercial

"Stuck in the Middle" for a laxative commercial

"Fat" by Weird Al Yankovic for an infommercial about children starving in Africa.

LOL

"Girls just wanna have fun" for a Women's Abuse hotline

"Killing an Arab" by The Cure during a Mid-East Peace Summit.

"F*** the police" by Rage against the machine for a defense attorney ad

"Beer Goggles" for an ad about drunk driving.

"Dead to the Last Man" by the Proscriptions for a recruitment ad for the Army

NEW TOPIC

(The topic is what you wouldn't want to hear when making a speech for a lot of people)

Yourself farting?

"Lump" by Presidents of the United States of America for a breast cancer awareness ad.

Carnival music in an ad for a psychiatrist who claims he can cure you of Coulrophobia.

Ah, and I was liking the music topic so much...

___


A "hallelujah" after every time you finish a sentence...on the death penalty.

i say that we change to topic back to the song thing until we get bored of it.  I was actually having fun with it.

oh and heath, srsly.  go do the mad scientists game.  its right up your alley.

I might try it Monday.

"We are family" playing on an ad to fight incest.

Hey there your a rock star...

on ANY commercial!

"I Want My MTV" on a commercial for VH1.

"I like big butts" in a commercial for laxatives.

Hey, put your shoe back on, stinky-foot!

(New topics need to be named in the subject line. Stick to this one for now, and that can be when this one runs out, okay?)

Andrew Lloyd Weber's "The Point of No Return" (from Phantom of the Opera) over a commercial for a law firm...

"Gilligan's Islance Theme Song" for a cruise

O Fortuna... under anything that isn't a movie or Carmina Burana.

"Walking on Air" for an airline commercial

Godzilla by the Blue Oyster Cult for a Travel Agency.

"Don't Fear the Reaper" by BOC for a retirement home.

IDT S MRTU Y OEEGAO  AIUHS.
RINGHETO O BRESPDWONN CRSEIP.

"I Shot the Sheriff" on an ad for gun control.

If you're a cop, then "I shot the sherrif" for advertisement FOR firearms :D

"We Are Family" on a birth control ad.

"The Bad Touch (aka Discovery Channel" by Bloodhound Gang for a vetrinary clinic ad.

"Dead Puppies" in an ad for a vet clinic.

"Still Alive" with an ad for a funeral home.

The Theme from Titanic for a boat tour (this actually happened).

Really? That's incredible... ly awful...

Also, Burger King used the soul tune "Ain't Nuthin' Like The Real Thing, Baby" to promote their chicken nuggets.  Everyone agreed, the nuggets were nothing like the real thing.

I think it's time for a:

NEW TOPIC

Things you don't want to hear when making a speech in front of a large audience (as suggested by Pareidolian and Ionari).

The music from any video game.

ZZZZZZZZzzzzzz! ZZZZZZZzzzzz!

TITS or GTFO.

^{[citation needed]}

Uhhh, professor?  Is this Post-Modern Deconstructivist Thought 201?

Isn't the word "new-cue-lar"?

"Silent Night" in a SIDS awareness ad, in an animal abuse (a dog shotgunned to the face), and my local cemetery.

"Noel" for an ad for a private school nearby.

"I Saw Mommy Kissin' Santa Claus" for "Cheaters."

"Frosty the Snowman" for the local heating and gas company.

Jingle Bells for the local Veterinarian. ( For Neutering )

"Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer" at a Mothers Against Drunk Drivers meeting.

"I want a hippopotamus for christmas" for an advert warning people against bringing exotic animals home as pets.

Adam Sandler's Hannukah Song...

...ever.

Amen!

George W. Bush for Encyclodpedia Brittanica

Casey Anthony for the Child Safety Council

Brittney Spears for Supercuts.

Gary Busey for Motorcycle Safety

Bernie Madoff for Social Security Reform

Kanye West for Racial Relations

Douglas Adams for the Christian Coalition.

Charles Manson for the Human Life League.

George W. Bush for Amnesty International

Calista Flockhart for "Biggest Loser"

Hugh Hefner for abstinance

Sister Maria Teresa for McDonalds

Hitler for Pope (just watched Valkerye or was it Walkure. awesome movie.)

Nadya Suleman for abortion...or against abortion, for that matter.

Britney Spears for president

John Wayne Bobbit for Trojans.  (Think about it...)

Paris Hilton for Surgeon

Let's be honest, Paris Hilton for anything!

LMAO.... I second that.

Freddy Krueger for SleepTrain Mattresses

Tony Perkins for AirTran Airlines

Bob Denver for the War on Drugs

Pennywise the Clown for Barnum and Bailey's Circus

Three Stooges (Larry, Moe, Curly & Shemp) for 1800-PLUMBERS.COM

Vern Troyer for Men's Big And Tall

Ted Nugent for PETA

obama for rockstar

obama for president

The Baldwins for Thanksgiving

Alec Baldwin for Schwetty Balls.

Bigfoot for Nair

Bigfoot for odor eaters

Vixcis for GM

Shaq for bowling

Heath for funeral advertisements

Edit: Ledger.
This message was last edited by the player at 04:12, Thu 26 Mar 2009.

Oliver Cromwell for Burger King

Suze Orman for male enhancement pills.

PIA for sushi

NEW TOPIC

????????? whhere??

The government tried to make a vaccine, turns out, it just makes the darn things stronger; and more lethal... and more infectious... and generally all around worse. the end is near!

It was recently discovered that this new disease is actually a massive coverup for a zombie infestation.

We have found that it now, OFFICIALLY slightly worse than your common cold, with no side effects, and no chance of lethality.

NEW TOPIC

is pregnant, and is also a crossdresser.

"I just did two things, son; first, I upped your life insurance to a million dollars; second, I bought a pistol...for security, yeah, that's it."

The boarding school is just up the street, next to all the boxes on the hilltop, made of ticky tack. oh look, a green one!

"Can you rub lotion on my back?"

Do I look pregnant?

"Let's read Oedipus Rex together."

These things happen, now go back to the sweat shop!

"Hey ma, is that dinner I smell?"
"It is, and you do"

no son, we aren't having a party... they are all here for the paternity test. Wanna guess which one is your daddy?

SON: I don't like little brother
MOM: Be quiet and eat what I give you!

I need you to go to the store and buy me some feminine hygiene products.
This message was last edited by the player at 16:11, Wed 27 May 2009.

"Son, do you douche?"

(I don't why, but this one just struck me as hilarious when I thought of it, referring back to those commercials a few years back.)

"Son, could you fetch me my vibrating couch"

"I'm really a man."

"I told you she was the mascot.."

"I like big butts and I cannot lie. No other brothers cant deny.."

New topic!

So this is the sterring weel, this is the trunk, and... oh my, that corpse is included in the shipping fees, you already signed!

Car Salesmen: I can think of one celebrity who would love to have this car.
Customer: Who, Fred Flintstone?
Car Salesmen: Yeah...

Yes, this is your old car I'm trying to sell back to you.

Salesman: This car is btrand new
You: then what is it doing in thru sed lot?
Salesman: its got a lot of miles on it
You: How many?
Salesman: 1000
You: that isn;t much
Salesman: the left blinker is also broken....

I know you just traded in your car for $2000, but the only car you can afford in this lot is the car you just traded in to me; it's a steal at $4000!

I got a brand new 1934 Hudson, its a stealer at $300, and I oughta know because I'm the guy that stole it

No, that's not blood... It's salsa. Yeah, that's it... Salsa.

Too bad you missed cash for clunkers.  Would've saved you $4000.  Tough luck for you, eh?

This is the car for you! the late owner of this ride was well satisifed of its compartment space, policemen told me the late owner was able to fit 4 corpses, thats right, 4! Talk about ample cargo space huh?

Well, I put in a fire extinguisher, so those shorted out wires won't be a problem!

It has a secret compartment for your shotgun.

The engine will ofcourse sound and perform in optimum effeciency though you made need to limit your speed to 40. just in case.

If I were you, I really just wouldn't even wanna sit there... Just my opinion.

That's the break. I think.

What? No, I don't smell the kind of stench that a decomposing corpse would give off. Dave, you wanna take 'em for a test drive?

Show me the CarFacts.

What? Yeah, it's supposed to smell like burning tires. That's a good sign that you're really haulin'.

Yeah, I actually configured it so that it would always leak oil, just like James Bond's car.

No, the spiked tires aren't illegal, per se. They're skirting the boundaries, sure, but they're not illegal.

Can I propose a new topic?
This message was last edited by the player at 15:27, Fri 18 Dec 2009.

Sure thing. Just go ahead and change the subject.

Oh god, they're on to me. RUN!

We're gonna use the Chewbacca defense.

On my count, grab the guard's gun and shoot the judge. Then, we're headed to Mexico.

Um, yeah, he kinda did kill that guy. But he was REALLY mad.

I bet it was YOU! (pointing at the judge) You're trying to frame my client!

I bet it was YOU! (points at a mirror) You're the murderer here!

Ok, your turn. (points at the game of hangman on his legal pad.) Three words, 27 letters.

Look, I drew a squirrel!

Yeah, well the jury's verdict is stupid!

You're all a bunch of doo-doo heads!

No, YOU'RE guilty!

Your mom's guilty!

(pushes the bailiff) What, you wanna start something?

Yay fireworks! *throws sparklers into the crowd*

(Picks up the evidence bag with the murder weapon in it) What do they call this one, again?

So... what am I supposed to be doing again?

(Speaking aloud to you) So, why didn't you just use an untraceable bullet? Then, you wouldn't be in here.

You just had to kill him, didn't you?

Um...it appears you have been abducted by aliens recently.

Wow... How'd that get in there?

You're gonna need to come back regularly for the next, oh, year or so. Maybe more. Every week...

Nah, the foam on the mouth and the growling, that's just for appearances. Dink here is great wol- dog for a house with kids.


proctology went nowhere

We're going to have to call the janitor to help with this one.

EDIT:  Oops, sorry, I thought we were still on proctologist.
This message was last edited by the player at 17:48, Mon 04 Jan 2010.

Yeah, Piranhas are great first pets! You just need to make sure they're well fed, because they'll eat yo- your dinner if you're not careful about that.

Perhaps because it's so anal retentive, it went up a big black hole where the sun don't shine.  :)

You can help keep your snake warm by letting it sleep in your bed, preferably by your arm or head.

Nah, the penguin'll be fine during the summer as long as ya keep it locked in the freezer.

That polar bear'll do just fine in your bath tub, or even a pool. I promise.

Yes, now with the Monster Snorkel, your children can breathe at night without exposing vulnerable body parts!


Pet store guy was goin' slow. This has so many more opportunities.

"What are you looking at?  Are you waiting for me to say, 'Wait, there's more!'...because there's not.  That's it.  Now call up and order!"

This is kinda random, but did you guys see the infomercial selling the katanas where the guy breaks it and stabs himself? That's something you don't wanna hear.

... Or you can just pay for it in installments that will last your entire lifetime!

Milly Bays Here with Epoxy Clean! Yes, now you can clean stuff and glue it together really damn fast!

And if you call in the next 15 min, you can avoid having your daughter so up in my next 'Girls gone Wild' Video.

But wait! If you can call in the next 5 minutes, I'll have someone reconnect your power line!

NEW TOPIC

"And then Jesus said, 'Life is like a box of chocolates...'"

"What? Im sorry, i was busy eating all these chocolates here."

Yeah, I'm just here for the alcohol. What, there's no beer? Screw this!

(In a confessional)

Whoa... That is messed up, you're not getting forgiveness for that.

PRIEST: And the lord said, thoust shall not indulge yourself- oh god dammit lord, why'd you have to go changing the rules!!!

And the lord say-th unto his people...Take Indy against the spread!

"We're in the middle of the atlantic, and unless we lose weight fast we're going to run out of fuel before we reach our destination ..."

"Can anyone aboard fly a plane?"

Pilot: "Who weighs the most here? THE PLANE DEMANDS A SACRIFICE!!!"

Stewart: "Well theres this pregnant woman aboard ..."

Pilot: "Chuck her overboard"

Pregnant Woman: "Wait, what are you ... no ... NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO_OOOOOOOO ... *SPLAT*

Pilot:"This is the captain speaking. After that last bout of turbulence we lost the ballast on the left wing. We need some volunteers! We need three virgins and a grape fruit out there now!"

WOOOO, TURBULENCE! THIS IS RADICAL, DUDE!

Co-Pilot: "Hey! Hey! Guys, check it out! When I push this red button this little gauge spins!"
Pilot: "That is the altitude."

Yes, there's a flock of pegasi outside, but do NOT panic!

Sounds like we're all going to live.

*Wing falls off*

Oops, spoke too soon.

"Ladies and gentlemen, we are descending into the Scorpion King's Temple International Airport."

Oh crap pigeons.
This message was last edited by the player at 03:02, Mon 12 Apr 2010.

I want everyone to know, I am not as drunk as I sound right now, it's just the booze making me sound that way.

FL, theres a pidgeon in the engine. Pull a 'Captian Sully', and land this thing in the Nile. Its right over ... CRAP! WHO MOVED THE NILE!?

Well sir, the good news is you're pregnant.

Doctor: I have bad news.  You are going to die in five...

Patient:  Five?!  Five what?  Five days, five months, five years?

Doctor:  ...four... three...  two...

In reply to Shatman (msg #350):

But how could this be, im on the pill! That, and I'm a boy ... hmm

In reply to snotburger (msg #352):
The typical way: a few drinks, a little dinner...

I have good news: You're going to have a disease named after you.

Manbaby syndrome? Who wouldda through i'd be the one in 7.001 billion people infected ...