"Oh I do.  You might say that the subconscious is inhabited by things that feel somehow darker.   The first one of those...when you got hypothermia, and your father saved you, and your mother was angry with you.   How did you feel, following that?   Did it affect your sense of security, at all?  Did it affect how you saw either of your parents, or yourself?" 

”I mainly felt ill, and later upset that I wasn’t allowed out to play…I don’t think I understood how close to dying I had come…not until much later anyway” she softly replied as she fidgeted with cuffs. At the time she hadn’t really understood why everyone was so angry with her, it wasn’t like she’d meant to stay out so long after bedtime! ”parents treated me like I was made of the china for a while but our relationship didn’t really change…it was my brothers that changed, they started taking care of me more and let me join in games with them, they were …um…a lot older than me…I think I was an accident…either way before they didn’t want little sister hanging around them…but afterwards we…we became closer”

"I see.  And being assaulted by the Russian that way, was that your earliest serious brush with death, after enlisting in the service?  Or at least one of them?"   

She would cast her mind back to those early days when the war had been in full swing and she seemed to be in constant danger or so it had felt to her anyway ”ye-es…it was first time I saw enemy up close…saw them as…as people…rather than just distant targets” she said a little uncertainly with her looking at Alison to see if she understood what she was trying to say ”have you ever been into combat Dr. Verault?” she would curiously ask, being careful to pronounce her name correctly, interested to know whether she had any first hand experience of what it was like to be out in the field and consequently understood what she was trying to describe.
This message was last edited by the player at 12:42, Thu 12 Jan 2023.

"No, I have not," she answered honestly.   It wasn't the first time she'd received that question, and understood what might motivate it, why it might matter.

"I have been through basic training.  As an officer of the Med division, it's possible I might one day need to serve as a field medic, in a pinch. Or deal with a hostile confrontation, such as a boarding of the ship.   I've trained to be prepared for those things."   She paused briefly.

"And, I've spent thousands of hours listening to the detailed experiences of soldiers. While that's not the same as firsthand experience, let's say I'm very good at envisioning, and I've worked to cultivate a high degree of empathy, so that I really understand my patients.  Not just hear them."   

"Hm. Well, off the top of my head, from what you've told me thus far:  It is possible that finding out your parents were gone served to reduce your sense of security, at a subconscious level.   Psychologically, the presence of parents -- the good kind, at least -- provides a sense of safety and warmth, even when we're adults.   Suddenly knowing for certain that both were gone, may have stripped you of that.   And triggered these memories of times when you really weren't safe, and joined them together in the dreams and hallucinations." 
This message was last edited by the player at 20:26, Wed 11 Jan 2023.

”No, it is not the same” Tarja responded with it being easy to mistake her blunt tone as being offensive or even offended though in truth it was just the way she was and didn’t mean anything by it or even realise she was doing it. She would take a moment to study the woman sitting in front of her, wondering what it was that driven her to ply her trade on a frontline combat vessel rather than a comfy office somewhere far away from the bullets, of course it was entirely possible that she could get through her entire tour without seeing the enemy but something told her that wouldn’t be the case ”This is good ship to see combat first hand, I think” Tarja said with an affirmative voice before listening to the overview of her condition.

She would speak of the possible trauma caused by her parents deaths with it triggering other memories that manifested in the form of dreams and hallucinations. It all sounded rather plausible, especially seeing as she didn’t have an alternate explanation “I guess death of brothers wouldn’t help situation either?” she murmured, wondering how this information would help change her situation ”So…what do I do now?”

In truth, Alison was used to being tested and assessed by those she was assessing.   It was common, and fully understandable.  Tarja's bluntness didn't bother her, and in general, she'd take candor over insincerity any day.

"Your brothers as well?  Tarja, I'm so sorry to hear.  I know in general what your homeland went through, and remember you speaking of it in brief, when we met.  And yes, that would only add to the phenomenon I'm speaking of." 

As with Lizzie before, Alison found something to relate to, here.   She too had lost a brother; not physically dead. At least, she hoped not.  But the sort of living death that came with being a diehard junkie.

"Remember though, like I said at the start, I'm just offering my thoughts and opinion, at this stage.  Please don't take that as an official diagnosis, because it isn't one.   If you're serious about working on this, and want the kind of help my profession offers, then that would be the next step.   But there are other ways to address this kind of thing, if you want to try them first.   Like so many things, understanding is half the battle.  I can refer you to some works that would explain how you may have been affected by your loved one's deaths. And though it sometimes still gets jeered at, meditation, when done the right way, can actually be pretty effective in dealing with trapped or insufficiently examined feelings.  A good start in addressing them, at least."   
This message was last edited by the player at 00:04, Fri 13 Jan 2023.

"Thank you" Tarja quietly replied in a tone of voice that said that the response was now an automatic reaction to when people offered their condolences and sympathy "Tuomas died in second year of war when transport was hit by RPG...Erik died in final year of war, he was a pilot, it was when I was trying to contact my parents to tell them he had...that his plane had been shot down that I learned they too had died...several years ago" she said, unsure as to why exactly she was explaining this to Alison other than she felt the need to do so.

As Dr Verault explained some of the options open to her it would become clear that Tarja was feeling more than a little lost; with her not even knowing where to begin when it came to meditation, and addressing her feelings clearly wasn't her strong suit either considering how long it had taken her to even explore the possibility that something may be wrong with her "I...I don't really know...I guess I will have to think about it..."
This message was last edited by the player at 21:24, Sat 14 Jan 2023.

Alison not only listened, but observed Tarja's expressions, small movements, body language as she usually did, taking in the composite of a person.

"There's no need to make an immediate choice," she assured. "Take whatever time you wish to decide.  As I said, I hear the experiences of a lot of soldiers.  I've never faced the physical dangers of war, but I see and deal with the brutal effects of it daily. Soldiers by their nature are strong people, and most dislike feeling vulnerable, and have a grin and bear it mentality. That's okay, up to a point.  But past that point, it can be kind of like the guy who ends up with a serious illness, because he wanted to tough it out rather than see the doctor early on."    She also added:

"There are medications, too, that can treat hallucinations.  But it'd need a full evaluation to prescribe them.   And honestly?  Though meds are for some things necessary, I prefer to work to resolve a patients issues without them, as a first approach."   

Tarja would sit in silence for several minutes after Alison had finished speaking, uncertain as to what the best course of action would be, agreeing that as much as she wanted to blindly hope that it would all go away that she needed to deal with the problem before it got any worse ”I…I think I like to speak with you again…I’d prefer to avoid the drugs if possible” she slowly replied, hesitating a moment before continuing ”if I was to…see you, would it appear on record?” she asked, worried about what kind of an effect it would have on her promotion prospects and her career in general.

Alison's smile was humorous and reassuring.    "Do you have any idea how often I hear that?  Like, every other person I speak with?    And I get it;  everyone's afraid they'll be tagged as a crazy if they see the shrink."  She paused for a moment before going on.

"I assure you, it doesn't work that way, and it is far from my purpose aboard the Hermes.   This is something new; I'm the first dedicated psychologist the ship has had.  I wasn't recruited with the intent of making brave, loyal soldiers look bad to the brass.  And in fact, the brass considers it a good thing when someone has the guts to open up about what's chewing on them.   There's no demerit for that.  Demerits are far more likely when someone clams up about an issue, goes into the field, and ends up putting themselves and others at increased risk.   My work is to insure that doesn't happen, and that promising careers aren't impeded or cut short by anything that could have been addressed."      She summed up:

"Yes, I'll have to notate and report.   But I give you my full pledge, that won't come back on you in any bad or unfair way."   

Tarja would breathe a visible sigh of relief upon receiving the reassurances that any sessions she had with Alison would have no impact on her career or promotion prospects ”ok…I think maybe we talk again, I need this to stop” she said, wanting to be able to spend the night with someone without the fear that she would awake in the middle of the night and try to choke the life out of them.

With the decision made to at least discuss the problem some more Tarja would move to get up thinking that this was a good enough point to end things ”I’m going to get a drink and maybe something to eat…you could join me if you like, it would be nice to talk about something else for a while” she offered, hoping that Alison wouldn’t think she was trying to get a free session out of her, with her just wanting a break from it all and the chance to talk with somebody new.

Alison smiled again, happy enough to have reason for a break.  "Yes, for sure. Among other things, I'd love to hear more about Finland.  The happy memories. Give me a second to close everything up." She instructed the system through her COM: "After our exit, lock all files and monitor the office at standard security."   

She stood; "Alright then. Where do you feel like heading to?"   

With Alison agreeing to join for a drink, Tarja would wait for her to tidy up and set the security before being asked where she fancied going ”I was thinking of trying cafe on civilian dec I was told about” she said as she stepped out of Alison’s office and into the corridor beyond ”…it would make change to rec dec, also I would like to see what it’s like and whether I want to get a certain young man to take me there” she said with her lips briefly quirking up in a smile as she mentioned him, betraying the fact that although she seemed a little cold that there were indeed feelings lurking somewhere within her.

——> Civie Section

"Fantastic!  I've not been there before.  Let's go check it out."   

--->>> Civie Section

Alison's portable, with Justin's text, chimed letting her know he was eager to join her wherever she wanted.

---->>>  Civie Section

Doing some preliminary work for the new, Alison smiled on seeing Justin's message and responded:

Sounds great...I'm in my office; did you want to meet out on the Dec for breakfast?

In reply to Dr. Alison Verault (msg # 98):

Sure thing, I'm heading to You now. Justin commed moving from the flight line towards the Med area.
This message was last edited by the player at 19:18, Wed 25 Jan 2023.

I wasn't sure if your post above meant you were showing up here first, or you were good with meeting me on the Rec Dec and are sort of waiting for me to post.    But at this point, I'm going to gather it was the latter...

------->>>  Rec Dec

In reply to Dr. Alison Verault (msg # 100):

Will do so as well

Officers Dec------->>>>

While battle raged elsewhere, Alison sat alone with her musings and thoughts.  She couldn't truly say she was sorry, being safely here, instead of risking her life out in the Black. And yet her conscience did nag at her sometimes, in spite of the fact she knew she wasn't cut out to be a fighter pilot.

Paradise...ironic, the people of the world that bore that name were doing their best to give human kind hell, right now.  And hardly for the first time.

She sighed, reached and picked up a remote, tapped a button, then spoke:   "Create visual montage of Angel race architectural and artistic works, including performance art.  Set it to the music of Seraphim Symphony #6."   

Alison sat back and watched, as the AI heeded her, using the holo-projector to project the requested imagery, while the music played.

Part of her fascination with Angel kind was professional.  As a psychologist, how could one not be interested in what made them tick?    But part of her fascination went back to when she was a girl, well before her studies and career.

It wasn't till maybe eighteen months ago that she grasped that Angels reminded her of her father.   Particularly as he'd dominated her life when she was young.

The unassailable, commanding persona from up on-high. The cool hearted hand of one-sided, arbitrary justice that seemed to be able reach anywhere.

Yes...there were so many parallels between a narcissist parent and the Angelic approach to galactic governance...

In the holo-projector's image, a particularly beautiful, raven-tressed Angel performed a painstakingly inricate, ballet-like dance, inside a sphere of soft, violet-blue light.

She thought of her brother, whom she'd not heard from for going on four years now.  And wished again that, somewhere out there, he was okay. And of her father...doubtlessly performing his own duties in the ESN.  In a position he'd only gotten his foot in through the betrayal of those he'd formerly served.

Yes...she had personal reason to despise ego-monsters, false gods. Regardless of whether their dominion was a family household or a galactic federation.   And seeing them suffer setbacks or defeats could always bring a smile to her face.    Hopefully, the price for it would not be unusually high.
This message was last edited by the player at 00:00, Sat 25 Feb 2023.

When he had an opportunity Justin sent a com to Alison to see how she was, and asking if she would like something to eat.

She sent back; Hey there, so glad you're back!   Let me know where you want to meet, I'll be there.

In reply to Dr. Alison Verault (msg # 104):

Is the hanger deck OK with you. They've put on sandwiches and brews becaus we've on standby; goodness knows when the Brass will have us launch again.
This message was last edited by the player at 22:35, Tue 28 Feb 2023.

It sure is;  I'll meet you out there. 

---->>>>  Hanger Dec