" I am glad you got to hear it then, yes I am so glad the truth came out they called her incompetent before this no one knew exactly what happened to the Neutron until we discovered this message my mom left for me." Lizzy took the tissue and cleaned herself up.

" Ok good so I shouldnt be too upset about it. I should have known, he was never a loving father, it was school, training, and flying from a very young age. He pushed me to be the best pilot I could but I dont think he ever hugged me or ever with heart say he loved me. I was lucky enough to find this picture of my mom and I keep it with me as much as I can, but she goes in combat with me every time. I wish I got to know her, my mom, she seemed to be an amazing woman and I missed having a mom. Captain Si came to see me as a baby, and I did spend time with then Lt. Hack, he use to call me Dizzy Lizzy. Oh sorry Doc rambling."

 " Yeah the only reason I would want to be close to him would be to kill him, he wasnt redeemable or savable in my eyes after what he did, sorry Doc don't think I could ever forgive him, I know that's bad but I celebrate my birthday and my mom's death on the same day because of him. One thing I wish I had time to ask him before his execution, I just wanted to know if he ever truly loved me or was, I supposed to die with my mom." Lizzy was getting very emotional, it was hard for her to talk about all this without losing it, but she was being strong, Alison could tell Lizzy was using all her willpower to keep from breaking down and letting her powerful emotions take control of her, but Lizzy held it together barely.

 Lizzy tried to shake it off and then replied," Great I was actually heading to the Sims when I contacted you. What else should I do, or just keep doing what I am doing. Izzy seemed upset I was going to a shrink; she thinks I just needed to talk to her. I have and Izzy has HELPED so much, not sure if I would have made it if it wasnt for Izzy, Nikki and my lost friend Harry. I just wanted a professional opinion to make sure I was doing the right thing and dealing with this in as healthy of a way as possible. I will also add I have a love of children and Haley, Nikki's ward, we have become close, and Can we got fish together. Spending time with them, how can I say it makes my soul happy."
This message was last edited by the player at 12:45, Tue 27 Dec 2022.

I should have known, he was never a loving father, it was school, training, and flying from a very young age. He pushed me to be the best pilot I could but I dont think he ever hugged me or ever with heart say he loved me.

Ah, and how Alison could identify with that bit.  Not the part of being a pilot, but the treatment, and the personality Lizzie described.    Naturally, she couldn't say so.  Because unlike Lizzie, her own father was alive, and now a respected ESN colonel to boot.  There was never anything she could say...

"Lizzie...I might offer this advice:  Forgiving isn't something you do for the other person.  It's something you do for yourself.   Resentment, or outright hatred, can be seductive to hold onto, especially when there's good reason for it.   Which you certainly have.  But your father's gone, and there's no further justice that can be done.    As much as possible, try to recognize he was a very flawed man, who probably had no real happiness in his life, and drop any resentments toward him, as much as possible.   Don't let a dead man live rent free in your head and heart, if you can avoid it."

She smiled as to the last part.   "Loved ones often feel something like that, when someone states they're going to talk to a psychologist.   For a variety of reasons.  And even as a psychologist, I'd be first to say, loved ones, friends and family are your most crucial support.  It sounds as though you're very well off there, which is wonderful.   But, there's also no shame in reaching for other support, when it's needed.   Especially since an experienced professional may have insights you won't get elsewhere." 

"Yes, keep doing what you're doing.  Use the Sim as much as possible.  Let's make that trigger come up in the Sim, if it's going to happen.  Not in the seat of your fighter."   

 Lizzy thought long on hard on the forgiving her father and how Alison stated it was for her not him. " I just don't know it really hurts being betrayed by your own father, finding out he killed my mother and tried to kill me, it won't be easy but I will try, I won't let him control my life anymore, I will focus on myself and my friends. Not saying I will forgive him tomorrow, but I will work on it Doc. Thank you for everything and is there anything else you want to ask or want to know about me?"

"I do know that it hurts, and believe me, I understand the challenge in it.   Sadly, sometimes being related by genetics and a family name doesn't mean much at all.  Sometimes, our true 'family' are people we meet along the way, instead of those we're related to through birth." She smiled. "I like to believe the universe kind of compensates us that way, in some cases."   

"Anyway, I think that wraps it up!  It was great to finally meet you.  Congratulations again on the engagement, and I hope you and Izzie have many happy years together."

 Lizzy smiled at Alison and replied," No it doesn't Doc, the Hermes has been my home and my family now. One last question sorry, do you think it is weird I have always felt closer to a woman I never really met and a man I lived all my life with, or have I finally lost it."

"Are you speaking of your mother and father?   If so, given the the circumstance, I don't think it's crazy, at all, and not even so surprising.  Your basic nature is poles apart from your father's.  You obviously have a strong conscience, probably even as a child.   That being the case, how could you feel close to a man like that?   Whereas your mother, even without knowing her, I think it's plain how much she loved you, and wanted the best for you.   That's more important than how much time you spend with someone."   

 Lizzy smiled and tears ran down her cheek, her emotions were boiling over, had to release them. Lizzy said," Thank you Doc you dont know how happy that makes me feel, I love my mom dearly and, and .... and... Dad I wish I could have saved you but you chose your path and followed what heart you had I forgive you and now I am going to kick fucking ass and get married."

 Lizzy then ran up to Alison, pulled her out of her seat and gave her a huge powerful tearful hug. Holding Alison tight and crying hard on her shoulder, tears more of joy than sorry but she had to release her emotions, she really hoped this wasnt inappropriate especially the Doc knows Lizzy swings both ways but Alison could tell this was a powerful emotional release and will hit Lizzy hard.

It wasn't the first time, both in and out of session, though this was surely the most powerful and expressive instance Alison had experienced.     Lizzie had prepared her for it, so it wasn't out of left field at all.

Alison said nothing more, returning  the hug, content to do so as long as needed.   "That's it," she said gently, "Just let all the emotion flow out, just like water. It takes guts to do this. It's easier to stuff it all down, and lock it away. But nothing heals that way."   

 Lizzy just held Alison tight as she let the joy, anger, fear, hatred, love all pour out of her, Lizzy doesn't know how long she help Alison and for how long she cried but when she was collapsed into Alison's arms she was emotionally and physically spent.

 Lizzy got her bearings and then stood up and said," I am sorry but thank you Doc, I needed that, I hope I didn't do anything inappropriate I apologize." Lizzy took another minute, took a deep breath and added," I do feel a lot better like a huge weight was taken off my chest. Thank you Doc." Lizzy smiled listened to any response from Alison and then began to head for the Sims, feeling amazing actually.

"You're very welcome.  Glad to be of help.   Let me know how it goes with the Sims, eh?  If you can do multiple sessions, without any trigger, that's a great sign.  Or if it does come up again, there's ways that it can be addressed, so it doesn't remain a reoccurring problem." 

After Lizzie had departed, Alison did the necessary admin, and then returned to the work she'd been doing prior to the lunch hour.

 Lizzy gave Alison another hug but this one was normal, when they broke apart Lizzy just couldn't help herself to check the doc out. Her willpower was very low after her emotional release, but she quickly just smiled and headed out of her office hoping Alion didnt catch her checking her out. Lizzy said," Thank you again Doc we will be in touch." then she headed towards the Rec Dec first to get some food and then the Sims.


----->>>>> Rec Dec

Message for Alison Verault: “Are you free to meet with me for a chat Dr. Verault?”

Alison noted the message, responded:   I am.   Please stop by my office if this is a good time.

Message for Alison Verault:”ok will be over in few minutes, just finished exercise”

——> Hangar Dec

After entering Med tech, Tarja would follow the signs to the offices and look for the door with Dr. Verault’s name on it. Upon finding it she would politely knock and wait to be called inside.

Alison had noted the corporal's approach on the cam, within the lobby, and once she'd made it to the office, the door slid open and Alison hailed: "Please, come on in." 

Much as Lizzie O'Connor before her, Tarja would find an office that was plainly intended to be comfortable more than clinical.  Livened up with plants, paintings, the occasional statuette or small holo-image of places Alison had visited, most prominently the Burian villages.

"Welcome, make yourself comfortable," she indicated a choice of chair or sofa.   "Would you like anything to drink?  I've got iced tea, water, and juice?"

Stepping into the office Tarja would take a moment take in her surroundings with it looking for more like somebody’s front room than a doctors office. After closing the door behind her Tarja would take a seat on the sofa “No thank you, I am ok” she said, politely declining the offer of a drink before looking to Alison, clearly uncertain of the format that their conversation would take.

Alison smiled, this being fairly usual when speaking to someone for the first time.  Not that she hadn't spoken to Tarja once before, but this was the first time where her advice was being asked.  She sat down herself, then said:

"As you requested, we can just have a chat, outside the bounds of a formal session. If you want my professional opinion, I can still give it. But will clearly label it as just that; my opinion.   I'm also more than happy to just listen, and offer my thoughts, as a fellow ESN service member and a person with my particular experiences."
This message was last edited by the player at 16:27, Sat 07 Jan 2023.

Sitting stiffly upon the sofa almost as if she was at attention, Tarja would slowly nod her head in understanding before beginning to speak “Yes, the informal chat, that is what I want…I need to know if I have problem, and if you can fix before I commit” she said, running her hand along her leg so as to smooth out any real or imagined creases, buying herself the time she felt she needed to formulate how best to begin ”I have recurring nightmare, it started in last year of war…it causes me to wake in night problem is line between awake and dream is blurred…usually not a problem but last night I was not alone in bed and I…I thought he…I thought dream was…gah!…I tried to escape and hit him!” she said offering Alison a look of embarrassment before continuing in a low voice as she gave voice to her fear ”…I’m worried that next time I may try to strangle him instead…” she said, looking up at Alison in askance of her opinion.

Alison listened.  "Okay, I understand where that must've been unnerving; for you and most probably him as well. However, it's definitely not the first time I've encountered that phenomenon."   She paused briefly, to put her COM on unavailable, which she hadn't yet done.

"What you're describing is more truly a vivid dreamlike experience; a type of hallucination, that may be mistaken for a nightmare, and can occur while waking up or falling asleep.  It'd be unusual to do someone serious harm. Attempts to escape, and slapping or shoving, are normally about as far as it goes, before consciousness kicks in.   Still, as a soldier you're trained to kill, and it's not impossible, and should be dealt with."

"Just like a nightmare, the hallucination's source is your subconscious.  More specifically, what got imprinted there in that last year of the war.   Was there some incident, or event, that was the beginning of this?"   
This message was last edited by the player at 18:26, Sun 08 Jan 2023.

There was a brief flicker of concern when Alison set her comms to do not disturb, with the gesture belying that there was indeed a problem and that it wasn’t her simply overreacting. She listened as Alison explained that it was more of an hallucination than a true dream, and that although it was unlikely to do anyone real damage it was best to address the situation.

When asked what could have triggered her nightmare, Tarja would pause for for several moments, though whether this was in thought or a simple reluctance to give voice to the memory “In last year of war I…I learned my parents were…dead…and that I was alone” Tarja replied in awkward voice, shifting uncomfortably on the sofa ”The dream didn’t start immediately…but it wasn’t long after, I think”

"I see. I'm so sorry for your loss.  That kind of thing is definitely a psychological shock, that can have lingering effects."  She paused, then asked "You described it as recurring.  So there's a theme, or a specific situation, that you see over and over again?  Would you feel comfortable telling me what that is, at least in general?" 

”Thank you…it happened a long time ago…” Tarja quietly replied before agreeing to tell Alison about her dream ”it always starts the same…when I was six I got lost in the woods outside my home whilst playing hide and seek…it is cold and dark, and snowing, and I am shouting for my brothers but I get no reply. I wander around the woods looking for them until eventually pushing through these bushes…and then I am eighteen and standing over a young Russian boy choking on his own blood…I…I tried to cut throat but I botch it…I hear noise behind me and something jumps me from trees…then I wake up” she said, relaying the details of her dream in an uncomfortable voice, especially when she spoke of the Russian boy knowing that it would be obvious that these weren’t dreams so much as memories ”…second half changes, first night after Bura it was Larg that jumped out at me…last night was And…um…lover whose throat was cut and dead Russian boy that attacked me” She added so she would have the full picture of her dream.

Alison nodded. "The part about being jumped by something from behind the trees...did that happen in real life?  If so, how did the situation resolve?  Did one or both of your parents intervene?"   

”No…this was later, during war” Tarja replied with a shake of her head, with her hand moving in a simultaneous gesture as she did so ”…when I was six my father found me…I had been in the snow for hours and I had hypothermia…mother was furious…she wouldn’t let me or my brothers out for weeks, though in truth I think she was just scared” she explained, recalling how sick she had been in the days that had followed and the worried look in her mother’s eyes ”…no…it was another Russian soldier, he had been…um…answering call of nature…he was on me before I knew it…my sergeant saved me, stabbed him before he could choke the life out of me…then he slapped me and called me a stupid girl…but in dream it feels…different…like it is something else…something…darker…do you know what I mean?” she said uncertain as to whether she was making any sense.