Re: Thread V: The fight for the Deathstaff
My understanding is I can now make a post for the first watch, since I wanted a character beat to have Sun Snake assimilate some stuff. Usually this sort of stuff happens in private threads and private lines, but given the nature of the surroundings, I think sun Snake's actually going to be changing for the better for once, and I think I'll have it happen in the open to reflect that!
Once all the rest were settled, Sun Snake did not keep a watch. He did not need to, as his senses were stretched out. Instead, he moved towards the pool's edge away from the rest. He took to one knee at the very edge of the water, and withdrew his sword. He sank the blade in to the water, resting his a hand and his head on the pommel.
Before he had seen this place he had possessed so much anger, and he assumed he must still have it. He had been channelling it outwards in to the world to be lost, losing a part of himself - even if it was an unwelcome part - in the process. However to profane this place with it seemed unthinkable.
And besides, if he couldn't trust himself, shouldn't he trust his companions? Rain Feather had advised doing something Sun Snake would not have even though to attempt - confront it now, still out here. And it had been Sabre fox and Sun Fox's actions that had created this space that seemed so safe. Sabre Fox was a rock of certainty, and Sun Snake couldn't imagine being a danger with the man returned to the group. And if Sun Fox had been blessed to help create this place, was that not a sign that she was indeed forgiven for her actions? If so, then he could not carry on being burdened with any ill feeling, no matter how he might try to keep it away. And he could imagine Alyne's looks of concern as they continued, as she did not believe him to be so falliable. And should he not ensure he deal wiht his own issues, if he were to continue to be her teacher?
Sun Snake knelt with a great hesitation, feeling a whirl of emotions build up inside of him. And yet in this place, he could not reconsile it as rage. Not any longer. It was not unpleasant nor pleasant, merely powerful, whatever was damned up inside of him. The anger had been simple, and powerful. In some dark corner of his mind he knew that it gave him strength. And it was a very simple thing to understand. And turning from it had made thigns very simple.
Yet in this place he couldn't connect to that emotion any longer. Kai's hand had touched this place and made it anew, and whatever anger he had felt towards the world and tried to push out in to the world felt at odds with it. Now it was a whirling mass inside himself alone, and even then it wasn't something that should be entertained inside himself in this place.
Sun Snake did not know what to do with it, and tried to focus on beating it with slow logic, enumerating the cause to tame it. He could admit to himself now that he had felt angry at Lone Wolf for leaving them all. It was as if it had been all the Grandmaster's fault for being weak and leaving them, for leaving them when they could not look after themselves. He was angry at the peaks and troughs of hope and disappointment he had felt without the man. Was each turn of good he saw a reward for his faith, or was it false hope that was dashed by he next trough.
Yet in this place, it was hard to see the Grandmaster's fall as a failure, feeling what they were fighting for. If the Grandmaster was indeed dead - and a small part of Sun Snake still wondered if the man were merely suspended, restoring himself - then wasn't this a sign that he would guide them still, being the eyes to direct Kai's hand? Knowing what Sun Fox had created here, it was not false hope to think of her turn as right.
Sun Snake had no one left to feel anger and frustration with except himself, and that was the point. No matter if the peak or the trough was the true state of affairs, both sinmply made him frustrated and angry with himself. For his lack of faith, or his lack of skill in turning thigns around. Directing his rage had made him feel powerful, but in truth he felt powerless. He had not advanced as far nor as quickly as the others, and his words seemed to fall upon deaf ears more often than not.
He felt as if he was sinking in to the earth, and losing himself. Perhaps that was why he disliked the outdoors. The vastness of it made him feel so small, connected as everything was. It was impossible to feel you could make a difference, feeling the vastness of the world.
The emotions were whirling strongly, and felt heavy. He couldn't do anything with them, they were a lead weight he could not push away nor twist to anything useful and strong in this place. He felt them simply drop deep inside himself, down in to some deep pit he had not known existed.
He felt sadness. Terrible, terrible sadness. At the evil around, at his own lack of progeress, at doubting those who made something of themselves despite the sedtback. Of the loss those around had to endure, to the fallen, to the evil. Without a rage to provide an illusion of control, to provide harsh judgement against it, all he could feel was sadness for it.
"I'm sorry," he whispered, though who he was speaking to and why he did not know. All he could feel were tears slowly cascading down his face, twisting down the pommel and blade of his sword in to the pool. He remained sitting there for a long time, slowly allowing each tear to be shed where the flavour and form of them was lost in the wideness of the water.
Sorry for the long post! We'll see where Sun Snake ends up mentally from here on out!