Shawn: In a Hotel Room With Mom
Shawn didn't flinch away. Instead, he allowed Feddler's mind to flow through his, and his mind to flow through Feddler's.
He was past the point of shame or equivocation, at least with Feddler. Though he hadn't developed the self-awareness to see it himself, all of his bad behaviour and evil urges were laid out for the imp to see. The endless sense of vulnerability, the belief that if he didn't please the people he cared about, if he ever gave them an excuse, they would abandon him. Friends, family, parents...it was all conditional. That fear developed into a need for control, to build some sort of stability.
The acting was part of it, at least to begin with. It helped him feel less vulnerable - understanding an audience, learning how to get the reaction he wanted out of them - he could control their responses, make them safe. But that control had turned into a prison, another set of people to please, another way he was vulnerable. Child actors were replaceable, after all, and he knew the moment he became more inconvenient to keep than to replace, he'd be switched out for another kid who could smile on cue.
It was even what had taken him to the Circus. Joining Cherrywinks or the Order...even at the time part of him had thought it wouldn't be that much safer than opposing them. But it gave him a structure, an authority to please. It gave him a clear goal, which made him feel less vulnerable, let him feel like he had a little bit of control of his own destiny.
And now, with all the structures falling apart around him - the Circus, the Order, his acting, even his parents - he was flailing, trying to assert control over what he could, as directly as possible. His plan with the cars, Michael, and Junior, using the Numbers Game, all of it was a symptom of his need to control, to keep himself from feeling so vulnerable...but Shawn couldn't see that. He just had a plan, and a goal, and he was going to do whatever it took...