December, ??, 1890 The Night of the Dinner

We traveled quite the distance from our remote home in Germany to the metropolis of London. The travel itself was uneventful, my sisters going about their own bizarre habits. I had revived special permission to bring Audrie with me while Rasha was invited of her own accord. Our instructions were very clear from Mother that we were to be presentable and remember out manors particularly regarding the Dinner Party we were to attend and meet the others that were chosen to work in the circus.

Rasha traveled differently then Audrie and I, she is such an odd women. We arrived with the majority of other guest and shortly there after beverages were distributed, I grabbed one, it's what everyone else was doing, some substantially more then others, I did not drink much of the liquid, these drinks have always made me fell strange, sometimes my vision grows fuzzy and I find myself to impulsive. I still took the occasional sip, most people did the same.

Shortly in to the evening I found myself being observed by another man from across the room, I felt compelled to try to understand why so I observed him as well, Audrie and Rasha both said I was being “awkward”. Despite their objections I did not yield to the man although he eventually smirked and departed. I later learned his name was Seth.

As my observation ended my eyes found Rasha disobeying are instructions, she was clearly socializing with a man who was far from presentable in my eyes let alone the expectations of our Mother, I chased him off less he harm Rasha’s reputation with the others. We were quickly then after called away for dinner. We took our seats my sisters were all close, coincidence placed me next to Seth, I socialized some, Audrie told me that I should, it was strange to do knowing his eyes were on me.

Eventually I could no longer take it I asked him why he kept looking at me, I wanted to know what he wanted. He responded calling me a “freak” saying that I was ”strange”. I found it impossible to wrap my mind around it made no sense I wanted him to explain more but he smirked again and the dinner came to a close.

I followed him, Audrie stayed behind as the party came to a close. I found him in the garden I started to sneak behind him, I think he let me do it. We conversed some though his words failed to answer why he said what he said to me. When we departed I was only more confused then I was before.

January, 14, 1890 Opening night in London

All the plans were ready, the attractions were built, every meticulous attention to detail was carried out, the gates were closed, the sound of the gathering crowds easily silenced any last minute works with in the tents. Audrie was there to play my assistant and to gather customers for my own tent, a tent featuring the macabre arts.

It was simple in design a small number of watchers, a specially prepared doorway, binds for our special guest. I studied my cover, I was to play out the part of a somber Orpheus the father of the musical arts, I wrote my lines down, at least two dozen times, each time fine toning the small speech to be my epitaph.

Audrie was successful in attracting guest in to our attraction, though she probably had little struggle given the vast crowds that had assembled. The people sat there I made them to wait as I worked my practices before their very eyes, my sprang came to an end and at first I called for volunteers, a man, and a women were to be the first brave souls to cross through my door, they both were quick to see the world beyond this one and received it as expected, my grim façade was a success.

All went well until an upstart man and his female acquaintance began to act in disbelief of what they saw. He challenged my claims, I invited him to see for himself, he dismissed me yet again. He and ha cohort began their exit, not wishing them to not believe me I gifted them so that they might see. Audrie tried to reason with the disruptive man, he proved himself a brute knocking her callously aside. Mother told me I was to protect my sisters, it was then I recognized the man was nothing, empty creation. I knew what had to be done, he needed to be freed from the fold, pulled in to the current of oblivion. I quickly ended the show, I could feel the maelstrom welling in my chest, I followed the man through the crowds, I confronted him, he pulled me to the ground as his hollow shell was being destroyed by my entropic goals.

We were pulled apart by other members of the Circus, I was accosted by everyone, Rasha attempted to assault me, Audrie denounced my actions, the Snake Charmer called me a child, Ada the knife thrower reprimand me some. I did not understand, the man was empty I did nothing wrong, I was so confused that night, Mother told me to protect my sisters yet everyone denounced me, I was lost trying to determine what I did wrong, I did not mean to make everyone mad but I did nothing wrong.

January, ??, 1891 the first Dream

A few days passed, activity in the Circus became as normal as normal could be expected in such a place. I find myself hoping that Mother is pleased with my sisters and I and our success thus far, though it is strange to operate with such vague instructions. I am confused on that matter but I did not wish to let it be all that entertained my mind. Truthfully since this all started I have had one void like thing constantly tugging at my attention, my mind kept turning to the Words Seth and I exchanged, sometimes it would be as if he was telling them to me all over again. I still was lost as the why he said what he said but now what he meant.

I made my way through allege attractions that I could carefully watching them play out, some had people preform unbelievable acts of dexterity and strength, other acts played at wits and manipulating the people who came to see them. I was impressed by some more then others. Eventually I came to the Fire Arts Tent. Surly as I did I saw him there there center of a show of dancing fire, it was something awe inspiring his command of the flame, he had no hesitation to command it. I have seen others in Mothers home and they would appear fearful of the frenzied flame yet Seth commanded the frenzy, directing the dance of flame I saw before eventually departing. I suspect he noticed me there at the very least I recognized his smirk perhaps acknowledging my presence.

Eventually I departed and made my way to my train car, it was a meditative afternoon after time passed and I grew tired, Audrie said she was going to go out for the evening, she seemed to be socializing well. Darkness of sleep quickly fell over me.

The dark that I am so accustomed to joining me in my sleep though was short lived broken by dancing flames and quickly enough I found Seth in my mind a grin on his face. I think I stood there bewildered but he said nothing as I looked at him he began his approach, with each step the flames growing in rabid frenzy until he was upon me assailing me in ways I never knew. The flames encircled us mimicking the ferocity of his assault. I burned as he made contact with me myself long since powerless to resist his intention, but I wanted to burn more he seemed eager to oblige. The flames cackled and groaned in an wiring familiar tone to my own voice in that moment though I did not care, the fires danced around us their chaotic motions like nothing I have ever seen and by their light we burned with one another until the dark came again and the last of the embers died away.

When I awoke the next day I was confused, I still am as I write this. Audrie inquired but I did not know how to explain it, she said I was moving about in my sleep I can not say for certain but I did, even so all I know the more I seem to be here is the more confused I become.

January, ??, 1891 the Next day the Second dream

The day went on with all the expected normality of such a strange and bizarre world such that exist only with in the Circus.  I still have not been able to fully explain to anyone about the dream I had, I still have not been able to understand it. As I turned in after another successful day of work my mind fell back to thinking about what the dream could have meant, I was lost though, it lacked reason, but it did not feel empty.

I turned the lights out of the dimly lit train car Audrie quickly fell asleep, the pace of the Circus at times proving to be a physical strain and our bodies call for rest. I stay up for a time in the dark staring at the ceiling, I was tired but my mind wondered in its own thought, I see things no one else sees, I do not understand why I see the way I do, it seams all I touch is consumed by something or another. I reflect for a moment how I read a book a remember the words and never again delve in to its pages again, the book is empty to me, it can never change, I guess in a way I am like the book I never change, people always look at me like I am the empty person, maybe I am.

My mind runs its circles and eventually my eyes close, I think I eventually fell asleep. I began to shift though my eyes open and the first rays of the sun enter the train car, my eyes are blurry they take so long to get use to the sun, I hide most of my body under the sheet of my bed, I lay still until my morning hiding is broken by a whisper, I do not understand the words but the voice is familiar, it is Seth yet again, but with in my private quarters, my eyes scan the room, perhaps Audrie let him in but she is still fast asleep, the door was never opens yet there he was.

He made his way to me, as he did I could feel radiating heat from him, I became tense as my blood began to boil with every approach. He came to be beside me somehow Audrie remains asleep as I feel the heat coming from him, burning against my skin, I must have cooled him some as he pressed more to me I could feel the dancing fires again the heat all around us yet no flames to behold. I again looked to Audrie who I see only toss slightly but otherwise remain undisturbed.

The heat grew to the temperature of an inferno, my skin burning with but a glance from him, I could not see him but I could feel his eyes affixed upon me, we burned together, eventually passing his only words to me.

“Noah do you want this every night”

He said that but the sensation of the flame was to great for me to conjure any kind of response to his words, I just succumbed to the fire he brought to me. The moment vanished suddenly as again my eyes shot open, everything was a blur, I was near blind.

Audrie awoke me, apparently I slept in, something I never do, she grew concerned when I began to toss and turn in my sleep and making much more noise then normal. I could not bring myself to explain my dream, I did not even know how to, she seemed frightened I am not sure why. I could hardly believe I was in bed for as long as I was, it was near noon when I awoke, it took about an hour for my eyes to adapt, that is when I began writing a letter to him.

“I want to show you I am not a freak, or strange, I can be normal like you. I am not empty”

It was plain and simple enough, I do not even know what compelled me to write it, perhaps I still could not escape his words from our first encounter. I think those are the source of these dreams.

I left my letter with one of the attendants to the Fire Arts tent, I sealed the letter and addressed it to Seth. I could hardly work up the understanding to give such a letter directly to him, this was the next best choice. I am anxious, I am confused, Audrie likely suspects something is wrong with me, what if they are all right, what is something is wrong.

January, 21, 1891 the Storm clouds gather over the hungry tempest

The Dreams
They have not stopped, every time he comes to me and every time I grow more impatient for him to come for me. He talks to me more in each dream he tells me more and more, he uses words like passion and lust, I know these words I know their definition yet the way he says it is beyond what the words scribed in a page can convey. We do things he teaches me things he tells me so embrace it and I can feel the warm panting heat of his body wash over mine again and again. He tells me to come to see him during the day, maybe he got my letter, he told me to come to his tent during the day.

When I awoke from the dream I was in a heated sweat, I regained my composure quickly enough so to hide another dream from any prying eyes. I could not believe what I saw and felt that dream was more real then any others to date. Maybe the words he used at our first encounter was some kind of enchantment.  I wanted to heed his summons immediately but I could not escape the thought that perhaps it was my own mind. Ultimately I chose to confront Seth yet again I would chase his summons, the dream was to real his words to educated to be a simple creation of my mind.

The Night
I entertained those who came to see my spectacle through the night, business had normalized and observed several people from the Circus come to see my act and I saw several acts myself. My first act was with the fortune teller Alexander, are exchange was brief his words were short with me, when asked what my future would hold he proclaimed to me “Truth Seeker” what that means could be any mans guess. I then went to the fire show, I wanted to feel the heat again, I was greeted with the a roaring of dancing fires but I was seeking one flame. I took my position and gazed at Seth as he commanded the symphony of fire. I departed shortly after I knew he saw me.

Revitalized I went on to do my own performances and was visited by several colleagues from the Circus. First to visit me was Noelle from the Fire arts tent, I conversed with her and we came in to conflict quickly she seemed enraged with me because Seth often talked about me. I tried to understand why she was mad yet we were unable to reconcile and she stormed off saying I lack emotion.

My next guest was Celia the illusionist she was kind and sincere I followed to see her show which was a fascinating performance. After this I went to bring Audrie to the Impalment arts she mentions she liked it and it seemed to be a trying night for her. I ultimately found her there I tried to help her and she reprimand me before fleeing.

Everyone seemed to be quick to aggravation with me, I began feeling hollow again. The night came to an end quickly for me there after.

Truth Seeker
During my first performance Rasha was in attendance, she stepped through the door and claimed she saw Audrie on the other side despite me seeing her standing by the entrance. What was odd is Audrie began to cry as I observed her and she did not recall it when I asked later.  More alarming was Rasha claiming that Mother assailed her and was forcibly restrained. At first I did not believe her claim but as I think about it more I grow more nervous that something foul was attempted during my preference. I do not know the truth of what happen I did not see it with my own eyes I will be more vigilant for the sake of my sisters in the future. I need to protect them, I must first find out what transpired that night.

When I awoke the next day I had the above mentioned encounter with Seth and made my way to his tent. He seemed to be expecting me pleased that I actually came in that brief smirk he gave me I knew he knew about my dreams. He was not alone, Noelle was there clearly upset and after a few brief words he showed me something fantastic beyond belief. He snapped his fingers and she became a creature out of mythology, a siren not of the ocean but of a burning volcano. I could hardly believe what Seth showed me and to him it seemed all the more normal.

He laid back care free I was amazed with what I saw. I got on to the center stage with him and I could begin feeling heat that I can not even begin to explain we burned like the inferno this tent was built to house and Noelle burned along with us. The inferno was cacophonous, something glorious like a painting by the masters from the renaissance.

While the fire burned still Seth told me things I could hardly believe had it not been for what Rasha told me about Mother.  He indicated to me that she carried some nefarious intentions. I still struggle to believe it, I will learn what these games being played are I need to know

As I made my exit I could feel like I was pulled in two directions, my Mother calling out to me and Seth and his mesmerizing eyes. I was torn I retreated to my show car and sent Audrie away. I made my way to my bed hiding under the blanket my eyes burning in a way they never have before. I stay there until being called out to make ready for another night.

January, 23, 1891 I Can't Have a Heart

The day started like any other day in the Circus, I awoke just before midday and took my meal, I then went on to wonder the grounds looking for Rasha. I wanted to inquire about rumors of two men fighting about her, I wanted to know if she knew, if they did anything to her. Our conversation went like all of out conversations go lately, she did not know anything, she got so mad with me.

After Rasha and I parted company I resumed my wondering of the grounds, I can't help but feel drawn to the fire tent, I keep hearing Seth’s words in my head, I like the way they make me feel, he calls it happy. This day though was strange, stranger then normal, when I returned to the tend I could see things burning, they were in the shape of insects, butterflies. Most of them that I found were far to burned but I began the process of reading the symbols, no one else seemed to notice, I was used to that though people often do not see the things I see.

These strange dead and burning butterflies had died there recently I learned from my readings more alarmingly they had souls, maybe even human souls, they were also tied to the Ciricus in someway but that was unsurprising. What did alarm me was they seemed to be following my path when I was previously passing by.

I followed the path until I found one still alive, dying but still alive, I kept it alive, I reached across the veil and pulled it in to this world where in it took the form of a young child, it began to scream, my hands were so badly hurt, they will be no good for some time.

Noelle quickly stormed out of the tent she said nothing to me, she grabbed the child, and returned to the tent with the child. Rasha and others then can on the scene I said nothing, Seth was there but I had to keep our secret. Tsukiko tended to my hands I didn't want anyone to see me anymore I didn't want anyone to touch me, I wanted to run to Seth but our secret told me not to. I was so confused what was I supposed to do. Rasha quickly ran away.

I had a vision, I couldn't understand it, Seth was taken away by a mirror I've never seen. The thought ran through my head over and over again, what if it was my fault, my chest hurt so badly, my eyes started to burn up, it was hurting so badly now I started to scram, I didn't want anyone to see me anymore, I am so empty, no one should look at me.

I ran to the train cars, I talked to Audrie and Rasha, they asked me what I saw, I described it to them and they got so mad at me, they looked at me like everyone else, I am empty inside, it is what I am.

Mother’s game is started.

I don't like Mothers game.

I have to play her game.

With her rules.

I have to be empty.

It is the only way I can protect them, is if I give in to what I am.

January, ??, 1891, A Lovely Diamond

My recovery was moving along, slowly, my hands hurt so much, every time my bandages were changed I could feel parts of my self getting pulled off. Audrie attended to me well enough but the pain, the thoughts, worked together and made me miserable company I am sure, she stuck by me despite this, she was sweet to me, my mind though could not get past the shadow of who were the eyes of Mother.

Seth eventually came and after some coercion I was able to send Audrie in to the city for some goods before the Circus made its exit. I felt a pounding in my chest when I saw Seth, I was anxious, I did not know how to tell him I had to stay away in order to keep him safe, it was the only thing on my mind. His mind was on my well being however, he brought an ointment to help my hands heal, he rubbed it in, it stung only for a moment before relaxing the pain.
I told him what I found out about Mothers game, that I had to keep away to keep him safe, my chest grew so tight as I said those words. His answer to me though was fast enough, he quickly enveloped my in his embrace, we exchanged words and made promises to one another, his convinced me to follow my feelings, I could not let go of him, the way I feel, I was never told I could feel this way, what could it all mean.

We talked so much I eagerly listened to his words, knowledge I gained about him seemed more profound then any book I have ever read. I learned more and more about his secret world a land filled with things mankind could only be blind to, I knew everything he said was truthful, I just trusted his words, he spoke of me as if I was some treasure that belonged to him, I did not know it but I longed to hear it from him.

Days passed and the condition of my hands continued to improve, I found myself in his train car, passion claimed us quickly and we moved together, he knew just what drove me mad and I think I can do the same to him. He laid atop me per my request, I think it is what he wanted as well and we talked between the touch of our lips. He gave me a nickname, he called me his diamond of his treasure, I could feel my cheeks tingle as he talked about me in such a way. Then he said something I never heard before, he said to me “I love you”, I did not know what to do, he asked if I knew what it meant, all I could say was the truth, the way I feel with him is beyond words ability to describe. I could barley bring myself to separate from him when the time came, but to keep our secret safe I knew I had to, I can not wait to be by the Dragons side again.

*the pages that follow depict crude drawings and later detailed depictions of what appears to be a pocket watch of ornate design*

January, 23, 1890, A Breaking Heart

I never thought I could fall so far from so high and I am laying on the ground broken like a mirror thrown from a bell tower. I left Seth reluctantly but there remained important work to be done. I asked Audrie to come with me in to town I wanted to pick up some supplies for the gift I want to give to Seth she agreed to come with me, to help me because of these persisting injuries. We milled our way through the streets picking up the supplies I could tell the work was straining Audrie, she has always been so fragile.

We finished our shopping and began our way back to the Circus when I overheard a commotion which Audrie seemed completely unaware of it. A rabid dog appeared I positioned myself between it and Audrie, it did not hesitate though and I saw the beast jump in to twilight and stepped through me and began to attack Audrie viciously.  The dog, the beast was no creature connected to the world of dead but I could tell the body of the dog was just being worn as a skin. It attacked her wounding her terribly I tried cutting it to get its attention when that failed I went after its eyes which did make it switch to me. We had a standoff and it bit my arm not as bad as Audrie though.

Before our conflict with the beast grew more significant the mob came and overpowered the beast. I asked for help no one answered me their efforts were all concentrated on the dog, luckily Alexander was wondering the city streets and he helped with the aid of a local shopkeeper to bring Audrie back to the Circus. I found Ada so that she might help and through great trial it looks like we will be able to save her arm as well as her life.

I cannot help but feel guilty about what happened, I was the one who demanded Audrie be brought to the Circus, I should have been able to keep her safe but I could not do anything. There also the standing question of how free she is of Mothers influence. I will save some money as we travel and try to arrange lodging for her at some point while I get to the truth of what is happening, if she wants to stay safe and possibly free of Mothers control she will say yes, if she resists there is good chance she is under Mothers influence, time will tell.

Rasha and I also had a meaningful conversation regarding the matter, I confronted her on keeping secrets from me, she took that very negatively. I told her she did not have to but there was no way for me to get through to her she wants to keep things away from me and she is growing more resistant every time I try research what's going on in her life.

I fear that in this Circus I have lost my sisters that I was supposed to protect. Audrie may be lost to mothers influence and if not I must get her somewhere safer than here. Rasha keeps pushing me away she no longer desires meaningful interaction, I do not know what caused this divide but I can not cover the expanse of the gulf that exists between us she goes by Saeiqa, my sister Rasha is gone replaced by Saeiqa I must acknowledge this truth. It stings like the sores on my hand losing them like this but I can not defy their choices of my fate of loneliness.

The events of the Circus were canceled due to inclement  weather, there is to be a big party I understand, I would go but I told Saeiqa that I would watch Audrie. I wanted to go and be with Seth, I wanted him to explain what this stinging was but I refuse to abandon my post. It is dark in the room I feel lonely, I feel the empty dark clawing at me pulling me in to it, drowning me in its emptiness.

I hear someone coming …

January, ??, 1891 A lovely Dimond

It has been a few days since I have written in this journal, things have not changed all that dramatically in that time, this Circus has left London and is making its way to some unknowable destination. My new allies have been unusually social of late wishing to make use of my library to further their own talents. It is of not major concern though we did discuss some plans for where to make our next move in the Game however they seem to be limited in what they think they can achieve, Hector was terrible teacher.

I have been busy though over the course of the last few days working from sun up to sun down on a gift for Seth, I have been building an elaborate pocket watch for him, every clockwork gear, spring specially crafted every single component enchanted with a spark of magic to enhance its already specialty design. I chose to use a combination of the highest quality silver I could acquires as well as premium white gold so that there would be a variation in color that only someone with an eye for the closest detail could hope to see.

The clockwork mechanisms were elaborate and more complex then any clockwork machine I have worked on without my teacher. The arms of the clock are simple enough art the real work was in the drama that unfolds outside of time behind the face. For the first twelve hours of the day a model of what I imagine a dragon to looks like paces the long hours of the clock. At noon time a second model steps out the shape of a man as the dragon vanishes behind a small metal surface a second larger man steps out to join the other man, for the second set of twelve hours the two cross the face of the clock eventually parting ways only knowing that in enough time their paths will cross again.

There remains one final part of the pocket watch to make but I will finish it when Seth is awake, in the meantime I knew he was sleeping but I could not bare to wait. I placed the pocket watch in the box that will house it and made my way to Seth’s train car. When I entered surly enough he was sleeping as promised, my presence did not seem to disturb him. I made my way to a small table in his train car and placed the box there with a letter which said.

“So even time can not separate us”

I stood there for a moment watching him as he slept and without even knowing it I took a step towards him, my hand reached out I touched him, gently my hand running through his hair, he did not seem angry with my touch. It was at that time I suspect the hours of endless toil took their keep as I felt exhausted. I crawled in to the bed beside Seth and quickly enough, I pressed up against him my arms struggling to offer him comfort but I tried my best to embrace him the warmth radiating from his body lulling me to sleep beside him. I awoke sometime later to see he had turned and found my self enveloped in his arms. I could hardly complain, why would I, it is somewhere I want to be, when my life can finally know peace. I fell asleep quickly enough the muscles in my face tense but I think in the best of ways.

February, ??, 1890 New Dawn

We arrived in Barcelona, Spain it would appear that this will be where we are to stay for sometime now. My new attraction has been constructed, I am surprised they were able to meet my request. This place though is not something I like, it is like I am in prison here but with no walls. The sun hanging in the sky above is my jailer and its gaze blinks only at night. The slightest exposure to its hateful stare burns my skin and makes my vision blurry. I am stuck in my train car unless I chose to step through the agony of burning without flame. I have never had this condition act so harshly as here in Spain, I will have to ensure no one capitalizes on this weakness.

The first day was lonely, trapped in my cell, the only ones who ever came to see me wanted something from me, my knowledge, my books, none of them cared that I could not escape my dungeon. It was ok though, it gave me time to plan what to do to make Audrie better.

When night finally came the circus grew full with visitors. I knew that it would be the talk of the town so the streets of the city would be more vacant then normal. I knew the people of Spain were prone to zealous superstition so I borrowed some supplies from around the Circus, the new face painters provided me with makeup to masque my appearance, I borrowed the costume of a Priest and simply inverted a cross. I made sure to execute all of my shows at the opening of the night so to make sure I had plenty of time to do what needed doing. After  finishing my performances I took some time to make my fiendish disguise complete, the makeup should have been sufficiently distracting to obfuscate my other features.

Under cover of darkness I made my way in to the city calling upon Supernal darkness when necessary. I needed to find the right kind of person, someone who had carved out their own soul, someone hollow, I theorize, that their soul would only have its most basic building blocks to support their miserable existence and would be perfect for replenishing the damaged portion of Audries soul.

I wandered through the ghetto the homeless dregs seemed to suffer from mysticism and terror, the effect worked, I observed through a window some bizarre activity going on where a large gathering of individuals was tormenting a rather large canine. They had it locked in a series of cages and impaled its limbs with spikes. Three men poked and prodded it with hooks and other sharpened equipment. I then observed several creatures of larger canine stature in Twilight, my mind Instantly put together what had happened these men killed these creatures who were thirsty for their own justice. I offered them a chance letting them step through Twilight in to our world for a time, they cut their way through the crowds rending the bloodthirsty crowd to pieces.

One of the men assaulting the canine was left alive, he would be perfect, he clearly meet all of my criteria for the transfer. After I captured him I observed that the canine in the cage only to see a young girl there. My mind snapped when I saw her, I grew filled with rage, maybe this is what they called hate. My mind was flush with ideas Seth told me about rescuing people from their horrible situation, it is like I steeped out of my body I watched my hands raise as commanded the bars of the iron cages to artfully bring together those people who had just watched, I wanted whoever came upon this horror to know how empty these people really were, I wanted them to be a message.

I carried the girl and the caucus of the man again through darkness I was able to sneak back to the train car, I laid the girl to rest, the man was put in the trunk for storage. I set of to find Ada she might be able to help the young girl better than I. I brought her back to my train car she was clearly upset with me but helped the poor girl regardless, we pulled silver from her wounds and she seemed to stabilize thereafter.

 I fetched Saeiqa but she lost all her composure and reacted in honor at the sight of the girls injuries similarly my compatriots were shown the girl. From the nature of the wounds and he rapid regeneration I began to suspect that this girl must be a werewolf though I kept my theory to myself until the others uncovered the truth.

Alexander, Saeiqa, and myself attended to Audries healing, I tore free the foundation of this hollow mans soul and carefully restored Audrie stitching what was missing back to her. The looks on Saeiqa face told me what I was doing was wrong, but it needed to be done. I had to make Audrie better.
Afterwards my allies grew intrigued with the story of the girl. We discovered her name to be Sabella and that her former Pack was still watching over her. While matters of the soul are my expertise these creatures nature made it impractical to speak on how to address the issue. They interrogated the man who reveled himself only to be a servant of some greater cause, a hunter of some verity. Beyond that he was of little use and the Doctor set him to his doom, it remains my responsibility to deal with the body likewise I ensnared his soul, it is damaged but could be useful for later use.

When everyone left the room was so silent, completely still I sat in the middle of the train car, the girl resting in my bed and I did not wish to disturb Audries area. I began to reflect and looked to my hands, they were drenched in blood, it was not there but I could see it. I was a monster, but that was not me it had to have been another me. Now I know why everyone looks at me that way, they see the blood, they see the monster. I belong in this prison.

I feel alone.

I want Seth to come save me.

What is coming from my eyes.

February, ??, 1890 Many Paths Along the Road

Things can change in the blink of an instant, my missions have made progress on almost all fronts. I convinced my fellow compatriots that we should look in to the situation with the hunters, greed is such an easy motivator for these two their lust for shards of shiny metal is despicable given how close they are to the truth of the world. We traveled to the location where the hunters were supposed to be just to stumble upon them at the time of their own deaths, werewolves which had taken up residence in the Circus ended them quickly enough. They did not care for our meddling and evidently they have rivals within the city we elected not to become to involved at their insistence we returned home. The other two scattered there after to count their riches.

Later in the day I found them playing with flowers preparing for the nights activities. I asked them to help me find Jasper though I was gloriously vague it was my only chance. Alexander worked a spell, I knew only he could, he traveled for over an hour I waited in eager anticipation for any news the slightest sign one way or another. When he returned he told me that he did in face encounter Jasper in the cities Main Street. In that moment I was completely dumb struck, awe over took for a moment that most of Alexander's words were not but a garbled mess. I was on the verge of demanding he bring me to him immediately but the sun faded so quickly. My mind raced with thoughts of him, he walked away from Seth, it was daunting how could this relatively mortal soul work up the courage to reject the dragon and even so I can not fathom why, his must be a unique soul which I desperately wish to meet, to learn from. Even now as I write this my hand shakes from a sense of wonder and perhaps even fear.

I want to meet him.

Beyond that my so called accomplices returned to their less then interesting activities, at times they seem to be more like sentient magical tools rather than Awakened souls, particularly Alexander. Regardless they have me what I wanted so the tools worked.

Saeiqa has grown to be interesting, I thought she would be Mothers slave but she has been asking questions about our unnatural Mother. I feel she is unready for the truth as I have discovered but I will be watchful of her progress following that road. A potential suitor approached me for permission to court her, I applaud his forthrightness and arranged for the two of them to go out for lunch. I will ask Seth if he wants to accompany me as I survey their experience I will keep my eye on his intentions.

It would be notability inconvenient if Jasper were to appear during this but I would hardly squander the opportunity.

I received a gift from Seth, a mark on my shoulder. The experience, the pain, was beyond anything I have ever felt in this world. I remember having my back up against the wall at some point and it was almost as if I was feeling through it, feeling Seth, he was in pain to I reached out to touch him, to comfort him, to comfort my self, I could feel him. I can not say if it was the magic of the Infernal Mirror, my own Awakened soul interacting with the magic of Seths realm or just pain induced hallucinations regardless now I have his mark, part of him is now part of me, beyond my body and in to my soul.

I will find that missing part of Seth, just like he made me while I will make him whole. I need to meet him, I have to find him.

February, 21, 1890 A Wonderfully Terrifying World

Hello my long lost friend, do not worry I have not forgotten you, things have been very busy for me as the ebb and flow of my life seems to direct me ever onwards. So much has happened since my last correspondence that I struggle to recall it all just for you to hear of it. Do not worry though I have not forgotten you my little journal I will tell you everything I can do not feel neglected.

The Game has moved forward and it has become clear that is will be a twisted and winding road to whatever the end of it will be, I have no choice but to walk the path of this game, once started there is no chance to escape. Our delinquent foes have constructed some arcane trap where they intend to sacrifice Zoya, a innocent girl like me in all of this. We have yet to unravel the elaborate matrix of the spell yet we now what it will do, they are willing to kill in the name of achieving victory. Luckily the spell revealed some of their allies as well as who some of them are, at first I suspected Zoya of being a foe yet she was cleared by being made a sacrificial pawn, a mysterious man, Bianca, Tasha, and one other who remains a mystery are counted among our foes.

My first instinct was to lash out at them break them where I could, but the more I thought about the more I questioned my own decision. Just as I ultimately want freedom from this Game perhaps they might as well. Yet while I suffered internal conflict another issue boiled over with Rasha who opposed every option I put forward. We had a large fight, she words, the felt like knives to me, except crawling from inside me, ripping their way through my body except as if it were my very soul, I felt so alone, so dark, empty inside in that moment the whole world around broke apart like it was glass, I could barely tolerate my own existence. Sabella was the first to find me in so broken a state, she is a kind girl and she means well but I couldn't bare the pounding inside me pulling me in to a cold blackness. Eventually Seth found me …

I'm sorry little journal I'm easily distracted at times I will save that for the end because it really is the best part. Let me tell you about what I know about my opponents and our little game. Most frighteningly, the Mysterious Man, he commands power at a level equal to if not exceeding my own he also is crafty and dangerously clever. He conjured an entity which I later learned to be a rival of Mothers to feed off of Zoya’s suffering, I confronted the creature and by the narrowest luck banished it away, it did little to improve Zoya’s condition but every little bit helps.

Bianca is similarly dangerous a for I suspect though my knowledge of her power is immensely limited she has perhaps the strongest motivation for achieving quick victory. She has a child, held captive by the Mysterious Man which gives him leverage over her, I confronted her, threatened her, she is willing to risk her life yet I think she still has mixed feelings about making an attempt on our lives but it is only a matter of time I suspect until circumstance drives us towards an inevitable conflict.

We also identified Tasha as a rival though she is similarly inexperienced and perhaps naïve as Rasha is the fact remains I know little of her potential and that makes her dangerous. I do not know what her motivations are though we have identified unsurprisingly she opposed what was done to Zoya. Their team appears to have similar inner conflict to us, perhaps in there we can find leverage or even a compromise where we all may make it through this.

The point remains though that death looms upon the horizon the Specter I summoned told us that much, they know who we are and we know who they are the Game remains at this point in a state of balance where any action could turn the tide in unexpected and disastrous ways. I see now just how dangerous the world is, just how eager oblivion is to snatch and glimmer of happiness there might be, yet somehow, miraculously hope endures, and with some effort maybe can even succeed.

Moving beyond the Game my  journal as you know me and Seth, have grown close to one another and I, I want to escape this horrible Game, to be by his side, so he need not worry, so we can see all the little miracles of the world.

But I digress to my own hopes yet what happened was something more magical then any spell I have seen or studied. One way or another he sensed my despair after my encounter with Rasha, he came for me, even in the darkness he found me. I was transported to his castle within the Infernal Mirror and within the throne room it was he that renews me, filled the cracks within my soul through his merciful compassion, cured me of the wounds opened up upon me by the hatful world and even after all that the greatest of his magic was still to come for he said to me “I love you” and without hesitation I said it as well. He went on to ask me if I would be his, but more then that he looked at me like an equal. He told me to think about it but my mind and heart were in complete agreement I would be his and I would do anything to prove to him over and over again that he was loved.

He asked me to marry him.

I said yes.

The world is wonderfully terrifying and I love it all

Now I have a reason.

That I could never loose.

February, 23, 1890 A Worthy Thing

It never ceases to amaze me just how much can happen in just a matter of days in has been insightful to say the least. The Game, I have realized is a dreaded specter that is hanging over the heads of not just we pieces but everyone in this Circus, it touches everyone with tragedy to the disposable entertainment of individuals like my Mother. I think or well I hope I have also made some friends in these last few days, I used to feel so lonely but now, it is like it vanished, I owe Seth everything in the world, he gave this life value, he taught me it is worth something.

Nevertheless the Game remains looming just beyond the horizon, Zoya probably the most direct and unfortunate victim so far was cursed by complex magic I suspect to lure me and my partners out, now that she has done this she is a liability to our rivals and I think they intend to kill her now masquerading her death behind a sickness that ran rampant through both the town and the Night Circus. I learned the Ulric the Brewmaster is a vampire, in trying to uncover more about this mystery I uncovered a good deal of information about him, he had a lover who he lost to a previous incarnation of this game nearly a century ago, I attempted to use that information as leverage to get him to tell me who was behind the sickness but he refused to backdown. Eventually though he relented accepting my offer to help him on the condition I remain ignorant to their interactions, I agreed although shortly there after followed him and his fellow vampires traveling in to the city, it was easy enough from there to determine who was the culprit when I confronted Ulric, he questioned if I would still assist him, I will, with everything in my power, I will lift the agony from all the people that I can, just like Seth did for me, I will help whoever I can find value.

Guy was the vampire responsible for the spreading sickness in the Circus, I suspect he knew little of the intentions and was paid an exorbitant amount of money for the deed. I confronted him in a crowded club where I tracked him and the other Vampires to, it was an ideal location to keep out conversation civil. I chased off his chosen meal and presented my case to him he seemed unfazed by my threats, given my limited knowledge of his abilities confrontation was far from ideal so I sought to make a pact with him. I demanded he end his plague, do everything in his power to expedite the recovery of Zoya, and not spread his sickness among the Circus, he demanded in return that I repay him for his lost meal, and that I offer him my blood in place of those at the Circus. I accepted, it seemed like a fair trade, it would make Rasha happy to know her friend would be well and hopefully saved Zoya from  what I believe to be my rivals intentions for her.

Guy and myself made our way back to the Circus grounds and made our way in to the quarantine and he held up what I could only believe to be his side of the pact, we hastily made our exit less someone notice us. He then lead me away from the Circus and to a isolated dark alley way and in that darkness he escaped my sight. If I was concerned it did not persist for long as he had me up against the wall within a few moments in the darkness. I could feel his eyes looking in to me and then a single moment of pain followed by a feeling I do not know how to convey in words, I felt his fangs in my throat and my whole body grew electrified and paralyzed at the same time, the feeling was like nothing else I had felt. I assumed he would leave me there but he remained, we made our way to a bench just outside of the alleyway and had quite the extensive conversation about what it meant to be and what the weight of our choices felt like. He returned me to my train car laying me there to my comfort and made his exit soon enough.

When some of my strength returned to me the next day I made my way to the Fire Tent where Seth was working on his platform, I watched for some time his frustration with the machine quite clear it was quite amusing to watch I may have grew lost in my observation Noelle not gathered my attention. We talked about quite a few subjects, I lamented that I had not given her as much of my consideration as I might like, I enjoy talking with her she is quite polite. I told her of my plan to reunite Seth with Jasper and revealed to her that I knew he was in the city. She seems opposed to my intentions but offered her support and advised making their meeting something in more neutral territory, I accepted her offer and now need only to form the plan. She also told me that she has keen interest in Dante who has developed quite the romance for Rasha. I did not tell her to let go of her feelings though she did appear crestfallen, she told me of gifts she gave him strangely lining up with gifts he gave Rasha, I will delve in to this at a later point.

Our conversation came to an abrupt end when Seth approached us she made her exit. I was pleased to see him, he was clearly frustrated and I could not help but smile with the look on his face. I offered to help but I think his pride demanded he declined and offered that we go out for the afternoon. We enjoyed each other's company over lunch before walking for some time eventually finding where we went on our first outing. The isolated spot it did not take long for us to fall upon one another indulging in our delights as we do. We lid there for a time and talked I told him everything which transpired and of my pact with Guy, Seth was understandably upset but he understood.

After I returned to the Circus I could feel the sickness beginning to take hold wishing to change cloths after Seth and I enjoyed one another I began changing until Rasha burst in to my room, I was surprised and she lingered for a moment and when she realized I was exposed completely swiftly flew away. I don't understand why she ran I did not think I did anything to scare her. She told me she would com back in when I was dressed and I obliged her. She had discovered something of Mothers lingering among out belongings. We were not able to determine why her feathers were among our things it was clearly a point of concern for Audrie and Rasha, even I had pause for concern. A great deal remains unknown but time will reveal its secrets to us.

Audrie also told us of a man who has caught her eye from the water tent by the name of Vincente. She has been making friends with those among the water tent volunteering to help them before the Circus opens. She is hesitant to approach him however perhaps embased by her feelings, I want to help her but I could tell the way her and Rasha looked at me when I offered to help that I would be obtrusive. I hope Audrie can find the courage to find what makes her happy.

By this point, I can safely say I am feeling the effects of Guy’s sickness running through my body. It is not all that severe my body is slightly sore and I have a slight fever. Seth is here as I write this, he just finished making me some tea and is in the midst of preparing some soup. He is insisting I stay in bed, I protested but he insisted. I feel bad that he is concerned for me but it is nice knowing I am cared for this much.

If you ever see this Seth thank you and I love you.

February, 26, 1890 A Full Life

We will be leaving Barcelona soon a city which has frankly given me so much that it will always hold a special place in my heart for what it gave me. I found love, friends, and a cause worth dedicating myself to here. In London I questioned myself but here I found myself and have a vision for the kind of person I want to be. I am Awakened and I can not go back to the ignorance that exist  for so many others but with what I know I can help people, help them find what they want and fight back against creatures like my Mother.

The Game has stalled for now I think we found an understanding at least for now with our rivals. No one wants to do this, because of things greater than any of us individually we are bound to this game, there must be a way to shatter these shackles but only time will tell. I have learned secrets from our rivals that I will not write here, I will keep their secrets safe in the confines of my mind.

Something happened, something attempted to destroy the creature hiding in the center of the Circus. We stopped her though we learned very little about what she was doing or why. Her body discorporated leaving an Amulet similarity the one Audrie has, Rasha took possession of it, herself having grown some fixation on a place which I can only assume to be a place from the Time Before. It is a Mystery that has a hold over her, it is dangerous but at least helping her find focus this might be good for her but only time can tell.

I finally did it, I meet Jasper in person we talked, I told him everything there was for me to tell him. He listened to me and as I spoke I felt like my heart was going to explode, I was beside myself in unease but thanks to Noelle I was able to keep myself from losing myself to much. I will not lie at first I think he did not hold me in high regard understandably so but I think he will come to accept me in time. I did convince him to join us in the Circus, to help protect Seth, for a chance to again be by his side. He showed exactly his true self and it was nothing short of magnificent, he has the aura of a triumphant Archangel a true marvel.

I told Seth what I did after all was said and done, he is angry with me but he will not say it. I explained why I did what I did and learned something surprising. He was lost when Jasper expressed his affection, I remember that feeling. I think, I almost understand, but all in due time  Seth is angry with me I hope it is not more then he can bare. I will wait and see if he still wants me to move my belongings. It might be dangerous to say but my life is finally worth something.