Anxiety, it just is, and imagine it on a scale from 1 to 10 and the first thing you discover is there is no zero.  This is not unusual in that, one view is that the gap between the current real me and the potential or idea me, creates some existential anxiety (the source of motivation), so that is not a bad thing at all. Social media and comparison to others has made this even worse and made people hopeless that they can ever reach any better place....

Most people try to control anxiety and they quickly find out that does not work at all, perhaps partially due to the physical system increasingly being activated and the baseline ticking up and up through out life, and never resetting...

The idea of manage produces more questions than answers....
A good strategy is two parts "monitor and influence"...

So this is the typical scenario.
Some event happens, and then a bump of anxiety, then a negative thought.  Then the anxiety and negative thoughts get into a vicious cycle, and like a snowball that rolls downhill until it becomes an avalanche, then you end up buried and suffocating under not just the anxiety and thoughts, but also under an emotion like anger, sadness, etc.
Does that sound familiar?

So monitoring is noting that first bump of anxiety.

Influencing is about creating something other than the avalanche of negative thoughts.
The negative thoughts have a deeper source, but we can tackle that later on, for now just know.  The influencer and problem we want to start with is the simpliest case, that is an ambiguous situation.  Or what Forest Gump said "life is like a box of chocolates...you never know what you are going to get."

Who is the influencer?  I like the notion of the "head coach" who has one job, that is to give me a "pep talk".  The idea is that the same "pep talk" works for all the ambiguous situations, and will fill the space that would have been the avalanche.

So if we try a sample situation, the first one is getting a text from your significant other.
Text: "We need to talk."
Does this cause an avalanche?  Could it? What if it is an e-mail from your boss?

So what does the "pep talk" sound like?
Something like...."I would prefer to know what is happening and what is going on, and whether or not it is something to be concerned about, but at the moment I have no way of knowing and there is no reason to try and figure out what this is, or to jump to a conclusion, to start the avalanche or to jump off the cliff.  I need to sit on the bench, drink water, and put my head between my legs... I wish people would send more information in their text or email, so I can know."

I generally say it is best to come up with your own version of a pep talk, and to write it, revise it, and memorize it.  The effort involved is about the same amount as learning to answer a single interview question.

Example number 2.  It is the Snicker's Brownie Commercial (I recommend watching it!)
A lady is sitting on the couch, her legs folded under her, a blanket on her lap, she is sipping hot tea and looking out the window.

Her husband comes in, and upon seeing her deep in thought..asks her, "What's wrong?"

She looks right at him and says, "nothing."
You see his face and the anxiety goes up!

Cut to the tag-line "we have hidden a comforting brownie inside a snickers."

So the answer to anxiety and ambiguous situations is to eat junk food?  Might as well be a beer commercial, we have hidden comforting alcohol inside this beer.......

So what are the man's options in this situation?

I came up with 4 that were just for fun...
1. Shake her and demand she "tell me now" (aka pick a fight with her)?
2. Handcuff her to a tiny table inside an interrogation room?
3. Hook her up to a lie detector?
4. Inject her with truth serum?

What if he has an avalanche?  Oh this is bad, because if she decides to talk to him, he is already struggling in his own crap and will not "be there for her", and is "not strong enough to hold her down"...
I say this is unfair, but it is what I call the lifeguard metaphor, because if both people drown in emotion, they both go down.

So I concluded that he only has one real option.
To be ok without knowing...."OK with IDK"

The avalanche requires 3 assumptions.
1. Nothing is something
2. The something is about him
3. The thing about him is negative

So in stopping the avalanche, you have to start the pep talk as soon as your anxiety bumps up.  This is like if I gave you a snow shovel and told you a 100 metric ton avalanche was going to hit the town, would you wait there, or perhaps half way up the mountain, try to stop it when it is only 50 tons, or would you stop it at the top when it is "possible"?

Do you think this is something you can do?


The last example is from  real life....
Years ago I worked at a non-profit, and our executive director (ED) sent out an email to everyone at 10:45 am and the email said, "come to my office."
I of course went to the bathroom, washed my hands and got a fresh cup of coffee.  As I rounded the hallway, I found that at the door to the ED's office everyone was in line.
We could see the ED and AA (administrative assistant, through the window and they were talking, there was nothing on the desk between them.
Standing right in front of me was a co-worker and he was sweating bullets, so I asked him, "What's happening J, did you just get back from a run, have you been embezzeling money from the agency?"....he responded the concern of what he thought it might be, he and everyone else where suffucating under their own avalanche in this ambiguous situation.....
About that time the AA came out and sat at her desk, right in front of the window and the ED came out and seeing everyone announced, "Great you are all here, go ahead and tell (AA) what you want from Chick-fil-a, I am buying lunch today."

There was then a collective sigh of relief, as everyone was able to breath knowing it was "nothing"....

It is better by far to never be under the avalanche in the first place.  It is like being tortured by your own brain, I in fact call it being water-boarded by your own brain....I thought everyone was against torture, yet they do it to themselves with incredible frequency.

How does this sound to you?
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Expanding your head coach into new "pep talks"
This is very dependent upon you as an individual in terms of something that is of use to making things better, for the best return on investment (ROI).

If I have some beliefs already, feeling incompetent, incapabile...

"I have the ability to create support for myself in my life"



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I had an old aikido instructor (late 80's) who used to talk about tension, and noticing being aware of tension as it rises, and that too many people do what he called "beep living" that is to say that we are endlessly bleeped and beeped at and even like awakening to an alarm clock seems like  a bad idea.
I used to notice that when I worked in an office, I had a three sip rule for my coffee even if the phone rang.  Like the ring and its demand for my immediate attention was not going to happen. It was about awareness in my body was primary and making it to where the demand did not impact the system.

It was funny because sometime the receptionist would come back to my office see me there, and say she sent me a call....I would just smile sip my coffee and tell her you just have to let it ring that 4th time....eventually she did...funny thing was her walking back there to see gave her a release from the tension of what she was doing......

So if the anxiety rises from the hara, you raise (lose) your balance, or the tension in the muscles (neck/shoulders) clamps down makes it impossible to do aikido (your art).

I believe that the idea of "beep  living" is a concept properly attributed to Gaku Homma, Nippon Kan founder.  This idea is copywritten in his book from 1990 (surprisingly before the rise of most technology) in his book, "Aikido for Life"
Which is a written version of his teachings from his introductory aikido class at the center that he founded.

For historical context this was before texting and driving was even really a thing, instead it is believed that several young people died in automobile accidents due  to the tamagotchi (keychain pets) that were designed to demand attention....they still exist today 25th anniversary editions!  Did people die or have accidents due to the demand for attention (anectdotaly yes).....

Another bad idea, awakened with the startle response of an alarm clock?

In more counseling terms it is perhaps a difference between say the common symptom "hypervigilance" and a different idea called relaxed vigilance, it is noticing things that the system may be interpreting as threats, noticing those with awareness and not allowing the system to go the way it might tend to.

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The lifeguard metaphor:
In some circumstances or relationships we may find ourselves in an unfair or difficult situation, and it may be caused by social or other expectations; but the idea is straight forward.
If one person is "drowning" emotionally (overwhelmed) the other person is expected to not be overwhelmed or to be taken down by the emotional termoil of the other person.
Maybe even to express no need/vulnerability of their own, and to respond "perfectly" or flawlessly to the emotional state of the other person.

The risk of both people being or becoming overwhelmed is very real, as real as the risk of a panic stricken swimmer drowning both themselves and the would be rescuer...

I often say there can be levels to this that I have taken on voluntarily (a responsibility I have assumed).

Level one is walking by a pool seeing a small child struggling near the edge of the pool, and simply grabbing them and taking the second to lift them out of the pool entirely.

Level two is seeing someone a good distance out in the ocean, and considering your own life readiness to engage in the rescue.  Good fitness, strong swimmer and actually trained as a lifeguard would help.....

Level three is that movie called "The Guardian" depicting coast guard rescue divers, so you might be asked to put on a wet suit, jump out of a helicopter, into the stormy sea, at night.....Obviously no one should take this on as a 24/7/365 obligation for a person even if they seem to "need it"

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The problem of the Physical system and the need for a reset of the baseline.
As we go through life, our physical stress response continues to tick up and up and up and up, with no real end in sight, and no actual reset happening.

Most people I talk to I ask them about their last reset and it is that first day of summer between their junior and senior year of high school.  What was that feeling what did it entail, did it give the body a break from the mind and allow for a reset of the baseline?  Usually people recall this feeling, the one where they had no pressures, no demands, and that any and all future demands were so far away that the reset happened (most of us knew our mom would feed us at some point as well).

This is common to talk about in trauma the horse and rider metaphor, with the rider being the brain, and the horse being the physical being of the person......
No matter what the brain thinks the body still has hypervigilance, startle response, anxiety and all of that.  This includes the adrenal/cortisol of the endocrine system, the heart rate variability, and the amygdala of the brainstem, it all needs a reset to that old or better baseline!

One way of people getting the break from their mind for the body has been to seek something that is mind altering, so they used to hit the sweat lodge and smoke peyote, or journey to Peru for Ayahuasca, and even know the FDA is ok with ketamine, but without these extremes is their another option.  My answer is yes, it is a physical reset day.  It takes at least 3 days for people to do it, and even then it might involve some trial and error to get it right.  A mind body break is not an easy thing to get.  So here are the three days and what you are going for.  Day 1 is the permission day, it is about doing any and everything that will intrude into the reset day from the mountain of things called "Should have done".  The permission day seeks to remove all of that which might intrude.  The reset day is the goal, and that is to have no intrusion into your body caused by your brain....
The 3rd day is the day of "rest" the reason is the other mountain with loose rocks that can fall on you out of your head are all the things "I need to do tomorrow" in this case there is nothing you need to do tomorrow.

The reset day has no worries about food or what you are going to eat, the permission day takes care of all those details for day 2 and day 3.

I think of it with veterans like the sight picture of an M-16 the two sides are held at bay and the front sight post is on the target of resetting, so ideas for reset days will look very different for different people.  One person might be in a bath robe, slippers watching Harry Potter, and another person might be in a fully stocked cabin in the woods....that is part of the trial and error, and why the first attempt does not always work.....

Other countries get the resets by accident rather than design, if you were able to go on holiday for a month every year, and were protected by law in your job, and did not have to fight to get unemployment, you just might reset without this plan....
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Rituals
Some people like to do the apps that go into meditation, and those are fine, but you can also do things that I often call rituals to start or end the day, a ritual is not the most efficient way to do something, but it allows for the rote physical to be done and frees the mind. One example is the easiest way to warm your house might be to push a button, but the activity of building a fire, gives an purposeful activity with a goal and outcome, that you can not feel rushed in, another example is french pressing coffee instead of a drive-thru window or machined pod......I am sure there are such things you might consider adding to your day.....

Boredom/controlling options

I like to think about it like in high school we had a thing called "Study Hall" and you had limited options in study hall, you could work, you could sleep or you could be bored. In those days boredom was a tool that helped me organize to start a thing or a call to take action/adventure. Now boredom is a "trigger" to "consume" eat/watch in a passive observer..attempting to trigger the dopamine system...instead of being an active participant in your own life.

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Anxiety for future events....
This has a bit more complexity and most people alternate between two main ways of functioning, the idea is that my anxiety is tied to my thoughts and my thoughts set my expectations. So basically it is one of these two.
In order for my anxiety to be set low, I will think (+) thoughts, but inadvertently set my expectations to the point where when the first bit of frustration occurs, I "cannot stand it" and someone has to be "damned for it"....

In the second case, I am thinking all (-) thoughts, and having low expectations, but at the same time setting my anxiety to "dread" mode, for the entire time before and during the coming event.  I often refer to "dread pirates" as an unlikely thing to dread in most people's day to day lives.  (Jack Handy Fuzzy memories, fun take on pirates)

I refer to the first case as the "bridezilla".  Where they keep the anxiety in check by demanding everything be perfect, but when one little thing does not, they lose their minds....

I often use the example of a holiday gathering for the second case, where my thoughts are all negative, "bobbing for fruitcakes, fights, drunk, and my creepy uncle will want me to sit on his lap..." obviously I will dread this event months in advance!


The problem with the thoughts in both cases is the same, they are absolutes.  They need to be replaced with preferences.....

The simpliest case (and one that is still around in a great number of people) is the one from our first day of school, when your mom tells you, "You are smart, and kind, and a good kid, and you are going to be ok, and everyone will like you."

It is that last part, that "Everyone should/must/has to like me" that one is the problem.  It is an absolute and a demand upon other people.
So here is how it goes, you are hyper-focused on being able to tell is it seems like someone likes you and if they do not seem to you go one of two ways, the first one is try to make them like you (people please) the second option is "sour grapes" to go ahead and not like them back. It places a lot of pressure on first impressions and on the initial meeting.

So the plan is to turn this into a preference instead of an absolute..
"I would prefer that everyone like me (right away), but if they do not like me now, perhaps in the future they will."

Does this sound like something you can do?
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Brain predictor goes off the rails

Lets say I have an old e-mail account and I lost the password, so I start to think something like I hope no one is using my old email for fraud or scams, because I might get in trouble for what happens. So stacking up the if/thens pretty soon I will be sure that I will be wrongly convicted for whatever crime is perpetrated with my old e-mail......even though in reality they can tell I have not logged into it for a long time and what IP is logging into it....even though in reality my old email is not even one a hacker would want (they want a .gov or .edu e-mail)...how much would you say a normal person worries about their old hotmail address?

It is imagination and that is part of what the brain likes to do is predict the future in a sense, and to help me not make the same mistake again, like if I fall into a hole, then I am going to hopefully not fall into the same hole again. But sometimes that helpful function goes too far afield and gets "out of hand"..... Like here is another fun example. Say I start to wonder if i got enough high school credits, so I if then, that without HS diploma, then my degree is no good, or my masters is no good, and now I need to check my high school transcript from 30 years ago..

Quick reality test on the HS diploma idea, because you do not have to have a HS diploma to get into college, you could have a GED, and even if there were an error on HS diploma, I would still have my degree, because one does not effect the other at all....


Another way anxiety becomes if/then stacking is due to watching the clock, it is like the watch in the movie Polar Express, where it is just ticking closer and closer to the "still might be late", so the anxious person will stack up the if/thens to the point of ruining the whole day.
For example:
If the kids miss the bus/ then someone will have to take them
If someone takes them / then will get a late start on work
If start work late/ then will miss lunch
If miss lunch  / then will be tired
If tired / then will miss my workout
If I miss workout / then.......the day is ruined.

So I externalize the blame to the kids, if you would have been at the bus stop on time, all this could have been prevented.
In other words it is your fault I am angry/yelling/demanding you be at the bus stop at 8:59, rather than me having to yell at you at 9 am.
You kids are the cause of all this (not my anxiety and if/then stacking) because you could have prevented it (I am not at all responsible).

This is the whole point of the story of Chicken Little, a small thing happens and chicken little concludes that the entire sky is falling and only Chicken little and friends can stop it/help and warn everyone.....
My favorite version of this story was on an episode of The Golden Girls...

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Panic attacks

The closest physiological response to a panic attack that happens in day to day life is that of a near miss automobile accident, in which all those nasty things happen but very soon after having no impact the system shuts down almost as rapidly as it started.  This is because you know that the accident did not happen.

The higher brain, send the all clear signal to the lizard brain telling it to shut down.  In a panic attack there is no reason, and you cannot send the all clear signal telling the lizard brain to shut down.

But you actually can, if you imagine a surprise party scenario and visualize it, and tell yourself that is what just happened, then the all clear will be sent to the lizard brain and it will shut down the alarms.

How does that sound?
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Depression
"The perpetual  hesitation of the neurotic to launch out into life is readily explained by his desire to stand aside so as not to get involved in the dangerous struggle for existence.  But anyone who refuses to experience life must stifle his desire to live-in other words he must commit partial suicide."
--Carl Jung
"Depression is like a woman in black. If she turns up, don't shoo her away. Invite her in, offer her a seat, treat her like a guest and listen to what she wants to say."

Allan Watts
"Like putting white paint on dirt."

Causes of Depression?
Thyroid dysfunction?
Insomnia?
Chronic fatigue?
-Viruses already in the system?
Stress? (anxiety/worry)
Nutritional Deficiency?
-D?  B12? B1? Magnesuim  Omega-3DHA?
Exercise (lack of)


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What causes Issues?
If you are asking what causes most problems or issues, there are many many many causes.  For example a lot of physical medical issues can appear as a counseling issue (hypothyroid often appears as depression); so that is why I typically tell people to seek a medical evaluation/ testing/ etc...Anger? could be an inflammatory or systemic condition....
For example the YouTube channel Functional Forum has a video "The Misdiagnosis Machine: How thyroid problems mimic the symptoms of mental illness"

Genetics and bad nutrition can also cause issues, and should be considered..
one recent example:  Insider November 11,2022: "A woman who could barely walk after years of feeling extremely tired was diagnosed with vitamin B12 deficiency"....

A woman with lupus an autoimmune disease spent 20 years diagnosed with catatonic schizophrenia...."A catatonic woman awakened after 20 years. Her story may change psychiatry"  The Washington Post June 1, 2023 By Richard Sima.

Another problem can be related to just not sleeping enough, or needing a cpap or suffering acid reflux.....

The inner critic can be a problem (superego); negative core beliefs (the dragon); life adverse events (or lack thereof due to over protection); Fears
I typically say (FOGs: fear obligation, guilt shame) and fears of having a relationship/relating; fears of being unwanted/unloved/rejected/abandoned being unable to master fears/emotions; or even having been rejected by peers maybe even bullied; being neurodiverse, internalizing too much negative emotion, not being aware of your true self (no neutral self observer), being unable to articulate your needs, being too agreeable for example......Grief/loss; Trauma...Not having a functional identity that you act out in the world (purpose)....

Perfectionism? Burnout?

Feel like you are in the constant spotlight of judgement socially?

Could it be a lack of meaning/purpose, or living in nihilism or adjacent to it, because you have no faith/trust or belief in any system, and realized none can prepare to face the chaos, evil of the world.  Disillusioned from all systems of support?

Having a low resolution problem, such as "being stuck"; is it that you literally missed the boat on developing social skills and you cannot jump in the water, and catch up, so feel far behind?  Is knowing that "fact" and the difference between the you in reality and the idea version of you has a gap that seems insurmountable?  Is "stuck" that you have rejected yourself to be someone you are not?  Is it "stuck" beating yourself up for immutable personality traits, that you cannot alter?
Is it some other version of "stuck" that you are unwilling to explore?

As I would say it could be a vast number of things that either alone or in combination cause issues (this is an extremely short list of possibilities!)....Actual Depression? Anxiety?  something else?
This message was last edited by the GM at 14:24, Fri 08 Mar.