We all want to be loved/accepted and with that comes the 4 fears...
...unwanted/unloved/rejected/abandoned......
These fears are a part of the deal, the other side of the coin, it is impossible to get rid of them....
.....Important you wanting to be loved/accepted is a given, you willing to do it in return is a very important consideration!

The ROE (Rules of Engagement) is actually called fair  fighting  rules, they are things that trigger all four of the persons fear at the same time, which is too much to deal with (emotional abuse?).  Rule #1 is never threaten the relationship and #2 is no name calling.  Or even an action such as throwing the ring at the other person....

So often one (or more of the fears) gets triggered.  Then we have to deal with it.
Dealing with the triggered fear(s) would be one thing, but very often the trigger is not the end of it, it is chained to a negative core belief, The "dragon" such as thinking you are "not good enough" so the result is that we tend to react, rather than respond to our partners.

Here is a quick example.  My wife says to me "You never listen"
This is a criticism, a perfect shot that hits my fear of rejection....if I have a Dragon it will roar, and breathe fire and I will most likely React.

Reactions can be hostile or defensive...
Hostile: "The problem is not that I do not listen it is that you never shut up."
Defensive 1: (She is the judge, I am the defendant, who is currently on trial), so I list all the times I have listened.
Defensive 2: I plead the 5th (shut down and wait for the threat to pass).
Defensive 3:  I am so sorry, I will do better, I promise

Responding in contrast is about being open/receptive and choosing a good response...
"I am here now, how can I help?"

Being "reactionary" can be for a variety of reasons, the most general is a "perceived attack", next would be a learned reaction (family of origin/bad relationship) or a deeper level issue, like a negative core belief or even personality disorder to name a few.

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The idea of the person should have "said it the right way" is common for some people to try to enforce.  Obviously it would have been better for her to say, "I do not feel like I am being heard.".  This is common in people who blame the fact they react on others, and shift the blame to the person who did not do it exactly right (very common in personality disorders).

The truth is that both people should get better at communication, but also be able to respond in the face of criticism.


I often say that the primary needs that differ in a relationship is for women it is safety/security, but also to be wanted/desired.  A bit more complex for women for sure.  I would say the man it is respect/intimacy, but the need to be needed seems like a real part of that.  How does that sound?  How would that possibly inform how to improve communication with each other?
******Fair assumption
I thought I would share this idea with you today, related to relationships and communication;  in couples therapy I often say that when I feel that something is unfair, the assumption to make is that from the other person's point of view (POV) they believe they are being fair, and that it is my responsibility to communicate my experience of "unfairness"; Another way of saying that as one of the first rules of IMAGO therapy and that is re-imagining your mate as the wounded child that they are...This works best when both people are doing it...
One idea that I like to approach these things is the fair/unfair idea, and generally I say that it kicks into play when I believe something my wife is doing is "unfair".....
The assumption I start with is that from her POV (point of view) she believes she is being fair and acting in good faith.
(Now it is possible that someone is not doing that, which is potentially a deeper problem, as I say once the assumption is proven wrong).

I have no idea how she is viewing things at the moment....
Let us try and "explore" or guess at her POV in this situation....
What if she thinks it is "unfair" that she has to deal with everything while you are gone, so to make up for that deficit she has you do things before you leave and upon your return and all the asks are simply (from her POV) restoring the "balance" of fairness?

The idea is around taking the  assumption that the other person believes what they are doing is fair/right from their point of view (POV) while at the same time I may think that what they are doing is unfair/unexpected/terrible.  So I may have to let them take some time/space for them to process what they are feeling/thinking.   Eventually I may be able to either let it go, or decide after seeing it a few times to sort out what to do about it.  If that makes sense?
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5 A's
I thought I would follow up with you in terms of relationships, and wants/needs for both yourself and the other person in the relationship.
There was a book from 2002 by David Richo called "How to be an adult in relationships: the 5 keys to mindful loving....There is a quote I like from it that is "Most people think of love as a feeling,...not so much a feeling as a way of being present."
He gives us the thing called the 5 A's; these are attention, acceptance, appreciation, affection, and allowing.  It is summarized in an article from Psychology Today called "The five keys to mindful loving" 2014.

For example if a person says that "my partner has a lack of basic empathy"
That means to be in a relationship with that person you are voluntarily giving up on some of the 5 A's as well as any expression of care/concern.....consideration, etc...

I do not believe their is an all inclusive list of wants/needs, and one could argue that their are others and that many are idiosyncratic and a couple is free to seek their own agreements in terms of these things as well as each person has  the ability to not agree with something the other person may want (because agreeing to something you do not agree to typically ends in either resentment or passive aggressive (revenge) behavior.
....
The Dragon....Onset, see that part...

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Letting things "Go" or as they sing in Frozen "let it go."
What are the things that make it very difficult to let things go?
I have identified 4 of the biggest one and we can start from there.
1) The fear that it may happen again in the future.....
For example I am trying to forgive my bully today, but I know that tomorrow she will beat me up and steal my lunch money....

2) I am waiting for something (and it is usually from the other person); such as an apology, realized they made a mistake, amends, for them to initiate contact...

3) Hard feelings, obviously it is easier to get past, annoyance/frustration/disappointment, and much harder to deal with a judgement/criticism or grudge/resentment or betrayal, or bitterness.  Also ambivalence, or mixed feeling (love/hate) which feels gross, like peanut butter and jelly in the same jar.

4) Was what happened caused by (or I believe it was due to):
-ignorance, unintentional or accidental
OR
-intentional, on purpose, intentionally with cruelty, evil or malevolence...

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BPD couple
Yes I have indeed worked with both couples and individuals who have a wide swath of disorders. I suspect that in one way you may be thinking that is assuming that means that I will automatically agree with the person with the disorder rather than moving both parties towards workable agreements. Unfortunately I cannot be both an individual therapist and a couples therapist at the same time (meaning at times I must validate both person's struggles, rather than focusing on one).
If you think it might be helpful maybe we could discuss the specifics around our last session and sort out what might seem problematic?
I hope you find this helpful.


I am going to go out on the limb of guessing, since it is not being stated directly. When I said as categorical fact that there exist rules for couples in conflict, and rule #1 is to never threaten the relationship. I implied that in a functional relationship it is "unacceptable" to intentionally trigger all four of the other person's fears.....Meaning that I implied that you were in the wrong and I in essence "rejected" you, but that is not the implication at all you can be fully accepted and still work on the difficult things to work on. It might sound contradictory that both are true, but it is not. You absolutely make sense based on your struggles and no you are not "wrong". What I believe you can learn to understand and accept difficult feelings, learn skills (mindfulness) and strategies to manage your emotions, and make positive changes in yourself, your life and your relationship.
If I have it wrong, please let me know what specifically you are referencing.


I wanted to check in and see where we are in regards to moving forward.  Obviously the process is uncomfortable for both of the people in the couple as inevitably uncomfortable, thoughts, feeling, physical sensations, images, and experiences.
My suggestion is to deal with these things as they arise in the moment, and working through them, regardless of difficulty.




Self-Directed DBT Skills
A 3-Month DBT Workbook to Regulate Intense Emotions and Create Lasting Change with Dialectical Behavior Therapy
Kiki Fehling, PhD & Elliot Weiner, PhD   (2023)

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I am familiar with the research basis and frameworks related to X and several other couples specific approaches.  I am not certified, endorsed nor specifically trained by The X Institute.   I am not even sure how many Y Licensed therapists are certified in X method, nor if any of them are on the platform.
I hope this information is helpful.
Kind regards,
This message was last edited by the GM at 20:20, Sat 24 Feb.