This is a classic story with several variations that can be found in numerous places.
I heard a version of the story told by a character in a movie, "My name is Nobody" with Henry Fonda and Terrence Hill from 1973.
The entire story and the morals are on YouTube in a 3 minute video called
"My name is nobody (1973) Bird, cowpie and coyote story"

I call the story "The Little Bird"
Here is both my version of the story and a re-imagined ending to the story....

Once upon a time at the edge of a pasture, in a small tree, on the limb of the tree no more than 4 feet off the ground there was a nest and in that nest was the recently hatched little bird. The little bird loved his warm and cozy nest, and every day he flapped his winglets and walked around the nest getting stronger....


One day he got up on the side of the nest and just then a gust of wind came and blew him off the nest and to the ground.......He looked way way up high that whole 4 feet and he saw no way to get back, so he ran as fast as he could and flapped as hard as he could and jumped as far as he could, but he could not get back into the nest...
He started running in circles, and yelling "help, help, help" and as he ran into the pasture, the sun started to set and he started to get chilled, so he started yelling "I'm cold; I'm cold" instead....... About that time he ran right into the back leg of a cow, the cow was chewing it's cud and looked around at the little bird......the little bird saw his chance so he told the cow...."I'm cold I'm cold"....and the cow chewed its cud, and then dropped a nice warm cow pie on top of the little bird to keep him warm.....
The little bird just barely had his beak sticking out of the cow pie, so he starts yelling again, "help, help, help" (the cow has wondered away thinking how good of a job he did in helping the little bird)......about that time a fox comes by and hearing the little bird, pulls him out of the cow pie.....the little bird says "thank you thank you"...the fox eats him....

The three morals of the story:
1) not everyone who craps on you is trying to do you harm 2) not everyone who seems to be helping is actually helping and might have other motives......the most important is 3 when you are up to your nose in crap, it is best to keep your mouth shut....(at least until you figure out what specific "help" you need)....

Now I like to re-imagine this story in a different way..
So the little bird knows that communication is very important and he knows that it is good to ask for help, but you should be very specific in your request, so he sees his situation, and this time when he gets the cows attention he says....
"Could you lie down in the grass and let me climb on your back, and then on you neck and head, and do you think that you might be able to walk over to my tree and let me use your snoot to get back into my nest, you see what is high for me is not so far for you."

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Oh the bird is everyone, and so is the cow....it is cow-like to have a friend who lost a parent and not knowing what to do/say and just trying something, and it ending up like the original "help" the cow gave......

Sometimes I do not know what I want/need or what would even help.
Like the bird sitting in crap, I probably need to think about the problem before I start screaming or blaming, I need to sort out this problem and figure it out!!!


Oh yes the cow response is a hard one for sure. I know that pretty often people have no idea how to respond to certain things and situations, and the most frequent one is like just ignoring the person.....in other words getting shit on...
You cannot expect or have too high of expectations) of cows...cows are notoriously dumb creatures, some have even gotten buckets stuck on their heads and do not even lower the head for the bucket to slide off.....

It is the same with people, some people have their heads so far (in the bucket) that they have no idea or thought to what they are doing, they just do it.....Like grabbing a bind person and "helping" them to cross the road.... Who in their right mind would unannounced grab someone?
Or grabbing the handles of a wheelchair and start pushing without asking first!

I call this the clueless public space issue. People think that once some item is out of the personal space it is then like public domain..... Pregnant women get that once, the belly is a certain distance away from you, everyone wants to touch it!!!


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My favorite example of using this idea.....
A husband approaches his wife for some intimacy, she responds with a simple "no"
He feels rejected, hurt, sad (perhaps he pouts) or becomes angry, or turns to some online porn. She then sees him looking at porn and likewise feels rejected.
OR
Now as he continues to ask, she continues to say no and he continues to not enjoy asking, eventually he stops and waits for her to start initiating intimacy, after a while she gets tired of initiating (because it is contrary to her need of being wanted/desired) and stops; then for the next decade they have no intimacy....
OR
He creates a spreadsheet tabulating all the reasons that his wife said no, only for it to be read out loud by Matt Berry on the internet for everyone to enjoy.  I cannot think of a worse communication strategy than starting a spreadsheet!

So what do I do?  First I recognize that it hits me a certain way when she says "no", I do not like it...so if I feel harshly perhaps I will direct anger at her, or something dumb like the outcomes above.  Instead the onus of communication is on me!

A well articulated problem is half solved---
...(source?) John Dewey? Dale Carnegie? Charles Kettering?

So I do not like that no, so I have to be the one to tell her and to suggest an alternative....(request making)...So say I suggest instead of no she ask me what I think about another day in the near future...so if today is Monday she might ask "How do you feel about Tuesday?"  (obviously I feel great about tomorrow!!!)

This might lead to a bigger discussion, she might say, "I am afraid you will treat me poorly between now and then if I promise you sex."

You might respond, "Have I ever done such a thing?".......Yes you have a conversation going and it is unpredicatible!!!

Whether she says yes or no....a good follow up for you might be, "Now I am afraid that you will just notice the bad between now and then, and begrudgingly agree to sex..."

Another thing to consider, and this may be true in her case, is that many women are awakened by sex and if it is late, she will not be able to sleep or will have to shower and then be up later than intended, whilst the man can go to sleep right away (proves the universe has a sense of humor, maybe?)

This might be deeper than just communication, it may be at the core of beliefs (mental maps..."happy wife, happy life") I have or perhaps I have been told that being passive makes me a "good boy", that it is virtue to be passive (obey, conform, submit) or that I am the problem and I need to do a better job loving her well enough..........
Or perhaps another story is involved such as the myth of medusa, or perhaps I have no skill set to deal verbally with another person, much less an intimate relationship...

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My second favorite example of a low resolution problem is
"I am taken for granted"
Say that due to my own self (anxiety or the distraction of disorder in my environment) I always grab the plates, silverware, bowls, glasses, and do it for my wife, then I have kids and continue to do it for them, then one day they are all ungrateful teenagers to me and do not acknowledge what I do for them.....
In this case, you have "literally trained them not to notice", and never bothered to teach them to 1) take their dishes to the sink (when young) and 2) not to rinse their dishes and load them in the dishwasher when they were old enough.....

It was my job to show/teach them!
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Another common example  of a low resolution problem (I think almost all non-practicwl problems start out this way), it the notion or idea of being "stuck"....and what exactly that even means and sorting out the solution as it were.
Is this due to age/development/lack of autonomy?  Does this mean in a  career or relationship?

I like the metaphor of a plant that has outgrown it's current pot, and needs new space to grow and a new pot to be in.  The plant however might be both stuck and comfortable, so the new  pot is outside the current comfort zone...meaning that there is a traumatic process of uprooting that takes place to get the plant re-potted, however after the recovery time the plant is healthier and experiences growth into new places (new "life space" at the roots and into the world).

The mandrakes in Harry Potter give a humorous example of the plants working to re-pot themselves at times, however there is no gardener to do the work and make the choices, so it is something a person must decide to do voluntarily.
Obviously we can also be uprooted against our will and left to deal with the trauma of that thing that was beyond our control...such as moving with our parents as a child.

It is like living day in and day out having the same thoughts, feelings and behaviors and "hoping" for a change (rather than changing one or all three of those areas)....almost like an external locus of control.
Sound Garden had a song "fell on black days" explaining everything going wrong and questioning "How would I know That this could be my fate?" (stuck) and the line that ends the song is "I sure could use a change"...waiting for something outside of self to provide the change.

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More examples of low rez problems
"My needs are not getting met"
"You are so selfish"
"I hate you!" This is like getting to the stage of resentment/bitterness and it is also low resolution, because if you knew what the heck the problem is, you can certainly communicate that in a real way, and attempt to negotiate a new agreement on your own behalf to get your needs met.  I often refer to this as "skipping all the conversations."

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MIA (Missing in Action); military term
Missing (in my) Interaction might be a better label.

In an interaction with another person I have an expectation and feel (annoyance/frustration/disappointment/?) because :
Something is missing, appreciation, gratitude thankfulness?
For example I prepare someone a nice birthday meal and the feedback I get is
"It is not terrible." (a joke)

Not what I wanted at all....

Or I ask the person for space/time (solitude) and they come and check on me or they offer me a cup of coffee.  Are they violating the agreement (a disruption) or are they fine?  If I think they are wrong, then I should neutrally approach them and clarify what is or is not acceptable.....

Here is another example that might be useful.  A person is very excited about the idea of doing a project, something like flowering bushes for the yard and goes to share their excitement with their partner.
"Look how nice all these look, we will have living things and fragrant flowers."
"How much is all that going to cost?"
What is missing?  Can the person share the excitement at least a little bit before getting into costs?  I would hope that would be an important consideration, but they are not aware it is missing in the interaction, unless the first person tells them.

So say I try a new thing and make a gift for a person, like a scarf or something like that, and expecting a thank you or something about my accomplishment, the person instead gives me something about how I could probably make money doing that.
not saying their response is terrible or stupid, but it is not what I needed from them at that moment.  It is up to me to realize what is missing and see if the other person might be willing to try and give it in future interactions.

MIA part 2
Most people assume their Point of View (POV) is "fair" and hence they may have a unique or interesting trigger to their fears.

One interesting one is the response of "yep" or "yeppers"
So they get this response and their POV is it is Dismissive? Unengaged? Disrespectful?
Could be based on past experience with not being listened to, or some other reason.

Who is "wrong" or at fault in the situation? Neither one, but if I do not like the yep or yeppers it is up to me to go beyond saying I don't like it or express anger; I have to articulate the issue and negotiate an agreement with the other person (which they do not have to agree to, by the way).

Beyond yep there are people who say phrases that might create chaos and confusion, one such phrase is "Yeah, no...."

The next one is also a POV problem if I am explaining something to a person and they give me no feedback, I am likely to explain it again in a different way, and if still no feedback I might offer a third way.  For example an H&R Block employee giving tax information.  The person receiving the information is offended because the person just treated them like they were dumb/stupid....

This cycle can happen with a explanation, a request or even a question.
Very common in the POV that it is a "trick" question or a trap of some sort.
Example a Nuerotypical partner asks a Nuerodiverse partner this question:
"Where can I put this bill such that you will not forget to pay it?"
OR
"Where can I put this item, so that you will remember to bring it?"
Putting them on the spot
"What did you do today?"

The ND partner sees this question as a trick/trap because the honest answer is there is no way to guarantee I will remember it.  What can they say in that position?  What is the response?  How do they get the other person to think that what they are asking is unfair?

The NT partner is looking for the exact say thing as everyone in these situations (if you take the opposite POV) They too want you to respond/acknowledge!

MIA part 3
Beyond MIA is people who make what I call "unpromises", things that are deceptive and use plausible deniability to make people feel like they are in a friendship/relationship.  Things like "I got you." or "You know how I feel" or "Your/you are my girl".....Often some event happens and you may need help and they say "No" and you ask about the statement (i got you) and they respond, "not like that" OR You catch them with someone else at the same time.  We never said we were exclusive, she is also my girl (maybe a clever variation like "home girl").

If I happen to notice that the person did not seem to get what they wanted out of our interaction I can ask "What do you need?" if they say something upsetting ("If you loved me you would know.") I may have  to give space and return to it later on, to find out/discover what it was that was needed.

*********TAG
So if I move from noticing what is wrong and offering criticism, I am instead noticing the positive and offering praise.

So if we gamify our relationship we can play a game I call TAG; Thankfulness, appreciation, and gratitude  (these are the missing elements of MIA).
The idea is that when it is my turn I am charged with expressing one of these 3 things to my partner; then it is their turn to express one of those things to me....

I am cooking a lot of meals and would really like and notice a lack of appreciation, I am hating that I never get it.
The question is am I expressing the TAG to my partner at all, perhaps neither of us is communicating these things?
So if I start expressing it more, it opens the opportunity for reciprocity (not to be confused with obligation)....

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BLUF
Men tend to operate off of headlines (and communicate that way) and women like to go over and through all the details.

I can if she is about to go into something that seems to be lengthy, I can ask her for the BLUF.  Bottom Line Up Front.

She begins to tell a story about her mom, dad, and sibling....
"I do not want to lose track of what you are telling me, before you start can I get the BLUF so I do not miss it?"

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TMI: Wall of Text
This leads to the common problem called "Wall of Text"
First question is:
Can I actually respond to every point and nuance of this wall of text?
Do I think is is unfair?  Do I think it is a trick?
So if I acknowledge something in writing or fail to say something what can I expect in reply?
Do I have the mental bandwidth to unravel this wall, and get into a spiral of thoughts/emotions?
Is this trying to create a story or narrative that the other person is the "victim" and I am the perpetrator?

I generally say the appropriate response to this level of foolishness is to delete the wall, and send the appropriate "TLDR"  Too long; Did not read.

The Art of War and the Book of 5 rings agrees...

What if I am the person who sends the wall of text?  Most likely because it adds structure and clarity to write out your thoughts/feelings and feels good to do so.
The reality is that this "should" actually be a journal entry for myself, not a message to someone else.  Why not write it as a journal entry for you, rather than externalize it to another person?

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Three struggles in a relationship.  1.knowing my needs/wants 2. articulating my needs 3. negotiating an agreement with the other person.

All agreements should include the idea of the expectations (the main one being I will verbally let you know, and approach a seeming "violation" of the agreement from a neutral stance (as opposed to you cannot be trusted, or I have got you now you SOB).
Secondly the agreement needs to be ok with renegotiation in the future, and we need to understand that a vision for compromise is something at least one person will need.

Let's imagine you and your partner make the "$100 agreement", meaning simply neither of you will spend more than that without talking to the other one first.

The partner notices a charge for Tractor Supply Company for $124.78
the partner brings it up to the other one, and they explain it was a wheelbarrow and cost $99.99. We likely did not discuss tax in the OG agreement, otherwise they would have had to know that they could only spend $87.50 to remain under 100.....

Now the second partner notices $78 for lunch, and confronting
The partner who spent the money shrugs and says"It was under $100"
"This was about items, not about a meal!" (was that actually discussed?)

A partner signs up for the fruit of the month club.  It costs $45 a month and they signed up for the year, total $540.  (also unlikely to have been specified in the OG agreement).

A few years pass and one partner starts to think the other is super cheap because of the amount spent on their birthday/Christmas gifts.  They speak to their partner, who reminds them that they are actually just following the agreement!!!!!
"It was never meant for my gifts!!"



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Communication How to?
Very often a person may state something like: my wife hates I drink beer and she hate my friend Bob, so she states this 10,000 times.  Then one day she is just tired of it all and is done with me and my drinking!

The problem is first she never once asked me to agree to stop drinking, she stated not liking it, but most people hearing someone make a statement thinks I will just make sure I use mints, or that is fair there are things about you I do not like either.

The second problem is she is acting as if she either reached an agreement or has already issued an ultimatum.

This is all about very poor communication, If I want the person to stop doing a thing I have to communicate and they have the agency to agree or not, or to enter into a negotiation.

What if I would be willing to stop by the pub for a couple of pints with my pals and take no more than an hour on a weekday, and perhaps an hour and a half and 3 pints on Fridays?  We cannot come to this without engaging in the conversation!!!!

In a relationship we all give up a little independence/autonomy, and everything becomes a conversation, reaching (negotiating) agreements and setting expectations.
Just to be clear agreements are binding on both people and the expectation is never perfection, instead it is that we will communicate and verbally let the other person know.

There is a huge difference between her and I agreeing not to criticize each other, and setting the expectation, if you feel criticized, you will verbally let me know and I will try to do better, and vice versa.  If on the other hand I just promise to to be critical, then she is free to criticize me all the time, and if I inadvertently do so she can punch me in the throat, put her finger in my face and scream about how I cannot be trusted, to keep my promise, with her trust, and her love!!!
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Communication can  grossly insufficient, I want to be loved/accepted meaning that the other person knows me, and chooses to accept me.

If I am aware for example  of having BPD (borderline personality disorder) and I tell the person something vague and non-specific like "I can be a handful" or "People say i am sassy" or even a bit more informative, "If you cannot handle me at my worst you do not deserve me at my best."  (I am not saying any of these statements make someone BPD, just to be clear).

If a man tells his partner something like "My problem is I really like sex." the partner is probably going to assume something not so difficult to deal with.

They will not know they are signing up to deal with:
I will always flirt (seeking ego stroking) and check to see if the person is sexual receptive, and if so I will pursue and nothing within me will stop me from engaging fully in that activity, ie I have no self control; and I form no intimate connection through sex, and have trouble forming any intimate bonds....

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"The mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation"
Henry David Thoreau

So one way of thinking about it is what "message(s)" am I receiving verbally/non-verbally; how do I feel about or interpret those messages and what am I going to do with that information?

Dealing with disrespect, two areas where people go wrong is they either get angry (that leads to more) or they "accept" it by either agreeing or not saying anything (potentially leading to regret).

Instead the plan to deal with disrespect is two parts, acknowledge you hear what is being said, and two request it be said in a better/respectful or useful way.

For example someone calls me an "idiot"
I can say "I hear you, but can you give me something useful?"

Can also be used to deal with an accusation, where I do not need to go on either offense or defense, I can simply follow the mental map or plan for dealing with disrespect.


In the TV series The Office.....There was an episode where Michael Scott dresses as Willy Wonka and places Golden Tickets into 5 seperate pallets in the warehouse, and each ticket gives 10% off, yet all 5 end up at the same business, giving them 50% off the huge order....

Michael Scott is very upset and come to talk to the warehouse guy Daryll...

MS "hey. hey. hey. You Idiot!"

D : shakes his head slowly side to side, and says quietly and simply "start over."

Reaction versus response:
If I have a plan to deal with disrespect/accusation...
"Script" for myself..."acknowledge said, request they rephrase it".
Then point it is an accusation.....

There is a second less friendly option in dealing with disrespect, it is called the high status reframe....
A great example of this is in the TV series Mad Men where Don Draper is in the elevator with ?  and the subordinate is upset that Don did not use his idea....





Men and Dad's
Difference???
"You are fine, ok"  (rub dirt in it!)
instead of asking me if I am..
"Are you ok?"   shows care/concern
Most men cannot tell the difference and will not understand the explanation...


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The idea has been documented to a written source, if one wants to go to that
The VP of the Stainless Processing Company, William H Markel, wrote a collection of articles that became "The Manufacture Manager's Skills"
That quote is slightly different and in that publication is attributed to an unnamed Yale professor.
"If I had only one hour to solve a problem, I would spend up to two thirds of that hour in attempting to define what the  problem is."
This message was last edited by the GM at 23:36, Wed 17 Apr.