Re: I want my brain back...
I'm angry, and I don't know why. Bad stuff happens and I deal with that, but that usually doesn't anger me, it scares me, makes me anxious or or annoys me. No, I'm just angry, very often, and it's very deep seeded anger that roots in part from not feeling accomplished. It makes me argumentative and confrontational, and when the few times I avoid confrontation, like on RPOL I receive terse backlash for not arguing and just removing myself from the situation.
Really that's not it though, the culprit is feeling ineffective and overwhelmed, it makes me feel small and insignificant. I see so many people so accomplished and better at in activities I really try hard at, or lackadaisical about things I try to be good at and still comparable to me. It makes me feel lost and disparaged, which makes me feel either sad, and not productive, or angry and aggressive.
Because life doesn't stop when I have a bad day, or for anyone for that matter, I end up being angry to get through the day. It makes me off-putting and offensive, and I can understand that, but that makes me feel sad.
It's gotten to the point though, that I've exhausted a lot of great potential for new friends because I've been an ass. Just too stubborn on that day to say "I'm sorry. The truth is, I made a mistake. I don't know what I'm doing and tried to pretend I did. I spent a lot time trying to make this work, but I need help."
The fact I'm angry makes (most) people not like me, the fact they don't like me makes me worried, and sometimes, if it's someone I've actually got to know and messed it up with, sad. Life goes on and things need to happen, and I try, and often fal, which makes me frustrated...and then angry.
Failing is my worst fear, and so it's a very tangled vicious cycle. It is both a self fulfilling prophecy and a conduit for repeating occurrence One that can only be broken by intensely deliberate thought process. I don't have to be good, I just have to be good enough. People will like me if I'm not so moany and gripey, and if they don't then it's matter of them not liking my actual attitude and not this toxic bravado. If that's the case then it's just better that way. Because it just means we're not compatible, and that's okay, that's not failing.
It's just going to take quite awhile before I can shake that attitude of being defensive in the face of ridicule. It hits at the very nerve that affects me most. I have lofty aspirations, and that is true on RPOL games I GM here too, but I feel like if I aim for the sky, an illusory place I can never quite get, I find myself taking off and going farther than I ever would have had I only intend to get my feet off the ground. I hate falling, and especially when people mock or ridicule the notion of trying to fly, but when I find those rare events where I can, where I do something great in spite of all the limitations and feel like I'm floating, that's what makes me happy. That and sharing people's company.
I think that was one of the few things (and hopefully this doesn't tread again site RoA, it's more anecdotal) that I held onto from days in a warped religious lifestyle. I remember the stories of Jesus being with friends and valuing that over having a clean home, doing superficial work, or maintaining the "Jonah is the ONLY sign!" philosophy. I'd rather go without eating (and have) or miss a day of work than miss a good time with a friend. That makes me happy too. Because nothing can by back that time, and I would (and do) miss that most.
Sharing the company, even over the internet, with kind and fun people is enriching. I need to admit I really need help with things I should know, and ask for forgiveness when I say or do something disrespectful, rather than trying to justify a mistake.
Eh, I already know all this, and it serves very little purpose to post it for everyone to read rather than just write it down and discard it, but it helps in the process of trying to fix a problem. Bein g willing to admit I often feel inept and overwhelmed, and that that makes me angry, I hope will be a step in the direction of not being so. "It doesn't matter what people think. " well, yeah it does, to me at least. They may not be right, but it at least paints a more accurate and objective picture of who I am. Everything is subjective. If it doesn't matter what people think, than I might as well be doing this (whatever) alone.
Anyway, this was a LONG vent, but I needed to make it, and this is the place to do it. And I do feel (somewhat) better. </it now>