This message was deleted by the user at 17:23, Mon 25 Sept 2023.

Second game in a year where someone quit because another character just disagreed with theirs. Wasn't even an ugly RP argument, just not thinking the same way.

The kindest way I can put it is that, maybe, non-solo RPGs aren't for them?
This message was last edited by the user at 10:59, Fri 13 Oct 2023.

I feel tired this Friday. I worked too much and next week won't be better, probably. I'm sure I'm not the only person that can solve that problems.

Two days ago, at a job I'm counting the months of retirement out of, once again a toastie was promoted over 6 other qualified people, and this toastie (think, less bread, more hopping and eating bugs) had only been hired in 2022.  The fallout is that another good worker is leaving the place, after wasting 9 years there.  The employees are demoralised and I'm the dinosaur that has seen everything go on over the past two decades - and I've had to defend my meagre position twice in the last year, while another colleague was turned out to pasture on a disability retirement and NOT allowed to return even to say goodbye.  I, too, am permanently disabled by this job and they've tried rather hard to get rid of me. Talk about a disposable workforce - we are there every day.  And management had to limitless gall to advise us to 'show our worth, show our motivation, in order to get a promotion'.  It didn't matter, every time I went for a promotion, I was left in the dust, despite education, experience, seniority, and loyalty.  Nepotism and kissing up rule.

So, in real language, work harder, for the same pay, and no chance of promotion as all the people in jobs above me are much younger than me.  Well then, I'll 'act my wage' and carry on with my defence of my own employment from those who got the promotions because they can lick boots or are someone's relative.  Counting down.  Too old to go somewhere else now.

Trigger warning for trauma. Trigger warning for mawkish outlook.

This is not pleasant, and is more a discharge than a vent. I really...I needed to put this somewhere where people I care about live, even part time. Even for once in a period, or just once. It is a fraud committed that has no recompense. There is no silver lining. I find this not just deep, but to my clarity, a yawning abyss, but deep it is still, and dark, and long and with all that without conclusion, without purpose, just an emptying of the empty husks. This is somewhat vague and it's something I couldn't put into ten nor ten thousand words and it be acceptable to write with any clarity, becasue it is just so...I wrote this to try to really let people know why this long, and as they read this that it has very little value, beyond my own I assign it, and that someone else may have value in. I guess I'll let the original start commence.


I struck a pressure point of my past, and remembered something, a repressed memory, and it truly left me victimized all over again. I cried, and I sobbed, and I tried to call the crisis line, but my phone has no "carrier service" and I tried calling 911 and that didn't work. !FYI this was a few days ago now.

I have good in my life, and so this ugly...no...

[6 blank lines suppressed]

repugnant

[7 blank lines suppressed]

horrid

[6 blank lines suppressed]

skeleton surfaced in the now calming waters.

[8 blank lines suppressed]

If YHWH (Abrahamic Deity) wanted a double or nothing, Lucifer made back losses and then a windfall or plenty more; after betting on the American Roulette Basket of grotesque trials.

[10 blank lines suppressed]

I live on, and have over the last few years, knowing that death will come, as it always will, and one day for me, and I'll cordially accept it. I want to live for this life. I want to live for my time with the few people I have had the good company of. I want to live for frivolous moments. I want to live for the sadness, anger, grief, resentment, and happiness, and charity that I can appreciate while I have a mind know, to remember and to be conscious of.

Sometimes however, I wonder why this life was mine, and yet I owe everyone who ruined it for having it. I didn't ask to be born, and I....sometimes I wonder had I been asked...or should....this life be a sequence in a cosmic pattern of no divine yet still incomprehensibly massive and powerful...and predetermined...........and recurring "life" with variance...if I'd say "no" I'd rather give away every friend's letters, every good samaritan's charity, every dollar I gave a homeless and poor panhandler with sign by the highway asking for help, give away my instrumental healing for my closest friends, my love of the video game Fallout 4, my gaming golden years, my first love and the woman I lost just months after having cold feet to her proposing to me, not because she left, but a reckless driver took her, turn down...just...all of this...all I have...and reroll another character...or just lose the die.

I am here though, and I am asking for help, and I'm telling my doctors about my thoughts, and I'm doign what I can, and I'm hoping I just dumb, and can't make sense of what it easy to comprehend, and that's why no one's advice makes sense.

Sometimes...like...often times....very sobering lonely and silent hours...I wonder if I am not just a fool with creative artist talent, but among the smart, and so there are few that could be smarter than I, so I have to be my own council and live by ancient yet enduring philosophy. I will be a stoic. I enjoy sensation. I enjoy remembering tragedy, even when out of limelight and current news. The death of Chester Bennington, the death of John Pinette, the death of Alan Rickman. The....love...hope....loss....of my dear Chloe.

I play Fallout 4 often, to pass my months alone. I sometimes talk as if someone were with me, when I'm alone and think how pitiful I am.

[13 blank lines suppressed]

Then, when I've quieted all of that, and I'm ambitious about just cleaning up the tiny apartment of the cardboard boxes, hitting the gym to give myself the chance to pay off the diet debt of years off my life....

And my memory reminds me while I've tresspassed...done wrong, been a bully, been vindictive, and sometimes petty. I am a product....in a way that is amplified from the multiplying negative (toxic) numbers....of people, that -11 by -11 creates a meager 121, but a positive meant to intensify the pain, but through the mutual heinous proclivities, I come out still with hope, and grief, and meaning.


I may be pitiful. Some people may feel I'm done. Some people may rejoice in my misery, some justly vindicated by my own past malice; I'm not just imperfect, I've done bad things, I've been a bad person. MAybe I am a bad person.

This memory though...I...think...think...have to believe why I if asked I did say yes. The skeleton of this re....this trauma laid dormant until I could bury it properly. I wonder in that moment, who that might otherwise have been. I didn't save anyone. These people, they are like lice, and legion. I can say, that whomever this person I never knew and will never know was, is, could have been if not for truly evil people...I can say...smearing tears and my nose running...I knew they were someone, they were my brother or sister. My protector or my fellow, my charge or my friend. They were under the same weight, and they sunk...so deep I lost all sense of them...but I say a few words of thanks, to the unhearing, the unknowing, to the departed. I cry now again. I lay them to rest, in a grave with symbol of critical decision and challenge.

"Criticism has plucked the imaginary flowers on the chain not in order that man shall continue to bear that chain without fantasy or consolation, but so that he shall throw off the chain and pluck the living flower."

A small reminder of the movies of Harry potter and how the symbol of lily meant something different for me.

I don't dare go diving for more into the dark depths. I just find what solace I can. Knowing there is no silver lining to be had. Knowing that to even look for one, is to err to justify such evil. The hollow cost, the sacrament of the necessary and best  or held by the poorest offered, and yet given to the craven to vicious cycle that I best leave to  to Perfect Circle's approach of the Doomed https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SDvfbvuJtS8, "the new beatitudes...↑↑↑↑↑↑↑↑↑↑↑↑↑↑↑↑↑↑↑↑ the DOOMED!, your on your own!"  being the reward for the meek. Even the decent.

I am alive. In forty years it's likely someone may remember me. In One Hundred Sixty I'll never have existed by all intents and purposes. Terminal goals, and instrumental goals.

I know why I wrote this, I needed to purge this. I know why I made it so public despite being so guarded about the scope and blurring the crime. Someone, perhaps, may see it. I don't know if it will only cause harm, or if someone will see this and think I beckon them to my aid. I hope though, despite the mawkish voice over, that someone who feels worthless, or is suffering in vain, and finds any pleasure with no expense of anyone's pride, comfort, integrity, and most of all safety, saftey of any kind, will read this and not feel they have to justify any terminal goal of pleasure or satisfaction. To know if it brings you some joy, and takes none from others directly, to not feel shame, but enjoy the flickering glow. Whatever darkness you face, it probably isn't fair, but it's not forever. You owe few if any anything you hold dear.

So I pray, not to be heard, but to take the act to hear my appreciation and grief of those that were that glow, are that glow for me, and will light my pyre with that glow at zenith falling downward . I love you, You few that also love me, though none have told me, wrote it nor said it, love is a verb and you do love me. You few. You give me your time, and your company, and your trust, and your dreams and fantasies and art and stories. To me, to have these, from you, that is loving me. I wish those few that truly do this, would tell me that is what they intend to, but I would rather feel it than read it a thousand times, or hear it every birthday, or New Year.

I'll stop. This memory haunts me, but I just have to back away and let this rest. I have no way...to undo...to reverse....to unknow...of these there is no solace for this knowledge, but solace from the knowledge that it has passed. No justice, no mercy, but time takes its toll from all. I'm glad, however that there is no such life eternal. To know this misery was not part of some plan, certainly not all benevolent. Just the free will because we have no choice, and some people can coerce or even brutally terrorize that will into abjection.

*deep breath*

RPoL is a sanctuary for me. I can't...I can,...but I won't....find a better place to memorialize the candle lit. I care when that light went out. I still smell the ask from those...

---

Thank you for having a vent thread to put this in, that allows us all to leave a burden or a tribute, even in vain. LEave it, and not let it be touched except in the most necessary cleaning and scrubbing. I tried very hard to be candid, but I hope I was not trespassing upon the generosity of this site or this forum or this community of the mods, or any social contract. I weighed this, reviewed it, thoguth hard, despoite it ebing hard enough ti write let alone read. I looked and really slowed my reading to scrunitize if there was a way to discern if this would breech a agreement of conduct. In as few wordsa as I can paraphrase, no mod can tell me whether this is acceptable without seeing it. So...wrote it, and I'm rewriting this part, and I have to just hope, and rely on the consistent latitude. If I broke a rule, I sadly will have to be told what it is. I came here, and do not intend to browse the CC in general. I had to lay something in me. I just have very little traction as it is, and this is the closest to sharing an empty showing of senseless loss.

'scuse me while I switch on Sarcasm mode for a moment...

I just LOVE it when people get their advance checks returned to them so that they get sent to me a week late.  It's especially enjoyable when they have a project with a fairly tight deadline and the advance is to cover supplies I need to get for their project.  It's even better when my landlord takes my rent check to the bank earlier than usual, so my own personal finances are in such a state that I can't but most of the supplies I need.

It's so conducive to making my holiday season start off in a peaceful, enjoyable manner...

</sarcasm>

They didn't even tell me about the check being delayed.  I had to contact the artistic director to ask if the check had been sent, because I still hadn't seen it...she had to contact the accounting people, who said that they HAD sent the check, but it had been returned, so they were sending it again.  No explanation about why it was returned (which doesn't exactly inspire confidence that it won't get returned AGAIN and sent out yet another week later).  In the meantime, I'm racking up overdraft fees because my landlord jumped the gun (I mean, he IS at his discretion as to when he takes the check to the bank...but considering that he rarely does it before the middle of the month, and he didn't even get last month's check to the bank until the start of this month, I had kind of gambled that he'd follow that pattern...and I lost).

This isn't leaving me in the best state of mind to start the holiday season...

Civ 6 still hasn't been fixed for my roommate. So she can't play the game I bought her for  July 2022. Instead she's playing Planet Zoo, but she doesn't have as much fun with it, and wants to watch me play video games more than play herself. She likes it, so it's fine. It just makes me feel bad that she can't play what she wants to. At least she has a nice T.V. to watch Fallout 4 cast on.

It is literally the one, the only, possession that I have after our fire in 2018 that was bought with insurance money. I love the T.V., so I'm glad she can watch it while I play on my PC.

---

Biggest vent...I may be quitting RPoL...entirely. A lot is stacking up, and I don't know how to juggle it all. I don't want to, but I'm having trouble on the old site, and if the new site gives me more trouble that may be the nail in the coffin before burial of my games.

When I say I have frequent posters I mean I have people who post daily,no updates, no posts and than try to join another of my games, no. thank you RPOL for the block feature.

I've discovered recently (the past few days) that I'm really not doing any better than I was before I took my (entirely too short) break.   So more unhappily than usual, I've dropped out of the few games that I decided to join as well as gone ahead and closed out the one game that I was running.

And...my depression has been kicking my butt more and more lately.   I'm hoping that it'll get better soonish.....

This message was deleted by the user at 09:09, Fri 15 Mar.

This message was deleted by a moderator, as it was against the forum rules, at 01:37, Wed 03 July.

slightly infuriating to RTJ a game, get denied, blocked by the GM, and then watch the same GM constantly bump their games in requesting players

ive been trying to keep it to myself but still slightly infuriating

This message was deleted by a moderator, as it was moot, at 18:19, Tue 02 July.

I gave quite a bit of thought to not putting this down, but in the end decided that I really should.

I'm uncertain about my state of mind in general: as I've mentioned before I'm both bipolar (Bipolar Depression specifically) and have a form of autism called Asperger's Syndrome.   I had a rather bad episode a month or three back, which manifested here by my quitting out of everything and more or less crawling under a rock for a few days.

I've got both game ideas I want to run and character ideas that I'd like to play, but I don't feel that I'm in a good place to be GMing.   I don't want to give up the hobby and I'm certain that doing so would transform me into a complete hermit...also something I don't want.   So, I'm ultimately writing this to not only record my current state but also let others know that I'm still hanging in there, no matter how bad it seems atm.

This is kind of a time-delay thing (and so has nothing to do with any games I'm in now) but:

I don't understand why people would join a campaign based on an IP (like a TV show or movie or book series or what-have-you), and then go out of their way not to engage with the material.

I don't mean non-posting. Non-posting (or the thing where you join a new game because you want an escape from your responsibilities, but then can't play the game because of those responsibilities) is a problem, but we all know that and we all deal with that.

I mean, when someone decided to run a Song of Fire and Ice campaign, and everyone decided to play it like a dating sim so now it's The CW Presents: Game of Thrones (I mean, even with PvP given the green light, everyone decided that it was time for Medieval High School Clique Simulator up in there- even though our the premise was that our characters' House was at war, and losing!)

I mean, running something set in the Buffy the Vampire Slayer/Angel universe, and deciding it's Hangaround Club instead of a game where the characters do something (to the point of telling players who wanted an action-oriented plotline to write it themselves as "super freeform").

I mean having a Star Wars campaign where we just moped a lot.

I mean people deciding their pre-war Fallout character was pretty much them, from 2024, with no accommodations to the setting.

I mean running an Arthurian campaign that was supposed to 'feel authentic', and then (mid-game!) moving Camelot from any of the general ideas of where fictional Camelot or historical Camlann/Camulodunum was to the town where the GM's new girlfriend lives.

 (That last one burned because when we all decided where our characters lived in relation to the Capital (ie, Camelot), we were urged to pick actual places using Pendragon materials... but when Girlfriendapolis was the new capital, that didn't get fixed. So, someone who decided "I'm from a day's ride outside the Castle" isn't a days ride from the Castle, they're halfway across England. With GM enforcement. I played a Saxon opponent, the "new capital" was smack in my previous territory. I am reasonably sure the girlfriend neither knew or cared that he'd moved his campaign's capital to Stacygrad or whatever, too.)


Again, if you're in a campaign with me now: I am thinking of this because we're doing good.
This message was last edited by the user at 04:07, Tue 16 July.

I'm pretty much quitting RPoL for the foreseeable future. It takes me four hours to geta post out, and that was just too long. Some posts were easier. I just don't have the finesse or pbp positive feedback to have players engage when I'm online (which was about thrice a week) after I'd have a week to two months of RL drama. The sadness is most acute that I was getting my RL affairs in order. In hindsight, I opened my game three to five months early on one, and eight months early on the other. I figured there would be more player to player discussion out of game, and more solo to begin in game. That was backwards. I accept that, but the damage is done.

My Parkinsonism has worsened too. So much I drop a piece of flatware almost every day. I'll have a fork and just drop it. I also type very badly. I'll edit typos, and then when I do they get worse. Some words happen to be harder than others to type. I think because I hunt and peck at 40 wpm, and slowing down makes me shakier. I managed to fix this post though. Gosinn's luck I'd say.

Anyway...I'm more passive on RPoL, if at all. I've found the time I was devoting to game really came back to help in other much needed ways.

There was a time, before being homeless, I had an abundance of time. I thought I still had that...not nearly as much as I thought. Everything takes longer than it did ten years ago.

OCD sucks....sometimes, the brain just won't let go of an idea.

Nobody appreciated my Dungeons and Dragons ideas! I madea system so that all of the player classes go up to level 30, made a Sharpshooter class that focuses on bows and crossbows(and is a little bit too op...), made a Tank class(1d20 hp, -10 speed. it is just for being on the front lines...), made a Archmage class(ok, i admit it. this was a stupid idea. its too op being able to access every speel in the players handbook... as well as being able to have 3 9th level spell slots at 20th level...) but still! i try to implement it into games that i MYSELF GM, and then people just quit. its making me depressed... ( ￣ □  ￣ ; )

This message was deleted by the user at 13:47, Mon 05 Aug.

*sigh*

My darling kindergartener, that loves their class very very much, is being moved to a new class. Yes, I understand, the classes were too big, and they needed to hire some more teachers (and finally did), but why does it have to be -MY- kid that gets moved away from a teacher they adore?

The world won't end. Life will go on. They'll probably get over it.

But it still stinks.

This message was deleted by a moderator, as it was moot, at 05:34, Sat 31 Aug.

This message was deleted by a moderator, as it was moot, at 05:35, Sat 31 Aug.

This message was deleted by a moderator, as it was moot, at 05:36, Sat 31 Aug.

I've come to the conclusion that it's time for me to give up RPGs as a hobby.    While I've been stuck in a rut for a while, it's only recently that I've realized that I've become burnt-out about a number of things, not just this.

So, for however long (it might be years); I'm leaving RPOL with no plans on returning in the immediate future.   Thank you to everyone who I've come to know and everyone who's suffered through my various game/character ideas.    I'm just...going to leave everything alone.

Take care everyone.
This message was last edited by the user at 17:57, Mon 23 Sept.