Isida KepTukari
 member, 338 posts
 Elegant! Arrogant! Smart!
Mon 17 Feb 2020
at 12:10
Travel for what?!
I am, I believe, going to try for the extremely direct approach of: "This is the precise opposite of fun for me. Finding one mildly interesting item in one store for me, and four shirts in a store for you, is not fun, is not cost-effective, and to me is a huge waste of time when it comes with a five-hour round trip. I will be staying home on future excursions of this nature."

I never have to worry about his clothing; he chooses about the same four colors in two different designs, always has.  I don't worry about setting him loose in a mall, I just don't want to be drug along on a ridiculously long trip for something he could get locally.
OceanLake
 supporter, 1098 posts
Wed 19 Feb 2020
at 00:39
Travel for what?!
IMOs

1. Something else is going on in hubby's mind. The trip is a substitute for something.

2. There's something to be said for openness and honesty in a marriage.
Kessa
 member, 608 posts
 Dark Army:
 Out to Lunch
Wed 19 Feb 2020
at 07:24
Travel for what?!
It rather sounds like he enjoys this and wants to include you as part of quality time together, particularly since it's such a time intensive trip to either place and not taking you might seem neglectful to him. Which is a nice idea, except that rather than a trade off between what movie to watch, or coffee to buy, this isn't just a minor thing to sigh off for you, but really truly miserable. Which really quite defeats the purpose of quality time (making people feel closer) and actually results in the exact opposite. I do think the direct approach is best. He might feel let down his idea was not well received, but at least he will understand it's not a rejection of him... just this particular miserable thing. And perhaps together you can find something more enjoyable to do with the rest of your time off together you both will enjoy.
Isida KepTukari
 member, 340 posts
 Elegant! Arrogant! Smart!
Wed 19 Feb 2020
at 09:44
Travel for what?!
We did several other fun things together during our anniversary week, just that shopping trip was the bummer.  I think Hubby might be conflating the shopping with some fun we had on a more elaborate destination vacation we took a few years back; we also did some shopping on the way there and back, and it was nice because it broke up a lengthy car drive and made for fun travel, but the main part of the vacation was a theme park (where we had a blast).  We're going on an expensive trip next winter, so this last week was just mostly small, local activities.  This was, I think, his idea of a day trip, but it was... not well-timed and not well-discussed.
SunRuanEr
 subscriber, 215 posts
Fri 28 Feb 2020
at 21:21
Stupid car
I hate my eldest child's car so much. It's in the shop at least three times a year, something's always broken on it even when it isn't, it's ridiculously difficult to fix even when things can be repaired because it's a flipping Mini, and I generally just want to stuff it full of fireworks and put it out of its misery. I can't sell it and get them something sensible and non-crappy because it's in the ex's name and not mine, and said ex thought it was a wonderful idea to give a ragged-out Mini with over 150k miles on it to an at-the-time teenager because they were too lazy to sell it (when the kid had a different car already, which they took away to replace with the Mini, and then sold), and then said teenager thought the Mini was "too cool" to give up, even when offered a much more sensible, lower mileage, cheaper to insure, in better shape Honda Accord FOR FREE six months later.

...and now I have to let the kid borrow my car because they're supposed to take their sibling to a basketball game tomorrow (and the sibling doesn't deserve to have to miss the game because the Mini's a hot stinking pile of garbage), and the stupid thing's in the shop again and their other parent is (conveniently) out of town.

Stupid car. I don't know if all Minis are like this, but dear god I hate this one so much.

This message was last edited by the user at 21:24, Fri 28 Feb.

OceanLake
 supporter, 1102 posts
Sat 29 Feb 2020
at 04:46
Stupid car
Who pays for the repairs?
SunRuanEr
 subscriber, 216 posts
Sat 29 Feb 2020
at 14:26
Stupid car
Not me, thankfully, but only because I put my foot down over a year ago and said I wasn't paying anything else for it. Usually the kid and their dad wind up paying some combination of costs. If he thinks it's "her fault" (somehow, a timing chain was driver error, as example) he makes her pay for it entirely.

Edit: Asked her what the mileage was on it when she showed up to get my car this morning. I quoted woefully low - it's at 285k now, on a 12 year-old vehicle. *shudders*

This message was last edited by the user at 16:18, Sat 29 Feb.

Ski-Bird
 subscriber, 73 posts
Sat 29 Feb 2020
at 16:30
Stupid car
I would walk away from the Mini.  If this thing is being a bit of a money pit, there are thousands (tens of thousands) of cars that you guys could opt to replace it with.  Never underestimate the value of a $2,000 beater.

The sting of paying the $2,000 upfront will be offset by not bringing the Mini in to the garage every two months.
SunRuanEr
 subscriber, 217 posts
Sat 29 Feb 2020
at 17:24
Stupid car
Oh, believe me, I know. I just can't convince either of the parties that can legally make that call (the kid, who is an actual adult now, or my ex who owns it) that it's in their best interests to do so. One's irresponsible and lazy, and the other isn't yet past thinking that "cool" things are worth paying for. Which one is which depends on the day.

If I had enough disposable income lying around to just up and buy her another car, I would. Even then it would probably be a waste (per the mention of turning down the free Honda Accord she was offered last year) because she's foolishly in love with the Mini and refuses any replacement other than MY car - which she repeatedly makes comments about 'When can I have your car?' Unfortunately for her, despite being almost twenty years old, it's under 90k miles and in great condition and I love it and am therefore not ready to part with it any time soon. Certainly not just to save her and her dad from their own stupidity.

Dumb cars. Dumb young adults. Dumb parents buying their kids' love with 'cool' things that are impractical.
OceanLake
 supporter, 1103 posts
Sat 29 Feb 2020
at 20:32
Stupid car
I suggest:
No borrowing your car.
No ever giving her your car unless you already promised to do so.
Tough love

(Alas, easy to give such advice)
Silverlock
 member, 107 posts
Sun 1 Mar 2020
at 20:54
Blamestorming at work
How is it that 7, yes, 7 bosses of my 9 bosses (yes, convinced I work for Ring wraiths) hold a 1.5 hour meeting on who to blame for not running a test on a specific sample when 1 boss selects the schedule; another boss is supposed to check it that the proper tests be run, having access to that information, a higher boss is supposed to check THAT, then a higher boss still is supposed to check HIS work, and then the boss of the sampling crew is supposed to check 'does this look right, as he am the one who oversees the paperwork after the previous bosses pass it along to me' and the boss below that one is supposed to check for the same thing, then the next boss in charge of what comes into the lab for lab work is supposed to check for that same thing again.....And when all of them fail to do their assigned work, for which they are paid handsomely, they all desperately try to point the finger of blame at the two unfortunates at the very bottom of the ladder, who are the mere flunkies following their written orders (the orders that were supposed to be checked by said bosses).  These are the flunkies who would be told they are wasting company time and resources if they sampled anything incorrectly, mind you.  The more bosses I have, the less work they do, and now that they all figure the OTHER boss will do the work, none of the work gets done and they blame the two poorest paid not-boss workers in the chain for their mistake.  Did I mention that tax payers are paying their lavish salaries ?  And, more unfortunately, the people who need to be told that this waste goes on are the relatives of said aforementioned bosses, so you know that's not going to be corrected. Perhaps some other relative must be hired as a boss, since 7 of them are not enough to their jobs correctly.  Now all the bosses are angry and looking for trouble.
CrazyIvan777
 member, 285 posts
Sat 7 Mar 2020
at 14:33
Blamestorming at work
Two years ago I had, within a one-hour drive, seven different people who I could hang out with, take in a movie, game, have lunch or dinner, what-have-you. Normal friend stuff.
Since then, two have moved out of the country, two have moved out of state, two just don't hang out with me anymore, and one... the one I considered a best friend... ghosted me. Just stopped talking at all. I don't know why, and I may never.
But hey, it's okay! When I say I'm going to run a game, people come flocking! Yep, absolutely! I can absolutely GM and write and run games for folks. I mean, I'm good at that.
When the game ends, of course, everyone's ready to talk to each other and make plans for other stuff. I mean, not with -me-, of course. That'd be... foolish? I guess?
I'm not going to stop running games. I -like- running games.
And I feel that if I stopped? No one would interact with me at all.
And yes, I know. Suggest. I have. I've suggested lunches. I've suggested movies. I've suggested just getting together to hang out. In response, I get empty promises. Lunch? Yes, one of them said that'd be a great idea... mid-January. Hang out? Sure! Oh, making definite plans for it? Total silence. Rain-check for a meet-up? A lot of hemming and hawing.
I feel so damn alone. I feel like no one really wants to interact with me face-to-face anymore.
I feel like if I vanished, no one would really miss me. Maybe they'd miss the games, but they wouldn't miss me.
tibiotarsus
 member, 126 posts
 Hopepunk with a shovel
Sat 7 Mar 2020
at 16:46
On fair-weather friends
Maybe check in with the good friend that vanished, since something bad might have happened to them, or to their brain: I know my instincts when badly ill, mentally or physically, go something like "pretend nothing is wrong...crawl under a porch to die...if you survive this bout, spend ages finding the courage and social energy to go about apologising..." Depression thins down the communicative centres of the brain, too, so...if there was no argument involved and you haven't changed dramatically enough to not be the person they made friends with recently, check up on them because it's probably not you.

Otherwise, aside from telling them how you feel you folk don't just hang out enough, I think you need better or/and non-gaming friends. If you can volunteer somewhere, or find somewhere local or online that caters to other hobbies you have, that's a good place to encounter people with similar interests you might get on with.
KingHenryBlack
 member, 35 posts
Sat 7 Mar 2020
at 17:31
On fair-weather friends
   I've had the same thing when it came to friends; when I adverted for a game beginning, people came out of the woodwork to ask if they could play - they raved about my games and always seemed to enjoy the atmosphere and effort I put into them. But outside of the game, I wasn't invited elsewhere and always felt like a 3rd wheel on a bicycle whenever I went with them to a movie or something else. It got frustrating after a while, and I eventually walked away from those same people after my breakdown 6 years ago. I never knew if it was me or them that was the problem, and even occasionally, I still wonder ...

   I can count on one hand - and have fingers left over - how many friends I have, and only 1 of those I would consider a 'best friend'. I haven't seen him in almost a year now physically, but I keep in touch through Email and Facebook (yes, *that* place), but my circle of friends has always been small since I was in High School during the Middle Ages. :)

   I'd suggest possibly that you might try and go out to meet others, and find people on your own to enhance your circle. If there are things other than gaming that interest you, find a club and ask to join. What tibiotarsus says is true - there are other places where you could find new friends and enjoy a better quality of life. Go forth and have fun ... and you might find some people to share it with, along the way.

Cheers.
witchdoctor
 member, 173 posts
 ᏣᏔᎩ
Sat 7 Mar 2020
at 21:45
On fair-weather friends
I think that CrazyIvan777's experience is pretty common.  The same thing has happened to me post-college.  In college there was ALWAYS someone, usually a handful of someones, around wanting to hang out, go somewhere, do things together, etc...  Post college that number has dramatically thinned out to the point of only seeing some of them when they're logged into the PlayStation Network and they pop up on my 'friends list', beyond that they never call or text or FB messenger me or anything.
  I used to think we were a pretty tight group but proximity was the catalyst it seemed.  Some of that group still hang out and play tabletop/online together but I rarely get to join in because my work schedule is the polar opposite of theirs.  I try to stay in contact with them but it's really difficult these days despite the communications abilities of modern Life.  Such are First World, 21st century problems...

This message was last edited by the user at 05:43, Sun 08 Mar.

GreenTongue
 member, 915 posts
 Game Archaeologist
Sat 7 Mar 2020
at 22:12
On fair-weather friends
I believe you can thank the instant feedback provided by a cellphone.
Compared to that people are boring.
Like the difference between reading and a movie.
Best I can tell people would much rather watch a movie than read a book about the same subject.
So, instead of the "boring" interaction of talking, they interact with their phone.
OceanLake
 supporter, 1104 posts
Sun 8 Mar 2020
at 00:23
On fair-weather friends
Suggestion: Learn to play bridge and find groups. You'll be welcomed, and one or more will be happy to tutor you. In general, find groups that have the same interests as you. If you keep fishing in these pools, you'll eventually land one or more persons who relish companionship.
Isida KepTukari
 member, 342 posts
 Elegant! Arrogant! Smart!
Sun 8 Mar 2020
at 00:44
On fair-weather friends
Or perhaps a local library or gaming store has some board-gaming nights. Those don't require the intense time investment of RPGs, and since you are mutually entertaining each other (unlike an RPG where the burden is usually more on the GM) you might be able to find people who like games, but are more chatty and willing to talk or interact in ways outside of games.
KaiWriter
 member, 61 posts
Sun 8 Mar 2020
at 17:46
On fair-weather friends
If you play something that has an official league (something like D&D's Adventurer's League or Paizo's Pathfinder/Starfinder Society), get involved with it.  If you're looking for more games, you might be able to suss out more interested parties at things like that- usually there could be people who play there and then have other groups.
GreenTongue
 member, 916 posts
 Game Archaeologist
Sun 8 Mar 2020
at 17:54
On fair-weather friends
I play Magic the Gather's Commander / EDH format for this very reason.
People need opponents to play against.
If you show up, some will play.
Silverlock
 member, 108 posts
Sun 8 Mar 2020
at 19:25
On fair-weather friends
There used to be a brick-and-mortar game store within easy driving distance where a game could be found any night.  The same group of gamers would hang out, eventually wind up at the all-night diner, and break up about 3 am as we had work the next day.  This went on for a while until the game store began cutting its hours, then changed owners, and then the group splintered into the 'clique' and the 'nobodies'.  The 'nobodies' were good enough to game with, have GM a game for the 'clique' but NOT good enough to be included in any 'clique' events, etc.  I was a nobody.  The only clique member that can recall my name only speaks to me when he wants to buy - very cheap - my extensive collection of painted miniatures, which he plans to sell.  Bad news; there are a lot more bad people who will act like a friend and be worse than an enemy to you.  If I knew how to find good friends, I'd share the knowledge, cos I have very few people in my life I could call friend, and it's not for lack of trying.  We invited 50 people to a party to celebrate a major birthday and a retirement, and 20 showed up.  The OLDEST friends showed up.  The more recent showed up late.  Good luck finding a decent human being out there; joining a gaming club will at least get you some human interaction though.
GreenTongue
 member, 917 posts
 Game Archaeologist
Mon 9 Mar 2020
at 12:52
On fair-weather friends
I have been lucky I guess. The gaming store I go to has a sign-up sheet for "pods" (group of 4) and anyone can signup. This really helps getting people to play with.

I'm in my 60's and often not the first choice for others to play with but over time I have played with a lot of the regulars. Now, I usually don't have a problem finding people to play with there.
I have found that once you become a "known quantity" you become accepted.

Outside of the store they may not want to hang out with me but that's fine. When I was younger it was a lot easier but this is a common problem.
From what I read, it is a serious problem with older people. Their skill at meeting people has atrophied and they become isolated and depressed.

Gotta get out and get exposure.
There should be more places for older people but if nobody makes them, they will not come.

Online is a substitute but not the same as live.
CrazyIvan777
 member, 287 posts
Wed 11 Mar 2020
at 20:42
Re: On fair-weather friends
GreenTongue:
From what I read, it is a serious problem with older people. Their skill at meeting people has atrophied and they become isolated and depressed.

Gotta get out and get exposure.
There should be more places for older people but if nobody makes them, they will not come.

Online is a substitute but not the same as live.


Very true. Very true. And I'm slowly coming to realize that, while I want the companionship I had before, it's not realistic to get that again. Instead, I have to start to rebuild. But what you said about atrophied social energies, that's... really the case.

So I've decided to just say 'yes' to anything people are doing. I hear about a book club? I'm in. A playtest of a LARP? Yep. On my schedule. Movie outing? Ye.... wait, I have something else scheduled that day.
But yeah. I need to get out there. And I'm doing it as much as I can.
SunRuanEr
 subscriber, 228 posts
Wed 25 Mar 2020
at 22:55
Shelter-in-place orders.
So the counties around mine have issued Shelter in Place orders. This is not a rant about being under one of those.

As a courtesy, the local news put out a video listing what you can and can't do, under the order.

On the list of things you CAN do? Play Golf.

Play. <profanities go here>. Golf. And specifically Golf. Not any other sport. Just Golf.

WHY UNDER THE SUN IS THAT ALLOWED? /headdesk
ShadoPrism
 member, 1304 posts
 OCGD-Obsessive-Compulsive
 Gamer-Disorder
Thu 26 Mar 2020
at 00:08
Shelter-in-place orders.
In reply to SunRuanEr (msg # 1549):

cause it is really built in to the game to have social distancing. individual or small groups, very far apart.