Starchaser
 member, 754 posts
Tue 3 Nov 2020
at 05:14
Exercising some demons
So I've gotten into one of 'those' moods again. I'm finding myself wide awake at 4am with things on my mind. Rather than lay in bed trying to sleep I decided to put this down in text and post it to exorcise the  demons. This is very much a TLDR post and the ramblings of a sleep deprived mind so feel free to ignore if you wish.

Now don't get me wrong I'm not unhappy as such or angry or annoyed at anything as such. I have my RL issues the same as everyone else but I have my immediate family which I'm greatful for. It isn't perfect but it works.

I'm also happy in this hobby, too. I am quite busy actually. I'm running a few games, playing in a few others. I have one or two in planning and under discussion. I'm not complaining there, either.

What I do have is a whole bunch of regrets around messed up friendships, lost opportunities and also a huge amount of confusion over communication breakdowns and at times severe reactions and misunderstandings.

So aside from immediate family there arent that many people in our lives. On one side (my spouses) we have very abusive family members. On my side we have indifferent family members. We are close friends with a single other couple and an old mate of mine who I've known for years. That's it. Almost zero support network. Perhaps that's why I attach more importance to online connections than perhaps others do.

Now I'm not stupid. I know that online friendships are no substitute for the real thing and that people are different online to how they are in real life. I did get too emotionally attached to someone online once and it caused me a lot of emotional damage so I'm also much more wary than I used to be. However I still consider some people on here friends and I do still feel loss when those friendships break down.

I can think of at least three people on here who I consider friends. They may see it otherwise, I dunno but there is one guy who I really admire even though I know very little about him beyond how he behaves on here and toward me. There's a woman who I know a bit more about and I admire both for her writing skills, her vocal talent (she may disagree) and her strength in the face of a condition she has to live with. There's another woman who I consider a long term friend and who is funny, compassionate, far more intelligent than I can ever hope to be, and who has been extremely supportive to me, to the point of keeping me just the right side of sane.

And then theres these people I occasionally encounter who are just judgemental and hostile and nasty from day one. Like I remember about 1 to 2 years ago I rtjed for a game and they took a look at my profile (its different now to what it was back then) and gave me the most condescending, patronizing and hurtful response I've ever received. Based, I can only assume, on assumptions regarding my preferences in terms of roleplaying partners. They likened my preferences to a fetish and even had the gaul to link to a definition of the word as though I was some brainless neanderthall who needed educating.

Lets get one thing straight. I NEVER objectify anyone, woman, man or non binary. I also have a huge amount of respect for both women and for Asian culture. If this person had taken time to get to know me or just asked for simple clarification then they would have realized that. Instead they felt the need to rip strips off me. So this was a complete stranger but it still hurt. Like gut wrenchingly hurt. It chipped away yet another bit of my already dwindling self confidence. And I mean why? Just why?

And then there's the really confusing stuff. Now I once lost a good friend on here and I was at least partially my fault. For starters I got too emotionally involved with them and secondly I was in a dark place. I miss them but I think in the end it was for the best. It would be stupid to go back there now.

But I had another friend here once who I was quite close to as well (though not emotionally involved). At some point that friendship broke down and I still don't know why. It was never really discussed or explained. But I miss her too.

So I joined a game and start interacting with this character and realise quite quickly that its being played by her. She realized it was me, too and so pms started happening. So here was the chance to try and repair the friendship, right? Wrong! You see one of the GMs of this game was reading the pms and for whatever reason took it upon themselves to assume I was somehow stalking this other player. So did they pull me to one side to politely discuss it? No. They blew up at me straight away. Swore at me. Made me feel so uncomfortable that I left the game.

Again that gut wrenching pain. Again, for the love of god, Why?

Why are some people like this? Why are they so hostile? Why don't they take a step back and think? Or just bloody talk to me about it for gods sake!

This message was last updated by a moderator, as it was against the ToU, at 16:58, Tue 03 Nov.

Ski-Bird
 subscriber, 127 posts
Tue 3 Nov 2020
at 06:04
Exercising some demons
This wasn't in the Vents Without Replies thread so I'm assuming that you're after some sort of constructive feedback here.

I read a very helpful book a while back that explained how to let go of unwanted hurts and drama in your life.

The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom  by Don Miguel Ruiz

As self help books go, it was an easy read (if a tad metaphysical) and I enjoyed it very much.

[One of the four agreements, by the way, is to not take anything personally ... and it really sounds like you could use a dose this of in your current predicament]
Starchaser
 member, 755 posts
Tue 3 Nov 2020
at 07:31
Exercising some demons
Thanks for the recommendation. I'll see if I can get hold of a copy later today. ( ̄∇ ̄)
rastashana
 member, 12 posts
Tue 3 Nov 2020
at 15:54
Exercising some demons
RPOL is based on consent and listening. No means No. I won't go into particulars but stalking is stalking. Get over it. If someone says no, they mean it. It does not mean you will wait for them because they want absolutely nothing to do with you. I will say I am one of the 3 GM for that game and I watched the train wreck and had to step in when you went over the line by 20 miles. Please get help, you were stalking her online. Its that simple.

This message was last updated by a moderator, as it was against the ToU, at 16:56, Tue 03 Nov.

silentmouse
 member, 9 posts
Tue 3 Nov 2020
at 16:00
Exercising some demons
And on that note, when a player reaches out to the GMs for help getting someone to stop talking to them, it's kind of the GMs responsibility to step in and do just that. When the evidence of a behavior is clearly laid out in writing, it's hard to not see it.

As for you, I would suggest learning how to communicate with others, specifically active listening. It's a technique not many seem to know about and might help in the long run both in connections here and in your RL.

This message had punctuation tweaked by a moderator, as it was against the ToU, at 17:09, Tue 03 Nov.

bigbadron
 moderator, 15960 posts
 He's big, he's bad,
 but mostly he's Ron.
Tue 3 Nov 2020
at 16:52
Exercising some demons
Closing this thread, since it is in breach of the site's rules.