Idea Stolen from Community Chat's Malakhon:

The idea here is you say something that cannot or should not be done in an RPG game, or some rule or crazy policy in an RPG game.  These can be real or made up, but should be funny.

After posting the thing in the list, you can make comments if you desire, or explain a funny thing that really happened.

As you can see from this starter list, the actual things can vary a lot:

1. There is no Gnomish god of heavy artillery.
2. My 7th Sea character Boudreaux is not 'Southern' Montaigne.
3. Not allowed to blow all my skill points on 1pt professional skills.
4. Synchronized panicking is not a proper battle plan.
5. Not allowed to use psychic powers to do the dishes.
6. My monk's lips must be in sync.
7. Not allowed to berserk for the hell of it, especially during royal masquerades.
8. Must learn at least one offensive or defensive spell if I'm the sorcerer.
9. Ogres are not kosher.
10. Plan B is not automatically twice as much gunpowder as Plan A.
11. I will not beat Tomb of Horrors in less than 10 minutes from memory.
12. There is no such thing as a Gnomish Pygmy War Rhino.
14. Even if the rules allow it, I am not allowed to summon 50,000 Blue Whales.
15. The green elf does not need food badly.
16. Say "My Power Level is Over 9000"
17. Say "I am a Snorlax, and I am blocking the path, too bad, so sad"
18. Once I get my Knight or Wizard rolled up in your game, go into the tavern and invite people to recursively roleplay by having OUR characters roll up   characters of their own, as they imagine going on exciting adventures of their own by candle light.
19. If I DO actually recursively roleplay despite no longer being allowed too, I will limit it to just one iteration, so that the characters of my character will not begin roleplaying.
20. Say "You should play Gurps, Dude!"

Here is the thread where this was taken from:
link to a message in another game

You can steal funny quips from that thread if you can't think of one yourself.
This message was last edited by the GM at 22:40, Fri 10 June 2011.

21: I will never again underestimate the power of a Rimefire Griffin by insulting it in Dwarven at every opportunity I get, even if said Griffin is owned by an Elf.

22: I will also not do the above to a Wyvern.

23: I'm no longer allowed to build a DemiGod Scion of Odin whose main goal in life is to manipulate every major terrorist group, divine or mortal, to go to war with each other, thus causing World War 3, bringing about the Ragnarok of the mortal World, and thus betraying the other members of my band.

24: I'm also not allowed to build the above as a pervert in any game with my cousins. Contrary to popular belief, 14 years old is much too young to be exposed to such things.

25: I will not Destroy all of a GM's plots before they even come into fruition.

26: I may not use 'The Simpsons did it!' as a legitimate excuse to de-rail any and all story plots the GM creates.

27: I may not compare everything in any RPG to any episode of The Simpsons.

28: I may not reference The Simpsons in any way/shape/form in any context in any game from now on.

All of these are posts of mine in the forum ^_^

29: players may not cut off the arms of conquered enemies to pull the tendons on said arms to make the hands give rude gestures to the enemy who was just conquered (and dismembered).

30. I am not proud to be a Benraku from Renraku.

31. use an absent player's character to test chests for traps by opening them while you stand around behind a corner

32. Shooting the GMs NPC in mid-speech of something plot driven.

33. Inviting "Dudes" to my gurps game.
This message was last edited by the player at 23:27, Mon 13 June 2011.

34. Kill another PC in his sleep due to an out of game dispute.

35. State your character has super powers just cause you drink mountain dew.

"36. I am not allowed to make a character that talks so much that other characters voluntarily deafen themselves
37. I am not allowed to play an elven porn star with decades of experience.
38. I am not allowed to summon a celestial elephant above my opponent's head, and then calculate the damage he would take from said elephant falling on his head
39. Neither am I allowed to do the same with a kraken
40. I am not allowed to complete a quest without ever leaving the bar
41. I am not allowed to cast Implosion on the wizard's weasel familiar to make it go "pop""

42. I am not allowed to make a ten year old with an Intimidation score higher than his age.
43. Lawful Good Paladins are not required to constantly hum Kid Charlemagne.
44. I am not allowed to erotically describe how I 'slit the coin purse' as a rogue.
45. I am not allowed to uses explosive poetry: Roses are red, violets are blue, I just cast, exploding runes on you.

46. Sorry no planet of the Nymphos
47. No you can't have a 6 foot tall Scantily Clad Warrior Maiden
48. I am not going to roll up 100 allies.
49. No there is no ring of GM control.
50. No you can't build a ship out of Nanobots.
This message was last edited by the player at 08:31, Thu 16 June 2011.

51. change your eye color from blue to gray when its already been written the eye color being blue
52. shooting magic missile at the darkness.

53: I will not create a single ring that gives ultimate powers... agin

54. No you can't have milky white pupils and not be blind
55. No your character can't have an affinity for every single element
56. No your character can't transform in a monster for a special effect.
56. No I won't run a DBZ game.
This message was last edited by the player at 12:01, Fri 17 June 2011.

57. no you cant use yourself as a mini.
58. "i can swing for d6+3 damage" fighter. " that is neat, um whats a d6+4 damage?" local king.
59. can not metagame but can use personal knowledge.

60. Portable holes are not good hiding places for pets or babies, kind of like refrigerators.

61. I will not quote Monty Python incessantly just because I know it drives the DM mad.

62.  You should not make a wizard or mage without the intelligence to cast their spells.

63.  I can not make another elven blue mage from the plane of lust and use enhance breasts to pop off men's armor.

64.  You may not play a Drizzt knockoff.  Ever

65.  I can't use Colossal Gay Al to frighten, not the characters, but the players.

66. You must never ever metagame.  It is poison!

67.  You cannot try lighting a real fire to scare away the Elder Gods.

67. I cannot make up nicknames for other characters based on body parts.

68. There are no official rules for simulating a pissing contest.  In any game.  So don't.

69. I am not allowed to throw metal dice at anyone to object to a roll.

70. Your bluff skill does not help you bluff the DM.

71. what you mean i fell down 100ft, rolling over spikes, then landing in a pool of lava and die? i am wearing +1 armor.

72. Don't split the party!

73. Try to convince players with lesser vocabulary that the guano in the caves tastes good.

74. Making sexual innuendos around high ranking officials or royalty is not considered acceptable.

75. Pray to the god of Doritos.

76. Making the DM your deity will not help you.

77. Using a medusa's severed head will not turn a stone golem to stone no matter how many times you try.

78. There is no Supreme God of Junk Food

79. I'm no longer allowed to try and create said god

80.  There is no non-weapon proficiency for pimping (regardless of your ability to attract henchmen and followers).
This message was last edited by the GM at 00:21, Wed 29 June 2011.

81. My 18 Intelligence CN Transmuter is not allowed to convince the 8 Intelligence LN Fighter that the 'Prime Material Plane' is not, in fact, the plane we are currently existing on and that yes, it is quite fine if the evil god we were fighting destroys it in exchange for infinite knowledge and immortality.

82. A baby does not count as an improvised weapon.

82. can't talk about fight club.

83. You do not get roleplaying experience for punning.

awww, why not?

84. You do not get experience points for picking lice from ogre hair.

85. A penis is not a natural weapon and does not cause damage.

86.  You cannot raise enemies from the dead and kill them for extra experience points.

87. For the hundredth time, no, your character doesn't have a copy of the Monster Manual.

87 A. Nor the Players Handbook
87 B. Or the Dungeon Masters Guide
87 C. Or any other likeiwse affiliated material (campaign guides, class books etc.)

88. Flatulence is not a valid fuel for lighting a fire

Mythbusters respectfully disagrees.

I think it's more the supply then it is the physics behind it. You can't really figure out how much gas someone would have in an RPG at any given time. :P


89. I am not allowed to switch out one of the DM's d20's with the special d10 that is the same shape as a d20 during combat.

90: I will not tie a rope to my sword throw it in the celling, swing across the lava pit, land on the dragon, kill it, roll off away from where the body might crush me, while said rolling, I will not end up in the tresure where iI find the most powerfull thing that comes to mind, that said object cannot be a sawed-off shotgun either

91. I cannot order my revolutionaries to walk out of airlock just for the fun of it regardless how much my total is on persuasion roll.

92. Six successes on difficulty 8 is not enough to persuade Sisters of Ra to abandon defending their monastery and follow me in frontal assault on gates of a castle of demon prince. (This one actually happened. GM said "Beat them on Charisma+Leadership difficulty 8" and I did. He then overruled the roll.)

93. I will not take my top off when using special skill "charisma dance"

94. Excessive flatulence is not a proper Non-Weapon Proficiency...nor is it a proper Weapon Proficiency!

Please do.

I have to agree here.

93-A. Vixcis has to come to gaming sessions topless. Or at least in that maid costume she has.

I have a feeling that I've already won post of the month award ;))))

Next you will learn that Vixcis is really a 40 year old hairy man weighing 300 pounds.  :)

She is 40-something, but she's not a man. I'm certain of that.

I know.  I'm just trying to give you a mental image that will blow your mind.

In reply to Heath (msg #56):

Believe me, at the place I work, I've seen worse. Try imagining a 500+ pound 60 year old with more hair on his chest and stomach then most people have on their heads, who's wearing a flannel button-up that wasn't buttoned up...


*shudder*

I forget what number were on: I will not destroy other players with planet destroying unholy end of the world powers for calling me a 40 year old large hairy man!!! Especially when I am neither 40 nor a large hairy man. And I will not bash their skulls in with a mace 26 times! One time for every year I have plauged the earth. I will not rip out their bones and use them to make wind chimes....although I will be SORELY tempted

That was 95. We were on 94 before.

96? Other player shoul not pick up and kiss the zombie experimenting mouse's ears, or any other part for that matter

97: Said mouse will not unleash z-day destruction just because of before mentioned senario :) no matter how 'fun' it would be for all of us

98: I may not ask for Vixcis' phone number.

99.  You cannot reanimate just the middle finger of a corpse.

100. Having multiple grappling hooks does not make you Spiderman!

101.  You cannot use Purify Food and Drink to identify the undead.

102. You can't pretend Vixcis is a middle aged fat man to ward off harpies and sirens because she will take revenge against such misrepresentations.

103. You can't just switch alignments and call it character development.

104. You can't pretend the legendary sword you just got is cursed in order to keep others from wanting to split it in the loot.

Of course you can! Isn't that what Borimer did? XD


104.A: Nor can you do that with anything else you've tried on before getting it identified, claiming 'It won't come off!' when you simply don't want to give it up.

104B. Nor can you pretend that your Bag of Holding got a hole in the bottom and all the treasure inside was lost.

-Still holding that against Borimer, eh?  Just because he beat you up to get his sword back...

His was actually cursed, though it was also magically enhanced and intelligent.

105. Complaining about lightning striking annoying player's characters will gain nothing.

106. backstab a plant

107. A book may have a spine but that doesn't mean you can backstab it.

108. A beholder's eye stalks cannot be used like reins to ride it like a horse.

109: You can't cast Magic Missile without a legal target.
109A: No, 'The Darkness' doesn't count as legal.

110: Rust monsters cannot be hurled at Iron Golems.

111: There is no ability modifier for urination!

112: No you canno't skin a human for the sole purpose of wearing them like a suit and asking people "Would you $#@* me? I'd #$%* me"

113: No, you can't put a resurrection spell into a chocolate candy and then say, "Life is like a box of chocolates."

114: Asking for Roleplaying XP just for speaking in character is sad.

115. Give out experience as a PC

116: Just because you know how to build a gun does not mean your character can.

117:  The HP for centaurs stands for hit points, not horsepower.

(I had to steal that one from CC; too good to waste.)

Gamers dorkness rising?

118: The Dm cannot let the evil priest live through two explosions

119: A Dm shouldn't (though very tempting) bring a rosted chicke back too life
119A: Said chicken can't kill the bard just because he has one hp left

Shhhh... nobody was supposed to get that reference.

120. Your horse is not a motorcycle so don't try to use it like one.

121.  Calling "dibs" on treasure every time it is mentioned in a map, by an NPC, or in any way by anyone.

OOC: I read this thread quickly at 6:30am in bed, woke my girlfriend up by laughing so hard, she asked what I was doing & I said 'nothing', kept asking finally I said "reading something about roleplaying", to which she responded, "oh.  Uh huh." and then, even less interested and perhaps more annoyed, rolled over.

122. Carry multiple pole arms, swords, bows, several quivers maxed with arrows, chests, and a bunch of loose gold coins, throw all of that in a non-magical backpack, and then attempt to run.  (Although I would love to see it attempted in a slow motion youtube video!!)
This message was last edited by the player at 16:12, Fri 19 Aug 2011.

123. Animal husbandry is not the best non-weapon proficiency you can have, and especially not if you roleplay it too much.

124.  Miss the entire adventure bc you want to roleplay 'in-game' using your seduction skills to seduce all the wenches at the inn.
This message was last edited by the player at 19:07, Fri 19 Aug 2011.

125: Some crimes have the death penalty no matter what Elder Scrolls taught you.

126. Deliberately pursuing getting insanity or becoming delusional more than your character pursues success, and then roleplaying that insane character for months.

127. Messing up the game session by spending more time recounting old game scenarios or old characters.  "When we ran this module last time, only reliable Arduin survived!  Those Dire Rats in room 4 were deadly!"

OOC Of Doom: Actually my game glitches so when I kill to many people (innocent people, bystanders and other-wise people that if you kill you get fined and what not) I get a permanet fine of money (Which, from when I decide to rampage, is too high to pay) and either, A go to jail till It fixes it's self OR constent harrasment from guards that get really annoying when the bodies pile up too high :(

128: No I will not let you ressurect the boss and kill him again for more loot... This ain't world o' warcrack

129: Never question the mysterious disappearances of a PC's overpowered items.

!E@-130:  Don't be surprised if enemy figures suddenly go away when you'r not looking

131: I will not get the omni-world-ending-weapon, and then trade it for a female character's number

132. "What do you mean, when do the minions re-spawn?!?  This is not a computer game!"
(Then GM rolls on random encounter table.)

133: I will not kidnap the Large Orc's beautiful wife...
133A: Nor will i kidnap his Daughters
133B: Or his sword
133C: Or shake down his home
133D: Or pillage HIS village

Moral of the story...it doesn't end well

134. No, you can't have a 'bag of holding' in this (non D&D) game!

135: Contrary to Fable II, we cannot dig up new and working condoms from the ground...

136. You can't swim in full plate armor!
137. You can't carry massive amounts of treasure, throw the chests in your backpack, and then jog non-stop to a market to sell it!
138. You can't have a vorpal sword that only cuts bra-strings, belts, and garters!
139. Of course you can roleplay what your spellcasting would look like -- but you can't ask for that to radically change how the spell works!

We can't? *puts vorpal sword that only cuts bra-strings, belts, and garters away*
This message was last edited by the player at 11:23, Sun 04 Sept 2011.

138 b:You CAN have an axe with the same traits though

140: I will not use my strongest spell to kill the cockaroach by my foot...

141. You can't use your personal grooming spell to make the enemy barbarian look clean shaven, chest or bikini waxed, & his/her eyebrows plucked!

142: You may not use your Conjure Mount spell to have a horse fall on your enemies.

143. You may not use Conjure Mount to ride your horse inside the church / druidic holy vale / middle of the magic ritual / library / while flying.

144: I will not use my binding spells to restrict the female character...

145.  You can't use your Sword of Ogre Slaying and expect to get the bonus on people with low Charisma scores!

146: You cannot enchant your bed to repel ugly creatures...

147.  There is no 'Protection from Ugly Creatures' spell.

148. No, Paladins can't rape.

149.  No, your eidetic memory/photographic memory doesn't mean you can refer to the GM map!

150. I will not create a perverted spell

151. No damage will be taken from you yelling "lightning bolt lightning bolt" and throwing little yellow Z's at me

152.  You can't keep saying "Can't we?", Can't you?", "Can't they?" in Thieves Cant.

153.  No, your medieval, low intelligence character cannot use his wish for a thermonuclear device.

154.  No, just b/c your bard sings country love songs doesn't mean we have to hear the worst country music CD's every time they're singing.

155. No, you may not attack the darkness.

156. No, you can't fight naked to gain a dodge bonus.

157. You can complain all you want but don't get frustrated when lightning targets your character.

158. You may not possess a vorpal bunny of doom as a pet...

159.  No, when discussing topics you may not stroke your charisma 25 female were-cat familiar and say, "Sorry, I need a moment to consult with my familiar attractive shape-changing pussy"!

160. Next time someone ask if you're a god... you say yes!

161.  Just b/c you say you're a God and you wear silly God outfits, you shouldn't expect to have God-like powers channeled willy-nilly from the God you are impersonating.

162: I will not jump 4 stories to avoid the alligator I am know I am too weak to beat...

163. No your character can't commit suicide just bc you disagree with the GM.

164: I will not intentionally kill the plot character...to become the plot character...

165: You can't become evil just because they're winning!

166. No just bc you talk more doesn't mean your character gets more actions!

167: You cannot bring your own GM screen and usurp the DM.

168.  You can't talk louder than the GM and claim that whoever speaks louder gets to say what happens.

169: Don't use the internet to solve riddles!

170. No, you can't grow hemp as your magical Druidic herb!

171.  No you can't keep speaking in gibberish and asking the GM, "does THAT mean anything in their language"?

172. Selling your teammates into slavery is not a valid way to profit.

173. No, you can't track Ork/Trolls/Giants by their BO if you don't have tracking (or scent)!

174.  No, you can't wave your magic wand inside your robe to cast spells!!

175. No you can't wave your magic wand inside your pants to cast love spells

^^^Unless you're attractive...then you go ahead

176: ZOMBIES make meat shields, PLAYERS do not -.-

177. No, even though you were a PC, once you are fully taken over by the zombie infection you don't get EXP by eating the party's brains!

This one kept me laughing for about an hour XD

178. No your character cannot back flip off the 1000 ft cliff, do a mid air spin attatch a dagger tail to his leg, and kick the mountain to latch said tail on. Catching onto a branch, and swinging up several hundred feet doing 4 more back flips and landing in the same position you just were...just to do it all again for 5 more posts just because you like it...

179.  No, just b/c your character is crazy doesn't mean you can act crazy the entire game -- including out-of-character.

180. You can't change the house rules just because you're hosting this session.

181. You can't leave the sound turned way up on your mobile phone just to hear your dice simulator app's synthetic dice noises!

182.  No, you can't go visit Dr. Akula for your bleeding instead of the leeches.

183. No, you can't successfully RTJ into a 'random character' RPG game and then endlessly hassle the GM with your hating of your character & asking to re-roll your character constantly!

184. You don't get roleplaying experience for remembering to go to the bathroom.

185. No, you don't get roleplaying experience for rules lawyering!
This message was last edited by the player at 07:23, Thu 08 Dec 2011.

186. Just because you know Elven doesn't mean your character does.

187.  No you can't change your character's skill point allocation in the middle of a combat!

188.  THERE ARE NO KLINGONS IN D&D!!!

189. No your D&D tinkerer can't have an atomic clock!

Orks??

190. No, you cannot use a wish to create a black hole over your enemy's head.

191. No, you can't convince a dragon it's a unicorn more than once.

True Story:

At a gaming convention circa 1990, Tracy Hickman was running a D&D game for Dragonlance.  One of the players created a half-orc character, and Hickman said something like:

192:  Half orc?  But there are no orcs on Krynn!

193. No you cannot make your own weapons simply because you're trained in guerrilla warfare and know how to make them. Napalm is too OP.

194. No, you cannot use the name MacGuyver again.

195. No you can't defeat Orcus simply by shooting him in the knee with your bow.

196.  No you can't bluff the boss baddie that your sword attack hurts it with a mortal wound!

197. No you can't use intimidate on Orcus once he's bloodied to make him surrender.

198.  No you can't sing bardic magic songs silently in Thieves' Cant!

199.  No, cracking your knuckles does not require a morale check by your opponents.

200.  No, you can't continuously 'pre-roll' your dice until right before your 'actual' roll to get the bad mojo out of your dice!

Woo hoo, #200!

201.  No, your wizard can't cast a spell on the dice you are about to roll to predetermine the result.

No you can't burn Mathilda at the stake just because you believe she confounded your dice with witchcraft!

202.  No you can't 'Godmod' and describe how the NPC's will react to your illusion spells!

203. No, Lord Vader is not your father...

204.  Sure you can use magic in D&D, but you can't walk around saying you're a Jedi and calling your telekinesis spells 'The Force'.

205. Welch's List is not a to-do list.

206. No, you can't enforce Murphy's Law against your opponents.

207. Just because Legolas fired arrows while on a shield sliding down a staircase does not mean you can!

208. No, a male medusa does not have snakes for his beard.

209. your character is not Bruce Willis.

210. No your character is not Chuck Norris

No, you can not become a god at Bard level 6.

212. No, a bard's "singing" skill does not create fires and does not have the root word "singe."

213. No you can't break down the reinforced steel door with your lute.

214.  No, "Life Sucks and Then You Die" cannot be your deity's motto.

215. No, you can't gain exp for roleplay by singing all of your bardic songs --  despite your playing a bard and your being a musician.

216. No you can't sit down and play an RPG game INSIDE this one!

217. You are not allowed to summon horses above your enemies to crush them.

218. No, you Lawful Alignment cannot guide you to the nearest Government Office!
This message was last edited by the player at 21:34, Tue 17 Jan 2012.

219.  No, you can't declare the GM's decision invalid because you cross-referenced the monster from the book & saw they fudged something.

220. Just because you can build a gun in real life doesn't mean your character can!

221.  No, just because you memorized the Monster Manual (+ all other books) doesn't mean your character knows the weakness of this monster (who they've never seen).

222.  You can't use Bull Rush to push someone off the edge of the table!

223. Dice landing on your miniature does not equate to a meteor storm

224.  No, begging the GM (and whining) won't get you a bonus to your roll!

225.  Yes, raising a white flag in the middle of battle will raise the morale of your opponents.

226.  No, raising a black flag in combat doesn't intimidate your enemies -- and no, they don't hear the punk rock music you just put on the stereo!

227. No you cant substitute 2d10 for a d20.

228.  No you can't fudge all your stats -- even if you did that when you were 13.

229. This is not World of Warcraft.  Do not complain about "the wait time for the next instance."

230.  No, you can't carry an armored chest around with you even if you can manage the weight (unless you have a cart or a magic object to carry it)!

231. You can't expect to gain roleplaying XP for going to the bathroom!

232.  Nor does it count toward your aiming proficiency.

233. You can't throw miniatures at the DM when angry.

234.  No you can't tell the GM when it's time to fudge rolls!

235.  No you can't play a prepubescent Elf who is 117 years old, has full stats & skills of a level 1 character, but gets a bluffing bonus for youthful innocence and can survive on breastmilk.

236.  Don't say "Critical tit", "gettin' whacko on the thaco", or "nerfed another nipic" in combat.

237.  You don't have to enhance the roleplay by shouting your dwarven family battlecry every melee.

238.  You don't have to memorize your dwarven lineage -- but if you do, don't get offended that no one else remembers it.

239.  Say "And I love you, Frodo" during another character's touching roleplay moment.

240.  In non-Champions (non-Heroes) games you don't need 30d6 'handy'.

241.  Don't argue with the God when it visits you with a message.

242.  Don't argue with the GM that you aren't afraid when you fail your fear save.  "But I wouldn't be afraid."

243.  No you don't have 'underwear of warmth and dryness' just because you're a snow elf.

244.  No Elves don't say "Here's an Elven melvin" when attacking from the rear.

245.  No, short dwarves are not call Dwarf dwarves, double-dwarfs, 1/2 dwarfs, DD's, dwarf midgets, or dwarf 'little people'.

246.  No, your Druid can't have magical wooden dentures.

247.  No, your ShadowRun/Cyberpunk Hacker can't hack the internet, you have to pick a specific target.

248.  No your Female Paladin can't castrate all male opponents just because she worships a Goddess of female chastity.

249.  Please don't sing us your bardic songs about our adventures in real-life accompanied by your lute.

250.  Please stop asking to roleplay out all your swordfight actions in real life.
This message was last edited by the player at 10:29, Sat 04 Feb 2012.

251.  No, you can't get a skull crack roll on a fungus...or on a gelatinous cube.

252.  No you can't seduce a gelatinous cube by bringing cubes of jello to the dungeon.

252A. Nor can you use the now-empty cups to scoop up the gelatinous cube to be eaten later. It really doesn't taste as good as it looks. Trust me.

252B.  Nor can you use the nasty slime-trail of the gelatinous cube for exfoliation lotion, for rust removal, nor as a thrown weapon in a bag.

253: No taking an arrow to the knee does not ruin your hero career

254. You do not get XP for killing defenseless commoners.

In reply to jioan (msg #207):

You should watch Gamers 2: Dorkness Rising for a funny scene regarding this.

255. No, you cannot use your charisma to convince people that the world is on the back of a giant turtle.

But what if, in your RPG, it is?

256.  No you can't use your +5 two-handed bastard sword to slice open envelopes at the post office at your full rate of attack for combat.

257.  You cant say to the GM "which answer will get me the most exp" when talking w/NPC's -- or I suppose you CAN so long as you don't expect a real answer.

258. No, there's no such thing as a natural die roll of 21 on a d20.
  Hint: if the DM offers to let you take 20... TAKE IT!

259. No, you cannot use a gelatinous cube as your familiar.

260.  Even if someone else's familiar looks like your familiar, you can't run around saying
"Hey, that familiar looks familiar to my familiar!" constantly -- but one time could be ok.

261.  No, you cannot choose digestional problems as a weakness and then use it as a gas cloud defensive maneuver.

262. But you can use digestion problems as a flaw if you stipulate that the resulting sounds made are a permanent penalty to your move silently checks...
 however, no, you probably wouldn't have a group for very long.  :)

263.  No you can't eat chili cheese fries and then play a game with friends and NOT expect people to yell at you when you out-gas!

Good one, Embri!

264. Eating onions does not translate into acid breath.

265. Solves problems with lots and lots of bullets is not a class ability.

266. I am no longer to attach strings to my fallen enemies and reenact other battles I have had in the past in a morbid puppet show.

267. Kneepads of allure are only alluring if you continue to have knees

268. For the last time, "RPG" is not the weapon you get, it's the type of game we're playing.

269. If you say, mention, or bring up the term 'banana hammock' you're getting a premade character. No exceptions.

270. Cast 'charm person' on every enemy attacking you until they are all your friends...Grant!  :)

271. No, you can't convert all the NPC's successfully to your religion and build up a giant church/horde while a level 1 Cleric, completely abandoning the adventure!

272. Know how to design a computer as a 12th level mage.

273. No you're Bikini CANNOT have an armor rating of +97

274.  No, your pale white skin can not be used as a modifier to blind the enemy.

275. Filing lawsuits against the monsters is not an attack...

...it's a reTORT...

lol just for you Heath

276. No, you can't sue the GM for malpractice when they fudge the NPC's rolls.

#277 A DM is not worship-able in any form

278. Even if you call the dungeon monster a "DM", when you successfully attack it, you don't get to stand up at the table and shout "hoo haa, I cut the DM's head off!"

279. No, you can't carry a towel everywhere and yes, you can panic.

280. Yes you may have a whip as a weapon, no you may not have nipple clamps as a secondary weapon.

281.  You can say that your heavy chainmail shirt is a skimpy chainmail bikini, but you don't automatically get a charisma bonus or daze attack for feints, tumbling, lunges, and (jiggling) jogging.

282. You may not cast Summon Monster I while flying 10 miles above ground just to splatter the poor townsfolk below.

283. Flinging your poo is not an attack

284.  No, the cleric can't bless the toilet (after going) and then say, "Holy Crap!"

285. No, you can't rip off Dogma and ask for a Holy Bartender at the local tavern...

286.  No, you can't get meta-game in the middle of your RPG and claim that you want to roll 'real world' initiative to determine who goes first in real-life, arguing that you have nimble high dexterity b/c of your small height and two years of judo as a pre-teen!!

287. You are not allowed to win rule disputes by dragging the opposition underneath the gaming table and shanking them with your pencil.

(based upon a true story)

288.  No, you can't kill a family of Orcs, including a bunch of unarmed Orc children, and claim that you are Good.
-- Wait a sec, you can?  What the heck...?

NEW TOPIC:


1. You are not allowed to sit on the toilet for 8 hours and ask to be paid for it.


As for the above, the story is actually about Warhammer minitures. When me and my friends would play, we would play for about an hour before spending 2 hours arguing about rules etc. (the earlier editions were notorious for conflicts and questionable rules and before the internet there wasn't an easy place to find an errata. No joke for one game we were actually using two different sets of rules from different editions :D)

Anyway, one friend got tired of the aruging, ducked underneath the gaming table, dragged the other guy underneath and threatened to shank him with a pencil if he didn't surrender the point.

Sounds Llike my way of handling things...I don't thnk you can change the topic in the game though the entire game is called "You cant do that...in RPGS"

2. Tell me how to waste my time. :p

289.  No, you can't just jump into an existing game and attempt to change genres just because you prefer something different.

Sorry, pp, I don't wanna change the topic to ... uh, whatever the heck it is you want to change it to.
If I get a vote, and I don't see why I wouldn't, I'd say -- go find your own thread!    :)

3. TELL ME HOW TO WASTE MY TIME!!!!


290. Keep shouting at the GM until you get your way.

291. As a matter of fact, the GM CAN roll for players when they don't want them to know if they 'made their save rolls' or not!

I agree with Rekz here. If you want a new thread, Prague, you'll have to suggest it in the Suggestions thread.

EDIT: And I can tell you how to waste your time. ;)
This message was last edited by the GM at 12:29, Wed 09 May 2012.

292. You may do a jiggly dance of happiness when the DM agrees with you...You may not take off your clothes during said dance...

293.  Unless you're a pro singer AND the group is in accordance, NO you may not attempt to sing your Bardic song during the game for exp.

294. You are not allowed to "cop a feel" on the princess you are saving while you are in the process of saving her from angry dragon/evil wizard/intergalactic abomination

295: No, you are not allowed to simply Charm Person or Mammal every enemy you end up fighting.


This isn't exactly a rule, but I have a feeling it will be soon if Heath has his way in our AD&D game. ;)

(Problem is, I forgot to roll their saving throws for a couple of your spells and just allowed you to charm them.)

296.  No, not every chest you see is going to be a mimic, so don't poke at them all with your sword first.

297. For the GM: Just because some monsters live on the ceiling or in the walls etc. doesn't mean you have to create a dungeon where every...damn...mob is in some unusual place.

Room #1: Oh gee, the ceiling just attacked me.
Room #2: Oh gee, the floor just attacked me.
Room #3: Oh gee, the wall just attacked me.
Room #4: Hey a treasure ches...DAMN YOU MIMICS!!!

298. No, just b/c you're a Paladin doesn't mean you can charge the small pack of goblin child-whelps shouting, "For the good of Sakahara Ratakara!", kill all the unarmed offspring, loot their corpses for gold & stuff, and then claim to still be Lawful Good.

299.  No, you can't make a character that sucks at doing everthing, and then expect sympathy when you mope around the whole game completely ineffective in all situations (but you can expect to be teased).

#300(!!!!!!) -- No, just b/c you have a barbarian in a loincloth running around shouting "for Sparta", you can't expect to get a free 'intimidation bonus' for your ripply highly-detailed airbrushed muscled abs.

301. Kill a village with a small orphan as your equipped weapon...
This message was last edited by the player at 23:16, Tue 19 June 2012.

Uh @ Tanner -- your post doesn't make sense AND it's #301.

302.  You can't be a player in an RPG and try to make everyone wait while you do your rules lawyering about something affecting you only & no one else (-- but it's fine to search while the game continues... but remember -- the GM is telling the story!).

Exactly ;)

303. Use your lv.1 character to rush into the GM Boss....and expect to win

304. Use a Wish spell to create a nuclear explosion...when your character is in a fantasy setting and doesn't even know what an atom is.

305. Have your characters sit in a tavern and play a "futuristic modern" RPG about people in the modern time sitting around playing a fantasy game about playing a modern game about playing a fantasy game about playing a modern game...

The punishment is a good, sound smacking!

306. Force the players in game to switch systems.

This message was last edited by the player at 18:56, Mon 02 July 2012.

307.  No, you can't use stale bread as a melee weapon.

Off topic: re: 306 -- we just played Universalis' (great 'free form' GM-less RPG) and a player says "All combat is resolved by Mexican wrestling, like Lucha Libre".  This kind of threw the game off -- but caused a lot of chuckling.

308. No, you cannot play existential crisis and dragons

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=137Ei0C3Vdg

309. Trying to siege the Dungeon Master by throwing dice at his screen is strictly forbidden.

310. You are not allowed to "defeat" a monster by eating the miniture representation of the monster. Minis are expensive...and probably toxic.

311. Do not misinterpret the rules for your own purposes.  Even if you're the DM.

312. You are not allowed to use menstration as a factor in vampire target selection.

313.  No matter if it is an official rule.   XP per gold piece is really silly, and thus invalid.

314.  No you can't have your thief always say "I don't want just one gold piece -- I want the whole gold!"

315.  No, your bard doesn't play 'cool jazz' and end each bardic song with 'yeah, baby'.  -- unless you're playing in Modern or Future.

316.  Dragons are cool.  But you can't just flood your game with them and expect it to be cool.

317: No, the combination of tears, sweat, and urine cannot be used as a source of water in the desert...

#318: If you cut the rope out of a Rope Trick, the pocket dimension does not become permanent, it collapses.

#319: I am no longer allowed to resolve pvp.conflicts with rounds of "gay chicken"

320.  You can't refer 'in-game' to things that only you and another player know 'out-of-game' and then laugh maniacally.

321.  You CAN say that your chainmail bikini will protect your female hero, but you can't say that your loin-cloth wearing barbarian has pockets.

RE: 321: If someone tries to pull that you just have to explain that most characters have access to their own personal "nature's pocket" if you catch my drift.

On that note...

322. You are not allowed to quick draw anything stored in a body cavity.

323.  You cannot have your D&D character understand the details of nuclear fission or radioactive isotopes.

324. No, your wizard can't have a magic spell that helps people magically spell correctly and call it 'magic spell magic spell' (but you could have a spell that could do that, just give it a different name!).

325. No, your D&D wizard can't have a magic spell that stops thieves from stealing and call it 'Thieves Cant'.

re: 321 comment -- what?  What RPG has rules for "natures pockets" and what character would carry stuff in 'em!?!?  (Altho Conan movie had thief that swallowed gems, I loved that.)

re: 322 -- eh?  So are you saying you play characters who store stuff in their cavities?!?!  I'd say, unless you're playing some non-human 'marsupial-style' race, that ain't legit.

Nature's Pocket/Body Cavity = Rectum

324.  No, magic missiles aren't the same as Patriot Missiles.

325.  Magic missiles thrown underwater can't be called Magic Torpedoes.

I got the idea, thanks for the unneeded explanation, but unless you're playing FUDGE I don't see that as being a realistic storage area.  (Fudge.  HA HA HA)

326. No, your Paladin can't sexually torture survivors of a raid and still claim they are lawful good.

327.  No, your Ranger can't follow monsters solely on their having body odor.

You've never heard of a coke mule?

@PP, yes.  But in D&D?

"Frodo, do you have the ring?"

"Yes, but I've hidden it in a place they will never suspect."

Not very suiting the genre, see?

Brings new meaning to the phrase, "What have I got in my pocket?"  ;)

And Heath takes a surprising career move and writes the Hobbit porno parody.

Also changes the spin on "My precious...sss....ssss"...?

Also makes me think about the phrase 'head butt'.

But this isn't "Things that make you go hmmmmmmmm...." thread.

Anyway....

328: Missles on the 4th of july are not Patriot Missles...

329.  No, a witch with an amazing rack does NOT have magic missiles!

Unless they are,Vixcis

330. Just because somebody refered to you as "Witch", and not the proper Goddess you are, is not a valid reason to start a player on fire.

331. No, lightning bolts don't reflect off your shield to hit the magic user.

332. In a god game your first act cannot be "Apocalpyse"

333.  No, in a 'freeform' RPG you don't get to walk up and slap your GM in the face 'IRL', and then say "sorry, but my character would've slapped the GM in the face!"

@ Praguepride -- what's Apocalpyse??!?

Sounds like 'a poc all pees'?!?

HA HA HA

I like the irony of playing a "God Game" and then making an armageddno -sized typo.
(Yes, I can spell Armageddon.)

334.  While you CAN immitate a popular comedian of our time as your BARD character's roleplay, you can't imitate lots of different ones!  (Gotta pick one and stick with it!)

335. I don't care how many skills and feats etc. you take. I don't care that you're playing old school Shadowrun. A bow and arrow CANNOT DO MORE DAMAGE THEN A BATTLESHIP!

edit: For those not familiar, old school shadowrun had different classification of damage. It started out with regular weapons and if you did enough damage it would upgrade, so a well thrown punch could be as damaging as a bat or in extreme cases a gun. Troll archers in our group were notorious for boosting their strength to such ridiculous levels and then having composite bows to take advantage of that hulk-like strength that their bow & arrow's damage was upgraded to "large vehicle" scales (i.e. battleship, artillery cannons etc.)
This message was last edited by the player at 22:22, Tue 11 Sept 2012.

336.  (For praguepride) No, peeing on all the scrolls won't reveal the invisible ink.

(for Heath re:336) ... but it will reveal the stink.

337.  You CAN immitate someone from one genre who completely doesn't fit in your current game genre (like playing CONAN in a scifi game), but you can't use lines from their movies which make no sense (ie in a scifi game to start monologueing, "Crom, I have never prayed to you before. I have no tongue for it. No one, not even you, will remember if we were good men or bad. Why we fought, or why we died. All that matters is that two stood against many. That's what's important! Valor pleases you, Crom... so grant me one request. Grant me revenge! And if you do not listen, then to HELL with you!")

Your character may not become a Time Lord just because of how long you take to use your turn!

338- As a DM, you can't create a village of friendly skeletons and expect the players to NOT burn the town to the ground on sight.

339 - You can not play an NPC.  If you played one, it would no longer be an NPC!

340 Wishing that the immortal Fire dragon lives a long life is not an appropriate use of a wish.

341 - You cannot use Purify Food and Drink against a zombie

EDIT: Even if you are a cannibal.
This message was last edited by the GM at 10:09, Sun 01 Sept 2013.

342 - You cannot wish for more wishes

You can not use emoticons, or any form of emotion, particularly during battle

Says who?

says fable ;-;  and halo, and well a lot of games, MMOs are like the only acceptions...  sad really

You may not proceed into that area (it's not mapped yet!)

Stop looking behind the GM's privacy screen!

Even though the rules technically allow it, the villager rail gun is STRICTLY PROBITED!

347: Time Stop within a Time Stop.

You may not actually choose the path you wish to take, no, you gotta select from the choices given...

But I want to be True-neutral!

Sorry, good or bad options only

"What's wrong with playing a non-sentient character?  Bob's non-sentient and he gets along ok."

"Bob's the GM.  Shut up!"

Breathing water...     "We're trying to make a realistic game!  You don't just dive into a pool for six hours, and come out fine!"

The terminal velocity of a falling object is the velocity of the object when the sum of the drag force and buoyancy equals the downward force of gravity acting on the object, not how fast you have to go to kill something.


OOC: Thank you Wikipedia

You just straight up can't change or add rules, even suggestions are nine times out of ten ignored, or not allowed at all

(I mean when was the last time you went to a game website with a great idea for a video game, and there was no way to contact them with any suggestions.)

Aren't we supposed to track the number of things we've posted on the topic?

353: Expect a 9-player, one-of-each-alignment party to hold together.

354; You can't God-mod!!! Grrr

[Has someone said that already?]

355: Play a Monk/Barbarian

356; You can't invite all your friends, the group limit is five.

Just because you bought pizza, it doesn't mean that you are sword proof.

357 [Or 358? FL didn't go numbers, so????]; Don't say 'my player just stands there confused', and then do nothing else at all!! Then when whatever you're confused about is explained in detail, continue to 'just stand there confused'!! Rage~!
[This has actually happened to me]

359; decide your just going to 'check' rather than pay attention to what your supposed to do.  Good luck finishing that quest...  [same person, same problem, different scenario ...]

360: Try to bad talk another player a the GM, so that the other player will get bullied out of the game, I mean really? That's just low

361: Cast Polymorph on yourself to become a fish and expect your gear to meld into your form.  (Sorry!  It drops on the ground, dude.  Read the rules!)

362: Don't lie about your dice rolls.  Just play with what you got.

363: Roll 18/00 on every character you create.

364; It's not an adult/ecchi game, but they're trying to 'tango' with their characters anyway, it's really annoying

365: Use player knowledge to build a computer in an fantasy setting.

366: not aloud to drop anvil on people`s charictors just because the person is horrid... even if I can set up an anvil with a rope and pulley system...  Not even if we are on a construction site, or the person deserves it...

367:  Describing your character going to the bathroom is not worth roleplaying XP!

368: use one word to describe your charictor does not work

369:  When you get caught by a trap you can't retroactively say you were checking the ground inch by inch for traps.

if you were checking for traps you would not be using your legs ect to check for them?
370. if you throw things at something made of extoplasm it does not actually effect them

371.  If this is not a Pokemon game, no you cannot have Pokemon!

372. killing group memebers off because they annoy you is not aloud

373: This is not a JRPG, grinding isn't necessary!

374. not aloud to change the rules

375: All making clerics in my undead campaign is very rude.

376. not aloud to throw things at peoples head.... they might throw them back

377: Don't threaten the DM with character suicide.

378. don't carry out suicid threat

379:  Don't spend hours debating irrelevant rules

380. don't start before knowing the rules

381: Do not punish someone in real life for what they did in the game.

382. ^that would be unfair

383.  Don't discuss the latest plot twists in tv shows and comic books when you should be playing the game.

Apparently, when someone in real life spits their gum at you, you aren't allowed to pick it up and make them eat it.  I mean, really?  Shouldn't that have been in the employee handbook somewhere?  Man, that RPG really gave me the wrong idea about what was an "appropriate response" in that situation.

If you are RTJ'ing an anime game, after you have been asked to give some background on your character, don't write two full pages that features death in childbirth, kidnapping, the exploitation of minors, and an international slavery ring.

Holy ****, did that ever actually happen?

386. At least when playing with my group do not use the plot of A Fistful of Dollars for your campaign.  Someone will notice and it will get awkward.

387: Don't attempt to edit the work of the GM against his/her will

I'll give this a shot. Here are some of my favorite true bad rules.

388. In AD&D, a small silver mirror costs several gold coins, so it is legal to hammer a silver coin flat and resell it for profit.

389. In Anima, a monocle costs over twice as much as a pair of eyeglasses, so it is legal to buy a pair of eyeglasses, break them in two, and resell the monocles for instant profit.

390. In Dead Reign, some weapons use D6s for damage and some use D4s. The listed damage for a wooden staff is 1D46.

391. When you try to rewrite the rules of the game, don't use crayons.

392. If you break rule 391, try to spel correcly

I'll continue my trend of bad rules in real RPGs until somebody stops me.

393. In Dead Reign, scoring a head shot against a zombie occurs on a natural 20 roll. No other factors exist, whether the character attacking is an Olypmic marksman or a kindergarden teacher picking up a gun for the first time -- just the unaltered die roll. Called shots do not work like this in any other Palladium game.

394. In D&D, your cleric may not ever use a weapon with a sharp edge because reasons.

395. In a Roman-themed game, FVLMINATA, there is a hilariously bad rule in which combat initiative is based up social rank. No other factors are considered unless there is a tie among the rank stats of two characters. Thus, the half-blind and arthritic senator will always strike before the angry gladiator.

396. In Heroes Unlimited, blocking negates all damage. If Spider-Man were to block a punch from the Hulk and use Aunt May's body to do it, neither he nor Aunt May would suffer any damage.

397. Jason Richards gave me a great suggestion. In Star Wars RPG (the D6 version), armor imposes a penalty on the Dexterity attribute and all Dex-derived skills, including Blaster. I think this includes blast vests. Boba Fet actually becomes less accurate with all of his weapons and thus less dangerous as a bounty hunter when he puts on his Mandolorian Armor.

398. Jason also pointed me towards the ability of Hardware Geniuses in HU to take a second Hardware Category in exchange for losing two attacks per melee -- which means that a low level hero would lose all her attacks and be unable to perform any actions (unless she took the Boxing skill which grants an additional attack per round).

399. I also remembered the inability of characters in Robotech to dodge more than 4 missiles at a time. It happens all of the time in the tv show, but in the RPG, it is flat-out impossible. I'm picking on Palladium quite a bit here, but that is because I know their games best.

If the gladiator can't handle a punch from the half-blind and arthritic Senator, he's not much of a gladiator.

400. No, I'm not going to use your homebrew addon to roll to see if you're getting drunk yet.

403.  Don't mix up the numbering on lists by skipping numbers ahead of where the list was.

232.  Don't mix up the numbering by going backwards either.

403.  To repeat, do not make redundant rules

404. This rule cannot be found.

405. We don't talk about FATAL. No...don't you go googling it. No I'm serious don't look it up or you'll want to throw up. I'm serious. DO. NOT. LOOK. AT. FATAL.

You're already opening up a new tab to google it, aren't you...

406. The GM is always right until you get home and can make a Youtube rant in which you publicly humiliate your GM for being an idiot.

407. Regardless of how open and flexible the system, Win the Game is not an available skill.