Re: HANGER DEC # 10
Harry would quietly wait until Will had finished speaking before softly replying in a downcast voice "you're right, I don't care about send off...because not caring is the only way I can cope, I don't learn their names, I don't even talk to them because I know that most of them will be dead by the end of their first engagement and the last thing I need is being able to put names and faces to the screaming voices I hear over my comms as they die, I can't even look at my dress uniform anymore because every time I do I just see those empty bags and wonder how long until one those bags will have mine, or the name of someone I care about written upon them, and before you say anything, no, I don't toast them either because I was always taught that making a toast with water was bad luck and disrespectful" Harry explained, hoping that Will would understand why toasting with alcohol wasn't an option for her "...but it's not just the dead pilots, I'm terrified out of my mind every time you go on a combat jump too, go and ask Lizzy, Nik or the ground crew how many times they've seen me pacing around the hangar dec worrying about whether you've been hurt again, how bad it would be this time around or if you would even come back at all and then to make things worse all you'll talk about is wanting to get healed up as fast as you can so you can go back out there and do it all over again! It's like you're trying to get yourself killed and I can't bare it! you're supposed to be the stable one out of the two of us...you're the one I come to when I'm struggling to cope with it all, and yeah I'll admit that's been a lot as of late...but ever since you got that medal you just don't seem to have any time for me anymore...I hate American Football Will, it bores me to tears, but I went to that game because you asked me and because I wanted to keep you company...instead I found myself all alone in a room full of strangers and other than the toy maker not one person spoke to me, they didn't even ask me my name, they just took their pictures and walked away...in the end I put my headphones on and tried to escape into my music for a little while just to get away from it all...I haven't had to do that since I was fifteen...and then I had that disaster of a Delta night during which I was shot and you didn't even ask how I was, which considering the number of times I'd come running to your bed side and pleading with Med techs to let me see you really hurt! So yes I asked if you were able to spend any time with me which considering I'd pretty much spent the entire first day of my shore leave on my own I didn't think was too much to ask for, but you went off in a huff and then bloody Cora and Ellen laid into me yet again and...and...and I'm bloody crying again!" she said frantically scrubbing at her eyes with the heel of her hand, angry with herself for bursting into tears in front of him and the entire hangar dec, with it taking all of her will power not to run away and hide, knowing how pathetic she must be looking, the epitome of the jilted lover.
It would take her a little bit to regain some measure of control and even then she would look down at his boots in an attempt to hide her red rimmed eyes and the tears running down her cheeks "...They're always making digs at me and I can't even fight back because they're you're friends so I have to just sit there and take it as they pass judgement on me over and over again whilst they flutter their eyelashes and flirt with you like I'm not even there...so yeah...I snapped...I knew I couldn't compete with them...I'm not pretty like they are, and we both know that I look lousy in a dress so I left...figured you'd far rather have a pair of pretty girls hanging on your arms whilst you spoke to the suits than a tomboy...and seeing as you wrote that note I guess I was right? Do you know how much finding that note hurt? It made me feel like something you'd scraped from the underside of your boot...You were the one person I thought I could actually trust to be there for me and you didn't even talk to me...you just left...do you not realise how hard it is for me to put my trust in anyone?...I guess it's the whole reason I don't see the Hermes as one big family like you do..."