Re: Update
So, since it's been quiet, FUN TIMES WITH CADE TIME!
I often find myself in scenarios where I really, really, really have to work at just biting my tongue. Normally, this is because of someone's ignorance on a topic. I won't get into the details of the general problem, but it normally revolves around the big three topics no one ever talks about ever.
However, there has been the rare moment where I just can't bottle it up...and as my best friend so eloquently puts it, I "turn into a rabid two-headed black mamba, viciously striking at a helpless paralyzed victim" until my "bloodlust is sated"...but I don't see it. Not me. Not sweet, harmless lil ol' me.
So anyhow...a friend and I were discussing, in a very calm and civil manner, the whole minimum wage debate. She was pro I was...fenced; I see a lot of issues with just raising the pay without cause. She feels I'm con, and while that might be more yes than pro, I understand the need for the increase, but my brain just can't justify such a large one when I see so many issues.
This discussion went on for a while, not once did we raise voices or name call or insult one another. It was just a good discussion between friends.
Cue up my friend's other friend, we'll call General George Douchington of the 1st Battalion Twit Brigade; Douchey for short. Douchey shows up with coffee for two; her and himself. I introduce myself, Douchey doesn't hardly register I exist. Now Douchey is a half-hipster/half-asshole, with an over inflated sense of self importance that goes beyond normal narcissism and ventures boldly into the realm of megalomania-- AND, he's been friendzoned hard by my friend, who we'll call Red, because Red is in a very happy state at present; she's 24, educated and employed very well, with no kids, no responsibilities other than herself. She owns her own home, her own car, is moderately debt free (barring some college loans) and she is enjoying the fact that she can basically just fuck off when ever she wants because she can. She has no interest in dating anyone to the point where she just doesn't do the whole bar scene anymore, but she loves to drink so she'll go to the Legion, and has since she was 21 (she's a member via Daughter of the American Legion) JUST so she can do so in peace.
Douchey, however, is madly in love with her. Not that he's ever admitted it, especially to himself--god forbid he love someone else more than himself. No, he just wants her as a lovely life accessory. So, when it comes to Red, and you're another male, you're immediately the enemy. You could hand him the Holy Grail, you're still his enemy.
So Douchey, coffees in hand, walks in. Red introduces as she takes her coffee, I say "Hey, how ya doin'?" and extend my hand. He looks at it, looks at me.
"Hi..."
Now, I'm a good Irish-Italian. When you say hello to me, I smile and respond and shake your hand, because that's how I was raised. By doing that, he basically just spat in my eye. I let it slide, for Red's sake.
So, ignoring me, he proceeds to side down between us and start prattling off about something that I just don't give a shit about; philosophy.
Yes--Douchey wasted his parents money and focused on philosophy. Not to become a teacher, but to become, AS HE QUITE LITERALLY PUT IT, the next Socrates.
I can't make this shit up.
Red is a Penetration Tester. Her job, which is awesome, is to find holes in a company's security, or any other exploits, fix them and charge an exorbitant fee for her work. I did some freelance stuff with her a couple years ago, which is how we met (we actually met while taking out Ethical Hacker cert.) and I got her an in with some people at a couple security firms. Her and I are good friends, she's like a little sister to me (she's a little older than my nieces) and there isn't a thing in the world I wouldn't do for her if she asked. But we also speak the same language, as it were, and we're very like minded--I'm not interested in her in any way; I'm in a relationship and I'm very happy, and while Red is stunning (but too blind to notice) I'm not dating someone who's as old as my nieces...that's just fucking creepy.
Anyway...what I'm getting at is, we often get into talks and we just drown everything out because we get what we're saying while everyone else just sits there like "what fucking hole did you two spawn from?" But Douchey starts in on a topic, and she plays along while I absentmindedly check my phone; I'm not put off, this is the other side of the coin.
However, Red wants to talk to me because she knows how Douchey can get, and inevitably, it turns to him trying to woo her. So she tries to include Douchey in the conversation. She explains where we've gotten to so far, all the while I'm getting a "fuck you" glare from Dickhole (he's now Dickhole) as I'm trying to figure out which family member of his I may have killed or maimed to get that look. As she finishes, I point out where we left off, and Dickhole throws his iPhone 5 on the table with an upworthy.com video link titled "Who's getting minimum wage will shock you."
I look at it, look at him as he says "I won't argue with someone who's consistently ignoring facts." and proceeds to talk about himself again to her.
I interrupt. First, consistently? And what facts have I ignored? We just summed up a couple hours worth of conversation in which Red was -very- ambiguous about who said what about what, and CLEARLY pointed out that while I wasn't entirely against the idea, I was also not exactly for it; that I was playing the other side of the debate.
Second, when in the history of ever has a video from upworthy...ever...EVER had the upper hand in an argument about facts. That's like posting to a Buzzfeed link or a Tumblr blog and saying "THERE! THAT'S WHAT YOU NEED TO KNOW!" and thinking that it's okay! It's like citing a Wikipedia page! IT'S LIKE CITING A 4CHAN POST!
After expressing this, Dickhole explains that it was based on a CNN video. OOOH! CNN you say! Well, why didn't you bring that video up to begin with? He looks at me like he just did. I say nooooooo! This video is an upworthy video. Like 5 secrets of weight loss that will shock you. Or Things your doctor doesn't want you to know about Snicker's bars. It's bullshit. And it's not ever remotely acceptable material in a discussion...ESPECIALLY WHEN YOU LEAD WITH "HEY I JUST GOT HERE BUT YOU CONSISTENTLY IGNORE.."
I then follow up with this gem, "Man...and you graduated from an accredited school? You must have plagiarized the fuck out of your thesis."
Dickhole with his Che Guevara shirt explains he is taking a year off from school to explore himself (In Rome, NY. That's where he's choosing to explore himself) and that he's to be a Senior at Brown when he returns.
Red shakes her head mouthing "SUNY Canton" to which I laugh out loud. Proudly, I have no filter or fucks to give.
I give him a thorough verbal lashing, he tries to quote Nietzsche "Whoever fights monsters should see to it that in the process he does not become a monster." to which I point out, after laughing, that he didn't complete the quote which I did ("and if you gaze long enough into the abyss, the abyss will gaze back at you.") and that hiding behind another man's words seems to be his M.O and followed it up with "Reading furnishes the mind only with materials of knowledge. It is thinking that makes what we read ours." (which was John Locke) and exclaim "..because anyone quote a dead man."
Now I've insulted people before, it's not new to me. I have a knack for getting to that one nerve that feels like a slap to the face when you flick it. I have pissed someone off so bad before that they couldn't do anything but get red faced and vomit. I pride myself on my lyrical ability to tear down the walls of Jericho and verbally shit on the rabble.
Dickhole's first reaction was to fart, loudly, which he did...as his jaw dropped. His second, which was almost at the same time, was to crush his coffee, spilling it all over him. Now...I think the third thing was to have a stroke...because his left eye looked like it was twitching in the socket, while the other was perfectly locked on my face.
I was really worried I broke him....for like half a second.
He stands up, and I think we're about to fight because he looks like he's about to swing, so I stand up tentatively. He sputters something completely unintelligible...turns to Red, does the same thing, and walks off. From behind, I can see a ..stain...I won't go into detail, but I think I made him shit himself.
When he's a good door away, I ask if he suffers from seizures or tourettes and she says not that she was aware of.
But I think I actually gave him tourettes and a seizure disorder.