It's terrible that the doctors don't believe you.  I know that there are lots of people who fake illnesses to get free drugs, but you'd think they'd be better at seeing a real case.

I wish you luck with the Xray.

Nothing wrong, nothing abnormal

I'm starting to think my back is messing with me

I have a friend in Massachusetts who is having back problems, and another who just had back surgery.   The back can be messy.

I wish I have some good advice for you.

the best thing for me, is swimming, it allows back to rest :)

But it is frustrating to not know, to not have a diagnosis for the pain

I'm one of those that can handle things I know what are or why they are

I hope you find more time to swim.   It's good exercise and I don't do it nearly enough.    I try to exercise, but never get around to it enough.

only problem I have with swimming, is it's so far away

otherwise I'd swim so much more

but who am I kidding...

I used to live much closer, I didn't swim anymore...

yes, I never liked swimming.  I have easy access to water, but still don't swim.  I need to work on it, though.

well default for me is to not do anything

I need to change my default-settings...

I wonder where I can have myself re-programmed

Hypnosis?

no one does hypnosis here, considered humbug

and a party trick

If it's just humbug, then it couldn't hurt to try, right?   *grins*

Just kidding.    Though you can do it the old fashioned way, and just work on it.
It might not take too long to work up a new habit.

A friend of mine is upset

Apparently he's been catfished real bad



So he dated this girl online for 2,5 years, never met her, saw her on skype and phone calls only

So now he figured out he'd been tricked, lied to and cheated on

I feel like I need to clobber him and tell him to not be so naive, that shit happens and to move on, but I suppose that's not the right way to handle an upset person that has seen their future go up in smoke

I tried to make him grieve the loss, rage at her for lying... I'm out of ideas

I'm sorry about your friend.   That's a tough thing to go through.   Betrayal is always worse when it's someone you think you love.
All you can probably do is just let him vent and commiserate with him about his loss.   You're right, telling him that he was naïve and gullible will only backfire.


Let him know that this happens to many people, especially with how high tech social media is getting.
So what actually happened?  Was she not who she said she was, or was she only trying to get money from him?

The backstory is that my friend has a list, he has written up what his perfect mate looks like.

She has to be a virgin, not smoke or drink and be religious (Not catholic thought)

And she told him she was all this, except she wasn't, she was apparently telling her parents he was stalking her and sleeping around with other men, as they were "dating". Basically she told him one thing and everyone else something else entirely

I personally don't get the virgin-part

This is why I think he should stop being so naive, you see, very few are virgins anymore
And somehow he expects me to find one, I'm a person that can fix things, but I know my limits, I can't find someone that fits a list

I don't believe in listing up what someone a person would love looks like, love doesn't work that way

We fall for souls, not bodies... Or personality if you don't believe in souls, I think we are souls, that live in a body, so personality is souls...

NO I don't belong to any church, I invent my own ideas

I've been there, done my share of online romanticizing both good and bad.

I can sort of understand the virgin part.  It's like a fantasy for guys, or maybe some guys at least.  Consider historically how much value was placed upon taking a woman's virginity and that should give you some idea.  Not a turn on for me but whatever floats your friends boat.

I put together a list for qualities that my significant other should have and I don't think that's such a bad idea, depending on what is on the list.  For example, I love to travel to other countries both East and West and have no problem jumping on to a train and taking off for a weekend.  I had a...requirement is probably not the right word but it's all that I can think of right now...that my significant other should enjoy travelling as well.  Is that such a bad thing?  I don't think so.  The list has to be realistic though.

I learned that disappointing lesson after failing to find that hot model slash Martial Artist slash magic user.

And BTW, you could tell you friend that you're dating two fine gentlemen online.  I don't mind.  :)

The list my friend has is:

Non-drinker, as in not a single drop of the stuff

Non-smoker

Non-party/clubbing lifestyle (I take it as not wild or out every day, maybe okay to go out dancing occasionally, without alcoholic intake then of course)

Christian

Not homophobic

Virgin (waiting for mr right)

So where should I help him find this kind of girl... As I'm rather sure I'll have a hard time finding anyone that doesn't want to party once in a while, or will misunderstand something on the list

And your list is reasonable, as there is people that might hate to travel, or don't even have a passport, so telling them you'd want to travel, helps them to get a passport and maybe open mind for travels

my list is as follows: respect me

yes, it's short, and it's sort of a demand, I dislike people that see me as nothing but... A trophy, someone to tell how to dress and how to behave (an ex did that)

*smiles*  I hate to say it, but, at least here in America, the "non-drinker, virginal, Christian" is almost exclusive of "non homophobic".
The only women, and men, here who are raised to be virgins until marriage are strict Christian households who are usually fundamentalists who are against EVERYTHING.
So their 'post marriage' sex life would be pretty tame, too, I'd bet.

He needs to find an ex-Amish girl, I think.  :)

well, he in UK

I don't think amish exist there

I will have to import one

*chuckles*   Yes, I assumed he was in Europe somewhere.
It's funny, though.  I had always heard that religion was so much more relaxed and less strict in England.

Though, I suppose, he technically isn't that strict, except for the fantasy of marrying a virgin who's not a religious fanatic or something equally strange.

Is he a virgin?  If he's not, you might want to try to work on him to drop that part of the want list.
It sounds like he needs to drop that part.  I wouldn't bet money that there were more than a dozen non-Catholic virgins in all of Britain that fit his other criteria.

The thing is, he is insecure as fuck, I mean, the virgin part is there, because he thinks that a more experienced girl will be disappointed in him, and compare him to other men.

I've tried to make him understand that, that only happens in movies, that women don't talk about who they fuck and how big or small they are.

Yes, he is a virgin, so...

I personally think he made the list to sabotage himself, he can't allow himself to be happy

There is so many times I wonder what the fuck he's doing, some decisions is clearly based fully on "not deserving the thing"

We don't deserve things, we work hard to get them, it's called earning the thing...

I may be too vague, I just can't put my finger on what it is that he does to sabotage stuff, I just have seen it happen so many times. Nothing except "I can't do that, I don't deserve to work there, so I won't even apply"

I believe in "try, fail, try again, fail better, until succeeding"

*winces*  That's pretty terrible.  There are too many people who have a fear of success.  They're terrified of losing anything, or being rejected by anyone, so they keep themselves from having anything worth having.

It can be a vicious cycle, as the person gets more and more depressed, and ends up becoming the loser they had always assumed they were.
it can be a hard thing to get out of.

He needs to work on his self esteem.  I just wish there was a way to do it.

the biggest problem, in my opinion at least is: his mother is a narcissist

and tells him daily how worthless he is, as he can't afford to move out, it's a vicious abuse cycle

and I try to keep his head above water, but really, I need him away from his mother, to really save his self-esteem

some parents get kids... so they can, push the kids into the shoes, so they'd look better in other people eyes

if you bored, look up narcissistic mothers, they have a favorite child and a child they hate, and this boy is the hated one, controlled beyond logical means, his sister is the loved one, and she doesn't even know why her brother hates their mother...

cause she sneaky...

Sounds like a bad soap opera, or possibly a bad Shakespearean drama.   *shudders*

Yes, the mother sounds very unbalanced.  I know someone who grew up in similar circumstances.   Her father and her father's mother wanted sons and grandsons, respectively, and when a daughter was born first, they ignored her.  When the son was born later, they lavished praise and gifts on him, not caring that the daughter was ignored, and old enough to realize it.

The son, at least, knows that things were unfair, but still has love for the father.  The daughter hates her father, for that another reasons.

You're right, he needs to move out of that toxic environment.  Even if it's just into a cheap apartment somewhere with roommates.

I've suggested about 15 ways to move out, and he's shot down every fucking one, so he is sabotaging himself

he doesn't want to save himself, he wants to be saved, because he thinks he can't save himself, he thinks he is too weak

there is no end to what's wrong with him, some days it's just so frustrating to talk to him

But not talking to him isn't an option, cause I want to help, and I'm too nice...

I feel like I'm keeping him alive, in a way, I hope it ain't so, because then I prolong his suffering, if I can't get him to save himself, that is...

I want him to save himself, I want him to see that he can do it, as a first step to getting away from the toxic situation and realization that his mom was wrong and always will be wrong.

I have a friend like that, who used to work with me.  She had excuses for not doing anything that was good for her.   She liked the attention when I tried to give her advice, but she never took any of it, always having excuses for why she didn't.

She complained about so many things, but shrugged off any advice, or had plenty of reasons why "that won't work for me".   It was always someone else's fault.

It was very frustrating.