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Marriage: A Good Thing?

Posted by HeathFor group 0
Heath
GM, 4288 posts
Affiliation: LDS
Wed 18 Mar 2009
at 22:28
  • msg #1

Marriage: A Good Thing?

A recent article showed that the unwed mother birth rate in the U.S. has recently climbed to 40%, the largest in history, along with the largest in history birthrate.

Here it is in its entirety (since news posts often get deleted):

quote:
US births break record; 40 pct out-of-wedlock

Remember the baby boom? No, not the one after World War II. More babies were born in the United States in 2007 than any other year in the nation's history — and a wedding band made increasingly little difference in the matter. The 4,317,119 births, reported by federal researchers Wednesday, topped a record first set in 1957 at the height of the baby boom.

Behind the number is both good and bad news. While it shows the U.S. population is more than replacing itself, a healthy trend, the teen birth rate was up for a second year in a row.

The birth rate rose slightly for women of all ages, and births to unwed mothers reached an all-time high of about 40 percent, continuing a trend that started years ago. More than three-quarters of these women were 20 or older.

For a variety of reasons, it's become more acceptable for women to have babies without a husband, said Duke University's S. Philip Morgan, a leading fertility researcher.

Even happy couples may be living together without getting married, experts say. And more women — especially those in their 30s and 40s — are choosing to have children despite their single status.

The new numbers suggest the second year of a baby boomlet, with U.S. fertility rates higher in every racial group, the highest among Hispanic women. On average, a U.S. woman has 2.1 babies in her lifetime. That's the "magic number" required for a population to replace itself.

Countries with much lower rates — such as Japan and Italy — face future labor shortages and eroding tax bases as they fail to reproduce enough to take care of their aging elders.

While the number of births in the U.S. reached nearly 4.3 million in 2006, mainly due to a larger population, especially a growing number of Hispanics, it's not clear the boomlet will last. Some experts think birth rates are already declining because of the economic recession that began in late 2007.

"I expect they'll go back down. The lowest birth rates recorded in the United States occurred during the Great Depression — and that was before modern contraception," said Dr. Carol Hogue, an Emory University professor of maternal and child health.

The 2007 statistical snapshot reflected a relatively good economy coupled with cultural trends that promoted childbirth, she and others noted.

Meanwhile, U.S. abortions dropped to their lowest levels in decades, according to other reports. Some have attributed the abortion decline to better use of contraceptives, but other experts have wondered if the rise in births might indicate a failure in proper use of contraceptives. Some earlier studies have shown declining availability of abortions.

Cultural attitudes may be a more likely explanation. Morgan noted the pregnancy of Bristol Palin, the unmarried teen daughter of former GOP vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin. The young woman had a baby boy in December, and plans for a wedding with the father, Levi Johnston, were scrapped.

"She's the poster child for what you do when you get pregnant now," Morgan said.

Teen women tend to follow what their older sisters do, so perhaps it's not surprising that teen births are going up just like births to older women, said Sarah Brown, the chief executive for the National Campaign to Prevent Teen and Unplanned Pregnancy.

Indeed, it's harder to understand why teen births had been declining for about 15 years before the recent uptick, she said. It may have been due to a concentrated effort to reduce teen births in the 1990s that has waned in recent years, she said.

The statistics are based on a review of most 2007 birth certificates by the National Center for Health Statistics, part of the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. The numbers also showed:

_Cesarean section deliveries continue to rise, now accounting for almost a third of all births. Health officials say that rate is much higher than is medically necessary. About 34 percent of births to black women were by C-section, more than any other racial group. But geographically, the percentages were highest in Puerto Rico, at 49 percent, and New Jersey, at 38 percent.

_The pre-term birth rate, for infants delivered at less than 37 weeks of pregnancy, declined slightly. It had been generally increasing since the early 1980s. Experts said they aren't sure why it went down.

_Among the states, Utah continued to have the highest birth rate and Vermont the lowest.

CDC officials noted that despite the record number of births, this increase is different from occurred in the 1950s, when a much smaller population of women were having nearly four children each, on average. That baby boom quickly transformed society, affecting everything from school construction to consumer culture.

Today, U.S. women are averaging 2.1 children each. That's the highest level since the early 1970s, but is a relatively small increase from the rate it had hovered at for more than 10 years and is hardly transforming.

"It's the tiniest of baby booms," said Morgan in agreement. "This is not an earthquake; it's a slight tremor."


DISCUSSION:  Is this good for us or a bad omen?  What are the causes?
This message was last edited by the GM at 22:29, Wed 18 Mar 2009.
Vexen
player, 340 posts
Wed 18 Mar 2009
at 23:29
  • msg #2

Re: Marriage: A Good Thing?

I'm not sure what this discussion is about, exactly. "Marriage: A Good Thing?" Is this about whether or not marriage is good in the first place? I think that would be a rather short discussion, as most people would have to agree that it is. Even those dissenters would probably be saying that it can be bad, rather than it's necessarily bad.

About the article and the problems it presents, however, I'd say this is a complicated situation that has many leading causes. As stated in the article, it's natural for births outside of marriage as well as teen births rates to rise during times of economic downturn, and we're in a pretty hefty one.

I've stated before that I feel this problem wasn't as bad when we had the traditional family model established, that is, man provides from the family, women stay and maintain the home and raise children. Not that I feel that way is perfect. Far from it, I abhor the mentality society had back then regarding the worth and value of women.

However, we're at an interesting time in American society where we have a sort of family and gender role crisis. We've almost entirely accepted that the old family roles and gender expectations aren't good for us. But, we haven't replaced them with anything, at least not in the large scale mindset. As a result, many people sort of "wing it" in regards to their relationships, which can cause a lot of conflict in a partnership/marriage when both members of it are expecting something different out of it. I would say, if this is correct, this is a result of a society and it's laws progressing faster than it's culture was ready for.

That isn't to say that the progressive attitudes are bad, not at all. I like to think of myself as a progressive thinker myself. But perhaps changing too quickly can lead to unintended consequences, even if the resulting changes are in fact what we want to eventually accomplish. I personally felt rather confused growing up as to what I'm supposed to be, as a woman. My family pushes me to have children, my peers push me towards a career, society tells me to be productive, religion tells me to get married, school tells me to remain a student, etc, etc. It's a lot different than a universal agreement that I'm supposed to be a mother and get married and start a family. Not saying either is more healthy than the other, but the former leads to people having to completely make up their own expectation for life and relationships, and sometimes, that simply means family may not be, in many cases, resulting to marriage, and may in fact be precluding to it, or deemed completely irrelevant.

Whether or not this is a good thing...I don't know. I think this makes it much more individually determined rather than what can be taken as a whole. Some of these modern relationships can be very healthy, and some of these may not be. But that's assuming that marriages are in fact healthy, when in many cases, many relationship experts can say they aren't.

I once read a study that reported that the family situation a child lives in isn't a very strong indicator of their success. What is, according to the results, was the feeling of love in the relationship, i.e., how loved that child felt. If that's true, which I think in a lot of cases it is, then perhaps we should focus less on the specifics of a family situation and just examine the child's particular feelings towards it. That may be a more accurate study of the worth of a family in terms of it's health and effects, rather than preconceived notions of how a family should be.
Tycho
GM, 2167 posts
Thu 19 Mar 2009
at 09:59
  • msg #3

Re: Marriage: A Good Thing?

I'm a little unsure about the question as well.  What, specifically, are you asking if we think it's a good thing?  Marriage?  Unwed marriage?  High numbers of births?

If we're talking about unwed pregnancies, in my opinion, the issue is less if the parents are married, and more if child is wanted.  An unwed couple that intentionally has a child doesn't seem like the same issue, to me, as a 16 year old girl that gets pregnant because she and her boyfriend didn't know how to use a condom.  In scandanavian countries children are more likely to be raised by their biological parents than are children in the US, even though marriage rates are much lower.  So, long story short, my view is that unwanted pregnancies are bad, but intended pregnancies to unwed mothers aren't necessarily bad.

On the issue of teen mothers, do people think it's possible that it could have anything to do with the rise of abstinence-only sex ed?  Studies have shown that such programs actually lead to higher teen pregnancy rates, because students get the impression that condoms and other contraception don't work at all, so don't use them.  I'm not actually sure how wide-spread such programs have been the last few years, though, so I don't know it'd be something that could cause a significant effect in the population at large.
katisara
GM, 3638 posts
Conservative human
Antagonist
Thu 19 Mar 2009
at 12:56
  • msg #4

Re: Marriage: A Good Thing?

I don't know about pregnancy, but I do believe STD rates have gone up as a result from abstinence-only programs. Most of the programs I've seen focused on (not) putting the yang in the yin, if you catch my drift, but don't focus so much on other aspects. Since teenagers are endless sources of creative yin/yang combinations, many of which will still spread disease, even a successful abstinence program will likely mark an increase in STDs.

Rather than abstinence programs, I think the money could be better spent in cold shower/willpower programs :P
Heath
GM, 4293 posts
Affiliation: LDS
Thu 19 Mar 2009
at 16:59
  • msg #5

Re: Marriage: A Good Thing?

The question is:

Is marriage good for individuals?

Is marriage the preferred state for those with children?

(There are apparently 60% of those between 20 and 24 who consciously go out and have children without getting married, and those who choose living together or something over marriage.)

I'm not trying to bring up the gay marriage thing again, but I will say this as an example:  I think it would be better for a child to be raised by two married gay adults than by a single mother; but I think it is more optimum for a child to be raised by a mother and a father who are married and provide both the male and female role models, as well as the support of two loving adults.

The other thing that sets me off is Octomom.  To have 6 children as a single mother (2 with special needs, as I recall), and then to consciously go out and have 8 more without any intention of getting married...and then to rely on the state to pick up the tab for the children...this cannot be healthy for the children and will ultimately be a big burden on society.

Vexen says most agree that marriage is a good thing.  That's what I'm wondering.  I always assumed that too, but statistics don't seem to support that long held assumption.
Tycho
GM, 2174 posts
Thu 19 Mar 2009
at 18:04
  • msg #6

Re: Marriage: A Good Thing?

Heath:
Is marriage good for individuals?

For many of them, sure.

Heath:
Is marriage the preferred state for those with children?

Preferred by whom?  Again, I think if two people are together, and committed to raising the child in a healthy, loving environment, that's what matters.  Marriage might encourage that, but it doesn't guarantee it.  It shouldn't be treated like a proxy for it.  The preferred state is two committed parents.  Marriage isn't quite the same, though they often coincide.

Heath:
(There are apparently 60% of those between 20 and 24 who consciously go out and have children without getting married, and those who choose living together or something over marriage.)

I'm not sure that's what stats showed.  Rather, 60% of people who had kids between 20 and 24 weren't married.  Might seem like a nitpick, but since many people between 20 and 24 don't have kids at all, it's a numerically very important one.

Heath:
I'm not trying to bring up the gay marriage thing again, but I will say this as an example:  I think it would be better for a child to be raised by two married gay adults than by a single mother; but I think it is more optimum for a child to be raised by a mother and a father who are married and provide both the male and female role models, as well as the support of two loving adults.

And it's probably better if they're rich, too. ;)

Heath:
The other thing that sets me off is Octomom.  To have 6 children as a single mother (2 with special needs, as I recall), and then to consciously go out and have 8 more without any intention of getting married...and then to rely on the state to pick up the tab for the children...this cannot be healthy for the children and will ultimately be a big burden on society.

Maybe her religion had some kind of crazy "be fruitful and multiply" order. ;)  More seriously, though, Octomom seems a bit crazy to me, but its not really my business.  I think what she did was a bad decision, but she probably thinks that my lack of kids is a bad decision.  In terms of people's bad decisions that are affecting my life these days, hers is pretty far down the list.

Heath:
Vexen says most agree that marriage is a good thing.  That's what I'm wondering.  I always assumed that too, but statistics don't seem to support that long held assumption.

I think interpreting people having kids out of wedlock as them not thinking marriage is good thing is reading too much into it.  The fact that I don't have a million dollars in my bank account doesn't mean I don't think it's a good idea to have a million dollars.  I would imagine many (though certainly not all) of the people having kids think marriage is a good idea...just perhaps not to the person they're currently with.  Others probably consider themselves more-or-less married (those cohabiting), and don't see a huge difference in making it "official."  Also, seeing something as "good" isn't the same a seeing it as "necessary."  I think many women in their late 30s who aren't married but decide to get pregnant anyway because they feel their running out of time would prefer that they had a husband, but don't want to risk missing their chance at motherhood by waiting for the right man.
katisara
GM, 3640 posts
Conservative human
Antagonist
Thu 19 Mar 2009
at 18:26
  • msg #7

Re: Marriage: A Good Thing?

Heath:
Is marriage good for individuals?


In the majority of cases? Probably not. A solid marriage requires an openness, honesty and selflessness that seems out of vogue these days.

quote:
Is marriage the preferred state for those with children?


I do think a committed, stable relationship between caretakers dedicated to the child's wellbeing is preferred. Marriage would fall into that category, but at this point I"m not going to say that marriage is the only situation that would create that preferred environment (i.e. - we can disprove specific cases, but it's difficult to prove one case is the only or best case.)

quote:
but I think it is more optimum for a child to be raised by a mother and a father who are married and provide both the male and female role models, as well as the support of two loving adults.


I think it would be better still for a group-marriage situation, or living with extended family. I'm a big believer in 'it takes a village', and while having a second person here has greatly increased my personal capabilities as a parent, but we have no local family or dependable friends, so it's just the two of us. As we have other family visit, or my oldest gets older, I've found it continues to act as a force multiplier. If I had another wife, or parents in the area, it would make a tremendous difference for us, in regards to our sanity, our parental abilities, our ability to deal with events, and just our general stability (right now if my wife went to the hospital, for instance, we'd be in a lot of trouble because I could either take care of her OR the kids, but not both).

quote:
The other thing that sets me off is Octomom.  To have 6 children as a single mother (2 with special needs, as I recall), and then to consciously go out and have 8 more without any intention of getting married...and then to rely on the state to pick up the tab for the children...this cannot be healthy for the children and will ultimately be a big burden on society.


I would agree, although I think she's a sick person. I'd blame a flaw in the welfare system, where she can spend money she doesn't have on such frivolities, and a doctor who ultimately engaged in unethical behavior, implanting her with so many fetuses he's putting them all (and the mother) at risk. I ultimately hold doctors at a higher level than crazy ladies off the street.
Heath
GM, 4299 posts
Affiliation: LDS
Thu 19 Mar 2009
at 19:09
  • msg #8

Re: Marriage: A Good Thing?

Tycho:
Preferred by whom?  Again, I think if two people are together, and committed to raising the child in a healthy, loving environment, that's what matters.  Marriage might encourage that, but it doesn't guarantee it.

Of course it doesn't guarantee it, but the point is if it's the preferred relationship for healthy families.

And it does have an actual effect.  Being married means you've committed yourself legally and shows a deeper level of commitment than two people just living with each other who can easily extract themselves from the relationship if it goes south.


quote:
Heath:
(There are apparently 60% of those between 20 and 24 who consciously go out and have children without getting married, and those who choose living together or something over marriage.)

I'm not sure that's what stats showed.  Rather, 60% of people who had kids between 20 and 24 weren't married.  Might seem like a nitpick, but since many people between 20 and 24 don't have kids at all, it's a numerically very important one. 

My bad on that one, but at least you know what I meant.  I heard that statistic on TV.  Now I don't recall exactly what the parameters were...and can't remember if it was 60% of the unwed mothers between 20 and 24 got pregnant on purpose without getting married or 60% weren't married.
quote:
Heath:
I'm not trying to bring up the gay marriage thing again, but I will say this as an example:  I think it would be better for a child to be raised by two married gay adults than by a single mother; but I think it is more optimum for a child to be raised by a mother and a father who are married and provide both the male and female role models, as well as the support of two loving adults.

And it's probably better if they're rich, too. ;)

Wealthy, yes.  But what is the definition of wealthy?  It is having the amount of wealth necessary to meet all your needs and expenditures and extra to invest (and technically, it would be through passive investments so you don't have to work, but with two parents, that factor would drop out).

quote:
More seriously, though, Octomom seems a bit crazy to me, but its not really my business.

See, that's sad to me.  It's your business in two ways:  1) These children have no choice in the matter, and they are innocent fellow citizens, and 2) our tax money will be paying for them.  The last I heard, the expected cost for her to effectively raise them is $115,000 PER MONTH!  And we'll be paying the tab for that...

quote:
I think what she did was a bad decision, but she probably thinks that my lack of kids is a bad decision.

That's not what she's said.  She said she just wanted to have another girl, and this was her way to get one.  Every time you hear her reasons why she's doing it, the reasons seem very selfish.  You could probably pull a bunch of quotes to that effect.  Selfish moms don't make for good moms.


quote:
The fact that I don't have a million dollars in my bank account doesn't mean I don't think it's a good idea to have a million dollars.  I would imagine many (though certainly not all) of the people having kids think marriage is a good idea...just perhaps not to the person they're currently with.

I think it goes without saying, however, that the respect for the institution of marriage has gone down in the last 30+ years, at least since the time of the institution of the no fault divorce laws and "free love."
Tycho
GM, 2179 posts
Thu 19 Mar 2009
at 19:33
  • msg #9

Re: Marriage: A Good Thing?

Heath:
And it does have an actual effect.  Being married means you've committed yourself legally and shows a deeper level of commitment than two people just living with each other who can easily extract themselves from the relationship if it goes south.

Is that a cause or an effect, in your opinion?  Does getting married cause you to be more committed, or do people get married because they've made more of a commitment, in your view?  Also, in this day and age, I'm not sure that it really does show a deeper level of commitment, based on the rate of divorce (which is perhaps your point).

quote:
More seriously, though, Octomom seems a bit crazy to me, but its not really my business.

Heath:
See, that's sad to me.  It's your business in two ways:  1) These children have no choice in the matter, and they are innocent fellow citizens,

Nobody's children have a choice in the matter, though.  That's nothing special about these kids.  I might think people who indoctrinate their kids with religion from an early age are harming my innocent fellow citizens, but I don't feel I have any right to stop them from doing it.  And to be honest, having lots of kids doesn't seem like the worst form of child abuse out there these days.

Heath:
and 2) our tax money will be paying for them.  The last I heard, the expected cost for her to effectively raise them is $115,000 PER MONTH!  And we'll be paying the tab for that...

And like I said, compared to all the other things my tax dollars are paying for that I don't like, this is way down on the list of things that get me upset.  compared to $12 billion per month for the iraq war, I just can't get all that worked up about something like that.  Compared to other places my tax dollars are going, this is neither that big, nor that offensive.

Heath:
I think it goes without saying, however, that the respect for the institution of marriage has gone down in the last 30+ years, at least since the time of the institution of the no fault divorce laws and "free love."

Yeah, I won't disagree with you there.
Heath
GM, 4300 posts
Affiliation: LDS
Thu 19 Mar 2009
at 20:57
  • msg #10

Re: Marriage: A Good Thing?

Tycho:
Is that a cause or an effect, in your opinion?  Does getting married cause you to be more committed, or do people get married because they've made more of a commitment, in your view?  Also, in this day and age, I'm not sure that it really does show a deeper level of commitment, based on the rate of divorce (which is perhaps your point).

Yes, being married causes you to be more committed.  It is harder to break up, there are legal ramifications, so it is more galvanizing in helping you work out differences and problems instead of just breaking up.  Absolutely.

As for the level at marriage, it's hard to say.  Of course, people who are willing to go that extra step and the entire process of marriage are certainly demonstrating a certain level of commitment, but that's a case by case thing.

quote:
Nobody's children have a choice in the matter, though.  That's nothing special about these kids.

I see what you're saying, but it's not her specifically I'm talking about.  She's a very prominent and exaggerated display of what is going on all over America.  It's what she stands for that I'm really talking about, and all the kids across the country in similar situations.

quote:
  I might think people who indoctrinate their kids with religion from an early age are harming my innocent fellow citizens, but I don't feel I have any right to stop them from doing it.

First, that would be opinion, and not a reasonably sufficient harm in any case.  This woman, for example, already had one of her kids walk off and get lost for hours because she wasn't watching, and now she has 8 more.  In any case, she's being investigated by CPS, so that should tell you something.  And they certainly aren't any better off for being poor, on welfare, with no father and 13 siblings...hard to argue against that, I think.

quote:
And like I said, compared to all the other things my tax dollars are paying for that I don't like, this is way down on the list of things that get me upset.  compared to $12 billion per month for the iraq war, I just can't get all that worked up about something like that.

(Notice how I trust your statistic without requiring backup and derail this topic, even though the number fluctuates and $12 billion is just the 2008 number, and it was cheaper during different times.)

I quickly looked up welfare costs.  I didn't find the latest stats, just up to 1995, but over 20% of our gross domestic product was spent on social welfare programs.  That was over $1.5 trillion in 1995 and is probably much higher now.

So:
Cost for the war: about $12 billion per month
Cost for welfare programs:  well over $125 billion per month

So it is not fair to use the cost of the war as the concern.  If money is your concern, welfare programs cost 10 times as much as the war each month, so under the standard you stated, you should be much more concerned about the welfare programs.

quote:
  Compared to other places my tax dollars are going, this is neither that big, nor that offensive. 

Hmmm....see my comment above.  Not big???
Vexen
player, 343 posts
Thu 19 Mar 2009
at 23:23
  • msg #11

Re: Marriage: A Good Thing?

Yes, I did say that most of us would consider marriage as a possible good thing. I myself don't consider it inherently good, but it certainly can be a positive and healthy experience, for adults and children alike.

I would say many have addressed the issue well enough in this regard. It's not necessarily that more people are considering marriage bad (although, I've met some who never want to be married, though to be fair, those that say that usually also don't want a long term romantic relationship of any kind, nor children). But just because they don't consider it bad doesn't mean that they are going to get themselves into one. Finding the right person can be a long, difficult process. And some people just aren't that successful at it.

I myself ascribe to a similar attitude to what Tycho is talking about. Marriage itself isn't all that important to me. I'm like most girls in that I could dream up a wonderful marriage ceremony and arrange it to put on a perfect display of romanticism, for us to declare our love and commitment before our dearest friends and relatives. But, frankly...it's costly. Very costly. The typical wedding ceremony is thousands of dollars. And my profession isn't going to allow me tons of disposable income. Divorce is typically more expensive. Marriage isn't cheap financially, and it can incur some very hefty penalties and legal complications if you're not careful, not to mention allowing control of my children with someone I may no longer trust.

And all this for what, exactly? I'm not exactly a religious person. Maybe that'll change with time, but at the moment, I'm not. So the sanctity appeal doesn't do much for me. It's a ceremony and a document that confers certain legal ramifications, some good, some bad. How will that change a relationship into a more virtuous one? If this relationship is going to work, it's foundation and stability has already been formed before ever entering the marriage, and if it was already shaky, said state alone will not fix it. That's still up to us. So if I never marry, I'm okay with that.

Does that mean I dislike marriage? You could say so, but no, I don't feel it does. Just perhaps that I don't feel that it's necessary. Not that I don't believe in a committed monogamous heterosexual relationship (as marriage is currently defined). I'm a straight woman who can't see herself dating multiple men at the same time, or many men period, for that matter. I believe that a monogamous relationship can work, and I do believe that it does take compromise and commitment to do so. But I'm a very cautious woman who won't just take anyone. I take things slow, and prefer to pace things, in order to not jump into things I'm not ready for. And I take my commitments very seriously. I've been surrounded by unhealthy relationships and marriages all my life, even the ones that stay together are relationships I don't want to find myself in. So, yes, I'm very careful about my approach, and I don't want to commit the same mistakes my female role models did.

Do I not respect marriage? Oh, to the contrary, I respect it very highly, so much that I'm not going to marry anyone unless I seriously think that I can be with that person for the rest of my life. If I have serious doubts about a person, no matter how much I like them, I'm not going into it. The costs are too great, and the gamble not favorable. And if that means I'm going to start a family well before I ever marry, or even never marry at all, that's well enough for me. I don't think happiness is contingent on becoming someone's wife. I could be the strange one for feeling that way, but I get the feeling that my experience is not all that unique.

I think it's unfair to say that the modern population doesn't value honesty, communication, or openness, at least to any degree that the prior generations did. One doesn't need any of those things, honestly, to have a lasting marriage. To have a happy one, likely, but it seems like marriage advocates seem to equate long-lasting with healthy and loving, when history has shown that's simply not true. The idea of romance becoming marriage is very much a new tradition in the history of mankind, and in fact, it was a common saying that existed for hundreds of years, even here in the west, that romance and marriage were incompatible. The old-school thought on marriage was that the commitment came first, and love came later, learning to love someone after a long period of time after marriage rather than before it. It was important to stay together, and your feelings were secondary to that commitment. This was marriage for thousands of years, and during that time, marriage rates were very high, and divorce very low. In fact, they were probably better with that philosophy of marriage than any point since, by large. But, is that the model of marriage you would advocate?
This message was last edited by the player at 23:36, Thu 19 Mar 2009.
Heath
GM, 4302 posts
Affiliation: LDS
Thu 19 Mar 2009
at 23:35
  • msg #12

Re: Marriage: A Good Thing?

quote:
I think it's unfair to say that the modern population doesn't value honesty, commitment, or openness, at least to any degree that the prior generations did. One doesn't need any of those things, honestly, to have a lasting marriage. To have a happy one, likely, but it seems like marriage advocates seem to equate long-lasting with healthy and loving, when history has shown that's simply not true.

I don't think this is an accurate portrayal of the marriage advocates.  The position is (1) if you commit to it fully through marriage, you need to work on it even if there are bad times (and there are bad times in every marriage) -- marriage is about working with a partner as much as, or more than, love, and (2) and this is critical, children need the stability of a marriage (and deserve it) to prevent many problems, from dropping out of school to happy relationships themselves as adults.

Most marriage advocates say if you don't have children (or they're grown), then divorce is a last option but an available one.  But not marrying at all means never really committing (not to mention the morality issues that come into play from a religious perspective for those who are religious).

In any case, the children are the number one concern for marriage advocates, and far more important than a "happy" marriage.
This message was last edited by the GM at 23:36, Thu 19 Mar 2009.
Vexen
player, 344 posts
Thu 19 Mar 2009
at 23:49
  • msg #13

Re: Marriage: A Good Thing?

Heath:
I don't think this is an accurate portrayal of the marriage advocates.  The position is (1) if you commit to it fully through marriage, you need to work on it even if there are bad times (and there are bad times in every marriage) -- marriage is about working with a partner as much as, or more than, love, and (2) and this is critical, children need the stability of a marriage (and deserve it) to prevent many problems, from dropping out of school to happy relationships themselves as adults.

Most marriage advocates say if you don't have children (or they're grown), then divorce is a last option but an available one.  But not marrying at all means never really committing (not to mention the morality issues that come into play from a religious perspective for those who are religious).

In any case, the children are the number one concern for marriage advocates, and far more important than a "happy" marriage.


And I respectfully disagree. This may be more what the marriage advocates are talking about, true enough, you know that side a little better than I do, but I think the premises are arguable.

Let me start with the second. There's a lot of evidense that goes to show that a marriage alone isn't healthy for children. If it's a lasting marriage full of bickering and spite the stays with together just for the children, statistically speaking, the children aren't particularly healthy in that relationship either. In fact, many relationship experts suggest that it's healthier for children, statistically speaking, to have a peaceful divorce rather than a marriage that neither party wants to be a part of anymore. Staying together for the children is very much the old-school way of though, but modern psychology doesn't seem to favor it well. There are a lot of delinquents that came from committed relationships.

Beyond that, I'd disagree with the assertion that not marrying is not committing. Isn't it possible for two people who are secular to commit to each other and not want to deal with the legal hassles of marriage, or not simply caring about the status of marriage?

And the first point seems to bring up another question I have about this whole deal. I may be reading this wrong, so correct me if I am, but do marriage advocates believe that commitment and communication are all that's needed to make a successful marriage? Is there no personality variant to the whole deal? Can any male be paired up with any female, and with enough commitment and communication, the marriage be successful? Is it not possible that some people just weren't meant to be together, and all divorce a result of failure to commit?

I'm not making a parody here. I'm genuinely curious, because it seems to be a heavy implication when traditional marriage advocates explain themselves.
This message was last edited by the player at 23:50, Thu 19 Mar 2009.
Heath
GM, 4305 posts
Affiliation: LDS
Fri 20 Mar 2009
at 00:11
  • msg #14

Re: Marriage: A Good Thing?

I think you misunderstand:  Children need a father and a mother, and PARENTS should make sure that they provide this by sacrificing their own selfish desires for their children.

Should every couple get married?  Absolutely not.  But there are some people who seriously should not even reproduce...

You're talking about the lowest common denominator; I'm talking about the ideal to aspire to.

___

And yes there is more commitment in marriage, because you've made a legal commitment as well as a commitment between each other.  To live up to all those commitments is the challenge.
Vexen
player, 347 posts
Fri 20 Mar 2009
at 00:57
  • msg #15

Re: Marriage: A Good Thing?

Children don't 'need' a father or mother figure. They 'need' a caretaker. Having a mother and father is ideal, probably, but it's not what they 'need'. Nor is the simple fact of having a father and a mother together mean that they have those role models. The traditional model of family often had a father figure that was rather absent and not heavily present in their children's lives. Yet, their parents were still married, and it was a committed relationship. Once again, I think it's an assumption that lasting marriages are of ideal quality, when I'm a little more skeptical about how often that's really the case.

I also don't think that divorce is always selfish. If you believe in modern psychology, for example, sometimes a peaceful divorce is more healthy for children than the strife that can be caused with a married couple that can't resolve their differences. Even if you don't buy that entirely, can't you then at least admit that some marriages can be ended with at least the intention of looking out for their children?

Likewise, I think sometimes marriage can be selfish. Some people are in love with the idea of marriage more than their spouses. Some people do pride themselves on the status of marriage as well. Some could want to use marriage as a weapon against their spouse, as a reason to stay together, even if the other person has fallen out of love. I don't agree with the assertion that adding repercussions for splitting up makes for a stronger commitment so much as it simply creates an aversion to end the marriage. I know of couples, for example that are still technically married but have been estranged for years and seeing new people. Even if they do stay together, it can create an atmosphere of being trapped, which can aggravate things, rather than help.

Again, I'm not trying to demonize marriage here. I'm just trying to show my view, that marriage isn't always a good thing, and that a lasting marriage isn't the same as a healthy marriage, for either the partners or the children. Maybe that does make me thinking about the lowest common denominator. Maybe that makes me skeptical and heartless. I'm not sure. But I don't think we should expect the ideal out of people. I think that's unfair to ourselves and to each other.
This message was last edited by the player at 00:59, Fri 20 Mar 2009.
TheMonk
player, 1 post
Fri 20 Mar 2009
at 00:59
  • msg #16

Re: Marriage: A Good Thing?

The ideal to aspire to is that parents are not necessary. Instead, society would be peaceful and individuals would guide children as necessary and support them as if the kids were their own.

We live in an imperfect world where marriage should, for the children, produce these ideals on a micro scale.
Grandmaster Cain
player, 93 posts
Fri 20 Mar 2009
at 02:56
  • msg #17

Re: Marriage: A Good Thing?

In most of the world, you're not raised by your parents.  You're raised by an extended family, consisting of aunts, uncles, grandparents, family friends, and respected village elders.  The thought that only two people can raise a family is considered absurd.

The thought that kids need, or even benefit from, a single mother and father figure is just silliness.  There's a saying: "It takes a village to raise a child."  We have enough healthy adults who were raised by single-parent families to prove that Ozzie and Harriet are a myth.
Tycho
GM, 2181 posts
Fri 20 Mar 2009
at 09:57
  • msg #18

Re: Marriage: A Good Thing?

quote:
Nobody's children have a choice in the matter, though.  That's nothing special about these kids.

Heath:
I see what you're saying, but it's not her specifically I'm talking about.  She's a very prominent and exaggerated display of what is going on all over America.  It's what she stands for that I'm really talking about, and all the kids across the country in similar situations.

Okay, what is it that you feel she stands for?  And what is the situation that "all the kids across the country" are in?  I don't think having too many kids is really all that common these days, so I'm not entirely sure what you're meaning here.

quote:
  I might think people who indoctrinate their kids with religion from an early age are harming my innocent fellow citizens, but I don't feel I have any right to stop them from doing it.

Heath:
First, that would be opinion, and not a reasonably sufficient harm in any case.

Which is sort of my point.

Heath:
This woman, for example, already had one of her kids walk off and get lost for hours because she wasn't watching,

A kid outside of parental supervision for hours?! The horror! ;)  I thought it was liberals who were supposed to be the overprotective ones, and conservatives who wished for the days when we felt comfortable to let the kids run in the streets for 10 hours a day. ;)

Heath:
and now she has 8 more.  In any case, she's being investigated by CPS, so that should tell you something.  And they certainly aren't any better off for being poor, on welfare, with no father and 13 siblings...hard to argue against that, I think.

True, they'd probably be better off if she was rich.  But so would most kids that don't have rich parents.  And yes, 13 kids seems like way too many, but to me, 4 seems like too many.  I don't feel it's my business to tell octomom how many kids to have than it is my business to tell you or katisara how many kids to have.  While I can agree that I don't think she's making good choices, again, it's less my business than other bad choices being made, and I think the problems that will result from them will be less than other bad choices.

Heath:
I quickly looked up welfare costs.  I didn't find the latest stats, just up to 1995, but over 20% of our gross domestic product was spent on social welfare programs.  That was over $1.5 trillion in 1995 and is probably much higher now.

So:
Cost for the war: about $12 billion per month
Cost for welfare programs:  well over $125 billion per month

So it is not fair to use the cost of the war as the concern.  If money is your concern, welfare programs cost 10 times as much as the war each month, so under the standard you stated, you should be much more concerned about the welfare programs.

That reasoning is a bit tenuous.  I should be more angry at octomom because she's making up a minute fraction of the social welfare costs, and social wellfare costs are large?  Even though you tell me she's costing $100k a month, I should be upset at her for wellfare costing $125B?  That doesn't work for me.  I'm actually in favor of much of the social welfare spending.  Medicare/Medicaid?  I actually think those are pretty good things.  Not perfect, not by a long shot, but I'm in favor of spending money on them.  Health insurance for children?  Again, I'm for it, even if it's not perfect.  Octomom isn't the reason the bills are so large.  She's a rather unique case, I would argue.  I'm not worried that there's going to be a new fad of having 8 babies at a time all of a sudden.

quote:
  Compared to other places my tax dollars are going, this is neither that big, nor that offensive. 

Heath:
Hmmm....see my comment above.  Not big???

Again, you stated octomom was costing us $100k month.  Compared to those other numbers, I still think that's not very big.  And that money is going to aid those kids, which I think is a decent thing to spend money on.  Did the mom do something stupid?  Yes, I would say so, but I don't want to punish those kids to spite her for it.
badpenny
player, 2 posts
Fri 20 Mar 2009
at 14:58
  • msg #19

Re: Marriage: A Good Thing?

I think the most important thing for children is a stable and loving household.

Whether that consists of a single parent or a couple (hetero- or homo-sexual) is all what matters.

I don't think marriage is necessarily an ideal.  Some will argue that kids need two parents, but there are millions of examples of children who turn out just fine from being raised by a single [loving] parent.
Heath
GM, 4325 posts
Affiliation: LDS
Fri 20 Mar 2009
at 20:44
  • msg #20

Re: Marriage: A Good Thing?

The first heading of this article discusses the benefits of heterosexual marriage:

http://www.probe.org/site/c.fd...sexual_Marriages.htm

For those interested in the homosexual marriage issue, the headings down the page address that issue.  I like this because it is more fact based than preachy.
badpenny
player, 22 posts
Secular humanist
Fri 20 Mar 2009
at 21:01
  • msg #21

Re: Marriage: A Good Thing?

quote:
But God's character as revealed in the Bible should be our standard.


That says it all then, doesn't it?  So non-members of the church have to be held to the same standard?

I don't think I can disagree any more with the logic of this piece.  First of all, homosexuals in relationships are being labeled as being promiscuous in comparison to married heterosexuals.  First of all, heterosexual marriages are not being compared to homosexual marriages.  Second, why is there no condemnation of promiscuous unmarried heterosexuals, e.g. college students?  Well, this point being raised there would be by anyone who debates me.  OTOH, the promiscuity bomb is dropped in the article which is simply prejudicial and loaded.

No one REALLY knows what gay marriage is like because it hasn't been allowed to happen.  All of these examples that are "cited" are false comparisons.

I don't think anyone disagrees that a stable home is better for kids.  But I think it's hubris that Christians have a lock on happiness.
Tycho
GM, 2188 posts
Sat 21 Mar 2009
at 11:20
  • msg #22

Re: Marriage: A Good Thing?

In reply to Heath (msg #20):

I have to agree with badpenny on this one.  The article makes it explicit that it is opposed to homosexuality for religious reasons.

Also, as badpenny points out, it compares straight married couples to unmarried gay couples, and blames the entire difference on homosexuality, even though the first half the article points out the differences that marriage makes.  Further, though, it shouldn't matter if gay couples are statistically different.  Black couples are statistically different from white couples in the US, but it would be unethical to bar them from marriage.  Rich couples are statistically different from poor couples, but it would be unethical to ban poor from getting married.  Educated couples are statistically different to uneducated couples, but it would be unethical to ban uneducated people from getting married.  All this shows that the "homosexuals have a different rate of X, therefor they shouldn't be allowed to marry" is a fallacious argument, which we reject in many other cases.

Lastly, after listing the benefits of marriage in the first half of the article, doesn't it make it all the more important to give homosexuals the right to marry?  If married people are happier, live longer, etc., it's not just an issue of what society "prefers" as Heath often tells us.  It's about denying very real, tangible benefits.  If marriage really does extend your lifespan, denying homosexuals the right to marry is effectively removing years from their lives.  If married couples really suffer less long-term illness, then denying homosexuals the right to marry is condemning them to illnesses they could otherwise avoid.

Heath will often tell us "all the legal benefits of marriage are available to homosexuals through other channels, so they don't need marriage to get these benefits."  This article tells us, though, that there are very real benefits beyond just the legal ones.  And banning gay marriage keeps homosexuals from getting them.  In light of this, Heath's position that marriage is just an issue of "a license granted to promote an ideal" rings hollow.  If we accept what this article tells us, it's not just a license.  It comes with many life-changing benefits.  Denying gays the right to marry in this case isn't just society telling them "sorry, that's not what we want to promote," it's actually knocking years off their life, reducing their happiness, and inflicting long-term illness on them.
katisara
GM, 3660 posts
Conservative human
Antagonist
Sat 21 Mar 2009
at 11:47
  • msg #23

Re: Marriage: A Good Thing?

Tycho:
Educated couples are statistically different to uneducated couples, but it would be unethical to ban uneducated people from getting married.


I know this is a little off on a tangent, but the RCC requires all couples go through about six months waiting period plus some education 'classes' and interviews before they got married. My wife and I had to actually pass a standardized test :) (I just copied all her answers). So indeed, they do require you be educated.

I'm of the opinion that, indeed, it could be ethical to ban people who are uneducated about marriage from getting married. Marriage is NOT a protected right, and it comes with some nice benefits, plus as a contract it is oftentimes abused. We require proof before offering tax breaks for running a small business or for claiming a child credit - why don't we ask for proof before allowing people to file jointly?
Tycho
GM, 2189 posts
Sat 21 Mar 2009
at 12:40
  • msg #24

Re: Marriage: A Good Thing?

Two points:  one, the catholic church is free to make you jump through whatever hoops it likes before it marries you.  It can make you walk across hot coals if it likes.  The government, on the other hand, can't.

Two, I'm not talking about "Educated about marriage," just plain educated.  I hope we all agree it would be wrong for the government to ban people without a master degree or higher from marrying, even though people with higher education levels are statistically different in many categories.
katisara
GM, 3661 posts
Conservative human
Antagonist
Sat 21 Mar 2009
at 13:43
  • msg #25

Re: Marriage: A Good Thing?

I understand both points (2 I should have clarified - I realized what you were talking about, but it brought up another point for me). But that doesn't change the question - should they?
Tycho
GM, 2194 posts
Sat 21 Mar 2009
at 13:58
  • msg #26

Re: Marriage: A Good Thing?

Should they require a test on what marriage means before granting a marriage license?  I guess I wouldn't be particularly bothered by it (though, depending on who gets to write the test, it could be abused).
katisara
GM, 3662 posts
Conservative human
Antagonist
Sat 21 Mar 2009
at 15:44
  • msg #27

Re: Marriage: A Good Thing?

Presumably it would be a test on what marriage means as an institution, whether there are any outside forces which might be pushing you to marriage without actual consent (under the influence, trying to get a green card, etc.) Failure on these would mean no license. There would also be a compatibility test, which wouldn't keep you from getting married, but would make sure you know how much you know or don't know about your SO.
Tycho
GM, 2195 posts
Sun 22 Mar 2009
at 10:56
  • msg #28

Re: Marriage: A Good Thing?

What it legally means, or what it ideally means?  There's the danger, I think.  As people have differing views on the later, and depending on who gets to write the test (or grade it), it could be used to discriminate against those with opposing view points.
katisara
GM, 3663 posts
Conservative human
Antagonist
Sun 22 Mar 2009
at 11:33
  • msg #29

Re: Marriage: A Good Thing?

The legal intent (and ramifications) of marriage - that they do in fact live together, monogamously. How children are dealt with, how personal finances are dealt with, the sort of things people should try before seeking a divorce (the things a judge would probably tell them to do anyway), etc.
Tycho
GM, 2196 posts
Mon 23 Mar 2009
at 09:16
  • msg #30

Re: Marriage: A Good Thing?

But some of those are a bit subjective.  How to deal with personal finances?  How to deal with children?  I imagine if you asked the different married people here, even, you'd get at least slightly different descriptions of those.  If one person gets to write/grade the quiz the passing answers might be "the woman stays at home, raises the kids, and makes dinner for the man," but if another person gets to write the quiz, the passing answer might be "both parties should be treated as completely equal in all decisions, and both should share the work and child-raising equally," and those surely aren't the only two answers either.  As for living together, there's a fairly long tradition of people getting married just before one of them is sent off to war for months or years.

The legal specifics of marriage I could see being fairly objectively testing (ie, do you know what the legal agreement you're about to enter actually says), but intents and such seem more subjective, and that gives a lot of potential for abuse.
katisara
GM, 3666 posts
Conservative human
Antagonist
Mon 23 Mar 2009
at 13:12
  • msg #31

Re: Marriage: A Good Thing?

These issues are currently addressed by many programs, and can be kept pretty basic. Even as (I think) a good parent, I'm not going to agree with most other parents on at least something, but there are some things no one can disagree with; kids need good nutrition. It is against the law to do X. Kids need to get regular medical care. If you are seriously concerned for your mental health, you can call X. In the case of a medical emergency, call X.

I'm talking about the basic stuff people get arrested for not doing.
TheMonk
player, 10 posts
LDS, buddhist, theist,
zen, hippy
Mon 23 Mar 2009
at 14:32
  • msg #32

Re: Marriage: A Good Thing?

Going back to Octomom's kids:
A quick use of the calculator, the assumption that 115000 a month is accurate, and that it was for the bundle of 8 (instead of each), means that if you are a taxpayer in the U.S. for all of your life you will help pay the debt of 24.84 million during their first 18. They can be considered minors for certain civil benefits up to the age of 23, I think, but those won't go to Octomom.
Tycho
GM, 2201 posts
Mon 23 Mar 2009
at 14:50
  • msg #33

Re: Marriage: A Good Thing?

I don't think we should expect to pay $100k for these kids every month for their entire lives.  That's more than $10k each, every month.  I haven't seen see any reason to expect them to be getting that much from the government for 18 years.
Vexen
player, 348 posts
Mon 23 Mar 2009
at 17:26
  • msg #34

Re: Marriage: A Good Thing?

And what would be the purpose, Katisara? Yeah, I get the informing perspective couples of the terms of marriage part, but what happens to those who fail the test? Are they not married?

And, if they're not allowed to marry, do you really believe that will stop them from cohabitation and creating families? In the end, I don't feel it will change anything, only the effects on marriage statistics. I mean, I really do want to take you at your word that this is an altruistic effort, and it may be, but a certain skeptical part of me feels like this is an effort to change the statistics on marriage to a more favorable light, rather than actually solving relationship problems. In essence, a way to distinguish the "real marriages" from the next.

People are still going to be in said relationship, even if they're not allowed to marry, and they will still have children. And, if you really believe in the goodness and benefits of marriage that many have posted on these forums, all it seems one is doing to denying said benefits to families that arguably need them the most.
katisara
GM, 3668 posts
Conservative human
Antagonist
Mon 23 Mar 2009
at 18:46
  • msg #35

Re: Marriage: A Good Thing?

Vexen:
Yeah, I get the informing perspective couples of the terms of marriage part, but what happens to those who fail the test? Are they not married?


We'd probably have to seize their genitals, just to be sure.

Seriously, their not getting married isn't a big loss. They had no idea what they were doing beforehand. If you say "here's our pamphlet on 'how not to get arrested for child abuse'. Come in again tomorrow and take the test again," then you're at least encouraging awareness. People who show signs of not only being incompetent parents, but downright dangerous parents, probably should not get the tax benefits meant for encouraging stable family units, so there's a financial encouragement there too.

I mean sure, even though we put "slow, tight turn ahead" signs up, some people still drive too fast at dangerous spots and drive off the road, some people may slow down and think a bit harder first.
Vexen
player, 352 posts
Tue 24 Mar 2009
at 00:36
  • msg #36

Re: Marriage: A Good Thing?

I think you find it an acceptable loss if they can't get married. I'm not sure they or their churches would. There's a hefty deal of anti-intellectualism in certain sects of this country that won't take very kindly to the notion that only people who can pass a technical heavy exam can marry. There are people who would see this is a human rights issue, or even a religious issue, who see the government regulating marriage as an act of unholy tyranny by the state.

It's not that I disagree with the concept. I too wish people would take marriage more seriously. But I'm not entirely sure it can be implemented in a way without either unfairness or without heavy political opposition.

Not to mention, I'm not sure it'll work even if it could be implemented in a fair way. It may be different where you live, but around here, people hardly pay attention to following the rules they were taught to pass the driving exams, to attain a license. The way one drives in those tests seems to be a very poor indicator of how they will drive from that point on. In essence, it seems that all it will force people to do is to, at large, teach to the test, instead of giving them real life lessons.
Heath
GM, 4332 posts
Affiliation: LDS
Tue 24 Mar 2009
at 20:04
  • msg #37

Re: Marriage: A Good Thing?

Tycho:
I don't think we should expect to pay $100k for these kids every month for their entire lives.  That's more than $10k each, every month.  I haven't seen see any reason to expect them to be getting that much from the government for 18 years.

Actually, the amount was in the neighborhood of $113k per month according the news article.  That included food, rent, clothes, nanny care (which will be required for that many kids), meeting their special needs, health care costs (such as neonatal care and ongoing care), etc.  And I think the number was based on her 14 kids, not just the 8 newborns.  I thought the number seemed high too, but the article broke it down, and it made sense.

I don't know if it said for 18 years worth of their lives.  Probably depends on their ongoing health care needs.
Tycho
GM, 2205 posts
Tue 24 Mar 2009
at 20:18
  • msg #38

Re: Marriage: A Good Thing?

Like I said, I don't see any reason to expect $10k per kid per month to last 18 years.  For things like neonatal care, sure, I could see that (and wouldn't object to that money being spent--again, I don't want to punish those kids for their mother's bad decision).  But I wouldn't expect those expenses to stay that high for their 18 years.
Heath
GM, 4338 posts
Affiliation: LDS
Tue 24 Mar 2009
at 20:21
  • msg #39

Re: Marriage: A Good Thing?

I agree with you.  Don't punish the kids...

The point is that she made what I consider to be an awfully bad decision and now is like "whatever" (shrugging) and taking our tax money.  And if you watched the interviews, she's very hostile about her "right" to the money.  Her mother told her that people used to have to work to earn money to raise their kids.  She pretty much completely attacked her mother with comments indicating it's not like that anymore, and those standards don't apply now.

Shows the generation of entitlement.  Unfortunately, when those who work to earn the money for those who think their "entitled" take their money elsewhere, retire, or just plain give up, where's their "entitlement" money going to come from?
Heath
GM, 4340 posts
Affiliation: LDS
Tue 24 Mar 2009
at 20:25
  • msg #40

Re: Marriage: A Good Thing?

This isn't the article I initially read, but it's the same point (and mistakenly, I said $113,000 per month, but this article correctly states $135k per month).  Also, this article states that that is EXCLUSIVE of neonatal care:

quote:
Octomom's angels who are scheduled to provide $135,000. plus monthly in neonatal care are possibly broke.

The “Angels in Waiting” charity offering to help Nadya Suleman cover her bills hasn’t exactly been rolling in the money. The Octomom needs an estimated $135,000 per month to care for her kids.

http://www.monstersandcritics....gels%5C_may_be_broke
Tycho
GM, 2208 posts
Tue 24 Mar 2009
at 20:35
  • msg #41

Re: Marriage: A Good Thing?

Still sounds to me like it's a short term thing (or, at least I haven't seen anything indicating otherwise).  Even if it's for 14 kids, that still nearly $10k per month each, which seems well over what many people manage to spend on their kids.

And I don't disagree that octomom's feelings of entitlement are bad, but again, I'm more worried about the financial sector's feeling of entitlement at the moment.  If we sort out the economy, and stop giving away billions to banks, wrap up the wars we're spending billions on, etc., then maybe I'll have some left over rage to point in octomom's direction.
Heath
GM, 4343 posts
Affiliation: LDS
Tue 24 Mar 2009
at 20:40
  • msg #42

Re: Marriage: A Good Thing?

Tycho:
Still sounds to me like it's a short term thing (or, at least I haven't seen anything indicating otherwise).  Even if it's for 14 kids, that still nearly $10k per month each, which seems well over what many people manage to spend on their kids. 

That's the point, though.  Because she has 14 kids and no husband, she requires much more costly care than the average person who works and has someone to take care of a reasonable brood.  She's going to require around the clock nanny care from several nannies, which wouldn't happen if she had made an intelligent decision instead of relying on the state to support after making a terrible decision.

My point is that she should adopt out the children.  (I think her own mother said the same thing.)
Tycho
GM, 2211 posts
Tue 24 Mar 2009
at 20:47
  • msg #43

Re: Marriage: A Good Thing?

I would probably agree, though, I wouldn't feel she should be forced to do it by you or me or the government.
Heath
GM, 4349 posts
Affiliation: LDS
Tue 24 Mar 2009
at 20:54
  • msg #44

Re: Marriage: A Good Thing?

I disagree.  That's why we have CPS.  For the best interests of the children, if they should be separated from their mother (and it appears here they probably should...because she's a stark raving lunatic), then they should be adopted out, hopefully to family members, if possible.
Tycho
GM, 2213 posts
Tue 24 Mar 2009
at 20:59
  • msg #45

Re: Marriage: A Good Thing?

If the kids health is suffering, that's one thing.  The fact that you and I (and anyone else) disagree with her view, though, is another.  I'm sure you wouldn't want to give, say prop 8 opponents, the right to determine if you were a lunatic that couldn't raise his own kids.  There've been plenty of people in the past that managed to raise 14 kids.  In fact, it wouldn't have been consider all that bizarre 100 years ago (though, of course 8 at one time would be!).  Taking people's kids away is a very big deal, and shouldn't be done lightly.  Ideological differences shouldn't be what determines who gets to have kids and who doesn't.
Heath
GM, 4353 posts
Affiliation: LDS
Tue 24 Mar 2009
at 21:26
  • msg #46

Re: Marriage: A Good Thing?

You're trying to make a generalization.  I'm talking about this woman specifically.  CPS has already visited her with the intention of possibly taking away the children.  (There are other factors too, not the least of which is that she lost one of her kids before and threatened suicide and said she only had the children so she could get a girl.)

So you're point is that other people have raised 14 kids just fine?  Give me an example of one single mom (or dad) who raised that many children that close together in age.  I'm interested to see.
TheMonk
player, 17 posts
LDS, buddhist, theist,
zen, hippy, bastard
Tue 24 Mar 2009
at 21:31
  • msg #47

Re: Marriage: A Good Thing?

In reply to Heath (msg #44):

Personal experience says that the children would have to be on the brink of death to be taken away from their mother, regardless of her intentions about the girl.

If it was the father, on the other hand, those kids would be long gone.

That might be dependent on the state.
Heath
GM, 4355 posts
Affiliation: LDS
Tue 24 Mar 2009
at 21:37
  • msg #48

Re: Marriage: A Good Thing?

Unfortunately, I think you're right.  To the detriment of the children.
Grandmaster Cain
player, 94 posts
Wed 25 Mar 2009
at 00:43
  • msg #49

Re: Marriage: A Good Thing?

Heath:
You're trying to make a generalization.  I'm talking about this woman specifically.  CPS has already visited her with the intention of possibly taking away the children.  (There are other factors too, not the least of which is that she lost one of her kids before and threatened suicide and said she only had the children so she could get a girl.)

Being investigated by CPS isn't the same thing as a conviction of child abuse.  We still have "Innocent until proven guilty", you know.  Personally, I think any heavily-publicized case is going to attract CPS attention.

While I agree that there's plenty of reasons to question Octomom's motives, there isn't any hard evidence suggesting that she's a bad parent.
TheMonk
player, 20 posts
LDS, buddhist, theist,
zen, hippy, bastard
Wed 25 Mar 2009
at 06:10
  • msg #50

Re: Marriage: A Good Thing?

In reply to Grandmaster Cain (msg #49):

The CPS can, and has, removed a child from the custody of a parent without "proof" of wrong-doing on the part of the parent. It's part of their emergency powers.
katisara
GM, 3672 posts
Conservative human
Antagonist
Wed 25 Mar 2009
at 13:28
  • msg #51

Re: Marriage: A Good Thing?

These childrens' health has and will suffer. 8 children in one birth results in similar effects as a pre-term birth. The most common side effects are things like asthma, severe allergy problems, lung diseases, and other forms of ill-health. More severe problems can include heart problems and brain damage. If all 8 of the kids grow up without severe medical consequences, they can count themselves as lucky. These are all medical problems that will continue throughout their life. You can expect neonatal care to be extremely expensive in the first two years, but that will decrease in time.

And again, this is the #1 reason why the doctor should be carted off to jail - he knowingly out all 8 children and the mom at extreme medical risk, in violation of his oath. The mother similarly is responsible for putting her children at risk, although it's not an ongoing thing (they've already been born), and she didn't take an oath we can prosecute her on. Still, I imagine in the near future she'll prove to be unable to properly care for her children - even with an $800k/month "allowance" from Uncle Sam.
katisara
GM, 5659 posts
Conservative human
Antagonist
Wed 9 Jul 2014
at 18:31
  • msg #52

Re: Marriage: A Good Thing?

Interesting study; pressure to avoid premarital sex and to marry early increase the rate of divorce, however, regular church attendance reduced it:

http://thefederalist.com/2014/...be-bad-for-marriage/
Bart
player, 45 posts
Thu 10 Jul 2014
at 05:30
  • msg #53

Re: Marriage: A Good Thing?

That seems like a silly study.  A belief in God is sort of a big thing.  If one person absolutely believes in a particular type of God, while the other person actively believes in something else, it sort of seems like a no brainer that these conflicting beliefs will turn into a source of conflict.  If a marriage is rocky enough that there's already plenty of gist for conflict, then throwing that extra straw onto the camel's back may very well be what breaks the marriage.

You sort of need to look for someone with compatible religi-socio-economic values, or be prepared to work a heck of a lot harder than you otherwise might have to work to keep that marriage going.  Note: I didn't say the same background, just the same values.
katisara
GM, 5663 posts
Conservative human
Antagonist
Thu 10 Jul 2014
at 12:35
  • msg #54

Re: Marriage: A Good Thing?

I will say, one of the best things my background provided for us was pushing us to attend marriage counseling beforehand (and making it affordable!!) We went to Marriage Encounter, which is run by the RCC, but open to anyone (it obviously has a Christian bent, but we had a few Jewish people and a few agnostics, and if you're willing to change 'pray' to 'meditate', the lessons and background are still solid.)

The Church does also require that everyone go through a few meetings with your priest, but aside from spotting really obvious issues, that wasn't the biggest help. ME cost probably about $200 for a full weekend (it's almost totally donation-based though, so you can go for free), but it was worth ten times that, easily.

I don't know if other churches have this sort of thing; but as someone out in the world, I totally feel for people who want to work on their relationships, but don't have a few thousand lying around to get the help they need.
Tycho
GM, 3943 posts
Sun 13 Jul 2014
at 18:01
  • msg #55

Re: Marriage: A Good Thing?

In reply to katisara (msg # 54):

I always found it a bit funny that the RCC requires that chat with a priest thing.  Seems odd to get advice on marriage, sex, and kids from someone who's vowed to never have any of them!
Grandmaster Cain
player, 817 posts
Meddling son of
a bezelwort
Sun 13 Jul 2014
at 22:08
  • msg #56

Re: Marriage: A Good Thing?

I'm of mixed thoughts on it.  While I can see a benefit in going through pre-marriage counseling, I think it's kind of mercenary to require a couple to pay for it.  I know some churches require that you go through their counseling in order to be married in their church, but for all the ones I've seen, it's either free or covered under the costs of the wedding ceremony.  $200 seems excessive in relation.
katisara
GM, 5668 posts
Conservative human
Antagonist
Tue 15 Jul 2014
at 14:25
  • msg #57

Re: Marriage: A Good Thing?

Marriage Encounter isn't required. My parents covered it for us though, just because it's a *really* solid program. Chat with the priest is free.

Yeah, I agree that meeting with the priest was sort of... well, not the hugest help. But at the same time, we probably spent 40 minutes there, so there's not a lot that the most experienced counselor can do with that time. It was really focused on the very basic things though; we didn't meet in Vegas the night before, it wasn't a shotgun wedding, our beliefs were not totally incompatible. The idea being that the priest can speak out against the sort of situations that anyone with any sense would recognize as being issues.
TheMonk
player, 107 posts
Atheist
Most of the time
Fri 25 Jul 2014
at 17:00
  • msg #58

Re: Marriage: A Good Thing?

I have friends that live in relationships with multiple partners or fully open. Once in a great while someone will leave and take children with, causing all manner of consternation without much legal recourse, but they seem genuinely happy and it doesn't strike me as a horrible way in which to live as long as all involved are informed.

The children don't seem to have problems either, saving that it's a nontraditional way of living that typically gets flak from the larger and less understanding public.

The fully open relationship doesn't really involve the kids in any way and is largely a way for the adults to reach sexual satisfaction.
katisara
GM, 5670 posts
Conservative human
Antagonist
Tue 5 Aug 2014
at 15:52
  • msg #59

Re: Marriage: A Good Thing?

Sorry for being so quiet. My sister is getting married this week, and next week is GenCon.

But more on topic ... my sister is getting married this week! (And it is a good thing ;) )
Grandmaster Cain
player, 822 posts
Meddling son of
a bezelwort
Wed 6 Aug 2014
at 08:16
  • msg #60

Re: Marriage: A Good Thing?

katisara:
Marriage Encounter isn't required. My parents covered it for us though, just because it's a *really* solid program. Chat with the priest is free.

Yeah, I agree that meeting with the priest was sort of... well, not the hugest help. But at the same time, we probably spent 40 minutes there, so there's not a lot that the most experienced counselor can do with that time. It was really focused on the very basic things though; we didn't meet in Vegas the night before, it wasn't a shotgun wedding, our beliefs were not totally incompatible. The idea being that the priest can speak out against the sort of situations that anyone with any sense would recognize as being issues.

"Strongly suggested" is basically the same as "required" in many churches.  Like I said, I don't see any harm with pre-marriage counseling, and I accept that some churches even require it to be married there.  I still think it's mercenary to make them pay for it, though.

One church I went to required 3 sessions before they'd bless the union and allow the ceremony to be performed there.  A one-on-one with the church counselor for each spouse, and then a group session together.  It was a bit cumbersome, but it was technically free-- the cost was covered under the ceremony fees.  That was less mercenary.
katisara
GM, 5671 posts
Conservative human
Antagonist
Sat 9 Aug 2014
at 21:32
  • msg #61

Re: Marriage: A Good Thing?

I don't know who said "strongly suggested". Marriage/Engaged Encounter was strongly suggested by my parents to me because it's a really good program. Our priest never mentioned it, nor did any other member of the Church (aside from other family friends).

However, the priest counseling is in fact required. They won't conduct the ceremony without it. There is a cost associated with it; I don't recall how much. Something on the order of $50 for them to do the little questionnaire, plus some other miniscule amount for the church space for the day of. (Our whole wedding + reception was under $3,000 and the majority of that was dinner.) The whole thing is extremely cheap if you're a member of the Church, and they'll waive it if you're in any sort of financial need (we weren't, so paying $200 for four hours was fine).
Bart
player, 49 posts
Mon 11 Aug 2014
at 00:34
  • msg #62

Re: Marriage: A Good Thing?

My church is a little different.  You must have a chat with the Bishop for him to perform the ceremony.  The chat is free, and the building itself is also free to use.  You can decorate however you want, as long as you can put the building back the way it was afterward.
PeaceLoveScience
player, 1 post
Agnostic Atheist
Med. Biochemistry, B.S.
Mon 11 Aug 2014
at 02:01
  • msg #63

Re: Marriage: A Good Thing?

Heath:
The question is:

Is marriage good for individuals?

Is marriage the preferred state for those with children?

Vexen says most agree that marriage is a good thing.  That's what I'm wondering.  I always assumed that too, but statistics don't seem to support that long held assumption.


I would argue that marriage is indeed good for individuals. Consider that married individuals are more likely to volunteer than single individuals, and that volunteerism both benefits individuals and communities. Of course, there are some differences between men and women, but childbearing also can increase volunteerism.

Consider "A Time to Join, A Time to Quit: The Influence of Life Cycle Transitions on Voluntary Association Membership" by Rotolo and "Volunteer Work and Well-Being" by Thoits and Hewitt for more information on that.

In another interesting article, specifically on general surgery residents, married residents were both happier about actually going to work, enjoyed their jobs more, and felt like they belonged in their respective programs more than non-married residents. However, there were issues with family strain and financial security if children were involved, but the positive benefits were still there.

See: "Effect of Marriage and Children on the Experience of 4402 US General
Surgery Residents" by Sullivan et al.

I understand that the conclusions of these articles are extremely limited, but I believe marriage tends to be an overall beneficial thing for both individuals and society as a whole.

As for the question of the effect of marriage on parents and their children, the effect is largely a beneficial one. Just take a look at any single-mother statistics, and you'll find your answer. Of course, early teen marriage is another story, but there's still a difference between the success of unmarried, teenage mothers and that of married ones. There's also research that I've seen on the effects of marriage on poverty; transitioning from a single-mother household to a married household can be efficacious.

I think it almost goes without saying that, just like two heads are better than one, two parents are better than one for raising children. Two parents can mean more familial income and more time spent with children (which has a huge impact on future success). Human beings are social animals, and marriage is a social contract, so there's that aspect of things too; it's no wonder than marriage can increase happiness, or encourage people to volunteer and the like.
Grandmaster Cain
player, 823 posts
Meddling son of
a bezelwort
Mon 11 Aug 2014
at 05:54
  • msg #64

Re: Marriage: A Good Thing?

katisara:
I don't know who said "strongly suggested". Marriage/Engaged Encounter was strongly suggested by my parents to me because it's a really good program. Our priest never mentioned it, nor did any other member of the Church (aside from other family friends).

However, the priest counseling is in fact required. They won't conduct the ceremony without it. There is a cost associated with it; I don't recall how much. Something on the order of $50 for them to do the little questionnaire, plus some other miniscule amount for the church space for the day of. (Our whole wedding + reception was under $3,000 and the majority of that was dinner.) The whole thing is extremely cheap if you're a member of the Church, and they'll waive it if you're in any sort of financial need (we weren't, so paying $200 for four hours was fine).

That's not so bad.  It sounds like the counseling cost is just a token.  However, I do know of some churches that require more costly marriage counseling before allowing you to be married.  That, I think is mercenary.
Tycho
GM, 3944 posts
Mon 11 Aug 2014
at 09:03
  • msg #65

Re: Marriage: A Good Thing?

In reply to PeaceLoveScience (msg # 63):

Some good points there.  One thing I would think is important to consider when discussing marriage in the US is the different ways it is view/treated by different socio-economic groups.

There's been a trend in the relatively recent past (last few decades) where the college-educated tend to treat marriage as a "capstone" event: something that you do once you've completed your education, started your career, and become financially stable.  Such folks tend to get married in their early 30s or so, and have kids a bit afterwards.  From what I've read, this out well for them, in terms of happiness, financial stability, stability of the marriages, success of children, etc.

In contrast, the trend for lower-income folks in the states has been more towards getting married and having kids early (late teens to mid-twenties, say), before they are financially stable, have established a career, etc.  Such marriages more frequently end in divorce, produce less well-adjusted kids (compared to the first group), and have more financially instability.

This difference in habits complicates the discussion of "is marriage a good thing" somewhat, and means we have to be a bit careful when looking at figures.  In the first group, we have people who are, in some sense "doing okay" before they get married, and end up "still doing okay" once they're married.  In the second group we have people that are struggling a bit before they get married (or perhaps aren't struggling yet, but are close), who end up struggling after they get married.  There's a temptation to compare the folks in one group to the other, and say "why does their marriage work, but not yours?" but to a degree, that's just showing that being financially stable tends to lead to desirable outcomes.

Somewhat more interesting is the question of whether the two different models are both useful/beneficial?  The former model is a "stability first, marriage as a reward afterwards" view the latter is a "marriage early, to be used as a tool to get through the instability" view.  For those who have the option of sorting out their own situation before getting married, waiting until you're older seems to work out well.  But most of those who are getting married young are in more difficult positions, and "sorting out their own situation" may be very difficult.  The question of whether an early marriage is a net benefit to them is an interesting one, and one importantly, not one that's actually answered by just looking at the people who waited (and also happened to be in better financial straights to begin with).

There's also an issue of pressure to conform, and whether doing a good thing for the wrong reasons is beneficial or not.  If one group of people get married for their own reasons, and have success, that can create social pressure to get married.  If you're getting married because of social pressure, it's an open question (in my view, at least) as to whether you should expect to get the same benefits as people who got married without that pressure.  (If that's a bit unclear, imagine it this way:  An older brother goes into law school because he thinks he'd be good at it, and makes a lot of money, and is viewed as successful by his family.  They then turn around at tell the younger brother "Look, you should be look your older brother! Go to law school!"  But the younger brother has different skills, and doesn't think he'd be a good lawyer.  But because of the family pressure, he goes into law as well.  Is he likely to see the same success as his brother?  What's good for one, may not be good for all.  Pressuring everyone to do X just because some group had success with X may not actually work out as hoped).

Another issue to consider is that comparing "single mothers" to "married households" and seeing that "married households" do better (by some metric), and then concluding that "thus marriage is good" is to overlook the fact that more than 1 variable has been changed in that experiment.  I think most people would agree that two-parent households offer many advantages over one-parent households (though not in all cases--two parents that are constantly fighting can well be worse than just having one), not all two-parent households are married households.  You can have a two-parent household without the parents being married.  By comparing single mothers to married households, its easy to mis-attribute the benefits to the marriage, rather than to the fact that there are two parents present.  This is relevant for people who plan to stick together and raise their kids, and are wondering if marriage will be beneficial for them.  They're going to be a two-parent household in either case.  The question of "married households vs. single mothers" doesn't really apply to their situation, and thus arguably shouldn't be used to inform their decision.
katisara
GM, 5672 posts
Conservative human
Antagonist
Mon 11 Aug 2014
at 17:49
  • msg #66

Re: Marriage: A Good Thing?

Grandmaster Cain:
However, I do know of some churches that require more costly marriage counseling before allowing you to be married.  That, I think is mercenary.


I would agree. The same applies to most other forms of counseling. Those who need it the most can usually afford it the least! A Church's job shouldn't be to profit off of those people, but to do everything they can to provide for them regardless of whether they can afford to pay.

That said, the RCC does have a number of other requirements, for instance the style of ceremony, the location, etc. That sort of thing pushed my sister to not get married in the Church and our father couldn't perform it, because she didn't want to meet the Church requirements.
PeaceLoveScience
player, 4 posts
Agnostic Atheist
Med. Biochemistry, B.S.
Tue 2 Sep 2014
at 06:29
  • msg #67

Re: Marriage: A Good Thing?

In reply to Tycho (msg # 65):

I agree with all of your above points. I think the biggest thing to come out of that is the notion that "one size doesn't always fit all," even when it comes to marriage. I suppose it's more accurate to speak towards statistics than probabilities (i.e., just because more married people tend to be "X," doesn't mean that one will certainly be "X" if they become married; causation v. correlation). The variables will always be wide and render comparisons invalid when comparing across financial situations and the like, but that's what I loved about the Sullivan et al. article, since it compared married to non-married individuals within a population of the same profession (and, as surgery residents, similar income status as well, I might think). So, while I can't speak towards individual probabilities, I think that the statistical benefits are fairly valid (despite the individual variability and the like, or the model used) even if speaking strictly from a financial perspective.
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