Re: Chapter 3.5- A knock in the night
Kitty could not help but shudder.
"I remember...I had bad dreams as a child, but nothing I could recall the next day, just...an overall feeling of dread. As I got older, the dreams got worse, and I began to remember them. The face I could not see, but a pair of eyes, boring into me; words that sent chills into my blood, even though they usually made no sense to me; pictures, symbols...things I did not understand. By the time my sister left home it had become bad - she never talked about them, but I knew she had them sometimes too, I know it was part of why she ran away. For a time after Blackbird left the dreams subsided, and it was just the house that was bad. I tried to live life at home and be a good girl, but by then my parents were arguing, and my father'd gotten into drink. Things at home got worse without the dreams, and finally I couldn't take it anymore and ran away."
She was surprised how all this came out so matter-of-factly to these strangers, when even with her own sister she could not speak of such things, but she supposed life was different now.
"After I ran away, life became very...difficult. I didn't have any nightmares, perhaps because my waking life had plenty of hardships. Mr. Shaw has possibly told you some of my background; I have no wish to discuss any of the details here, but...suffice to say I had enough on my plate that even if I did have bad dreams during the time between when I ran away and when I got to London, I have no memory of them. No, the first time in a long time that the dreams came back is when I went to London to see my sister: straight away I knew something was going to be wrong, I just didn't know what. How could I possibly know? I know now that the Ripper murders were in the newspapers, but...at the time, when I was in Edinburgh, let's just say reading the newspapers was not something that occupied my mind."
She did not want to think on those days; Cardiff had not been pleasant, but Edinburgh had been Hell, or so she thought at the time. Caught between vicious street gangs and crooked police, it was all she could do to survive from day to day. When word came that someone had seen her sister in London, it seemed to hold such promise. But the promise had turned out to be a lie, just as New York had been so far. Or perhaps she was still just as stupid and ignorant of the real world as she had been when she first left home, as if the past 8 years had taught her absolutely nothing at all, had all been for nought.
"In London, in my dream the face said something like 'now was when past bills got paid', or something like that. I thought it was just nonsense then; now I don't know. Until yesterday, I did not even know such things as demons really could exist. It was the first I'd had in a long time, and I don't know why it happened, only that after it, and after finding out my sister was dead, I needed to get out of London as soon as I could. So, I did."
She looked at the African woman's eyes as steadily as she could.
"I have already lived my life in danger, though not perhaps the kind of danger you both speak of, or perhaps I did but never knew. I have not felt safe since I was a child, and rarely even then. All I know is I am tired, tired of running, tired of being afraid, tired of having nothing to live for, but not the courage to end it all, and just...just tired. I feel dead inside, like a famine, and I feel like I need to fill my life with something before I burn down to nothing."
She said no more, and simply drank the liquid given to her - she was surprised it was water, she'd expected it to be gin, or something stronger, but she did not care. It was worth it just to be able to speak about these things and get them off her chest: bad enough to live the life she'd had, but to do so alone, and with no one to confide in or share with, that had made her burden far worse. As much as these people had turned out to be nothing she'd anticipated, she felt the reverse was probably true for her in their eyes. And maybe they did not wish to endure such complications.
Even so, just to speak as she did already made her feel better.