Return of Panian


In reply to Theodoric (msg # 11):
"Theodoric, what happened in the mirror was strange and unique. It will be difficult to explain without best guesses and approximations. Much of it has to do with the beliefs of this strange land. Arabelle has taught me that in Ravenloft, there are two mysterious... Entities, if you will. Charani could probably explain more easily than I could. Being the only one native to this plane of existence, and being Vistani, well, she knows a great deal more than those of us not of this demiplane could know. I believe in many ways she is our best hope of navigating these lands successfully. There is truth to those cards she has. She has greater power to guide us than we could possibly imagine. I don't understand how it is all interwoven, but we are strangers in a strange land.
Those two things are the Mists and the Dark Powers. In Ravenloft, everyone... the commoners and Darklords... the Elves who have lived a thousand years and the humans who have lived but 70... everyone... everyone knows of the Dark Powers. In name at least. People do not know if they are malevolent or good, or if they even truly exist and are simply the manifestation of fate in this land. No one knows if the Dark Powers are in league with the Darklords, or are their jailers... Is Ravenloft a prison for the cursed? If so, why are we here? No one knows the whims and reasoning of the Dark Powers. And the Mists are just as mysterious. An arm of the Dark Powers? The Dark Powers themselves? I'm sorry for all the rhetorical questions, but It does not seem fully explainable. But it does give us a glimpse into the mysterious nature of this land.
The best way I could explain what happened since I was killed was that the Dark Powers tested us. I am not a very religious person. Possibly of the whole group, I was the least spiritually inclined. But... I believe the Dark Powers Tested whether or not the group could survive and were playing, in their strange way, a game to determine what we meant to the land. The Great Old One Lelothot was involved somehow, possibly against her will... More on that soon...
I know that I died because those closest to me had turned their backs upon me. And Upon Nymeria. She understood as no one else did what it was like to live off the lifeblood of another creature. To become a creature of darkness. To be manipulated by powerful Darklords and twisted at their will. And this is not a guilt trip. While I was cursed with Vampirism, I admit I did terrible things. Things I should have never done... would have never done if I was of right mind and spirit...
Utilizing my death in the mirror, I believe the Dark Powers played a strange game. They put you all into a situation to test the bonds of love and friendship. To see if our group was truly the heroes who could help vanquish Darklords or a petty band of adventurers, each with their own agenda.
You all passed, as many times as you came close to the abandonment of the quest, or the splintering of the group. As you drove forth to save Alexi and help Jander, you could have split a dozen times. But your faith that it was the right thing to do held you together. Together you believed in Nymeria.
And she showed great resilience and sacrifice and patience. She never wrested the aims of the group from Charani, never turned against Daveak and Krysnys for their Lycanthropy, never abandoned Theodoric regardless of his overbearing nature. And at every turn, even in his death, she defended Panian and thus saved his spirit from being lost forever. She nearly destroyed herself in the process. The Pact has taken much from her. Not just her beloved spellbook, but her hair, eyes, her finger. The mental anguish of it all. She proved that friendship was stronger than pain and meant sacrifice. She never wavered, much in the same way that I never wavered in giving the Knife to Sodo. Our friendship, bound by the Blood Oath of our people and our culture as Elves, is unbreakable, and she proved it.
Regardless... My spirit learned much about the essence and importance of friendship and trust while I was dead. Time works differently. Awareness is changed. I don't know, it's hard to explain... But regardless, it is for all that I previously mentioned that I believe that I was killed and no one else died in the mirrors.
I don't know if Lelothot is a Dark Power, or if she is associated with them, or what. Maybe she saw this as a way to get a powerful spellcaster (Nymeria) on her side or indebted to her. I believe that Lelothot is an extremely powerful being we cannot hope to fully understand. However, i believe she is not one of the Dark Powers, and that the Dark Powers were also playing a game with her, by bringing back her archnemesis Mokellos and making her repeat history in a possibly fatal way, this is simply her way of thanking Nymeria and utilizing her power and friendship to prevent her destruction.
I will not judge Nymeria's future path, for I am indebted to her with my life. I believe her to be the most wise and selfless person I know. For all the troubles I have caused her, she continues to defend me and sacrifice for me. It breaks my heart to know how much anguish she must have went through. And I will share upon these overwhelming feelings next time we commune. I fear it to an extent, because I will be wracked with overwhelming pain and anguish. However, Communion is sacred and I must share in the experiences.