"Always." Mom said. "Always. You always need to think that. That's the most important thing for young boys and girls to do and think about."

"That's where your Dad went wrong." Mom explained. "He only thought about himself?"

"I shouldn't tell you this Shawn. Because you're young." Mom said, with a tone that indicated she was about to do exactly that.

"Dad only thought of himself. The whole time in that house, at dinner, when he would work on those projects in the back yard...remember those times?"

"All of those times, I was thinking, 'What about me?'"

Shawn didn’t want to trash talk his Dad, but he also didn’t want to make his Mom angry by defending him. So he just went to her side and squeezed her hand. “That sounds really hard.” Of course, inwardly he was wondering if maybe she was talking about Shawn, too. Maybe he was also selfish, worrying about how this stuff was affecting him.

"You can be very selfish too." Mom said casually, confirming Shawn's feelings. "Sometimes I wonder if you think too much about how things might be for you. What friends you have. Whether or not you'll get to see your father. Really none of that is important. You know why? Because they say...well, someone said 'Nothing is like a Mother's love.'"

"Have you heard someone say that? It's true you know. And you know what else I heard someone say?" Mom asked rhetorically, not really waiting for a response nor mentioning who might have created these sayings of profound wisdom "Mother knows best."

"

Shawn nodded, apparently taking his Mom’s criticism to heart. It was almost exactly like how he acted when a director was giving him notes on his performance in a scene - even if people talking about a mistake you made hurt, he also knew that you had to look like you could take criticism without being a baby about it.
This message was last edited by the player at 12:32, Fri 01 May 2020.

"The other thing is...." Mom said, looking into Shawn's eyes. "You can be very selfish sometimes." She said in a soft tone as if she was revealing something to Shawn that she had never said before.

"I have a selfish son." She said.

"I...have a selfish son." She said again, emphasizing the "I" part of the sentence.

"My son is selfish." This time she closed her eyes, as if absorbing this truth was too much to bare.

Shawn met his Mom's gaze, and then hung his head. "I'm sorry Mom, I really am..." There was a catch in his voice, like he was about to cry. That wasn't acting, he really felt awful he'd disappointed her.

"And you've really disappointment me." Mom said, confirming both Shawn's disappointment and the reality of all that what being spoken about. All of the things that Mom said came down to that last sentence that hung in the air between them.

Shawn froze in shock as his Mom just laid out his biggest fear, plain as day - that he was a bad son, that he wasn't worth loving. And underneath the fear and the hurt, Shawn felt anger bubbling to the surface. It wasn't fair! He'd worked so hard to make her happy, done almost everything she asked of him, and it wasn't good enough for her!? But as soon as he realized that was how he was feeling, he pushed it away, crammed the anger deep down inside of him where it couldn't get out.

He wasn't making eye contact with his Mom, so he hoped she didn't see his weakness. He didn't want to cry in front of her - crying was selfish, it made things all about the crier, at least that's what he learned. So he just hung his head even more, hoping that she would stop, or at least explain how he could fix things.

Shawn's Mom got up from the table, the chair creaking protest at is slid across the cheap linoleum floor. The wall were thin and as Shawn hung his head he was certain that he heard a couple next door arguing. Their voices came on muffled and inaudible but the sound of an argument wasn't mistakable.

Shawn heard Mom open up a bottle. "We should talk about Dad." She said.

Shawn looked up at his Mom, trying to get a sense if she was still mad at him. He didn't want to talk about his Dad with her, but anything would be better than what she was talking about before. "Okay."

OOC: Shawn Rolls Wits + Empathy

"I don't think you should really feel bad about your father. You'll still get to see him. " Mom said, trying to console Shawn, her voice less disappointment and now switching to a soothing, mothering tone.

 Shawn pushed his feelings even further down as he looked up at his Mom. “Will you be okay?” He wanted to show he was thinking about his Mom first. Like a good kid would.

OOC: 11:41, Today: Shawn failed (no successes) using 3d10 with the World of Darkness nWoD system with a target of 8, rerolling 10s ((4,3,2)).

Shawn couldn't tell if Mom was happy or not. In this conversation, he was increasingly venturing into Mom's questions without the benefit of his usual tactics of intuition.

"No." Mom said flatly. "I'm not going to be OK until everything is OK. I hope you know that your father and I are going to be splitting up." Mom said. She let that hang in between Shawn and her for a second.

"That is why I won't be OK." Mom said. "But you know what? Doing the best at this moment puts you in the best place for the next moment." Mom said, now somehow speaking to herself almost giving herself a pep-talk.

"We'll make it OK together." Shawn hoped he was saying the right thing. He hesitantly held out his hand for her to hold...he really hoped she'd take it.

Mom took Shawn's hand. "Be a good boy Shawn." Mom said with sincerity. "Really. I need you to stop being....being all...I don't know. Not serious. Or not doing things the right way. The way that I'm trying to do them." Mom explained, looking somewhat frustrated.

"It's really important now more than ever. All things change. But my love for you will never change. I mean, look what happened to your father and I? Did you ever think that that would change? I didn't."

"But now look at us. Look at me!" Mom said, pointing to her face which was drooping and bruised on one side, the damage Dad had clearly done.

"We're going to have to do everything we need to do to make you a success. Then you and I won't have to live in places like this." She raised her hands at hip level and opened them as if displaying the disaster of the apartment she now lived in, implying that it might be up to Shawn and his success as an actor to get her out of this existence.

Shawn tried to seem bright, bold, and confident, the exact opposite of how he actually felt. He squeezed his Mom’s hand. “I know we can do it together!” He would say anything at all to improve her opinion of him.

"Good." Mom said. "I'm glad we had this talk."

She let go of Shawn's hand. "You know what?" Mom said.

"I think I'm going to let you trick or treat in your old neighborhood." Mom said, clearly referring to Shawn's house with Dad as 'old neighborhood' as in, something that was in Shawn's past. Even though he had just been there earlier today.

"What do you think of that?" Mom asked, happy to be giving Shawn something.

"You mean it?" It didn't feel like much of a reward to Shawn, since he had, in fact, just been there. But he could tell his Mom was presenting it to him as one, and he had to seem grateful for it just the same.

"I do mean it." Mom said with kind eyes. "You and I have always had a special relationship. You're my son. I know that sometimes in my life I've argued with other people. Like Dad. And Grandpa. But you're different."

"Never with you." Mom said with the love of someone who didn't want to argue with someone that they loved.

"Never with you." She repeated. "If something were to happen to you. If something bad happened. I don't know what I would do." Mom said.

"It's just that I love you so...." Mom began to choke up.

"I would die." She stammered out in a hoarse voice, eyes welling up but just falling short of tears.

Shawn could remember times he wanted to argue with his Mom, or even disagree, but he'd always backed away, or tried to find ways to get what he wanted without arguing. He felt a sense of relief that he hadn't, or he might have ruined things with his Mom. "I love you, Mom." He hugged her tight.

A few moments later, Shawn was in bed. It wasn't his bed. It was a strange, stiff bed. In his room. In this 'new' room. It smelled like old moth balls and he could hear people talking in room next door. Their voices came through muffled but were still audible.

It was a couple arguing.

Outside, sirens wailed as an ambulance or police car drove by, briefly flooding Shawn's room with bright red and blue lights, the loud sounds fading away as the emergency vehicle sped past.

Shawn curled up tighter, feeling exhausted and alone and just wanting to sleep in his own bed. He tried his hardest to block out the sounds and lights and get some sleep.

As Shawn pulled up in his covers, and closed his eyes, he heard the whispers of previous things that Mr. Clayton had said to him.

"You “push their levers” and “pull their cords”....."

Mannequin mouth is what dummies have...

you’ve always been a dummy who thinks he’s real...

Another car drove by flooding the interior of the room with light for a brief second. The couple upstairs began to talk louder, the fight between them growing. Somewhere in one of the apartments, Shawn heard the unmistakable screeching sound of a chair moving across a floor as someone got up, the sound of loud footfalls as they walked across their own apartment.

Shawn heard the whisperings, and he wasn't entirely sure if it really was Mr. Clayton he was hearing, or himself, criticizing him for just allowing himself to be dragged out of his own life without any objection. He felt anger form, deep down in that little pit in his belly, but he didn't let it out. Instead, he started mouthing his ventriloquism exercises, the ones that practiced forming the letters without moving your lips, but without the sound. They were familiar and comfortable, but they didn't settle his feelings at all...

Shawn repeated the whisperings just as Mr. Clayton had taught him. He could hear his breath, feel the rising and falling of his chest with each respiration and exhalation. Thoughts coming into his mind would endure and then pass away.

Soon, he was fast asleep.

Shawn Joins Thread

OOC: Shawn: It's Halloween!