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21:33, 28th March 2024 (GMT+0)

Fun to copy paste.....business.

Posted by DeveloperFor group 0
Developer
GM, 44 posts
Not here
Not now
Fri 3 Jun 2022
at 14:57
  • msg #1

Fun to copy paste.....business

Here they are......
*********
Thank you for confirming the information form. Thank you for sharing information about yourself. I look forward to meeting you.

I am attaching a therapy goals worksheet to this message. Some people find the goals worksheet helpful. It is not required!

The platform does not provide me with your personal or billing information that you provided when you signed up for your subscription. In order for me to maintain compliance with my licensing board and ethical code, I am required to gather some basic personal information. I also ask that you provide an emergency contact so that someone can be reached in the event of an emergency. :Your Personal Information: Full Name: Date of Birth:Current Home Address: Phone Number: Email Address:.

I appreciate you providing this information, and please know that this information is confidential and will only be used if I am concerned for your safety or the safety of others. If I believe you or someone’s life is in danger, I will contact your emergency  local emergency services to check on your well-being.

You can go into my schedule and book a live session in either audio or video format. I recommend you run the video test (top banner, right side, under "help") prior to the live session. Also realize that you have to be logged into the App or platform at the time of the session in order for me to initiate it. My live sessions are typically 50 minutes, and I have openings that are in the mornings, afternoons and evenings, Monday through Thursday. With some afternoons on Friday, and a few sessions on Saturdays. I am typically "offline" on Sundays. You can message me here as well. I hope to hear from you soon. Kind regards,
********
The system should have offered you an information form (informed consent) and asked you to confirm it.  You will need to confirm the form in order for us to get started.  Let me know if you have any questions.  I look forward to hearing from you soon.
Kind regards,

The system should have offered you an information form (informed consent) and asked you to confirm it.  You will need to confirm the form in order for us to get started.  Let me know if you have any questions.  I am typically "offline" on Sundays.
Kind regards,
*********
The live chat session is an interesting option it is scheduled like the other types, but it is back and forth instant messages, on a separate log, once the session ends, expires or log out, the chat session is gone forever.  Chat messages lack tone and other cues so misunderstandings are at an increased rate.

Thank you for being willing to verbally reconfirm your agreement to the information form (informed consent) and for confirming that you are  currently in the state of Georgia (where I am licensed).

*********
I have you on my schedule for a live session, however, you are showing as offline on my end and I cannot initiate the call.
If you are showing as online on your end, you may have to log off and log back in for you to show as online on my end.  Also a reminder that you are  supposed to be in Georgia at the time of our sessions.
Kind regards,

I assume you are running a bit behind schedule for our live session. I will wait until 30 minutes after the start time, which was 15 minutes ago, until a full 30 minutes after the scheduled start time, for you to come online so that I can initiate the session. Kind regards,
I assume you are running a bit behind schedule for our live session. I will a few minutes longer for you to come online, so that I can initiate the session.
If not; I hope this message finds you and everyone you care for both safe and healthy.  Let me know.
Kind regards,

I hope this message finds you and everyone you care for both safe and healthy.  I hope to hear from you soon. Feel free to message me, but please give me up to 24 hours to respond. Kind regards,

I have you on my schedule for a live session, and you are showing as online on my end,  and I tried to initiate the video.
If you are running a bit behind that is perfectly fine, just message me when you are ready.
Kind regards,

I have you on my schedule for a live session, and am/was waiting for you in the video room.  It appears you are running a bit behind that is perfectly fine, just message me when you are ready, and I will rejoin the video room (if necessary).
Kind regards,

I assume you are running a bit behind schedule for our live session. I will wait until 30 minutes after the start time, which was 15 minutes ago, until a full 30 minutes after the scheduled start time, for you to join me in the video room for our live session.
Kind regards,

********
The system is about to move you into inactive status, so this may be my last follow up message to you.  You can remain inactive up to 4 weeks.  In order to remain active simply respond to this message or schedule a live session.  If you are ok going inactive then for certain do not reply to this message, as I have no ability to make someone inactive, so ignore any of my messages while the system is moving you and while I am still obligated to follow up.  Your agreement with me expires after 14 days without your contact.
Kind regards,

You are still showing as active on my end, so I am obligated to follow up with you, until such time as the system moves you into inactive status. I have no control over that status, so simply ignore any of my messages until the system gets you moved.
Kind regards,

Just a quick check in message for today. I hope that you and everyone you care for are safe and healthy. I hope you have a great holiday. I am taking some days off in the coming week, so if you do not find an opening let betterhelp know so they can properly adjust your subscription.
Kind regards,

Just a quick check in message for today. I hope that you and everyone you care for are safe and healthy. I hope you had a great holiday. I took some days off in the past week, so if you did not find an opening let betterhelp know so they can properly adjust your subscription. I am typically "offline" on Sundays, but decided to get a head start on the new week.
Kind regards,

******
I just wanted to check in with you today and see how you are doing.  I hope to hear from or see you on my schedule for a live session soon.  You are not obligated to respond to this message, but if you do please give me up to 24 hours to respond.
Kind regards,

Just a quick check in message for today.  I hope that you and everyone you care for are safe and healthy.  I hope to hear from you soon.
Kind regards,

It has been a couple of days since our live session, and I see that you are on the schedule for a follow up session soon.  I wanted to check in with you and see if there was anything you wanted to talk about from our prior session, or to be sure we include at the next live session?  You are not obligated to respond to this message, if you do please give me 24 hours to respond, if not I look forward to meeting with you again.
Kind regards,

It has been a couple of days since you joined the platform, and I see that you are not yet on the schedule for a live session.  I wanted to check in with you and see if there was anything you wanted to be sure we include in our first live session? Let me know if you have any trouble finding a time/day that works.
You can also message me here if you prefer to start that way.  You are not obligated to respond to this message, if you do please give me 24 hours to respond, if not I look forward to meeting with you.
Kind regards,

I just wanted to check in with you today and see how you are doing.  I am actually getting a head start on the new week, even though Sunday I am typically "offline".   I hope to hear from or see you on my schedule for a live session soon.  You are not obligated to respond to this message, but if you do please give me up to 24 hours to respond.
Kind regards,

I wanted to check in with you today, as a head start on the new week, and it has been a considerable amount of time since I have heard from you or had a session.  I am hopeful that perhaps you have been on vacation or spending quality time with loved ones, I hope that you and everyone you care for has been safe and healthy. I hope to hear from you soon.  You are never obligated to respond to any messages from me, but if you do please allow me up to 24 hours to respond.
Kind regards,

The new month came pretty quickly and I did not get a chance to speak with you this week.  I hope that you and everyone you care for are both safe and healthy.  Feel free to message me in the case you want to talk about something, or want me to put into message form something we have talked about, or if you decide to send me topics that you want to be sure we cover during our next live session.
I hope to hear from or see you soon.
Kind regards,

It has been a considerable number of days since our first and only live session.
I see that you are not even on the schedule for a follow up session.
I wanted to check in with you and see if there was anything you wanted to talk about from our prior session, be sure we include at our next live session, or refer you to a higher level of care?
You are not obligated to respond to this message, if you do please give me 24 hours to respond, if not I look forward to meeting with you again.
Kind regards,

*****live chat
Just checking in with you.  I was not sure if anything we have been live chatting about or messaging has been helpful to you.
I typically try to message people I text with a bit more than usual because it is difficult to read non-verbals and tone of voice in messages.
I look forward to hearing  from you or seeing you on the schedule for another session soon.
Kind regards,

****Delve deeper
I just wanted to check in with you today and see if there was some specific area for us to discuss or delve into at our next live session. We had talked about the idea of moving forward or pressing on as they say. I usually say writing things down when they happen gives a very clear picture of the struggle when it happens, sometimes it is hard to recall after the fact what happened (thoughts/feelings/actions).
I look forward to hearing from or seeing you on the schedule soon.
I am typically "offline" on Sunday, so please give me up to 24 hours to respond.
Kind regards,

In terms of couples, I wanted to go ahead and clarify that the "client" is not individuals, but the couple is considered the singular client, so I additionally like to up front say that neither person will request a record in the future for any reason, I do not provide evaluations (custody, parental, etc); nor do I provide any sort of testimony.  This also means that any information shared by one party will be communicated to the other, such that I will never take on the role of "secret keeper".
I look forward to meeting you both soon.
Kind regards,

I honestly do not know,  I unfortunately don't deal with any of the subscriber/billing  issues, the business side of things; so you will need to reach out to Support at...
Kind regards,
******
Thank you for allowing me to consult with you and share in a small portion of your life's journey.  I feel like you have been able to accept or move towards accepting things and making commitments to yourself and others in alignment with your values.
I hope that you take an opportunity and write down what all those things are.

I am not sure if acceptance is a goal all on it's own or if it is the first step of an ongoing process.  Regardless I am hoping that your continued journey can be done with sincere interest in yourself in a compassionate and curious approach to yourself, others and the world at large.

Whatever form your next steps take, thank you for
**

Thank you for letting me know. I agree that therapy requires a lot of bandwidth and time outside of the sessions for the most benefit.
I would recommend you check out a podcast, YouTube or the actual book called "Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents" another one of my favorites is called "Healing developmental trauma; how early trauma affects self-regulation, self-image and the capacity for relationship". I think you might find some interesting information in one or both of these. I also like some of the Videos on a channel called "Crappy Childhood Fairy".
If you are planning to explore something like stoicism I would say that can be a beneficial journey as well, as that path too leads out of the shallows and into deep thought.
Let me know if there was anything from any of our discussions you would like to have in message form.
If you return in the future you should be able to match with me, assuming I am here, and even if I am not accepting clients at the time you can always contact the BH team to get matched manually.
Kind regards,
***********
I hope that you are continuing your wellness journey. I was thinking about the book "Healing developmental trauma" and thought that even if you did not have time to read the book that perhaps a podcast or YouTube video on this topic might be of some value or benefit. I am receptive to ideas that you might have to help things to keep moving forward.
**********
Thank you for sharing ...
We can certainly explore this more over time, we also need to be aware that the platform is ill suited to emergency and crisis situations.  Please let me know if the severity increases as we may need to discuss referral to a higher level of care.

I am attaching a safety plan to this message as well.  I think it is worth having the plan in place, just in case, even if it is never actually needed.
Here are some emergency/crisis numbers
Call 911 or go to the nearest emergency room for in-person help for an immediate crisis
TEXT: You can text the Crisis Text line by texting “Help” to 741–741
PHONE/VOICE: Call the Crisis Hotline via phone at (800) 273–8255
(Update — 988 is now active and can be called for mental health related crises)

The platform does not provide me with your personal or billing information that you provided when you signed up for your subscription. In order for me to maintain compliance with my licensing board and ethical code, I am required to gather some basic personal information. I also ask that you provide an emergency contact (the safety plan has space for this information) so that someone can be reached in the event of an emergency. :Your Personal Information: Full Name: Date of Birth:Current Home/work Address: Phone Number: Email Address

**********
I am here to help. I usually say that sorting out your struggles makes sense, especially the triggers that happen. I suspect stress levels, boredom and other things play a role, also the notion that people build up stresses and get more things happening. One thing that makes things different is the actuality that you have in your life currently because the real life things are supposed to be better than some imaginary life.
I also often say that "relapse" is part of the process and the key is to get right back on track and not beat yourself up for "failing" or the thoughts about "I can't do this.". It is also important to note that a lapse and relapse are different things.
Instead of I am doing this, and I am mostly successful, not a "total failure".......
If we do the math on it, a day every two weeks, 52 weeks a year, half that is 26 days, out of 365 days for the year.....
You are at a 93% success rate....Once a month of screwing up is even better a 97% success rate...the goal is not perfection!

"Once we give up our true selves to play a role, we are fated to be rejected because we have already rejected ourselves, yet we will struggle to make the role more successful, hoping to overcome our fate, but finding ourselves more enmeshed in it. We are caught in a vicious cycle that keeps closing in, diminishing our life and being." Alexander Lowen Fear of Life: the wisdom of failure (1980)

This reminds me very much of the idea related to what is termed "toxic shame" that usually happens when our real true self was always rejected and only the persona or masked self was acceptable or met with social acceptance. I think that maybe there could be some part of the younger version of you the child that still yearns to be accepted (freed) in a sense (also known as inner child work).

I usually say that "don't rules don't work".   It makes my brain think of nothing but the thing I am trying not to do....If that makes sense?
They used to tell people learning to ski, "Don't hit a tree" then all they saw was trees and they usually ended up hitting one.  Instead we know now to tell them to "follow the path" and then they can see the path, not the trees.......

Obviously the next thing to think about on the thought I had sent out was the directive that might work, and that would be the idea of "follow my path", and anytime I see anyone else on the path ahead of me, I am on their path, not mine.......If that makes sense?
********
Boundaries part 1
I usually think that the idea of all the numerous boundaries, really complicates a very straight forward thing.
I have to be the one who designates the value of my time, and realize that no one else is ever going to value my time (or me as a person) to the level that I would like them too.    It is not that they are bad people (necessarily) it is just not possible for others to do that.
That puts the recognition of the devaluing and the amount and when it is too much directly up to me, and at that point I may have to counter offer or say no/walk away.
So perhaps your partner is feeling anxious about something, and they want you to make it the most urgent and important thing to you also in that moment, their anxiety is pushing it to be that, but you are not obligated to make it the most important thing in that moment.
How does that sound?  Would you like an example?

Boundaries part 2
So here is a true to life type of example. I used to trim trees away from the power lines, and my mother in law was selling her house and needed a limb cut from over the garage.
One way that someone might respond to this would be to drop everything drive over and start fixing the issue/problem/ assigned task.
If I value my own time more and do not let her devalue it, my course of action was to have her send me pictures of the limb, including where she wanted it taken down, and the full branch over the garage...... I looked at the pictures and sent her a list of Lowes/Home Depot, etc for her to buy, rope, saw,  ladder, trunk sealant, etc......and let her know I would be over Saturday to take the limb down.....
Obviously you can see the benefits of not running over, not going to the store to pick items, and all that in addition to doing the actual job?

Can you think of an example where this might have been useful in your own life?

Boundaries 3

The Eisenhower Decision Matrix
Has four quadrants, the urgent and important area; the urgent, not important area; the important, but  not urgent area; and finally the neither important nor urgent area.

It is helpful to know where tasks lie, and also to realize that if I am anxious in the place of not urgent and not important, then that represents a "problem"....

Others may also due to anxiety  try to push things into my area of urgent and important, and they may do so against my will....however it may be their own anxietyes doing this, not a desire to create trouble for me.

Seinfeld reference "Are you still master of your domain?"




"Who can define for us with accuracy the difference between the long and short term! Especially whenever our affairs seem to be in crisis, we are almost compelled to give our first attention to the urgent present rather than to the important future."

- Dwight D. Eisenhower, 1961 address to the Century Association

I think you are describing the hard time saying no as part of it.   That is where the 24 hour rule comes in, that is the idea of saying "let me sleep on it"....to give more thought  and to ask yourself questions......
1. What is the thing I am doing?  What are the specifics?
2. Why do I want to do it?
3.  How much will it cost? (Time)
4.  How will I pay for it?
Final verdict ?   _____yes  ____no

The examples I use is to treat every request as if you are being asked to be the designated driver or to help someone move!!!!

Boundaries part 4
There is a power differential and I have little or no power to set any sort of healthy boundaries, such as I am a student dependent on parents for support; or the person who violates my boundaries is my boss and boundaries will just result in firing...
I am dealing with a narcissist and engaging them just gives them "supply"..

Their is an important connection between the feeling and the thinking, FOGs, used as a control tactic because if the other can make me feel guilty, I am taking responsibility the fault/blame is assumed and the logic system will try to make sense of the feeling.  The feeling can be false.

In basic training, group punishment was a common thing for the actions of an individual so at one time the drill instructors ordered us to all "Hang your heads in shame."
I let the instructor know I did not feel any "shame"
So he said, then "hang your head in solidarity."
That I was able to do.

If on the other hand I am dealing with a Narcissist then when they engage me for "supply" I may have to have a specific way of dealing with them in a way that denies any supply; which can be either positive or negative, they do not care which.
--One way to deal with them is to admit weakness (they are superior) while actually having strength to follow through in a way similar to the basic training scenario.

"Hang your head" or embrace the acting role of "weak"
"Your right I am weak, and when I try to do anything I get overwhelmed and just can't I am so sorry, maybe someday in the future I will be, I know you are trying to help and you are right, but when I get into this headspace I just can't do anything."

It is very important make sure that in your own mind you understand perfectly what you are saying when you say the words "weak" and "sorry" for example I could define it as  "I am not equipped to cure, fix or even help this persons intractable mental illness/personality disorder and I have no obligation to attempt to do so, it is fully them (their circus, not mine, and there is no job in that circus I am willing to take on.)"

It is very important to realize that they are trying to make you feel guilty, once that happens you will assume or create fault in yourself (once you own a little of it) it is shifted fully onto you.  For example you tell someone they did something terrible to you, and they flip it around on you.  They know every button!

The second thing is that this much like basic training represents a limited time option for this to be effective, a long term solution needs to be in place once the power dynamic shifts.  For example getting a new job/boss, ending the relationship. or cutting off communication (no contact) once independence is achieved.
******
Self concept (part 1 / part 4)
I believe that self confidence is the branches of the tree, but self concept is the roots of that tree, and the more clarity on myself and the more work I do on clarifying that the better.

The self concept exercise is about answering the question "who am I?"
The idea is that it was set when I was young and I may have to put in mental effort and challenge myself to move items from the "I am not" into the "I am" area.....

here is a brief simplified example.....perhaps I set my self concept as
"I am not a liar/cheater, selfish, and not like my dad"

So the first one, the reason at 12 years old I did not set my self concept as "I am honest" is b/c it would not be true.......
So if I spend some time in looking at myself I might come up with something like this:

"I struggle to be honest with myself and others, there are forces, social, family, internal (fear obligation, guilt, shame), that work against me being honest; but I believe that being honest and working through a conflict is the only way to achieve a outcome of value, so I struggle to be honest with myself and others."

Self Concept part 2
It takes asking yourself hard and challenging questions to move things into the "I am" side and it can take some real mental effort.
If we continue the example "I am not like my dad" (what does that mean?)
What if my dad is a miserable, disagreeable SOB?
So what am I "agreeable"?

Here come the questions.....
Is it possible I am "too agreeable"?
How would I know if I am too agreeable?
Do I make sacrifices and call them compromises?
Do I agree to things I do not agree with?
....Do I end up resentful of things that end up "unfair" that I agreed to?
...DO I end up being passive aggressive after agreeing?
...Do I negotiate not just my interest but on behalf of the other person (employer/relationship/family)?
How does this sound?

Self concept part 3
So one good start to this exercise is based on the Big 5 personality traits (no you do not need  to take the assessment, it is ok to just understand the traits...Fortunately we have already used one of them, and the way to remember them all is OCEAN;
Openness, conscionetiousness, extroversion, agreeableness, and nueroticism....

The point is that you are generating your self concept and it can be about anything that you find important or value....for example "I am not a coward"....does that mean "I am  brave?" what is my relationship to fear?
My favorite quote mug was "What would you attempt to do, if you knew you could not fail?"......How big is my fear of failure?

FEAR
Forget everything and rest
Forget everything and run
Face everything and rise
Face Every Anxiety Rationally


Self concept part 4 The shadow
Perhaps in terms of an archetype you identify with some villain of the story, like the myth of Loki, the trickster or perhaps your identity is tied into something else like the dark triad traits (Narcissism-inflated sense of ego; Machiavellianism-manipulativness; psychopathology-low or no empathy).
Or to quote Lex Luthor in Smallville..."I am the villain of this story."

Perhaps you like winning,  debating and challenging others as the “Devil’s Advocate”

The shadow is bits of left over personality bits, that tend to live in the unconscious and need to be integrated into the personality in some way, often the parts are closed off from awareness and are perhaps "scary" in some sense.  I use the metaphor of the Island of the misfit toys as one way of looking at it, or perhaps like in the nightmare before Christmas the toys the kids got from Jack the Pumpkin King...
A useful idea is that you are expected to be one role, but part of you wants to play a different part...

Also maybe a good excuse to watch the movie "Fight Club"

“Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate.” is a paraphrase of something C.G. Jung said, but not an actual quote...
"The psychological rule says that when the intra situation is not made conscious, it happens outside, as fate...."


Cult of safety in the modern world?

"The devotion of the greatest is to encounter risk and danger and play dice for death."
  Nietzsche   in Thus Spoke Zarathustra

Part 5 self deception....

Once we give up our true self to play a role, we are fated to be rejected because we have already rejected ourselves.  Yet we struggle to make the role more successful, hoping to overcome our fate but finding ourselves more enmeshed in it.  We are caught in a vicious cycle that keeps closing in, diminishing our life and being."
Alexander Lowen   (Fear of Life)

*******
Processing Part 1. Baby emotions
The minor negative emotions that seem to be increasingly difficult to process is due to being told that we must "trust/validate our feelings" and "follow our heart".  The consequence of this is that we then make all these emotions "true" by default, making someone else 100% to blame/responsible for those emotions.
Even worse we will "justify" ways to try and "back up" that our feeling must be correct.

The minor negative emotions (not limited to)
Annoyance, Frustration and Disappointment.

So if my wife buys me a gift and I feel disappointment......
Do I simply conclude she is in the wrong and needs to apologize?
How do I "process" that emotion?  First I am willing to question it....

"Is the "problem" my current feeling of disappointment or something she did, or said, or failed to do or say?"

What do you think?

It should be apparent that my feeling could then possibly be false, and could be the actual problem in my life or relationships.....

How do I make it even worse?  I justify the feeling and try desperately to make it "true"...What does that look like?.....

"She ignored what I told her I wanted, she does not care about me at all, she got me something I hate, so she does not even know me as a person and does not care.  This is such a bad gift she must have intended to get it for some other guy."
How does that sound?  Like utter foolishness?
Would you like to be in a relationship with this kind of person?
---do I want to be blamed for all their negative emotion?
Would you like to be this person?
--Do I want to make others responsible for my feelings?

Processing part 2
I would say that this is so important that I consider the inability of an adult to process these emotions to be a red flag of a magnitude that should never be ignored for a relationship to even be possible.....

The second example (On a date)
Say you take a girl out to an Italian eatery (and you have a talent for telling dumb jokes) and as soon as you get seated, your date notes some other patrons..."I cannot believe that she is here with him."  You glance that way and then back while quipping, "She is probably a pasta-tute.".  Hopefully she laughs...but if not perhaps she feels a negative emotion, could be silent for a minute and "process it"; or perhaps she assumes it is true and completes the cycle of "justifying it"....

"You have ruined the mood, destroyed this date, I am not even hungry, just take me home, and never call me again."  Or something like that.
....FYI if you date this person, your constant "errors" will result in decreasing intimacy...

So in this case you violated the perfect princess fantasy,(her unrealistic expectations) and she could not stand the frustration, nor move past it...She will probably go online and be told that she was 100% correct and be validated for being right, deserving better, and what a creep you were...

This is to say that the person would feel they are totally in the right to put themselves into the role of judge in the relationship, make the other person the defendant, and have them constantly on trial for their "wrongs/slights" whether they exist or not.  They would also fully be on board to dole out "punishment" and to feel justified in with-holding in the relationship. This leads to the judgement/criticism that moves to grudge/resentment that eventually leads to bitterness....

Processing part 3
Processing my way out of negative emotions.  The first thing is the hardest part is letting go, is the fear this will happen in the future and that part of me wants to "know" it will not.  The second big obstacle is if I am waiting for some other person to do something like offer an apology.  The third obstacle is how hard are my emtions is it annoyance/frustration/disappointment, a judgement/criticism, grudge/resentment, betrayal or am I bitter?  The last obstacle is was the thing done accidentally/unintentionally/ignorance or was it intentintional/cruelty/evil?

Since it is so much chaos and disorder to the whole thing, I want to impose order on it, and I can do that by drawing it out....
For example, a bully, me, and the school(situation)....I make each one a corner, and I start to think of how I feel about each.....
So perhaps I am angry with the bully, contempt for the school's inaction, and disgust with myself for not standing up to the bully...That is at least 3 emotions.
But what is the bully was my best friend last year..so perhaps I still care for the bully, but also feel betrayed.  Now I have mixed or ambivalent feelings toward the bully.

So if you look at the emotion wheel and emotional dyads (Psychologist Robert Plutchik from the 80's) I can fill in all of my feelings under each area.

Next I will record my thoughts on each, and maybe horrible things they said to me, or I said to myself.

So making the chaos of things in my mind into a forced structure to start cognitively processing things.

I hope this makes sense.

Processing part 4
I want to feel "safe" and the fear part of me wants to know it.
Perhaps I am waiting on an apology, but sometimes even after getting a good one, or I am holding out for "more of" one.  The next part that frequently comes up is I keep bring it up (I still want him to feel bad about it).
Him feeling bad gives me reassurance, but in a way it is like keeping a dog's mess in the freezer and at times randomly punishing the dog, by rubbing his face in it.
So I feel stuck in this rut, or this chapter.  So now you have to figure out what you want the next chapter to be, or if this chapter needs to carry on for 20 more pages.  Having the vision (outline) for the next chapter might be needed to move out of this one.



******* Internalize "Something wrong with me"
I tend to say that family of origin often combines, first the idea or point in time where you started to believe "there must be something wrong with me" once you start to believe it, then you feel worth less than all the "normal" people, at the bottom of that hill, you feel worthless and take in a negative core belief (dragon egg) and from that point on you ignore anything that would poison the dragon, and instead feed it and make it stronger.  I say it this way, if parents want to make sure that their child believes they are "not good enough" the easiest way to do that is to withhold praise during their formative years..... This makes them seek approval/validation in the future, but it never lasts, instead it is like a bit of cotton candy, and the feeling of not good enough is the reality of most of their life.....

The  second thing in family is that we are conditioned that some types of expression are ok/acceptable, and others result in punishment.  For example a male child with a narcissistic mother, would find punishment for having/expressing any thoughts/feelings/opinions/back-talking and would find acceptance in doing tasks, so his love language in the future would end up being "acts of service"...... The idea is anything that is blocked (fear of punishment) is going to continue unexpressed as an adult.

Meaning that if as an adult his wife wants him to give her something like words of affirmation, he is terrified to do so, has had no opportunity to develop that skill (high anxiety and low confidence is how we enter any new domain). Most who ever even try to do it, are met with (perceived) rejection, the punishment, so they never try that again....
Imagine he screws his courage all the way up and says to his wife....
"I appreciate everything you do."  and she responds "like what?"...
He has no answer, struggles with disappointment (his and hers) and never tries that again.....

***********Suitcase metaphor
Since you wanted to start via messages, I thought I would share the suitcase metaphor as it might be a good way for us to find a place to start.  If you know exactly where you need to start from I am more than willing to turn you loose and let you go.
If you are not sure here is the basic idea of the suitcase metaphor....

Your hopes, dreams, thoughts, feelings, life experience, etc are all packed up in your metaphorical suitcase, and the bulkier and heavier the suitcase gets the harder it is to move forward in life, unencumbered.

Since you know what is in your suitcase, and I have no psychic powers, that makes you the expert on you; also since I do not go through luggage uninvited, I do not ask people intrusive questions, I do not work for the TSA (as it were).

I usually say the first part is opening the suitcase, I often say that we should try the combination 007, cut the red wires, and pry it open with a high heels shoe....

Once open some people start with small items and we sort those out and get to know each other better; some people take the biggest heaviest thing (the 2 ton anchor) and drop it out and say, "I am pretty sure this is a big part of it"  I usually nod my head and say "I am pretty sure you are right".

Other people dump the whole thing out everywhere and then look at me like "What are you going to do about this smart guy?" to which I agree "This is a big mess and will take us some time to sort through it all, but I am game if you are."

So that is the suitcase metaphor in a nutshell, and I still do not like to leave you on the hook, so if you would like I can offer a few suggestions of starting places.

I hope this helps.  Kind regards,


**********
   This process is similar to writing a letter to a person....
If I need to say something important, or even not I run two risks, the first is obviously offending the other person, the second is rejection (hearing a response I do not like).  I have to be ready for either.  I cannot prevent those things, but if I am careful I can try to mitigate the first risk, and maybe a little the second one.

Questions series
Here is my handy lists of questions that you can use........If I answer yes to the top 3 I move on to the next set.....
1. Does someone need to say something?
2. Does it need to be me?
3. Does it need to be soon?

Next set.
1) What do I need to say? (write it down)
2) How do I need to say it (this is where it gets revised)
3) make sure that I am not putting the person on the spot and let them know what if any response I expect
4) ask myself again.....Do I still need to say this?
I hope this is helpful.

Question Series Example:
Someone on a break in a relationship,
You can't string me along, i am not going to be on the hook forever...
instead of asking "I need to understand where do I stand, with you and us?"
(In reality a break is a soft break up, as if you had the ability to negotiate agreements, you will probably not negotiate this one either)....

One idea for presentations is similar, tell them what you are going to tell them, tell them and tell them what you told them.

An expanded view is called "the 3 rules of 3"
1. Keep it simple, talk about  no more than 3 bullet points (stay focused)
2. Clarify, explain the items in 3 different ways.
3. Make it stick, cover each area at least three times.

*******
The minimum two questions to keep moving forward:
"What now?"
"What next?"
If I can answer and keep answering these two questions I can keep moving even in tough times.

Questions:
Do I feel like myself?  If No.
In what way?
What is missing that would get me back to feeling like me?
Do I currently have the capacity for interest, fun, relaxation, (relationships)?


*********
The Past, the present and the Future...
We all have a relationship with all three and those can be healthy or unhealthy and we can spend too much time away from the present to be effective in life.

The past (Then and There)
The healthy relationship with the past is often in the form of nostalgia where one has brief visits to some of the good memories from a time that was long ago.  The unhealthy relationship with the past is around grief/loss or bitterness/resentment/anger or tied up in something that is blocking me from the present.

For example watching the Hoof GP on youtube and remembering good days on your grandfather's farm; but not really the feelings about him being gone, the farm being sold.....(this might be a good working definition of acceptance in the stages of grief)

The present (Here and Now)
The place you want to live your life.

The future
The unhealthy relationship with the future are both potentially useful and also places where one might "get stuck" one is the day dream of some amazing future.  The other is the impending nightmare or "hell" that the future might hold for you.

The visit to the dream, is to set a goal and create a plan to get there, that allows you to take the first step in the present.
The visit to the nightmare is that you do not keep yourself as purely potential without making any choice of the sacrifice you need to build yourself into something of value.  This allows you to know that you have to choose a path in life or else pay a higher and higher price to obtain meaning. (or something like that)?

******Glory Days
One thing that really captured the idea of what you are talking about might be the song "Glory Days"  from 1984 by Bruce Springsteen.  I think it speaks to the idea that the best or good old days are all in the person's past.  Making the present or future pale in comparison.

Is that on track or offer some ideas to clarify or express it in a way?

*******
Thoughts of being alone (I need a person)
So what is the thought that you are having in regards to being alone........Let me give some example thoughts and we can figure out how your thoughts are going, as they are likely to differ from my possible examples in a lot of ways...

So here is one example.
"I am not happy, I an unattractive and unlovable, I'll never find a person who will want me."
So this could be the idea that I need a partner, I need love/approval.  I need what I want....

This generates types of beliefs that are common:
Demanding "I must have a partner."
Awfulizing "It is aweful that I do not have a person."
I can't stand it: "I cannot stand being alone."
Damnation: "Not having a partner makes me (worthless/unlovable...etc)"
So what are your current thoughts about  being  alone?

*******

This might be helpful to consider....most people see themselves as "fair"
When we see ourselves and we do something such as being late.... we see the circumstances, the context and the situation
When we see the other person doing it, then it becomes characterlogical, their personality, essential to who they are as a person (like unreliable and scattered) or something like that.....

Ian Fleming, James Bond in Goldfinger summed it up this way.....
"Once is happenstance, twice is coincidence, three times is enemy action."

Not a bad thing just our default mental action to organize and structure reality......Confirmation bias.
I say deal with it by letting them have space to be angry, do not worry about explaining or justifying, just empathize
......this is also a good place to learn  humor when the fight has created the rigid/inflexible position

*****

USA
I think this might be a good time to say something about Unconditional Self Acceptance (USA).  It can be summed up in two positions or I statements, that you can repeat to yourself and think about if you believe they are true.  How does that sound?

"I choose to fully accept myself, just because I am alive and human, as every person is entitled to do.  Therefore, I conclude I am good and worthy, just because I exist."

"I never give myself a global rating at all, I rate thoughts feelings and actions an "good" or "bad" only in regards to them hindering or aiding my goals and values.  I never rate my self, being, essence or person hood."

The three lists....
List 1 is do you believe that all people deserve dignity and respect for being human and alive?  If yes, this is the USA list, but it is important to note that you are not included on the list you put all others on in the world......

List 3 is the most horrible, terrible, "not good enough"/unworthy, unlovable people in the world.  This list includes; Hitler, Stalin, Mao, Po Pot and somehow "you" are on this list.  It is confirmation bias, where you do not question nor do you fight to get off this list.

List 2 is that you are going on a trip and you get to the airport and find out you are on the "no fly" list.  Suddenly you have questions, make calls, demand answers and fight like heck to get off this list.....

Here is the ABC model.....It is great for writing it down......
A is the activating event (often comes with a bump of anxiety)...
B is the beliefs, thoughts, these tend to spiral metaphor, snowball turns into an avalanche....the anxiety and thoughts get into a vicious cycle.
C is buried under the emotional consequence and all the thoughts, suffocating under an emotion, such as anger sadness guilt/shame
D is disputing.  (actively questioning and fighting) "poisoning the dragon"
Kind regards,

Another way to write things down is the three column method described by David Burns in his book "Feeling good, the new mood therapy".
The first column is called "automatic thoughts" this is answering things like
What am I thinking right now?
What am I saying to myself?
Why is it upsetting...
The second column is called "cognitive distortions"  this is about identifying the cognitive distortion that is happening inside your head....The worksheet attached is the 10 most common ones.
The third column is called "Rational response"
This is you challenging and disputing the automatic thoughts
The end goal is to have different thoughts!

One way to create the rational response is to start using the script you would use to interact with a friend, instead of the script that you only use on yourself!



Empirical disputes (you can google disputing irrational beliefs if you like online) are the ones about "where is the evidence?" Where is it written? "Where is the proof?" if that makes sense?
Functional disputes are different in a way, it is like "How is having this belief impacting my life?" "Is this belief harming me?" Things like that? If I continue to have this belief for the next 10 years what will my life be like then?"
Logical disputes are about where is the logic that b/c someone rejected/devalued/dismissed/etc me that it must be or mean that it is a reflection of my value/worth?
Or another way is how does it follow that if X, then Y must be true?

Philosophical is about deriving satisfaction from life with the belief and how much more one might get out of life without the negative core belief... if that makes sense?

I also add one more, called spiritual (which may or may not apply) Humanitarian but it goes something like, is it consistent with my spiritual system to believe that anyone is valueless (including me)?  Does my personal belief in humanity then might be a way to rephrase that one.


***********
Journaling
I usually say that writing it down is a good idea.  If I have a small notebook On the top left I would put "Today I...." and on the top right "Thought, felt, did"
As long as you write at least one from each category, you can usually tell what is going on.  You of course can use each one more than once......

Example:
Today I woke up feeling down, I thought that is really confusing, so I felt a bit off, so I just got up and had a relaxing cup of coffee, then felt rushed instead, so feeling harried I started my work day.....

Sometimes instead of knowing the emotion we can only say good or bad, rather than naming the emotion, and that is perfectly fine....
My entry was specific that it helped lay it out, but was still vague in a way as well.....

********
If you are referring to a break up specifically. This is perhaps an overly ambitious book in the way is sets things in motion and the steps, and sections offered.....
Getting over a Breakup; 75 easy steps to get over a breakup, by Kate Anderson.....
If you were referring to another sort of book, let me know.
Kind regards,

Humans are built to depend upon each other and it is a very real thing, that it is good to have someone to rely upon and to help and that makes us feel secure in a sense, and having like a soft place to fall.  They call it the "dependency paradox".  It is very strange that people tend to see thing like relationships in terms of remaining independent, to avoid being codependent, and act as if mutual dependence is not even a reality.
*******
Thank you for reaching out to me.
I understand that you might be thinking that you need information from me regarding our discussions and/or our time together.

I usually let people know that any information of our discussions is useless for any sort of court or evaluation, as first I am not certified to conduct any evaluations, and secondly that it would be "useless" as just hearsay. Further there exists no diagnosis or diagnostic code that can be provided.

If you believe that you need something specific please let me know.  We will likely have to set up and make certain that we get a signed release of information, a copy of your photo ID and a brief face-time call to confirm the identity of the person making the request.
Let me know and I will help us move things forward.
Kind regards,
***********
I will need to reach out to you from my secure e-mail account in order to get anything to you.
Is this the email address that you want me to send the release of information to?
Kind regards,

***********
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This message was last edited by the GM at 21:40, Thu 14 Mar.
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