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Relationships....criticism.....male/fe...ABC both....friends.

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Sun 19 Jun 2022
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Relationships....criticism.....male/fe...ABC both....friends

In pursuing a relationship we all give up a little autonomy/independence and everything becomes a conversation, with an agreement(sets expectations)....

I usually call this the three struggles of having a great relationship the first struggle is self awareness and knowing what exactly are my wants and needs; the second struggle is the ability to articulate my needs, and the last struggle is actual negotiating agreements (compromises) with another person and setting expectations (usually around communication).

We all want to be loved/accepted and we all deal with the fears that come along with it, namely being unwanted/unloved/rejected/abandoned....

The first rules that everyone should agree on are those dealing with couples in conflict, as they tend to be things that trigger multiple or all of a person's fears they are considered toxic to the relationship.  You can search for the rules online, but the top two are 1) threats to the relationship...if every conflict evolves to we do not even know why we are together, you can resolve nothing ever.  2) personal attacks, name calling, and even implying via question that the person is terrible/stupid, etc.....just google fair fighting rules and see about adopting those.
...So in an agreement both people are bound to the same "rules", The expectation is never perfection, if I believe a violation has occurred I have to approach in a neutral approach (with the possibility of a misunderstanding); in other words I have to communicate my feeling.

****"I don't think that word means what you think it means"
A second thing is do we agree on what the words/terms even mean, for example "love" do I think love is a feeling, something like the combination of joy plus trust, so losing one of those two, I can "fall out of love"; or do I think love is a choice and a commitment regardless of my current feelings?
Like the old song, "She's lost that loving feeling."
Another one, might be respect, suppose my wife agrees to respect me then repeatedly does disrespectful verbage in terms of "sharing her truth"....the other old song says "R E S P E C T, find out what it means to me"......

"My time"
Perhaps I tell my person that I need quite time and they agree, and then they "intrude" constantly, say by checking on me, or bringing me coffee, or by texting me, but they do not know what is an intrusion, unless we communicate and they agree.
(perhaps they did not know that the "me time" would trigger their fear of abandonment when they agreed< so maybe we need to renegotiate the amount of time needed>)



So it is impossible to truly separate the relationship from communication and the ability to communicate.

The main reason for this seems to be the "soul mate" or "the one" myth, that is that if no investment is made in the communication/relationship then if it does not work out, then it is evidence that the person was not actually "the one".
The myth is that for women, you meet prince charming and it is "happily ever after" an emotional myth; men are told to get your career in place, and everything will "fall into place" a logical myth.  You are leaving it up to the example you and your partner had growing up...Even if they were examples of what not to do.

Love is grown over time, and weeds have to be pulled to give it a place to grow.  It is work and effort.

One of the big things that happens is the occurrence of "low resolution" problems, that is to say things that are so vague and meaningless that it is impossible to even say that the partner is the cause.  For example a married couple of 20 years whose children moved out, suddenly have no way of dealing with each other.  The man says he is "taken for granted" and the wife says she is "not happy".....about all there is a vague sense that the last time the person felt valued or happy was the version of themselves from 20 years ago.  The question still arises, how do you know that 38 year old you is not as happy as 18 year old you is the other persons fault?  When did you tell them, what the problem is in a way that gave them the information they needed to fix it?  Did you negotiate an agreement?  Did they agree?


Processing minor negative emotions...See that section

So for example let us say that a man really only needs respect and intimacy in a relationship and what if he and his partner agree they are going to respect each other, it will be a very brief period of time before he will subjectively feel disrespected, and that will be labeled as something different...such as her sharing truth/honesty or it is his problem with her independence (his insecurity).  This is why I say the agreement needs to be specific and set the expectations.

For example one of the 5 things I asked my soon to be wife for was....
"If I ever lose a job or we are going through a tough situation, the person at my side has to be the person who says, "I know that it is not your fault"  "I know you did everything you could" "You are smart and talented" "I believe in you".  If you have any doubt about your ability to be that person and to have my back no matter what do not bother"....I also gave very specific examples of actions/statements that would not be in accordance with what I want out of a relationship.


Beyond the things I wanted and she wanted and we talked about....

Early on in marriage, my wife and  both came to the conclusion that criticism (from either person) towards the other had no place in our relationship.  The reason is that we each want to be loved/accepted and the 4 fears are unwanted/unloved/rejected/abandoned; and criticism is a perfect assault on the fear of rejection.  Therefore we agreed to not criticize each other, it is not my job to criticize her, nor her job to criticize me.  The expectation was set, that if I feel criticized by you, I will let you know and vice versa. That we will  not argue intention, but work on communicating better.


What is criticism?.....

The most obvious criticism is obviously name calling, or labeling the person in a negative way.  Like directly calling the person stupid.  Some people argue about whether or not labeling a behavior is different. (I said you did a stupid thing, I did not call you stupid).  This is more or less a dishonest way to criticize the person...it can even take the form of a question like "what were you thinking?" (the obvious implication is they were not thinking).
--As a side note the better communication would be to say something like "walk me through this and help me understand what happened."
You can break those apart as well: "Walk me through this"  Or "Help me understand."

It can also come if one person is doing some form of entertainment (sports/videogames) and the other asks, "Are you going to do anything today?" (implication being lazy).  Or commenting on the other person about to eat a donut,"Do you need (to eat) that?"

Brains tend to notice things that are "wrong" so the thought pops in the head, but the reality is if I say it, it will come out critical...
"Who left this dish in the sink?"
The reality is a thought popping in my head does not require me to say something out loud.

It becomes more obvious the more you practice it how many forms of criticism exist....
The next step is to start noticing positive things and praising the other person for helping....
*******
The attack defense cycle is usually a loop.
It starts because one person wants to say something important and they often say it when upset, so it basically is a criticism.
The person receiving the criticism sees or identifies this as a "perceived attack"
So they go into self defense mode.
Self defense make the original person feel like they are ignored "Perceived dismissal"

So one rule for the person who wants to say something important is kind of a calm/slow start in a non-critical way
The person who perceives an attack has to find the 10% they agree with and respond to that (rather than the 90% they do not)
This prevents the perceived dismissal and allows for further communication rather than a new criticism.....

So the assignment is to check in and embrace each other and when one person says something and if it falls into the idea of a "perceived attack" in that moment of relaxation, I want to be able to realize it was not an attack and not react to it, instead I want to be able to respond.
Example:
him "I was thinking about dinner."
her: "Of course you were." - here is the perceived attack
him if I react I am shooting myself in the foot....if I respond
Him (playfully): "The way to a man's heart is through his stomach....I have not figured that anatomy out yet."

Nuance: if I have  something to say then I can be vulnerable as part of that initial communication

*********Unique triggers
For example we have a traditional or modified traditional relationship and the homemaker encounters the worker who keeps noticing things around the house and saying things late at night like....
"Are you going to clean the bathroom tomorrow?"
One person feels like they want it done now and they are not being trusted to fulfill their obligations.

What would happen if everyday the homemaker waited until late at night to say things like:
"Are you going to work tomorrow?"
"Do you know what you need to do at work tomorrow?"
"Did you check your e-mail?"

Is this the same thing?  Is it similar?  Is it totally different?
Am I sending a message of "distrust" or an "accusation" of laziness/dissatisfaction?  Is it possible I need to say it differently? or not at all?

This conflict (like all of them is just an opportunity to negotiate a new agreement, perhaps this one is about "reminders" are they needed (do I or my partner need reminders) and when is the opportune time to give a reminder?


***********Welcome Home!!!
The welcome home, is not her just yelling a greeting ("hello you") as she scrolls her phone, I would like to be welcomed, like Norm when he walks in Cheers (old TV series) and like the theme song says, "sometimes you want to go where everyone knows your name, and they are always glad you came"....so I would like her to meet me at the door, the second thing I might like is to decompress (some time 30 minutes to an hour?) followed by eating a relaxing dinner, and then reconnecting.  So my version of what I might like to work towards an agreement with her on is: Welcome;decompress;eat; reconnect/catch up......
On the other hand she might prefer that I be ready to receive a massive data dump about how her day went (ie the reconnect first!)
I hope the idea of reaching some sort of agreement is helpful to you.

***********The mental list vs. The nothing
If you really look into the psychological literature you will find that in terms of traits, one truth that some people focus on it that "men and women are more alike than different" others will try to insist "differences are social not biological"; others say the truth is the outliers, the extremes where the most aggressive/disagreeable people are male; and the most agreeable  are female.

The objective reality is that if you take a dominate trait, and see a man and woman and guess that one is the most likely to be some trait, you will be right 60% of the time.

With most of the population overlapping, and the debate on social/cultural versus biological.  It is the extremes of the things that make the biggest differences.

I generally say that this is an important thing to look into if you enjoy that sort of thing.

I usually say the first step is to understand differences and the second step is to respect those differences.

As far as i can discern the biggest rift between the two are the basic "operating system" under which sees and views the world.  There are two systems and there are obviously women who have the "male system" and men who have the "female" system.

So one system is the one I call the "mental list" it is an ongoing, unending, list of things that need to be done, that run through the persons mind all the time, and leads them to be anxious about all the things that"need to be handled".

The second operating system is the one I call "the nothing" that is the ability to enter a waking day dream of random mental garbage, sharknados, zombie apocolypse, sports, video games, interests.  However once the persons attention is obtained, they no longer recall what the "day dream" was about, it is immediately forgotten...when asked what they were thinking about the one word answer is "nothing".

So in general the idea is that men do not have an internal mental list; think of it as "mental list deficiency".  This is why things like it "goes in one ear and out the other.".  The reason that a real list is required to go to the store, and why so much comedy goes around the idea that "men are idiots"....see the tiktoks of men ordering a "pinkity drinkity" at Starbucks.

No one is explaining to the other gender the operating system at work, women assume that men are annoying/frustrating/disappointing them on purpose, and men assume women are "crazy".

Here is a brief example.
He has agreed to do laundry today.  He looks and sees plenty of clean clothes, and not that much laundry, so to him today or tomorrow makes literally "no difference".

So she sees he did not, and this means that item has to stay on the list, and she is going to point out how he is not to be trusted, and all the other things he may not be trustworthy in, as a partner as a parent, etc.

He listens to this and decides that she is "insane".

This is what happens she thinks the plan is to break off a few items from her mental list and hand them off to him to put on his mental list, making the assumption he has such a thing to begin with, so when he "forgets" something she sees it as intentional malfesance.   And is disrespectful to him, "having a man is like having another child" or worse.
*******
One thing I was talking about (inability to find things in a fridge/purse/etc) is laid out pretty well in a book by a doctor and stand up comedian
"Women are superior to men; the real secret to a fantastic marriage, joyful parenting & better sex!"
July 2022
By Ricky Arenson, MD

****Situational issues
The unemployed man is an example of a stressful situation leading to ever increawsing conflict.....

Imagine a man who is unemployed and sitting at home while his wife is at work, he is feeling like a loser and a POS....


******
If  I have traumas from the past and relationships in particular, so what happens is I get into a new relationship and the closer I get to the new person the more anxious and scared I get that the same pain (betrayal/rejection) is coming so the closeness is too much, so I try to create distance. The distance helps to quell the anxiety, but the trauma is still there, and so I am close in glimpses of time with distance as well.

This will sometimes set into motion dynamics known as the distancer/pursuer, where one person tries to get distance (from the trauma parts) and the other person perhaps triggered by the distance (abandonment) will become the pursuer....they will trade jobs over and over, resulting in the on again, off again relationships (or at least that is one cause)

********
ABC for both people


I am thinking that maybe you guys could get together and run through the idea of the things that trigger and what they trigger in each other and see if the full understanding might be useful for both of you......

I found a simple example of how it might look.
But the idea is that the same event might trigger different things........
?

For example looking out the window or being distracted might trigger a fear of abandonment in a person...

So for the other person it sounds like the activating event might be something hard to identify/agree on and regulate, such as tone.....
*******
Wants/fears/gets
I guess it depends on what my wants and needs are and how I can balance out my wants/needs my fears and actually assessing what am I actually getting......I often call it wants/fears/gets.

Like I can want so much for something that it wipes away the fears and keeps me from evaluating what I am getting
OR
I can have the relationship that mostly alleviates fears, but is controlling/abusive and what I get is someone who seems to "give a damn" about me
OR
I am getting the relationship and having it is all that matters, so my want/needs and fears take a backseat to keeping (making) the other person happy....

Tons of ways this can play out in real life.  The best thing is being aware of all three things and actually paying attention to them and how they may interact with each other.
**********

"(the hollow among us) are bound to become more lonely no matter how much they 'lean together'; for hollow people do not have a base from which to learn to love." Rollo May (Man's Search for Himself)

Describes loneliness in social media very well........

***********
I am opening with a joke for this one, because the title of the podcast is not my favorite to send to you.
Today, I saw a very short prisoner climbing down the prison wall. As he turned and sneered at me, I thought: 'that's a little con descending'.

The podcast has several good episodes and is called
"What Healthy Couples Know that You Don't"

See how terrible of a brand that is for a podcast?


*************Friendship
That is one of the better ideas that in a world with some lack of clarity it is even more important for individuals to be more communicative and more clear in their needs/wants and maybe you could even say intentions.
Perhaps one very important one is the definition of friends and/or friendship, that most clearly involved in that definition is that there is no sexual intimacy, although there may indeed be times of closeness and/physical touch (hands/shoulder/hug). I often leave that part out when I describe the 3 things we expect to have (or provide) in friends....1) They help me in some way to be a better person; 2) when I share good news, they help me celebrate, and 3) when I share bad news they let it be about me.   Obviously I cannot expect it to be one way or one sided, obviously I cannot expect a friend to fill role number 3 day in and day out over time.
This message was last edited by the GM at 15:39, Fri 20 Oct 2023.
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