From a long time ago, perhaps the first day of school when we were told that we are smart, kind, friendly, and everyone will like me....

The thing that carries forward is an absolute, a demand on other people that we do not even realize how destructive it can be.  That idea is that "Everyone should like me."

Which means when we meet or interact with people we are hypervigilantly looking for the cues that the person does indeed, "like me" and if we do not get those cues we go one of two ways, the first one is we try to make them like me, ie a people pleaser; the second one is deciding the sour grapes route, fine if you do not like me then I will not like you back.

In reality this should not be an absolute and should not be a demand placed on other people, instead it should be simply a preference....

I would prefer that everyone like me immediately, but if the do not now, perhaps in the future they will.    See the pressure is off and you do not have to watch for the telltale signs of whether or not the person likes you.



There are typically three types of demand that we can place.  On ourselves, on others, on the universe and all of those demands are absolutes and irrational beliefs.

Here is a real life example, I often supervised interns and practiicum students that are wanting to become counselors, they get the impression or idea that I always know the right (or perfect) thing to say, and they place the demand on themselves,
"I should always know the perfect thing to say."
Imagine the pressure, the absurdity of such a demand and how terrible of a job the person would do in saying anything at all!
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First I would recommend the book "Healing Developmental Trauma: How Early Trauma Affects Self-Regulation, Self-Image, and the Capacity for Relationship" by Laurence Heller, and Aline LaPierre
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Communication skill
There is the message I am sending and the feedback I get from the person in regards to the message they are receiving.  Sometimes this matches, I sent an accusation and they are reacting defensively or hostile.  Other times I may think perhaps I did not do a good job of sending the message.  If the person is always reactive to my messages regardless of how I send them, it is likely that I am "walking on eggshells" and this is an indicator of them having a problem.

An example comes from a discussion about how people emote in relationships and that how someone emotes might trigger the other partner into thinking they are in danger in terms of the relationship ending.  As humans our communication has a wide range of how we communicate.  I related a story about a deaf man who was engrossed in his phone and giving his wife this exaggerated and arm flailing version of ASL for "later" which is basically the letter L on it's side rocking back and forth, but he was swinging his whole arm over his head, turning the communication into something bigger.

The response I got from this example was the person saying to me, "So what you are saying is that I need to control my tone?"

LOL.."I do not know how you got there, but it is up to the people in the relationship as to what things they might agree to in terms of their communication and no one can make anyone agree to something they are not agreeable to, so the answer is I said no such thing."


The other part is sometimes I am the person receiving a message and perhaps not listening or not hearing the message.  For example a potential date notes my confidence, and then in planning the date I keep giving them lots of options to try to determine "what they like" at the same time I am being indecisive, which is not confidence.

Or I receive a message that I actually hate to hear.  For example it is hard to hear a message that says "You need to grow up." If I am defensive or hostile I may not even try to hear what the message is or what it means.  I may have some questions to ask to help clarify the issue or problem.  Surely I am not being asked to be "all work and no play makes jack a dull boy"...what exactly is the agreement this person wants to set with me and am I willing to agree to something?
It is hard to respond (open and receptive) to something that is communicated poorly or framed as an accusation, however it is possible (I need to consider the things that prevent me from doing so!).

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The message I think I am sending versus what the person is hearing
You can tell something might be off by the reactions received

If I say I am a “strong, independent woman”
“I don’t need a man, but I want one”

Don’t be surprised when based on experience men hear "I'm a bitch and whore".


******Christmas surprise
I often suggest that one might be careful with the words that a person says, and it likely goes back to ancient philosophers and even various systems of belief.
There was a book called the four agreements, and the first agreement was "Be impeccable with your words" this idea shows up  in more books and suggestions, such as another book "the 6 pillars of self esteem" plus others.

One example is say in January I say to my wife, "You need to be careful not to spoil the kids"......Then Christmas morning as the kids are opening gifts, some version of that statement is going to come into her mind, and she is going to think about am I spoiling the kids?, she will then look at me and maybe see disapproval and eventually this leads to a fight and then I accuse her of  not wanting to be happy and inventing  issues.  I may not even even figure out  that the problem was caused by the statement I  made 11 months earlier.....She may not even know the cause either!


******Messages (+) N (-) and my interpretation
The basic idea is that in relationship to other people I am going to encounter three types of messages.
The first one is positive (+) messages; however if my family of origin or prior relationship(s) conditioned me to "back-handed compliments" that is going to result in my interpretation to go to something negative.

The second one is what I refer to as neutral messages (n), and these fall into a lot of say "automatic interpretation".
For example if my wife asks "what do you want?"
If my interpretation automatically goes to I am clingy/needy, selfish, being a bother....i might even feel rejected, and my reaction will be something like "Nothing, sorry to bother you, I will leave you alone."
This is a common struggle due to the human nature to embrace negativity bias! In other words this is normal....
On the other hand if I do not "interpret" or assign meaning, I am free to answer with something playful for example...
"I want a hug and a kiss, and a double handful."

Lastly I am also going to encounter negative (-) messages in my interactions and these also I will have to deal with in order to have a successful relationship.
Example: My wife asks "what are you thinking?"
I answer "Lunch/dinner, what are we going to eat."
She responds "Of course you were!" (here it is a low key potentially negative message)....
If I interpret it I can be offended/insulted/belittled or any number of things....
On the other hand if I am ok with the intent and do not interpret I can respond!
Which can be witty banter and fun such as "Of course the way to my heart is through my stomach, although I have not figured out how that works anatomically."

As always I am a big fan of writing things down. And even asking the question. Is it possible this is a neutral message? Is my interpretation causing me a problem?

Bonus idea related to interpretation:
I was saving something (summer sausage/cheese ball) of "mine" for a special occasion and I come home to find my wife and her mom have opened it.
Hey maybe it is not mine, and maybe this is a special occasion!!!!

So when I encounter negative messages!
If I get angry it kind of proves the point or lets the person know they can "push that button"
If I accept it, I have agreed to the "label" and now I am stuck with it.

I have to contend with and deal with these messages in a constructive way.

So if I am called/labeled "spoiled"...
I can ask what exactly do you mean and are you referring to with this label.

I reject your reality and substitute my own.
This message was last edited by the GM at 17:53, Sun 21 Jan.