I was thinking on the "problem of advice" oddly for me since I do not give advice, for many reasons, one of the biggest is that my goal is not to take someone's problem away from them, it is instead to help solve that problem and turn you into your own "problem-solver"; to foster independence, not dependency.  Secondly in sorting out things, you have to consider your entire self into the equation, and it is impossible to communicate all the variables to another person; you have to consider your thoughts/feelings/beliefs, health, safety, well being, preferences, lifestyle and practical matters such as responsibilities/obligations, etc into consideration.

Advice is also often too simple, and very poorly communicated to be of any real use to anyone.

Here is an example of bad and poorly communicated "advice" actually what started me on this line of thinking....
---"Quit your job and follow your passion"....

I went to YouTube and found that someone else had already beaten me to sorting that out, Struthless "Before you 'quit your job and follow your passion' watch this"
.....according to him (what he found workable in his life) also not a guarantee it would work, was:

"Assuming a certain level of freedom, go all out in both directions so that you can learn your limits, then make a base level of income to meet your needs and the needs of your dependents, while using the rest of your time to pursue something that excites you.  Ideally this something would be high risk, high reward, and you'd work in the direction of creating a life where you have the option to say no to things that drain you of energy. Reassess your limits and aims as you grow as a person."


Seems to be better communicated (although could be improved), but even that is something I would not actually "give" to someone, because I do not give advice.  I do like to work on communication and improving communication.....

If you are seriously considering some poorly communicated advice let me know...

This is related in a way to the idea of "mental maps", that are used to navigate the world....
******
OCD
Is anxiety driven.
obsessions - thoughts
compulsions - actions/rituals/can also be mental processes

and the D instead of disorder, should stand for "doubt"
Doubts tend to be unshakable uncertainty
....Did I lock the front door?
Or absolute certainty
....Someone coughs 30 feet away and the immediate thought is "I just got COVID."
or "I am going to die of COVID"

The doubts of either sort need to be "deconstructed"
It is anxiety driven, and the checking (is to relieve the anxiety) but the overall effect is more and more anxiety and more and more checking.

A normal example of this is thinking that your partner wants someone else, so you check their phone, or location...this does not solve the problem it leads to the increasing anxiety and increasing checking or even checking more and more things such as social media (to see who is liking stuff they post).

OCD generally gets to the worst case scenario in one thought leap, other people build a collection of if/then scenarios that eventually get them to the same destination, to the worst case scenario...these are different ways, building to it, or one huge leap...
*******
One function of the mind is pattern recognition and "predicting the future"; this function is supposed to be helpful and beneficial, but it can go off the rails, so to speak.

Typically It happens when we start stacking "if/then" potentialities all the way to some horrible outcome or collapse of some sort.
Some people might call this a thought spiral,
One example is someone sneezes 30 feet away from me...
So things start stacking  up....
If they are sick / then they are spreading it
If they spread it / then I am catching  it
If I catch it / then I will be sick
If I am sick/ then I cannot work (other things also)
If I cannot work / Then I am very sick
If I am super sick / then I will be in the hospital
If  I am in the hospital / then I will be on a ventalator
If that/ then I will die.....

(Some people skip the stacking and jump immediately to the end state, that is not this, but it is something).

Instead I should take the first if/then and deal with it as it is, or sort out how to deal with it, rather than stacking new possibilities on top of something I  already need to deal with.
---such as just asking the person if  they are sick.....







The importance that you want to be able to respect your partner
You cannot respect potential, you can respect actual
That actions that lead to you not having or losing respect for them are deeply problematic
Some agreements, should not be made (I cannot agree to something I do not agree with)
Some agreements that work one way, will not automatically work the other way
---for example one supporting the other through school.

An Irish priest in training was interning in America and has just arrived that day and spent his first day with his mentor and host.  As the day wrapped up the intern asked, "Time for a few pints at the pub?".  The mentor answers, "no just straight home."  With a shocked expression the trainee the trainee recover with "maybe tomorrow then."; The mentor says "I always go straight home."
The trainee is both shocked and appalled, "How can you be a good pastor, a good husband, and a good father, if you do not stop by the pub on your way home for a few pints with your pals?"

I love this story (and am still trying to track it down).  One thing I love about it is the assumption made in the end, that I have to, as a must, to be good at anything  stop by a pub for a few pints with pals.  It turns many assumptions on their  heads in a humorous way....

In a relationship and especially a serious relationship everyone gives up a little autonomy/independence and everything becomes a set of mutually agreed upon agreements, with expectations being set.

As we were talking about the agreement in question relates to the time between 5 and 7 pm and how she  would like to dictate that you cannot stop by the bar.  Where in your case (if I understood it correctly) you would like to be able to stop for a few pints on a daily basis between 5 and 7, to transition between work and home.

Closely related to the agreement I call
welcome home, decompress, dinner, reconnect...

*************
Since you wanted to start via messages, I thought I would share the suitcase metaphor as it might be a good way for us to find a place to start. If you know exactly where you need to start from I am more than willing to turn you loose and let you go. If you are not sure here is the basic idea of the suitcase metaphor....

Your hopes, dreams, thoughts, feelings, life experience, etc are all packed up in your metaphorical suitcase, and the bulkier and heavier the suitcase gets the harder it is to move forward in life, unencumbered.

Since you know what is in your suitcase, and I have no psychic powers, that makes you the expert on you; also since I do not go through luggage uninvited, I do not ask people intrusive questions, I do not work for the TSA (as it were).

I usually say the first part is opening the suitcase, I often say that we should try the combination 007, cut the red wires, and pry it open with a high heels shoe....

Once open some people start with small items and we sort those out and get to know each other better; some people take the biggest heaviest thing (the 2 ton anchor) and drop it out and say, "I am pretty sure this is a big part of it" I usually nod my head and say "I am pretty sure you are right".

Other people dump the whole thing out everywhere and then look at me like "What are you going to do about this smart guy?" to which I agree "This is a big mess and will take us some time to sort through it all, but I am game if you are."

So that is the suitcase metaphor in a nutshell, and I still do not like to leave you on the hook, so if you would like I can offer a few suggestions of starting places.

*******

Communication:
What messages am I receiving verbally and non-verbally?

There is some part of it that you do not like....
IDK why I don't like it?  IDK why I do not like it?
I have to figure it out!
The onus of communication is on me!
...The story of the little bird

Bad communication?  Anything that triggers all four of the other persons fears simultaneously, in other words things that violate the "Rules of Engagement" fair fighting rules....Things that go against meeting a persons basic needs.

If we all want to be loved/accepted there are 4 fears unwanted/unloved/rejected/abandoned.....

Probably the most common bad communication is the nasty phrase
"I don't care."
I call it the ultimate rejection because the person hearing the phrase, thinks, you do not care about what they are saying, going through, thoughts, feelings, opinions, life experiences, time together, history, or them as a person.....

The other version is a very nasty accusation called "You don't care."

So in a common example, maybe it is better to clarify the nasty phrase...
Husband to wife: "I don't care about the real housewives of wherever!"
Is this "good communication"?

I might say it would be better to say something like:
"I am glad that you get a chance to enjoy that, but I myself cannot find any interest in watching it." Yes even this could be improved...you could add, "come find me when your done, so we can spend time together."

One of my favorite examples of a mismatch between the message sent and message received.  The husband wanders into some area his wife is already in, and upon seeing him she asks "Can I help you?" he leaves immediately having received the message "Get out of here!"........

Do you have some ideas?


Now if beyond the loved/accepted we move on to what is the persons fundamental "need(s)"
Lets say one might be security/safety; another might be to be wanted/desired; and a third one might be the need to be needed; to be of use perhaps?

So what if I communicate something contrary to the person's fundamental need?  Is it possible I am communicating something in a poor way?

I thought about the common statement said by women, "I don't need a man." and if she says that to the person who's primary need is to be needed, how will that turn out?  Also what is it she is really wanting to communicate?  Can it be improved?
Is it possible that person will choose to go where he is told/shown that he is needed?



Another potential idea is that I am wanting to receive appreciation, gratitude or thankfulness; yet the person I am with says something that is not in alignment with that.

Say I prepare a special birthday meal for the person in my life and I get nothing or I prompt and get something I absolutely hate:  "It is not terrible"
"It will make a poo" (A common military phrase)

I would probably want a thank you or someone to say it is good, great or offer some descriptive feedback...
One way to approach this is an agreement that as you choose recipes, you and the other person both make suggestions on either making that dish better or reasons not to ever make this again!


Thank you for asking, just to clarify a little bit on the platform, there are no formal assessments, nor is any diagnosis made or even confirmed.  I think it is best that way as I tend to spend a lot of time trying to undo the belief there "Is something wrong with me" and a diagnosis really makes it very difficult to move towards, a more positive view of the self.  I am a fan of the compassionate inquiry approach which is about more exploration without labels or judgments.
 The movement forward is to continue to work on new or improved thought processes, processing emotions and improving areas of emphasis that make sense to pursue.
Have you been able to successfully apply the pop-corn thought metaphor or the processing of minor negative emotions that we discussed in the first sessions?  If so we should spend some time on that specifically, if not we should look into challenges or barriers that are in the way of doing so.
I hope this is helpful.
This message was last edited by the GM at 00:27, Mon 22 Apr.