INTRO: FIRE-STARTER (MuseMania!)
“I AM having to deal with consequences, Euphoria. The consequences of other people’s failures! How could they not withstand me? Was their world not worth getting good over?” Irons opened another NuCola and raised the fizzing can in tribute to his countless victims. “It’s fucking tragic, Euphoria. Fucking tragic.” He took a mournful sip. “It was a great world. They really should’ve cared more. I’d hate to see it, if I wasn’t winning so hard back then. Now, with the benefit of retrospect and maturity though, I do hate seeing it.” He was silent for a moment, like he’d said something profound. “Not like you though, you’re awesome. You’re doing great.”
“Eat it up with a spoon? I’d dispense it right into my mouth if I could, brosephina. And what it says about me is that I’ve got great taste. You’re my chosen little violence-doer. I’m the sickest fuck you know, so I want those deets. I wanna feel like I did it myself.” Irons let Euphoria weave her story of righteous combat. He hissed a laugh through his teeth at the mention of vaporization and dismemberment. “You cut his leg off? Did he roll? I bet he absolutely ate shit.”
Irons steepled his fingers as Euphoria regaled him about the pink merc. A guttural chuckle escaped his clenched grin, as though he was biting back a personal delight. He studied Euphoria’s expressions. “Oh? A new souvenir?” Irons perked up, following every detail with rapt attention just to be immediately shut down. “That’s cruel, Euphoria. Denying me to get what you want sooner? Tactical brutality. Love it.”
“I brought you here because I know it’s a place that was important to you. Was? Is? Hmm.” Irons chuckled. “Either way, I thought you’d find some… novelty? Being on this side of the counter, that is. Or maybe stage? Either way.” The alcohol was finally starting to set a warm glow in Irons’ blood. Another self-satisfied chuckle escaped him, and the dumb galoot was grinning ear-to-ear. He was clearly holding something back very poorly. “I’m sure with all the time you spent here, having to endure all those gainsless slobs, high on the fleeting power they can buy. Not you, though. You deserve your place on this throne. None of these slimeballs dress a booth like you. How’s it feel?” Irons gestured to the surprisingly crowded midday menagerie. “All these no-gainers, taking a break from the taxing power structures of their upper or upper-bottom crust lives. To sit on the station of others. By being sat on. Hella poetic and shit.”
There was a presence at the periphery. Since she’d brought Irons the absurd denominations of theme-park-priced alcohol, the waitress had been unable to peel her eyes away from their table. At first, she was sure they were going to bolt, grabbing the bottles and amscraying. And at these prices, they’d be right to do so. But then he just kept… drinking it. It kept just disappearing into him. Like a writer overusing a drink prop between a character’s every action. He somehow got through the first bottle and Becky had decided she’d had just about enough of… whatever this was.
“Oh, wow!” Becky chimed in as she lifted the empty first bottle. “Someone’s thirsty tonight!” She inspected the bottle; it was the one she’d brought him. And she couldn’t find something he’d’ve poured it out into. “Let me get these empty cans of outside drinks out of the way for you.” There were already so many. And being this close, seeing this man, those were the sort of pinup-ready muscles you had to get really dehydrated to capture. He wasn’t even cola-bloated. Were the cans empty when he brought them? “So, like, are you a magician or something? Is this a prank for like, content or something?” Becky tried to sound chipper, but a clear agitation was setting into her voice. Becky was a fresh face at the Paradise and she was clearly not ready for shenanigans. She wasn’t going to take kindly to prank-vidding magicians in her work shift. And he’d been doing this for half an hour already.
“Magician? I’m known for some muscular sorceries, perhaps, but no. I’m just thisty.” The word had an unsavory emphasis that ran adjacent to Becky’s realm of expectations. Not quite within, but adjacent enough to unclench her a little. “Buuut, I’ve been drinking slow, so these got warm.” Irons held up the other two bottles. “Do you have any that are chilled?”
“Do we…” A dullness set in Becky’s eyes. “No. Sir. People don’t usually buy it… by the bottle. We keep it on a shelf.” Was this a joke? Was he making a fool of her? Worse, was this a test from management? Becky wasn’t going to lose to… whatever was happening here. He was buying three bottles, he wasn’t getting away, and it was going to be a huge sale. “But! For you, I’ll chill this one.” She picked up one of the unopened bottles. It hadn’t been tampered with. Neither of them had been. Alright. “And I’ll bring you some ice for this and two big glasses so you can pour your outside drinks.” She was going to nail this fucker. He was going to drink this bottle, on her terms. Her glass, her ice.
“What nice service.” Irons turned his attention back to Euphoria. “I’m digging the tension. Must be close to showtime. Speaking of showtime, why I brought you here is swiftly unfolding, so way I see it, I held up my end. Let me see that battle-wound. Is it bigger than a quarter?” He was fixated. “If you show me, I’ll tell you some juicy news about that pink merc who gave it to you.”
Speaking of, speaking of showtime. The lights of the house dimmed ever so slightly and the stage flooded with hot, yellowed light. The dancers had not even taken the stage before the wolf-whistling began. Someone shouted something greasy and unrepeatable. There had to be something in the drinks; the patrons were riled and rowdy. Slowly, one by one, the dancers sauntered to their places. Each was shrouded in a plastic, velcro-secured fire fighter jacket, shiny plastic fire fighter helmet. Each held a prop; two hefted a long firehose between them, one had a bucket, another hefted an axe.
Irons joined the cacophony of whistling that pierced every ear in the house. “Wow. You gotta love the flapping paper fire in the back. That’s dedication to theming. I’ve been waiting for this since I got here.”